how do you know when it's over?? and then..how do you break it off???

[Scarlett_girl]

so i've been with my bf for 2 years and since july we have been having problems...we basically never resolve anything..he doesn't like to discuss our problems..he'd rather dig his head in the sand..but the problem is..the resentmnet has been building in me and now i'm fed up. he rarely see each other(maybe once a week) which woudlnt be a problem BUT that one time we see each other is always in a group..we have not been alone since sometime in Sept.. and it seems that everytime we get together..he gets mad or annoyed at something I say or do..when I said something about annoying kids at dinner once..he got upset the next day because it was a "stupid comment and how could I not want kids??" etc etc"..one time he came over for like 5 mins.. left and the sent me an email saying I made him feel like he was not wanted and that i never made time for him..meanwhile i had midterms to study for and a grandparent in the hospital! since then..he calls everynight but we talk about NOTHING..i really mean NOTHING..like..we say hi..how was your day..cool..yup..so..what up..alright..silence..talk to you tomorrow"

that is the sum total of our convos...and he got pissed at me cuz i couldnt go to his father's dinner party(i had midterms) and his friend party this week end too..it;s like he doesnt understand...i want to get into grad school and i need to keep my marks up..i can afford to see him but i cant go out clubbing on week ends or go out to long dinners! it;'s like my future dreams mean nothing to him...so ya..i'm pretty sure it's over..i'm not happy anymore with him..but how do I know for sure?? and how do I break up with someone i've been with for so long?? thanks

[iceisles]

The deteriorating communication is definitely a concern, but this does not mean that the end is near. What you need to do is get together with him in private (no groups) and have a serious heart-to-heart to talk. Don't be afraid to come out and ask how he feels about your relationship, and make sure he knows that you are concerned about things. A lack of communication can kill a partnership, but a solid conversation can surely save one. If he is unwilling to talk about things, or is avoiding key issues, that may be a sign that he is beginning to distance himself from you. It also may mean that he has a lot of things going on his life. You need to find out what is bothering him and try to rectify whatever is seriously affecting your relationship. I wouldn't assume that a breakup is on the horizon until you've had the opportunity to have a serious talk together.

 

Keep us updated on how things go.

[Scarlett_girl]

i can't tell you how many times I've tried talking to him! one time it ended with me in tears on the phone and he, instead of coming to see how i was feeling..went out with his friends..another time he basically jumped at me and blamed me for all of our problems..another time he said there was no problem to talk about..i then somehow convinced him to go for coffee with me to talk..but he canceled later saying he was too tired...so.ya..he doesn't want to talk..as is obvious by the fact that when he phones me at night..he says nothing to me..it's really frustrating..cuz I want to end it but I can't deal with all the **** that follows a break up right now..so i'm at a loss for what I should do..any suggestions?

[iceisles]

I would test him with an ultimatum. Tell him that you need to have a serious talk, otherwise things will end. It may be tough to say that, but it should give him a good kick in the pants to start talking. If he still cares about you and the relationship, he will realize that you're not playing games and will want to work things out right away. If he continues to avoid you despite this, I'm afraid you will have no choice but to call things off. I realize that breakups are tough, but they are the right thing to do when you recognize that you aren't making progress with your significant other after a long period of time. Hang in there - we are here to help whenever you need us!

[Scarlett_girl]

thanks for the advice..funny thing.just two weeks ago..i gave him an "ultimatum" I told him I coulnt take the way we were heading and that we had to figure things out..he said there was nothing to figure out everything was fine...for some reason..i let it slide....what is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!? I'm going to give it another week or so..no sense in jumping into anything..and then I'll try talking to him again..if he's still being a jerk..i'll have no choice to call it off

[JoL]

Ah hun, it sounds like a tough situation..

I have been in a similar situation with my boyfriend.

 

At around 7 months into our r'ship we started fighting, ALWAYS started by him and ALWAYS really nasty..name calling, hanging up, telling me its over and he doesnt want to see me anymore.

Me crying, trying to redeem whatever ive done that week. Well it succeeded in turning me really bitter and resentful towards him, although i love him.. in turn i was starting to act cold and distant from him at times, and he noticed...it was a cycle. he would get nasty, id turn cold, hed get more upset..

 

We then had a talk and i told him how i felt, he told me its better if we end it, i he was testing me to see what id say i think about the situation.

