My story; getting ex back (very long)

[notgivingup10]

I’ve been reading through posts on here for the past year but finally have decided to post about my own situation. It’s going to be long so please bare with me and, if you can, I could really use some advice.

 

I was dating a girl for four years (both 19-23). We lived together for most of our relationship, both firsts for us, and I can honestly say we were best friends. We did everything together. We had small arguments here and there about petty stuff but we got along really well for a couple living together and spending nearly all of our free time together. We had been through a lot: we moved 7 times in the first 3 years, went to 4 different colleges, each of us worked 5-10 different jobs during our relationship trying to work out way through school. Because we lived together her family cut her out of their life (very conservative Christians) for a long time. We tried to work on our relationship with them but it was a very tough road. This was always really hard on her because she did care about her family and the only reason they had to dislike me/us was the fact that we lived together. I treated her very well and like I said, we were best friends.

 

Anyway, we broke up about a year and a half ago, because of what I think was going on for her personally. We had moved 6 months prior to this to California (1000 miles from home) to get away from her family, move forward in our relationship, and finish school. Seemingly out of nowhere to me she told me she was unhappy and had doubts about us. I knew she was seriously unhappy with her job, with her relationship with her parents, with us not really knowing how we were going to get through the rest of school, and because she really had no friends besides me in California. I never knew she was doubting us as well. She expressed this to her parents and they offered to pay for school and a dorm if she broke up with me. She bit on their bribe and left me. I tried everything to get her back but she wasn’t “ready”. A few months later she agreed to meet for dinner, we got back together and she moved back in (her parents were really upset).

 

Things were a little rocky since we had got back together, we weren’t fighting or anything, but it was obvious I had my guard up since her leaving was such a shock to me. I was absolutely crushed when she left and just went through the motions of life. I was miserable and very depressed. Throughout our relationship we told each other we loved each other multiple times a day, never had an argument last more than a couple of hours, and in four years the longest we spent apart was two days when she went to visit family out of state. Even still, I was kind of worried about opening up completely because of how hard the breakup hit me. I was kind of distant but I told her it would just take some time for things to get back to normal and that I still wanted to spend my life with her and loved her more than ever. We had a roommate at the time who decided to relocate and her and I would need to sign a new lease somewhere else. She kind of panicked and said she was going to stay with a friend for the night. The next day she wouldn’t answer and said she wasn’t happy and needed space and time. She said things weren't the same since we had gotten back together and that she felt like she had ruined our relationship. That I was perfect and she loved me with all of her heart but needed to be alone right now and wasn't ready to commit to a new lease.

 

Those who have been around here long enough know what that means; she met someone else. He is considerably older (30 when we’re both 23) has a lot of money, a great job, a big group of friends, has been living in the area for a while, etc. A lot of things that I don’t have. She didn’t tell me about him but I found out a month or so later. She came over once to get some things a few weeks after we “split up” (we never even had a talk about breaking up, she just kind of left), and we kissed and she cried a lot and just said to be patient with her. I tried everything I could think of to get her back and even debated moving home rather than staying in California and going to the same school (we were to both start our senior year shortly). I was alone in the 2 bedroom apartment with a week to move and nowhere to really go, school was supposed to start in a couple of weeks, she wasn’t talking to me, and I had quit one of my jobs when she had left to try and prove to her I’d make more time for us. I somehow managed to pick myself up, get a better job, my own apartment (this area of California is one of the most expensive for rent in the country) and start school. I was a wreck… since we had split up it had been about 2 months and we had seen each other a few times and talked a little bit. I knew she was seeing someone but didn’t really ask about it and she didn’t really say, just that she was having doubts about our relationship and needed to “find herself”. She called me when her car got broken into and I let her borrow mine for her to get to work. We had lunch a few times and she would tell me she loved and missed me but that she wasn’t ready for “us” again yet. We saw each other when school started and spent a little more time together (at school). We had kissed a few times since we had broken up but that was it.

