J21 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 It's been about 7 months ago since I [31M] broke up with my ex [34F] (relationship lasted 8 months). The relationship was pretty serious since we did talk about marriage, having kids, and buying a house in the near future. Long story short: she switched jobs which required extremely long hours, and it really strained our relationship. She was always busy, stressed, or in a bad mood. I tried my best to make the relationship work, but it really felt one sided for a long time (me putting in all the work). I genuinely felt neglected, taken for granted, uncared for, unrespected and was miserable at what the relationship has become. I beared it as long as I thought I could bear it but a breaking point eventually came. We broke up on amicable terms (more or less) no yelling or shouting, just a tearful, heart to heart talk. She attributed it to me "not being patient or understanding of her current situation", but I responded with "what about all those times we couldn't meet and I just accepted it, do they not count for anything? I wait 2 weeks to see you and you tell me I'm not being understanding? How would you feel if you waited 2 weeks to see me and I just tell you I'm tired?" She saw my perspective and changed it to "bad timing" of her career. She didn't want to break up though--She repeatedly asked me if I could wait another month for things to get better but I was just so unappreciated and hurt I didn't respond. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship but felt like I got nothing back. I told her couples break up and get back together all the time, and maybe it will happen to us someday. With that being said, there wasn't really a proper closure, it was just left open ended... We've both upheld NC to this time, but I still think about her. Sometimes I wonder how is she so good at this NC thing (because I almost caved a few times), does she not have feelings for me anymore? I feel ready to date again soon but was wondering maybe I should try to give it another go with the ex if she's opened to it? I'm realistic and realize my chances are very slim and there's a strong possibility she may have already moved on. But I still think of her and a part of me thinks maybe it's better to know for sure than have ideas. I've recovered a lot since January, and it still hurts when I think that she could have potentially been my wife. I don't want to reopen that wound or play "shoulda, woulda, coulda" scenarios if I don't need to; yet at the same time I don't want to let her go without even trying if it can work out. Has anyone broke up for an extended period of time and successfully got back together? Is the relationship the same as it was before or is there a weight that's carried you guys once broke up. My friends tell me if "she got less busy and wanted to get back together she would've called", but others tell me "you broke up with her so its incumbent upon you to make the first move". Both are valid reasoning... what do you guys think? If I reached out to her today, would she hate me? I guess I wanted opinion from neutral objective parties. Thank you if you read this all, and I appreciate any comments. tl;dr: Ex and I broke up 7 months ago, we've both had NC. I feel ready to date again and she still pops into mind, was wondering if I should give it another go. Has anyone broke up for an extended period of time and successfully got back together? Is the relationship the same as it was before or is there a weight that's carried you guys once broke up.
templeofmax Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Well, she did not want to break up, but you did it out of hurt, and not really out of not being in love with her, cause if you had done that YOU would had moved on. If you broke up and she did not do the whole begging thing, then its possible that she understood as well, even if she was hurt. So if you still want to be there with her, what are you doing here writing? I know it must be fearful to try to reach out only to receive a 'I have moved on', or not receive anything at all. But what is the alternative, wondering what if? Be honest with her, no breadcrumbs. Just call her up and if anything leave a message. After that maybe send one e-mail, just a short sweet email about how things ended like that and you miss her and would love to take her up for coffee and catch up, that your intentions with wanting to start something new, without pressure, are real. That is what I would do.
