Kiwibird81 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Hi there I'll give you a little bit of background. My boyfriend and I have been together for 17 months. He has just started his career as a teacher. He is 27 and I am 31. We have to wait one and a half years until he is fully registered in our country, before we plan to go overseas and work and live for a while. My friend who I have known since I was 3 has moved to South America, for a year, to do missionary work, so I took this opportunity to see where she is living, see a country I have never been to, meet her fiance and then her and I would travel back to NZ together. November last year, I started making arrangements to go and see her. Of course, with my boyfriend. However, he came to me and said, that he won't have enough money, or will he have enough annual leave (we set 25 days to go on holiday). I however, have the annual leave and the money. After much discussion, he said he would be ok with me going, as it is only for a little while (his ex girlfriend went on holiday without him for three months and on return, he was told she cheated on him and then she broke up with him). I had mixed feelings: "should I be going without him", "is it fair" etc etc. And he reassured me. My mum and friends reassured me there was nothing wrong with going as I am only going for a 25 days, and I can't put my life on hold. I booked the tickets, with his blessing and with his excitement. Now, the time is nearing for my departure and just this weekend he went all nasty and said that we should break up before I go away, whats the point in staying together if i am going to go off and do holidays on my own. He bought up that we will be travelling and living overseas in a couple of years, so why can't i just wait until then? I was speechless, confused, and upset. It turned into a row and i said "you sound jealous" and he replied "YES!! I'm jealous! Jealous that you are doing all this and I have stay behind and sit behind a desk and work while you're doing god knows what over in South America". I reassure him, saying that I wish he was coming, that we will do a bigger trips when he can. I don't know what else to do. Am I doing the wrong thing by going?? My friend is engaged, the other two girls that are with her are married... I'm not going on a holiday with other single girls. He knows I'm not that type of girl to do anything that would ruin our relationship. Now, I'm dreading going on holiday for fear he is going to dump before before, during or after. I told him this fear, and my feelings, and I feel he is playing on them now. Am I doing the right thing?
NJtoDC Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) You are not doing anything wrong by going. Your BF supported you and was excited for you up until now. You made plans back in November with his blessing. To sulk and whine like a toddler now is selfish, insecure, and unfair. I would write him a letter, email, whatever - clearly outlining my problem with him. I'd write it so you have the chance to think ahead and be clear and thorough in your communication, and so he can have time to reflect on what you wrong before simply reacting like a child again. I would touch on: 1) You are NOT his ex. Does he trust you or NOT? 2) If he doesn't trust you, without cause, it is unfair of him to expect you to sit at home and miss out on life to coddle his insecurities 3) He supported you til now. You made your choice with his feelings in mind I assume. He needs to suck it up and be a confident man and wish you well. He is acting very insecure and selfish. 4) Why should you have to miss this opportunity because HE has to work? Again, selfish thinking on his part. 5) Trying to guilt you into staying is manipulative. 6) I'd want an apology to boot for his tantrum. I would inform him I was going and I expect his blessing and happiness for my adventure and if it's all about him there is no need for me. He's too busy with himself. I wish you luck. I hope he has time to reflect on this and come correct. Edited August 12, 2013 by NJtoDC 2
Author Kiwibird81 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Thank you NJtoDC for your reply. It has given me reassurance and yes you are correct in many of your points. I may just follow your suggestion and write him how how it has made me feel. Thank you again
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