 

Then I was really upset and lonely and after reading a lot on here decided to go NC. Two weeks later we ran into each other and she asked if I wanted to study in the library in between class. At this point she was dating this guy exclusively. We ended up making love in a study room of the library, after she said how much she missed and loved me. I thought we were getting back together but then I didn’t see from or here from her for a week. A bit later we ran into each other again and she was telling me how tired she was and how she needed to do this math assignment she’s terrible at, I offered to help and we went back to my apartment, again made love and again I thought we were getting back together. She cried afterward and asked why it couldn’t always be this easy. I told her it wasn’t always going to be easy but it didn’t have to be so hard. The next couple days turned into us arguing because she still said she “wasn’t ready for us” and she was not breaking up with this guy. I told her that’s fine if she wasn’t ready but she wasn’t going to magically become ready by dating someone else, and I wasn’t going to wait around while she did, that it wasn’t fair to me, her, or him for her to date him while still being in love with me. I told her she was going to end up hurting all three of us. She then told me we couldn’t talk anymore and she would always love me but she needed me to give her space. I was an absolute mess. I went to school and work but I was a shell of a person, I lost a lot of weight, could hardly sleep, and didn’t really know how to cope. About a month later (the longest we hadn't talked or seen each other) she texts me randomly early in the morning and says she has to see me. I met up with her at school and she ran up to me bawling. I thought someone had died, but she said she had a dream that I had moved home and when she woke up she thought it was real and broke down. We ended up talking for 6 or 7 hours.

 

She told me everyone had told her to date other people and try to move on and that she was trying to but she couldn’t. The new guy was nice but she didn’t have the kind of connection we’d had. That every time she thought of me she got a pit in her stomach and felt sick and had to make herself think of something else. That she missed me and what we had and still loved me like crazy but didn't know if we coud get it back. She was very emotional. We agreed there was a lot to work through but I told her that I still loved her as well and was willing to work through it with her. She said she just felt like someone should tell her what to do because she was so confused. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to say, but I told her that as much as I would like to tell her what to do, she had to make the decision that she felt in her heart was right, and that the people in her life that truly love her would have to accept that, even me. We got food and then ended up kissing in the car and going back to my apartment and making love again. She told me she was going to break up with her boyfriend because he was in love with her and she didn’t feel the same way and she wanted to be with me.

 

But she didn’t. I didn’t hear from her for two weeks after that, then we ran into each other at school and she said it was a big mistake and she was so sorry but she was still confused. I was furious and devastated. I walked away. I sent her a long email a few days later and she called me crying saying she’s hurting too and to please understand she does love me she’s just not sure what to do. I was torn up. I started to realize her relationship with this guy must be more than she is having me believe and decided to go no contact again. She texted me the following week wishing me a merry Christmas (I didn’t reply), she texted me the week after wishing me a happy birthday (I didn’t reply, and her birthday was right before and I didn’t say anything to her then either), then again she texted me the following week about something stupid (I didn’t reply).

 

About two months into NC later I was having a really tough time still and decided to reach out to her and invite her to church. She didn’t reply until it was too late to go but we started texting a little bit. She said she was happy about some things in her life but unhappy because she missed me and “dating people isn’t the same at all”. She missed sharing her life with someone who has the kind of connection we have. I asked her why she didn’t do anything about it then and she said that its complicated. Her parents were supporting this relationship and her relationship with them had gotten better, she had met some new friends and was happy about that, and had some hobbies she enjoyed. Also she met a lot of people through her bf that could help her get a job when she graduated. She was worried that since we had so much history that things would be hard and we wouldn’t work out again. She said she was still in love with me.

