was i stupid to turn down my ex???

[kayjay85]

ok a brief history about our relationship. I had been with my ex for 4 yrs had a great relationship travelled the world together had made plans for our future like getting our own house and starting a family.My ex has been there with me through a lot family problems health problems like a normal couple would be i was also there for him. My only problem was his mother and sister they were so stuck up and i felt like i wasnt good enough for them.

 

Ten months ago i developed an addiction to pain killers because of a health problem due to muscle pain. The addiction wasnt the only part of my problem i had started to become severely depressed and constantly stressed out as even though i was taking pain killers the pain was so bad i couldnt sleep for days. I started to do stupid things like not going into work but telling my boyfriend i was eventually i got sacked but couldnt tell my boyfriend as we had bills to pay. I couldnt tell my boyfriend ( i will never know why ) so i just became more depressed and ran away from my problems.

 

I started maxing out my card to live and spent the money in our joint account pretending it was for clothes and stuff. my boyfriend asked me a few times if i was ok and i just said yes he suspected something was wrong as he had turned up at my work and i wasnt there. I still didnt tell him id had the sack. for months this carried on until one day i had enough and walked out of his house in the night. I left him a letter telling him how depressed i was and didnt want to be hear . all panic broke loose and he and my mum were out all night looking for me. 2 days later i returned home.

 

My partner was so upset that i hadnt told him anything and later on was so upset that i had ruined both our credit histories not only was it our future but it affected his business.

 

The relationship was over the night i walked out and i was devastated even though i walked out on him i still wanted to be with him. A weight had been lifted now i told him everything but he didnt want to know.

For weeks i would cry and beg for him to come back to me and he made it clear he didnt want to be with me.

A few weeks later i sent a racy txt and he replied this went on for a few days until we decided to meet up and have sex. I thought i had him back but he said it was wrong. We still carried on texting and meeting up. Then one day after we had been together i told him i wouldnt sleep with him any more unless we were together. If im good enough to sleep with im good enough to have a relationship with. He told me it was a bad idea and we shouldnt meet up again and just get over each other. That was a week ago now fast forward to today. I get a racy message from him and i reply and we decide to meet up tomorrow. I get so happy but then i realise he is just using me he still doesnt want a relationship he just wants easy sex with me as he knows i still love him. I have just messaged him and told him its a bad idea i didnt think id ever do that as i would give anything to spend any time with him. He just said ok.

 

My problem is and i maybe wrong is that he still wants me but his mum and sister dont want him to be with me because he keeps on saying i have not only hurt him but his family. so i dont know if thats an excuse of his mum and sister who dont like me have filled his head with nonsense.

 

any help please

[Waynester]

Firstly, have you been getting any help for your depression..counselling maybe?

What about the pain killer addiction? Getting on them is soo easy, & when life is going wrong, stressful, or you are unhappy..they can become a crutch to help deal with emotional pain too! They may not be designed for that purpose, but taking a bunch can make you feel good for a short while. Been there, got t-shirt etc..

 

Things went bad, real bad.. but you didn't do anything silly..you're still here, & that is the main thing!

So before your depression & job issues..the relationship was ok, strong? Yes things were/are bad, but.. everything given time is fixable. I realize your ex must have felt hurt or betrayed, or some feeling of that ilk, but if he loved you..really loved you, he would still be by your side!

Love is love, yes it can be tested..but if you love someone, you forgive & work together on moving forward.

 

His mum & sister are a problem, but only if he is being influenced by them. Again, if he loves you..it wont matter what anyone says, you would/should be his priorty.

 

Its difficult I know..hurts which just adds to your emotional state, but...making someone love you doesn't help. His mum/sister you can do nothing about, you just have to hope YOU are his priority! Comes back to that love thing again I'm afraid. Does he..truly? If he did, he would still be there.

