Strategy Moving Forward

[JimmyB26]

This saga begins months ago.

 

I'm in law school wrapping up this year. Very successful, head of the class, leadership roles. Back in March I met a beautiful young woman finishing up college and heading to the same law school in the fall. She attended a recruiting event with a guy, I had a great conversation with them, gave her some advice, dropped my card and said see you in August.

 

She texted three days later. Investigating her relationship with the plus-one, I started flirting and saw an opening. The guy turned out to be an on-and-off boyfriend. She and I went back and forth for a couple weeks, then talked on the phone, then she invited me out for a couple of beers, at which she told me how attracted she was to me. Then the other dude comes to pick her up outside when we're done! She tells me a couple days later that she promised him she'd give their dying relationship one last chance. I backed off at her request. Totally went dark.

 

Didn't take her a week to start texting me again. Then I began traveling for summer work and was only in town sporadically on weekends. She continued to reach out over the summer, and I tried to move it to another meet-up a couple of times. I guess things were improving with the guy because she ignored. I made one last attempt, and then wished her good luck and said goodbye. Went dark again.

 

Three weeks later she started texting me again. A couple of weeks after that we met up for drinks on a Sunday afternoon and I gave her a run-down of what she needed to know for entering law school. Then we got personal, she told me some of the problems she was dealing with (including the man, solicited my opinion, and I gave it to her straight - huge red flags).

 

The next couple weeks I was finishing up my summer work with a last bout of traveling. We continued to text, and they were turning more flirtatious. She opened up about feelings, emotions, etc.

 

I got back in town Monday and we had plans to go out Tuesday. I took her out. When she arrived she told me they'd broken up. She said she was fine with it. We had drinks, then went to a live music bar, danced, laughed, drank. Halfway through the night she leaned in and started making out with me. Didn't realize what an amazing kisser I'd be, or what an amazing dancer I'd be.

 

We stayed out for six hours, finishing up with some more making out, before I insisted on putting her in a cab rather than let her take the subway late at night and paid the cabbie. She was texting me within minutes telling me how much she enjoyed herself.

 

I followed up the next day and received texts back with 's about what a great time she had. The next day, this past Thursday, I invited her to my place for dinner and drinks (we'd mentioned it on Tuesday), and she said it sounded wonderful, but she was working double-shifts all weekend. I told her I understood with a smile, and to let me know when she had time to come over and see me. Then I went dark. It's been three days, and I know she's telling the truth about work - she's a hard worker putting herself through school. Has been financially independent since 17. Since she didn't counter-offer, I think it's safe to let her get back to me and disappear.

 

1. Did I misstep somewhere that I'm not seeing? Because my game has been pretty tight and she had an amazing time on Tuesday.

 

2. When she starts approaching me in a few days at school, I don't want to give off the impression that hanging out with me at school is a satisfactory substitute for seeing me again. I told her exactly when and how she could see me again, and my place is three blocks from school.

And by the way, I don't expect sex - it would be nice, and we were both very tempted on Tuesday - but I'm inviting her into my home to cook for her.

[Chocolat]

I don't like the sound of it. She sounds conflicted and not sure what she wants. She may be a great girl, but this isn't the time to think about a relationship with her.

 

I think your strategy should be to find someone else to date.

[JimmyB26]

I appreciate the fair warning.

 

Maybe I wasn't specific enough. How do I give myself the best odds with her?

[CptSaveAho]

you sleep with her the next time you hang out

 

she's only good for a one night stand, anything else you are in for a lot of punishment

[JimmyB26]

What makes you say I'm in for a lot of punishment?

[Sunshine87]

I like how you go dark/allow her to reach out.

 

I'd say that you've done everything right. Yup, you also abided by the "rules of the game".

 

The rest is out of your hands. I reckon that her ex is lingering on somewhere in the background and this makes her feel conflicted.