 

We off and on talked for a couple weeks and then ended up getting lunch. She again told me she was going to leave this guy because he loved her and her relationship with him wasn’t what she wanted for herself and she was unhappy. That she was his trophy girlfriend and he didn’t know her at all and she didn’t even really know him and that their relationship was all about him, his job, his goals, his plans, and she always took second. That they weren’t also friends like her and I are and she couldn’t talk to him about how she felt. She was leaving him, not to be with me, but because it was the right thing for her. But she did still love and miss me and had learned a lot about herself and thought we could be better off now because of that. I went over to her apartment that night and we had some wine and talked for a few hours. She begged me to sleep with her and stay the night. I told her we had done this before only for her to panic and feel guilty, and that she needed to end things with him first. This may have been the first time in almost 5 years I’ve told her no about anything. She was upset and I left. I brought her breakfast in the morning and since she was moving to a new apartment I spent the morning helping her move (she had asked him to help but he said he needed to go for a run). She had moved one other time during the year and I was the one who was there helping her move that time too. She told me she was going to go have lunch with him and end things. I didn’t hear from her for two days and when I did see her she told me it didn’t go how she planned, how he wouldn’t “let” her break up with him, and promised he’d change, etc. She wasn’t honest with me about spending the day before with him but I could tell something was off, and when I asked she admitted she did spend the day with him. We got into an argument and I told her that we’re already going to have to work through trust issues and the first chance she gets to be honest or not with me she chooses not to. She told me she would call him right then and end things and never see him again, and I told her that its not right to do with me in the car with her, and I left.

 

A few days later we had lunch and she said she thought maybe things would be different with this guy and that she should give it another chance. She was so worried about burning that bridge to try things again with me, and then if things didn’t work out with me she would have nobody. She said for the first time since we split up she felt like she would be OK if we weren’t together and she was afraid to open that back up. I think the only reason she felt like she would be “OK’ is because she had someone else and a lot of security in that relationship. I think a big part of it was that we were about to graduate and the guy knows literally everyone in the area, and had her resume out to a lot of people. I think she was worried because she had met so many influential people and they knew her as this guy's "girlfriend" and she knew it would be weird for a while if she left him/ got back with me.

 

I was really mad/upset and we didn’t talk for a couple of weeks. We both graduated college and even sat together during the ceremony. She came and said hi to my family afterwards and took pictures with me, something she asked me a few days before graduation if we could do. We both got each other a small gift and a card for graduation. Her boyfriend was there, sitting with her family, so I didn’t go say anything them at all (her family probably has no idea that we were in contact at all since breaking up).

 

Two weeks later we start talking again, she’s unhappy again (things hadn’t changed), and she is so worried I’m going to move on and find someone who treats me better. She promises she’s going to leave him it’s just “so much harder then I think”. At the end of the week I ask her if she wants to get a drink and she agrees so I go to pick her up. We hadn’t seen each other in almost a month, which is really long for us, and don’t even make it out of her bedroom. We end up getting dinner much later with one of her friends I had never met, who tells her over dinner that if she doesn’t leave her boyfriend to be with me then she can’t be friends with her anymore, because it’s obvious we’re meant for each other, and she’s tired of hearing about it. And after meeting me we’re so obviously in love it gives her goose bumps, etc. etc. She ends up staying the night with me (for the first time since we had broken up a year before) and ends up breaking up with her boyfriend the next day.

 

The next two weeks were a blur, her friends were telling me she talked about me all the time, and how me not talking to her really killed her, we spent every day and night together, and we spent hours and hours talking about everything. We had really deep and mature conversations about where we were at, what we had learned over the past year, and about where we want to be in the future. She said I was the love of her life, her soulmate, her best friend, and she was so, so, so sorry for everything she had put us through and “thank you so much for never giving up on us”. (She has no idea the hell that I went through all year because when we’d see each other I would try to act fine). She kept telling me how happy she was. We talked about living together again. During these two weeks her ex was calling her multiple times a day, showing up at her house, etc. She told me that she told him something was missing and she was sorry but she couldn’t fake it any longer. When he would call or text she would ignore it and she was very transparent with me about what he was saying to her and that he had emailed her (she didn't reply). She said for the first time she felt like she made the right choice breaking up with someone. Every single one of her friends and family members that she talked to told her she made the right choice, even the ones she thought supported their relationship, because they didn’t like the way he treated her, and it seemed like a “business relationship” more than a true love. I do/did think they were both using each other. She’s absolutely gorgeous (I’m not just saying that) and young, and he’s older with a lot of money, and a ton of connections. We ended up looking at apartments together and signed a lease, I took out a loan to get her a new car, and we went away for the weekend to a concert. I was so happy I felt like my heart was right all along and that the year of hell was worth it and finally over.