thora-tiki Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 You sound ready to call your ex up and ask her out for a date. Great job, J21! Why call, and not text? Think about it this way: If she was a friend of a friend, and you were told, this girl, 34F, is someone you would like! You would call her, and not text her to ask her out for a first date, right? This is also the way to handle reconnecting with an ex. Don't think of her as an ex, think of her as a woman you are meeting for the first time. Don't use the first date to talk about the good old times, you wouldn't talk about the ex with a new date, would you? No. We are at the same stage, J21, I have been in no contact for over 8 months, I am still in no contact, because even if I am ready, I don't think my ex is ready. I am giving it a few more months. Enjoying being single and having fun. When I do reconnect I will be following these steps, I found this in an e-book: «You feel like you’re ready to meet with your ex. So now it’s time to make a plan to get this person back into your life. You’ll need to start with a simple phone call. But the object of the call is really to get this person back into your physical presence only. A short and fun “get together” NOT a date or “I want to talk to you”. Your real objective is just to be seen by him/her, have some fun and to try and ignite a little spark again. If you have done the work on yourself we have discussed, when you meet a “pattern break” usually occurs. You can usually tell because they will act very friendly and different than they had in the past. You seem “new”, exciting, attractive and most importantly they don’t automatically associate the “bad feelings” to your appearance. If she says yes, great, then prepare yourself as you do for a date with someone you have no history with. If she says no, you can say: we'll it is only coffee / a drink. If she still says no, she is not ready to meet. SO don't beg, get angry at her, rehash every argument you ever had, etc. Just say: “Alright,” and wish your ex well and then end the conversation. This leaves the door open for future communication. One of two things will then happen. Later on you may receive a call from your ex. It may be that he or she really just needed a little more space before seeing you again. He or she may call you to ask you out – and if you’re still interested you can accept. Believe it or not, you may have already really moved on to a new relationship by the time you hear from your ex again. It’s possible that you’ll be the one who isn’t at all interested in a reconciliation. If you don’t receive a call from your ex, it’s really time to move on. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you. This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over.»
btyoung21 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I assume that NC has been going on for 7 months? In that case, I think it has been too long. NC is good when done right, timing is everything as they say. Since NC has been overused in a sense, I think it would be more impactful if you engage in small, sweet gestures like bringing coffee in the morning or maybe calling to check up on her. Try to avoid talking about the past issues and act friendly at all times. I don't think she wants to deal with the stressful breakup, act as if you are meeting/courting a new person. See how this helps.. I'm currently in a similar situation now, have been in NC for only 2 weeks! And it hurts..
Author J21 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Well, she did not want to break up, but you did it out of hurt, and not really out of not being in love with her, cause if you had done that YOU would had moved on. If you broke up and she did not do the whole begging thing, then its possible that she understood as well, even if she was hurt. So if you still want to be there with her, what are you doing here writing? I know it must be fearful to try to reach out only to receive a 'I have moved on', or not receive anything at all. But what is the alternative, wondering what if? Be honest with her, no breadcrumbs. Just call her up and if anything leave a message. After that maybe send one e-mail, just a short sweet email about how things ended like that and you miss her and would love to take her up for coffee and catch up, that your intentions with wanting to start something new, without pressure, are real. That is what I would do. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply templeofmax. It's very dreadful but I may receive the "I have moved on" speech. I was thinking a lot about this and I also remember saying some things I wish I didn't during the break up talk. I said something along the lines of "I'm sorry to say this, but maybe it was a mistake switching companies". She replied something like "I didn't know you were so selfish". I honestly didn't mean it, but it just came out of my mouth during the heat of the moment. It's one of those things that I instantly regretted as soon as the words left my mouth. That's was the feistiest our break up conversation got, it eventually simmered down and ended on a calmer note though. She said if I ever feel sad or burden to give her a call. I'm truly sorry about those words and still feel guilty about saying that... Also, 2.5 months after breaking up, I dated someone briefly for 5 weeks. It wasn't a serious relationship and it wasn't sexual, the most we did was hold hands and make out. This adds a weight of guilt on my conscience... and as much as I would like to start fresh, I want to be honest and upfront about this fact too. I have always been honest with her and I'm sure it would probably hurt her if I told her about the other girl.. and maybe it's better to spare her (and myself) all the heartache and move on...? You sound ready to call your ex up and ask her out for a date. Great job, J21! Why call, and not text? Think about it this way: If she was a friend of a friend, and you were told, this girl, 34F, is someone you would like! You would call her, and not text her to ask her out for a first date, right? This is also the way to handle reconnecting with an ex. Don't think of her as an ex, think of her as a woman you are meeting for the first time. Don't use the first date to talk about the good old times, you wouldn't talk about the ex with a new date, would you? No. We are at the