Sorry, I'm not helping am I? I do hope it works out for you, but just remember your own self worth. No-one should run you down, but if they do..ignore! You sound like a great person..whos just had a tough time, but you are strong enough to fix this..on your own if need be! Believe in yourself, get as much help from family, friends..professionals as possible.

 

You CAN do this, time heals & one day you will look back at this as just a bad page in your life book. The rest of your book looks great!!

 

I hope you get what you need & want, your ex back & help. But keep going forward, try to keep some positivity inside somewhere because..the better times can be here sooner.

 

If you feel worse or emotionally 'wobbly' come back here..post away, someone is always listening, & may even help..just by listening.

 

Good luck with everything.. remember the rest of your book & that this is just a crappy page. It will change for the better soon.

 

Good luck!

Edited August 12, 2013 by Waynester

[kayjay85]

Thank you very much i cried when i read your reply.

Yes i got help for my depression and addiction the same week i walked out. I do have family and friends helping me a lot. I just thought if this man was deeply in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me why cant we work through it. He still says hes shocked and confused but pretty much made his mind up. We have never had any problems in these years not so much as a fight or a heated arguement and i feel like he just cant handle this. His mum and sister play a big part in his life hes so close to them and his mum is very over bearing i keep telling him to make his own mind up or he will regret it.

 

should i just walk away and concentrate on me.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, kayjay85

 

Just read your story.

 

How are you?

 

First: don't become his prostitute.

 

Men can have sex with no feelings, we can't.

 

You will not win him back with sex. He just wants the control over the situation, since you are not acting needy.

 

Men value what they can't have.

They don't marry vagina, they marry virtue.

 

I have done the leg work for that question.

Bahaha!

 

Or as Samantha from Sex and the city says:

Samantha Jones: Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good you can't get it anymore. If it's bad you just had sex with an ex.

 

The worst form of sex, is sex with someone you have broken up with, not long ago, because it gives false hopes and confusion. Usually one of you have to get up and leave for work, usually him. Leaving you in bed all confused and with lots of mixed emotions for the rest of the day.

 

The new you, the one with a job and friends and having a great time, wouldn't have time to fit old stupid ex into her agenda. Even for sex. Since you are having so much fun, maybe even with new guys. Guys that are nice to you.

 

When people say «getting over him», or «getting over her», what they really mean is, getting over the failed relationship.

 

Your relationship was derailing, and one of you saw it coming and jumped off the train (broke up) before it crashed.

 

Now, it would have been nice if they did the right thing and warned you, but people tend to be cowards - unfortunately.

 

Now put the penis down, Kayjay85, and call a good girlfriend and make plans for the whole week, and make a list with weekly goals - for at least 2 months time.

 

Second: I would, since you now know he still has feelings for you, so many he even wants to see you naked, but not enough to be in a relationship, I would be strong and keep no contact, I think this is the best way to get both your life back and your ex - if you want to, not if he wants to.

 

Muhaha!

 

No contact will flush out the feelings he has for you.

 

Since people often don't realise how much someone means to them until they're gone.

 

You must have seen that film somewhere, eh?

[kayjay85]

Thanks for that reply. i sort of know what i have to do even though today i have been strong tomorrow i might not. Im old enough to know these things happen but ive never split up with someone with these circumstances. I needed him the most but i didnt tell him but when i eventually did tell him he ran away. I sort of know that because we havent been together his feelings have changed but i just dont know how he could do this the boyfriend i know who has already helped me through so much has left me when i needed him.

i am going to do no contact just for my own sanity and i know him well i know he will come running back within time. But what if i ever get depressed again he will just leave again. In 4 years we had no problems not a heated arguement never split up. hmmm i always thought it was too good to be true. all the stuff he helped me with were health problems i could always count on him. He asks me why i didnt tell him all the stuff that was going on but he doesnt understand depression even i didnt x

[Waynester]

Thank you very much i cried when i read your reply.