 

A few days later she came to have lunch with me at my work (I got a great full time job starting right after graduation, she was working at a restaurant still trying to find a full time job) and I could tell something was up. I asked her what was wrong and she started crying and said she felt like we were moving too fast and she wasn’t ready to tell her family we were moving back in, and didn’t want to commit to the lease since she didn’t have a job, and was feeling suffocated. I calmly told her that it was Ok and I understand why she feels that way, that I also agree its probably too soon to move back in and I don’t want her to feel suffocated. I told her I’d just cancel the lease and we could play it by ear, we were both in month to month places and there wasn’t really a rush (besides her being at my place every day/night and telling me she wanted us to get a place, and it would have saved us a lot of money). She says she’s confused, I get upset and tell her maybe she needs to take some time off from relationships because I hate feeling like I’m trying to convince her to be with me. She says that is not the case but she does need some space. She goes back home and I text her later saying I love her and we both knew this wasn’t going to be easy but that we would get through it and be stronger because of it. She agrees and says she loves me too.

 

Two days later I find out through a friend that she is on a yacht with her ex. I absolutely lose my mind. After stringing me along for over a year, cheating on this guy multiple times with me (I feel like a really horrible person for this), and then finally breaking up with him and spending two amazing weeks with me, she goes back to what she was so unhappy with. The night before we had the talk about not moving in we spent 3 or 4 hours talking about me going to law school and if that’s something we would both want, we walked down to get dinner at one of our favorite sushi places, and then came home and watched a movie with some wine. She showed me a picture online of an old couple that said “the secret to making relationships work: for our generation, when things were broke we fixed them, we didn’t just throw them away”, and said that it made her think of me and her and we talked about how easily people throw away meaningful relationships because starting over is easier. That picture meant a lot to me because I agreed with fixing things rather then starting over and the past year made me think she preferred to just throw them away/run when things got tough. Now I feel like her showing me that, the night before, was some kind of cruel joke. She was telling me what kind of wedding she wants to have and had made a list of all the stuff we should get for our apartment and how she wanted to decorate it. We listed the furniture we didn’t want anymore for sale and called my landlord to put in my notice. She was sending me photos of beds and curtains we should buy. Her best friend told me that she said us getting back together meant getting engaged and married and that is what she wants more than anything. She told me that morning that she couldn't wait to spend every morning for the rest of our lives waking up and making breakfast together.

 

When I saw she was with her ex I tried to call her, no answer. She called me the next day, I asker her what was going on, and she said she was so sorry but things with us are too hard and didn’t work. She was upset with me for being mad. I told her she was selfish and that over the past year I’ve seen her change from the honest, selfless, loyal girl I fell in love with to someone who puts her own happiness first, no matter who she hurts in the process. I hung up and spent two days angrier then I've ever been. I decided to move home (1000+ miles away). I quit my job and started selling my furniture. She called me a few days later to ask about something I had of hers (something I had all year that she didn’t need/care about) and asked if I could give it back. I told her I’d have a friend bring it to her. When she asked why I wasn’t at work I told her I was moving home. She rushed over to my apartment and cried and asked if there was anything she could say to make me stay. I told her no, and she cried harder. She said she wasn’t getting back with her ex and I wouldn’t understand but that she needed to do her own thing and not answer to anyone, and although she was so happy spending time with me again the moving in thing freaked her out. I gave her a box of cards, notes, etc. she had given me over the years and she just leaned in and kissed me (which really surprised me) passionately, and then left. I loaded my car and headed home the next day. She called first thing in the morning and asked if I had left and when I told her I had she said she didn’t think I actually would (I didn’t think I actually would either). She said maybe this would be the best thing for us and she was so sorry for everything.

