He kept telling me I was the one, then left

[scnyc]

Last October, after a few months of being single, I felt that I was ready to date. I met someone online. I'll call him Steve. He was exactly the kind of person I wanted; secure, stable income, ready for a long-term relationship. Steve messaged me a year prior, and by chance happened to be single when I messaged him back a year later. We exchanged numbers and texted for a week before our first date. The first date was the best first date I'd ever been on. He was open and receptive, would touch my hand when speaking to me, and even kissed me goodnight (I'd always dominated in my relationships; it was nice to be submissive one that night). Steve told me he doesn't really go out drinking anymore and he's looking for someone to settle down with. I have a chronic health condition and Steve says it's no problem. He can handle it because he works in the health industry and it's no big deal.

 

Our first month was intense. Lots of very romantic dates. Lots of incredible sex. At the time he was an EMT and I was underemployed. We live in NYC, and Hurricane Sandy devastated our community, After the hurricane he took some time off to mentally recover from some horrific things he'd seen while on the job during the storm. We spent A LOT of time together. We said "I love you" very early on. Flash forward a month. Steve isn't happy I've remained friends with a few exes. We fought about it, broke up and got back together (all in the same night), went to therapy, and I stopped talking to these people as a compromise. I learned that his last girlfriend kept in contact with exes which made Steve quite unsure of the relationship. She was mentally and physically abusive and he didn't want any of that again (later I learned he exaggerated how long they were together for. First 9 months, then it was really 5. In that short time they even lived together for two months. He broke up with her in the car while they were on the way to a trip to PA). We got past it.

 

Steve's parents are divorced. His dad is a terrible person and left when Steve was 15. Negative, physically and emotionally abusive. They have no relationship. He is very close with his mom. She's gay and her girlfriend was around a lot. They were never nice to me. They never accepted me. Steve has a long history of very short relationships. 2-5 months max. Steve's best friend is a woman. She does not like me. Never gives me a chance and is very close with Steve's mom. His guy friends are nice, but on several occasions when they went out drinking, I was kind of a kill joy because I don't drink and I felt left out. I didn't make a scene of it, I just kind of sat there.

 

Steve found out in January he got into the NYC fire academy. This is a HUGE deal. For the next 4.5 months, we would have limited contact during the week because of his grueling schedule. I fully supported him. Cleaned out his lunchbox, helped make dinner, helped him study. Everything I could do to help.

One day, he said one of his friends told him he saw me speaking to another man, and accused me of possibly cheating. This of course, was not true. I stood my ground with him and told him how supportive and loving I'd been and how could I possibly hurt him. So Steve starts to cry (something he NEVER does) and broke down and told me how much he loved me.

 

Days later, Steve broke up with me, again. He said I'm too sad around his friends. I keep calling him when he goes out. I was very depressed from not really working/the switch from seeing him all the time to only a couple hours during the week. Steve was stressed from work. We took a few days off, and we got back together. I stopped bothering him when he went out with his friends. Steve graduated in May and again had cold feet. This time I put my foot down. I told him that I'm a good girlfriend. I do everything to support him. He realized he didn't want to lose me. We worked it out.

 

Since May we've had good and bad times. He constantly showered me with affection, adoration. Constantly told me I'm the love of his life and that he's sees such a bright future for us. That he'll always be there. He decided it was time to go away. Tells me his friend has a house in upstate NY and that two other couples are going. We get there and it's us, two other firefighters, and these two cops they're trying to hook up with. It was a frat party. I enjoyed the first day. That evening we sat under the stars. He told me how much he loves me. How perfect I am. An hour later I hear his friend having sex with one of the girls at the house. I remarked on how if made me uncomfortable and that I thought it was kind of rude. I walked away because I started having a panic attack. Steve says he tried to console me but he pressured me to rejoin the group. He told me I was being incredibly judgmental and that my behavior is unacceptable (mind you, he knows I have terrible anxiety - and he does too). He then drops his ecigarette into the pitch black backyard and screams and yells at me for "being an *******" to his friends. Then tells his friend that I'm an *******. I cry and tell him how verbally abusive that is. He apologized and we make up. That night we sleep on a couch. Not romantic. He's drunk, beds are all taken. I'm panicking. Skeeved out and worried. He's passing out on the couch, and I am wide awake for hours.

 

The next day was horrific. I was in pain (I have chronic pain and the stress and the couch were awful) and upset. Instead of consoling me I was the bad guy for running everyone's time. I was being a "bitch" to his friends. I apologized for bring crabby. Ride back was a nightmare. We fought until there was silence.