Yes i got help for my depression and addiction the same week i walked out. I do have family and friends helping me a lot. I just thought if this man was deeply in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me why cant we work through it. He still says hes shocked and confused but pretty much made his mind up. We have never had any problems in these years not so much as a fight or a heated arguement and i feel like he just cant handle this. His mum and sister play a big part in his life hes so close to them and his mum is very over bearing i keep telling him to make his own mind up or he will regret it.

 

should i just walk away and concentrate on me.

 

 

Simple answer is 'yes'

If he loves you.. he will find his way back to you, but now its time to focus on yourself.

 

Really hope it all works out for you. Remember though 'Rome was not built in a day'

[kayjay85]

My ex wanted to meet up with me on the monday and i said no. and by the wednesday (yesterday) he was taking another girl out on a date. I dont know if its a rebound or what. This is just so hard after we split and i told him i was so worried he would meet someone else he said dont worry i wont be meeting anyone ele for a long time i staill have feelings for you. Now 7 week later hes dating. I know i have to move on but its hard for me because im the one that hurt him. even though it was my depression it was still me.

[loversquarrel]

Just because he is dating someone doesn't mean he stopped having feelings for you. You have to keep in mind that these things take time and you broke his trust by keeping things from him...and took from him. You also developed a nasty little drug habit.

 

Right now you scare him and I would interpret his maintaining sexual contact with you as keeping you at arms length, you two have too much of a past for him to just use you. Don't forget you also walked out on him - how hurtful do you think that was? To walk out and not be heard from for two days? I really don't blame him.

 

Sometimes you have to let someone forgive you, if YOU love him ENOUGH you will let that happen.

[kayjay85]

lovesquarrel your post really hurt but it is so damn true. I did do all those things That i am very sorry for but it was just out of my controll. and my ex did undertsand we had a big talk and a big cry. I know he must be hurting but because i love him so much my first reaction was to keep him from leaving but i ended up making him go further away. I just cant see if he loved me for 4 years and would do anything for me then why he wouldnt want to work it out. But thats just my way of thiking as im the one who caused all this pain.

[loversquarrel]

I'm not trying to be hurtful with my post, in any way. Taking responsibility is very important, mostly for you to understand just how much you hurt the person you love. Saying that what happened was out of your control is trying to place the blame on something else. What happened was very much in your control, what you did was made poor decisions, and there are consequences to poor decisions.

 

Try a different approach - maybe he's thinking to himself that if you loved him so much for 4 yrs., then why did you do these things to him? This is the reality of the situation.

 

Taking proper responsibility will help you become a better person for you, which in turn will make you a better person for him, and if not him, then someone else.

[kayjay85]

well to be honest there wasnt much i could do for the pain all i could do was wait and my boyfriend was the one who got me his nans pain killers only because he knew how much pain i was in. Yes i hid stuff from him and i dont know why as we always got through so much. The only thing that i could think off was because i had always been such a strong person never had any money problems never had depression and i thought that me being like this i was weak were i always had controll of my life. I couldnt talk to my boyfriend or even my family and friends it just took over me so quick. His sister and her husband have also suffered depression so i thought he would understand and they both acted differently. He keeps saying ive hurt his family so much because of what i have done to him which make me think (or want to believe) that they dont want him with me.

[kayjay85]

and i also i told him a lot of times i was depressed and didnt want to be here. He would say we will have a talk and he would never bring it up again. Or if he thought something was wrong he would wait for me to leave and text me to see if everything was ok. He never wanted to talk about anything face to face he is one of these people who would just not face things.

[loversquarrel]

Well, sounds like if it is going to work out at all between you two communication is going to have to take a front seat. Ultimately it appears this has been the relationships greatest deficit.

[kayjay85]

He has met somebody else now so i cant see it working out. When we split he would message and say he was depressed and missed me. When i asked him to talk to me about it he would say he was ok. But after what i went through with the depression i couldnt ignore it i told him to talk to his friends or dad but he would say he was ok. so i think yes there i some sort of communication problem.

 

Hes moved on quick but im still hurting i know i will move on soon but i just have to get through it in my own way.