 

I told her we couldn’t talk unless she was ready to commit to a relationship with me. She said she would be able to one day. A few weeks after being home I had a rough day and I was questioning everything and I called her. She said it was really good to hear from me and told me she made a mistake and thinks about me and us all the time. That she can’t wrap her head around the fact that I’m gone. That she still loves me and misses me. This went on for about a week, at which point I was sure she’s seeing her ex because of her infrequent contact and the fact that she can’t/has never really been alone (she hasn't had more than a couple days of being single since she was 16). She called me two weeks ago to tell me she is with him, he got her a job, things are different/better now between them, and she wants to try it again. She thinks that that relationship could make her happy. She said we can’t talk anymore, which is the first time I’ve ever heard that.

 

The thing is, she knows/has known this guy wants to marry her. He’s 30 and they’ve been together for a year. She told me during our last talk that she really was as unhappy as she was telling me for the last 3-4 months of their relationship but that things are different now. He has no idea about me, no idea that her and I had talked or seen each other at all, much less slept together repeatedly, were physical in other ways all the time, had gotten back together, signed a lease, it’s all really sad. I really think he’s going to propose to her soon as well. They had a trip to Hawaii planned for October that she’s apparently going on. I really don’t know what to do, the person she’s been over the past year is nothing like the girl I fell in love with but when we are together it is the same as it used to be and I still consider her my best friend. She means the world to me. I put up/went through so much this past year to keep our love alive and try to be patient with her. I am hurting really bad, I feel like I lost all direction, I have no desire to be with anyone else. I left a great job in California because I knew it would not be healthy for me to continue to be 10 minutes from her and hear her say she loves me but that we can’t talk, but I’m doing really bad back at home. My two best friends here are having kids this month, most of my other friends are married or got engaged this summer, and I just miss her so damn bad. I prayed every night for a year that she was happy and that if she wasn’t that she would think of me and want to try things again. And she came back and told me everything I’d wanted to hear. If she was happy with the other guy I don't know why she would actually leave him for me, it wasn't a spur of the moment decision, she had been dealing with making it for months. My family thinks of her differently now which is really hard (they loved her), and I am terrified to find out that she’s engaged to this guy. I really think she is with him for the wrong reasons, but maybe that is just wishful thinking.

 

I’d like to think that because she left this guy before that its not going to work out between them, but that same logic could be used for me and her. Since we had moved to California together, she only has really one good friend there, who doesn’t like her boyfriend, and one kind of close friend who I’m not sure how she feels about that relationship. She does have a ton of "friends" through the other guy but they are more acquaintances.

 

Does anyone have any advice, besides the, move on/she’s not worth it? I am trying to move on and trying to think of myself because that is what I need to do even if we were to get back together, but after 5 years of planning my life around/with her I’m really, really struggling. My friends are tired of hearing me talk about it because they have lost a lot of respect for her over this and know that I deserve better (I do, I just want to have better with her). Any advice from someone on the other side who might have an idea of what she's going through or what might be going through her mind.

 

If you took the time to read all of this, thank you. I debated writing what I was going through many times but today I think I'm at the lowest I've ever been.

Edited August 11, 2013 by notgivingup10

[notgivingup10]

anyone? any advice/insight is really appreciated...

[Renard99]

Unfortunately, the way I see it it is a case of 'move on'. You're getting mixed messages from her which is just leading you on. Despite all of her claims that she misses you so much etc etc, she's not committing to you. You're effectively on the back burner, the second choice and if things remain as they are now you will always be that way.

 

The best course for you would be to go 'no contact' and focus on moving on....... However, as you don't want the 'move on advice' I'm afraid there's nothing much people can really say.

 

Sorry.