 

Its not impossble that you might start off a great relationship which would completely eliminate her on-off boyfriend. It happens. However, a lot of dynamics come into play for eg the persistence of the ex, her feelings or the level of emotional attachment she has towards this guy, their history etc.

 

It might very wearisome, getting entangled in the triangle. So I think you should continue to stay in the dark. If she reaches out, tread with caution. Start thinking about YOUR needs and wants as opposed to hers. Is she giving you what you want? Is it sufficient for you?

[Sunshine87]

What makes you say I'm in for a lot of punishment?

 

Roller coaster, back and forths, mixed signals, happy - sad, ups and downs.

[JimmyB26]

I'll add that looking back over our text on iMessage, it's not unlike her to be out of contact when she's working all weekend. In fact, the only times we've been in touch on the weekends the last few weeks is when I've reached out.

 

Thank you for responding.

 

I'm keeping in mind that she's starting law school orientation in a few days, and she's probably nervous. The same problem with the guy has crept up each time she's taken him back, and I think it's over and done with this time. The straw that broke the camel's back was his being unwilling to understand that she wouldn't compromise her dream of being a lawyer to meet his expectations of going out, for example, on the night of the first day of her classes, which is MORONIC of him to say the least.

 

From what else she's told me, she's gone back because experiences with other guys were disappointing. But - and I'm not trying to toot my own horn too much - I'm a catch, and she knows it.

[Sunshine87]

I'll add that looking back over our text on iMessage, it's not unlike her to be out of contact when she's working all weekend. In fact, the only times we've been in touch on the weekends the last few weeks is when I've reached out.

 

Thank you for responding.

 

I'm keeping in mind that she's starting law school orientation in a few days, and she's probably nervous. The same problem with the guy has crept up each time she's taken him back, and I think it's over and done with this time. The straw that broke the camel's back was his being unwilling to

understand that she wouldn't compromise her dream of being a lawyer to meet his expectations of going out, for example, on the night of the first day of her classes, which is MORONIC of him to say the least

 

From what else she's told me, she's gone back because experiences with other

guys were disappointing. But - and I'm not trying to toot my own horn too much - I'm a catch, and she knows it.

 

 

Lol. You do sound like a catch, but I don't really buy the "too busy" excuse. I went to law school as well and my orientation was fun and maybe a bit nerve racking but ultimately it was enjoyable and I certainly had time to

date.

 

I'm not disputing that she is busy, I'm just not convinced that a woman or

man is ever too busy to reach out.

 

I just want to reiterate that you've done things the right way, but ensure that you don't internalize the belief that she doesn't get in touch because she is too busy. That's an excuse that people make up to justify the lack of effort from the other party or perhaps feel better about the situation.

 

If you feel that she is worth the effort, do not relent. However ensure that you don't resort to "pursuing or chasing her" and continue to allow her get back to you. My question is: for how long can you put up with this?

[JimmyB26]

Thanks, I appreciate it.

 

All I meant is that her actions are not incongruent with the way she's behaved in the past few weeks. On weekends both of us have been busy and I've only gotten in touch to really set up the time to see her and stuff.

 

I don't think she's selling me an excuse. She really is working double shifts all the time. She's got some scholarship $ coming in but basically footing the bill all on her own. In fact, she had the opportunity to live with the guy, who lives in the same major city both of us live in, but she instead is working to pay for her own place on top of all of the other expenses. In fact she was desperate to find an apartment for a while and was overjoyed to find one. She was trying very hard not to live with him, which was one of the huge indicators to me that she was walking out on him.

 

Is there a possibility that she wasn't sure I'd be the awesome guy I turned out to be on Tuesday, that she wasn't sure she'd have such a good time, and when she did have a great time she suddenly started feeling guilty and or nervous or both.

 

I know in that case what pushing the issue would have gotten me. I've made that mistake before. I'm glad to hear that I've maximized my odds.

 

And thank you for being concerned about my needs and wants - my life keeps on moving forward and she's not the only woman in it.