same stage, J21, I have been in no contact for over 8 months, I am still in no contact, because even if I am ready, I don't think my ex is ready. I am giving it a few more months. Enjoying being single and having fun. When I do reconnect I will be following these steps, I found this in an e-book: «You feel like you’re ready to meet with your ex. So now it’s time to make a plan to get this person back into your life. You’ll need to start with a simple phone call. But the object of the call is really to get this person back into your physical presence only. A short and fun “get together” NOT a date or “I want to talk to you”. Your real objective is just to be seen by him/her, have some fun and to try and ignite a little spark again. If you have done the work on yourself we have discussed, when you meet a “pattern break” usually occurs. You can usually tell because they will act very friendly and different than they had in the past. You seem “new”, exciting, attractive and most importantly they don’t automatically associate the “bad feelings” to your appearance. If she says yes, great, then prepare yourself as you do for a date with someone you have no history with. If she says no, you can say: we'll it is only coffee / a drink. If she still says no, she is not ready to meet. SO don't beg, get angry at her, rehash every argument you ever had, etc. Just say: “Alright,” and wish your ex well and then end the conversation. This leaves the door open for future communication. One of two things will then happen. Later on you may receive a call from your ex. It may be that he or she really just needed a little more space before seeing you again. He or she may call you to ask you out – and if you’re still interested you can accept. Believe it or not, you may have already really moved on to a new relationship by the time you hear from your ex again. It’s possible that you’ll be the one who isn’t at all interested in a reconciliation. If you don’t receive a call from your ex, it’s really time to move on. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you. This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over.» I really, really, appreciate the advice here, thank you Thora Tiki! I think if I saw her again, my heart would beat fast and I would start feeling nervous My situation is a little bit complicated because I dated someone for 5 weeks about 2.5 months after breaking up with her. It was not a serious relationship and it wasn't sexual (we only held hands and kissed). As much as I would like a fresh start without mentioning the past, I want to be honest and upfront with her. Having dated someone else makes me feel guilty, but I want to be honest about it. If I decide to contact her again I will follow your advice. Thanks again and I hope you feel your ex is ready soon too. Keep focusing on yourself and hope recovery is going smoothly for you. I assume that NC has been going on for 7 months? In that case, I think it has been too long. NC is good when done right, timing is everything as they say. Since NC has been overused in a sense, I think it would be more impactful if you engage in small, sweet gestures like bringing coffee in the morning or maybe calling to check up on her. Try to avoid talking about the past issues and act friendly at all times. I don't think she wants to deal with the stressful breakup, act as if you are meeting/courting a new person. See how this helps.. I'm currently in a similar situation now, have been in NC for only 2 weeks! And it hurts.. Hello, thank you for responding. Yes, we did not keep in contact for 7 months. I realize it has been a long time, but she keeps popping into my mind.. Some of my friends tell me you broke up for a reason, if she got less busy she would call. Another friend tells me you broke up with her, so if you gotta pick up the phone first. Thank you again for your advice, I will try my best to treat it as a new relationship if I'm lucky enough to have a second chance. But as much as I'd like to do that, I want to be upfront and honest that I dated a girl after breaking up (It was not serious and it was not sexual). I have always been honest with my ex gf and I would have to tell her or my conscience would drive me crazy. I'm pretty sure she won't be happy to hear of this news, and it might be a deal breaker before anything even starts... Also I'm sorry to hear of your heartache. My advice is to reach out to old friends and catch up with them. Pick up old hobbies again and start working out. The working out helped tremendously for me, it kept my mind busy and I didn't just mope around after coming home from work. It also helped since I got more fit and looking healthier. Thanks again, and I wish you good luck.
templeofmax Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I know the guilt you feel about dating someone else. Maybe you are like me, very honest. That is how I was with my ex, but she was insecure, so her trust issues need to be resolved anyhow. She knows I am very loyal, but still she broke it off over too much fighting and disrespect. I am still hopeful, but it going to be 4 months, although my pics are still in her FB. I know she probably loves me, but its too hurt still. Or so I hope. Anyhow, my point is that I have been wanting to go on some casual dates, nothing serious. After all, I am a man! However, if I was 100% sure that she is done with me, although it would hurt, I wouldn't feel guilty about looking for other women. Right now, I do feel guilty, cause if we end up talking and I hooked up with anybody else, I couldn't hide that, and even though she broke up with me, she would feel hurt because of her insecurities and any progress I could make could be wasted. So I know how you feel about going out with somebody else. HOWEVER, if you do call her (And I would suggest to do so) and start talking little by little, etc, then just try to hold off on telling her what you did after the breakup, unless she asks directly in terms of being with somebody else. Otherwise, you will tell her when the moment is right, and by then maybe the anxiety to tell her will fade. But man, don't give up. Fight for what you want. No risks, no rewards. If you go to a casino to play and don't play out of fear, then you don't win, but don't lose. Here, you already lost. See my point?
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