[Emma1234]

Wow, that story really shocked me. I don't know her so I will not judge but by going on what you've said there I can't believe you would consider giving her another chance. My ex gave up at the first problem but you have been incredible and fought for her!! She, in my eyes, does not seem worthy after all she has put you through and after reading that all I can think is you are going to make someone who is out there now waiting for you so happy one day. This doesn't sound like the sort of girl who is deserving of your love and loyalty anymore. The pain she has put you through sounds awful and one day she's going to realise what she lost.

 

End it. That's my opinion. Just decide that this is it, you are finally going to live your life for yourself. You know you are a very decent person so you will find that special girl who will treat you right on day. Focus on building your life without her now, I know you love her, it's evident in your actions but what she has done does not reflect love.

 

Just focus on moving on now, get your life together and try to heal from all the pain she has put you through.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I agree with Emma.

 

I think moving away was a smart move. Otherwise, she would have kept her back and forth forever as, for her, that's a perfect state of affairs that allows her not to resolve her confusions, to have two men at her disposal that offer very different things, etc.

 

Every relationship has an element of compromise and she's obviously not willing to compromise much for either of you. It would be fine if you and he were happy being part-time boyfriends, but since you aren't, then trying to move on is best.

[likeagunshot]

Honestly I know this is not what you want to hear but you really need to cut her loose. I've read your whole entire story (word for word!) and really, I don't know what to tell you for you to really realize it, but you need to move on. Because maybe she doesn't know what she wants, but she seems to know what she doesn't want and that's getting back (AND STAYING) with you.

 

As someone told me when I posted about my own complicated love story on here 'love isn't walking in and out of someone's life'. It's wholeheartedly wanting to be with someone and it's not a choice, it's a NEED. Your ex loves you but you're not her future, if you really were she wouldn't have left you the second time around. She left her older boyfriend/ex to be with you, then spent only 2 weeks trying to make it work before she bolted again. And how is it moving too fast when you've already been together 4 years? after that many years together you KNOW if you wanna live with someone and the decision of doing so doesn't come as a shock I'm sorry. It should come like a blessing and be something exciting and the fact that she still was uneasy with it, it means something.

 

I am obviously convinced that she loves you. But I don't think she loves you enough and not as much as you love her. And that's all that should matter to you at this point. Not her halfhearted efforts, not her cries nor pains or existential pangs of regret regarding your relationship... Don't let yourself get too effected by her post break up behaviour. You shared FOUR years together and she never got the time to truly heal. She keeps asking for space because she NEEDS it but she doesn't know how to deal with it alone because for the past four years she's had you. You are actually doing her a disfavour by staying in touch because she's never gonna grow into her own person making her OWN decisions if you're always by her side or in the background.

 

Of course she's going to miss you and you're going to miss her, you spent a significant amount of time together and shared alot of memories and alot alot of growing up together; its NATURAL after a break up that you go crazy with each other because it's all new circumstances for both of you.

 

But in NO WAY does that mean that the break up was wrong. And if it meant that, then you would've solved it by now and she wouldn't have chosen to stay with her older boyfriend. I think she feels comfort in you because you've been her rock for so long, I just don't think you need to put that much weight on her words and promises of a bright future together because her behaviour the past year to you hasn't been very fair. ON YOU.

 

How would you forgive her and put all that trust back into her knowing she's walked away from you, knowing she threw away your love for something superficial and shallow, how she strang you along for so long and put herself first knowing it would hurt you?

 

Love isn't easy but true love isn't this hard. It comes naturally because there's not a doubt in both people's mind that they want to be together. I know every love story is different but if you already spent 4 years together, then broke up and tried to rekindle your relationship and one of you, in this case her, STILL isn't sure..

 

It means something.

 

You need to rebuild yourself and your life and put her past you. I'm sorry I know you don't wanna hear that but reading your story, that's my opinion anyway.

[darkmoon]

you can make friends with a girlfriend? any split is her (drama-addicted) loss, stay sane and meet somebody else, the sooner the better