[CptSaveAho]

go date other women...

 

you wont be able to catch this one, anyone with "tight game" wouldnt even consider/try this one

 

you're a layup to this girl, the easy basket, she could text you and you would drop at the speed of light to hang out with her... (creation of this thread is proof of it)

[JimmyB26]

True I did create this thread. But as far as she knows, her inaction is causing me to drift away again. I laid out the conditions under which she could see me. Expressing interest in seeing her again is hardly dropping everything at the speed of light to hang out with someone. Have I wanted this one for a while? Yeah. Will I tolerate anything to make it happen? No - only if the interaction goes where I want it to go.

 

I've led the interaction along to this point, and by leaning back and waiting for her to come to me, I'm only increasing my odds.

[hoping2heal]

Before I begin I just want to add the disclaimer in there that I probably come off as kind of an ******* at times. I don't really have any intention in changing that, but I thought if I let you know now it's not just you that it would be less insulting. Plus, I mean I would like to speak some sense into people but I'm not actually looking to hurt feelings. Or, maybe that was all BS and I just don't want to get sued .

 

Now, onto what I was going to say. You're head of your class, you're in law school and where the hell is your common sense. She was seeing someone else and while doing so she was entertaining a flirtation with you. You want to talk "major red flags" ? Here's your sign. It's irrelevant that she didn't have sex with you, would you be comfortable with her telling some other guy how attracted she is and bla bla bla? No, of course you wouldn't.

 

Goody good good that she's smart and motivated that doesn't mean because she can be a successful lawyer that she's successful at treating people properly or even herself. She lacks self control and she sounds immature and that is always, always, allllwwaaays a red flag.

 

Now little Miss Frosted Flake is up to her usual flakey ass M.O and you're not sure what to think. Good for you for asserting boundaries and not allowing her to just pull the crossaint on you but bad on you for continuing after her anyway. Go cook for someone who can have a date with you one night and a not get lost the next morning, jeezus.

[JimmyB26]

No one's perfect. Especially not her. I can't ask her to be.

 

Look, as I've established:

 

1. Being out of contact on the weekends, especially when she's been slaving away working doubles, is not uncommon.

2. She just got out of a relationship. From our conversation weeks ago, I understand the pattern. The guy is an ABSOLUTE beta male. I took one look at him and sensed it. He's a man-child. If he was doing things right, he wouldn't have to beg for chances that he then screws up, and have her line up new guys in the background who have their stuff together and do things right. Unlike the previous guys who she's sought out while she's been "off," I'm not obsessive, clingy, needy, demanding, impatient, stalkerish, etc. (I do care enough to come on here and post a thread, yeah, but hey, that's an aside, and nothing she has to know about).

2.5. Having said #2 above, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes she wants to test my metal. Every time she's ventured away from this numbskull, she's had her ass handed to her because a new guy scares her in some way. So I don't doubt that to a certain degree, she's testing me to see if I really mean it, or if I'll crumble and reach out again.

3. She's starting law school, a passion for her. As an older student, with a doctorate, a successful summer associateship, I'm someone who she admires, respects, and wants to emulate. I've advised her and counseled her, prepared her for the experience as best I can, and she's grown to trust me implicitly over time. But she's getting nervous, she's going to have classes to worry about, and I'm sure that even as she was excited about the outcome of Tuesday night, her friends and family are telling her to proceed with caution.

4. By her own words, she didn't expect me to be so much fun the other night. She figured - worse case scenario, he doesn't live up to my expectations, i have a decent time, and I spend an evening with a friend. But then I proceed to blow the night out of the water, surpass her expectations, and suddenly she has no idea what to do about it. I'd be confused too.

5. At the end of the day, all this was a thread about was setting up myself in the best way possible to create the best odds in my favor. That's all I can hope for. I realize I have to cut bait otherwise, be authentically confident, and be the man she's been waiting for and hoping I am.

Edited August 12, 2013 by JimmyB26