I told him i just needed him to be nicer to me when angry and not be a bully. i told him i was sick of his verbal abuse, and that if he was going to continue on like that, i would just harbour negative emotions.

I have to admit, although things have been better recently, it is hard to get past the negative feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think of all the fights we have had. i am trying to save this relationship but i honestly cant predict right now if it will happen or not, so many times i felt it was over and i had enough, and then id want to give it a try to fix things. we have (or i have) dealt with, and are still dealing with, a million other problems in this relationship too.. (my parents hating him because we arent of the same background, his jealousy at times, his temper, insecurity..etc etc...)

 

So basically what im saying is, if you feel its over and you have had enough, chances are, unless he makes a big 180 degree turn and puts some effort into the relationship..it looks like you might have already emotionally called it a day. if he doesnt want to talk tell him flat out, you need someone to communicate with, not just brush you off.

you both need to tell eachother exactly what is going on and he needs to start by giving you a chance to speak up.

you might feel it's too late already..or they might be time to bring things back on track. talk to him. force him to listen and if he doesnt want to, tell him you wont be in touch until he is ready to be a grown up about his emotions.

[Scarlett_girl]

so we went out last night..and he started talking about how we never see each other cuz I spend too much time doing schoolwork..and that all his sisters went to uni and they always went out all the time(none of them went on to grad or law school though)...basically he wants me to spend less time doing resreach and school work and more time with him going out late clubbing, parties etc etc..which by the way..he knows I don't like partying much..but anyways..he the basic gist of it is that he wants to me scale back on school for him...i was really mad at that because my dream is to get my doctorate and become a professor and he wants me to jeapordize that for him?!?!?! i can't understand what he is being so unreasonable...when he doesnt have time to see me or is too tired or whatever..i have to understand or he gets pissy..but when i have a limited amount of time..it's the end of the world?!?!?! oh and he starts talking about this right before the movie starts so i can't even respond...really mature..aaaaaaaaaaah! i figure..i don't have the time or the energy to spend on him anymore..it's bocme a drag..everytime we see each other he's got some bone of contention to pick with me...so..the next time he's got something that pisses him off about me..ill just tell him..he obviously needs someone with alot more time on their hands to take care of all his needs and who has no aspirations of her own. cuz obviusjy he doesn't respect my dreams

[JoL]

hmm it sounds like he WANTS to spend more time with you, but the way he is going about expressing this desire IS unreasonable. would you want to spend more time with him, say one more day a week doing something you BOTH enjoy, if it wasnt just clubbing/partying which you dont like to do? perhaps putting aside one day of each week to hang out together and have lunch or dinner, see a movie, watch dvds, go do something fun? you dont have to partake in his party lifestyle, he should respect your wishes to study and do schoolwork.

 

But putting time aside for him is important too, as long as you BOTH get to decide how you spend that time.

If he insists on you cutting back school time whenever he wants you to go drinking, that is unreasonable.

 

im also studying at university, and sometimes i will need to spend extra time doing assignments etc, unfortunately, boyfriends sometimes have to realise that deadlines and exams are higher on our agenda for some weeks than seeing them- it doesnt make them less important, just that deadlines cant wait or be politely asked if we can see eachother tomorrow...!

[Scarlett_girl]

see..if it was just that he wanted to spend more time with me..it would be one thing.. but..when we are together..we don't talk to each other! the thing that I find wierd is that ever since we started dating..we've ALWAYS only seen each other once a week! it always worked fine..but now..all of a sudden..it's a problem?? when for the past 3 weeks..HE"S THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN TOO busy or tired to see me?!?! I think this has more to do with the fact that all of his friends are newly single..they wanna go out have fun..he's also been hanging out with a crowd that doesn't care about school and now he doesn't even want to go to universty anymore..so we are changing and moving apart..his priorities are totally different form mine and that woudl be ok but he puts down my priorities and that's what bothers me..i don't like to be controlled

oh and get this.. I've always known he was a jealous guy(he gets mad when i hang out with guy friends and the like) but last night I saw my male cousin and hugged him..and my bf said to me "you hug your cousin better than you hug me"..i could not believe him..he's jealous of my cousin now?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! how sick!

I think he's just got a problem with our relationship..but either doesn't want to admit that there is a problem or he doesn't know how to get out of it and is blaming me for everything... what do you think?