 

Two days later, we made up and apologized. Next two weeks he kept saying his I love you and I'll always be there. He took me to his fire house to introduce me to some of his new coworkers. He was so excited to show me the truck and the engine. The drinking escalates to a couple of nights a week. Drinking is big in the fire department. I knew there would be many social events, but now it's getting to be crazy. Steve is stressed from his intense work schedule. He's constantly working 24-hour ****s, back to back. Naturally, I'm worried because his job is quite dangerous. I kept asking him to consider therapy (he was going in the beginning of the relationship and it was helping his anxiety and stress), but there was always an excuse why he couldn't go (his therapist was located right around the block from his house and many of his clients are also firefighters with crazy schedules).

 

The last day we were together he woke up, hung over, at 3pm. We were supposed to go to lunch and it really upset me that drinking was prioritized over this. Steve was angry at me for being upset. We go out on a fun date that night. Then he abruptly asks to go on a break. We had very limited contact so that we could "stay together." A week later he broke up with me because "Of course I miss you and all. We spent so much great time together. And you're beautiful. And you loved me so hard. Idk how things got so ****ed up, but I feel like its gone. I lack the feelings to continue." It was so easy for him to do. He held me, kissed me, and then left. Hardly any emotion.

 

We've spoken since, but I decided to go NC as of a few days ago. We fell asleep on the phone together a week ago. We had a productive talk. Out severe lack of communication brought us here. He keeps saying maybe one day we will get back together. Then he'll say maybe not. I just get this feeling that between our relationship stress and the stress of his new fire house, he's stretched to the limit. How could he profess such love one day, then end it? I'm so hurt.

 

All I can think of is his last ex girlfriend constantly contacting him in the beginning of our relationship. In just a couple of months he lived with her to professing his love for me. My biggest fear is that in a month I will see him out with some new girl. We live in a small town in NYC where everyone knows everyone.

 

I feel whiplashed. I knew a couple of weeks before he broke up with me that things weren't great, but his constant vocalization of love; his reaching for me to to cuddle and to come close assured me that we'd work it out. Instead he decided to leave. I'm devastated. I feel horrible. I simply can't make sense of any of this.

 

I'd also like to add that whenever we argued, HE raised his voice. HE would insult me, name call, and bring up my illnesses to put me down. I've been called a selfish c*nt in anger, a brat, a b*itch, etc. He would put down my interests, my friends interests (most of my friends are some kind of artists/professors/educators). My best friend is a "c*nt." Her boyfriend is "p*ssy."

 

He was in love with his reflection. Constantly working out and showing off his body. Would then wallow in self pity and say how "fat" and unattractive he is to how "handsome" and "sexy" he is.

Edited August 11, 2013 by scnyc
Forgot information

[TaraMaiden]

TL; DR.

 

All I saw was the last line.

 

Anyone that verbally abusive doesn't deserve to see the light of day.

 

Go No Contact, stay No Contact, never answer him again, never talk to him again, and be sure to read the no Contact Guide (link in my signature) because your only hope of coming out of this with a shred of dignity is to kick the bast.ard to the kerb.

 

RIGHT NOW.

[Heysimon]

Hi, first off just telling your story and getting support is great therapy!! I would just have to say that any man who flings around the C word so easily is a man you should be running away from and I am a heterosexual male!! Right now you are wondering if he is thinking about you and what not, the answer is YES on some level you are in his mind , either conscious or subconscious. He may be out having fun but somewhere in his head is a full section of you that he will eventually have to process but on his own schedule. Be calm be patient move forward dont contact or look for him in any form.. fastest way to work past him is to think of every single thing you did as a couple go face all the places you went to or things you did, bring up all those subconscious memories and moments and cry your eyes out cry til your clothes are wet and your tear ducts are raw.... doing this will help with the random memories that will pop up and help you keep control. Breaking up is hard to do , they actually have a song with that name.... look forward to the day you can laugh about this and soon enough you will, if he does come back he will no longer have the power or control he once had over your emotions and you will have a clearer picture of whether you really want to be with a man that flings the C word around soooo easily... the sun will shine again!!!

[Virgil876]

... this sounds like a daytime soap opera/drama or whatever it is called...

 

I think you two are better separated.

[scnyc]

TL; DR.

 

All I saw was the last line.

 

Anyone that verbally abusive doesn't deserve to see the light of day.

 

Go No Contact, stay No Contact, never answer him again, never talk to him again, and be sure to read the no Contact Guide (link in my signature) because your only hope of coming out of this with a shred of dignity is to kick the bast.ard to the kerb.

 

RIGHT NOW.

 

Why does it feel impossible to move past this? 90% of the relationship was great with this horrible nonsense sprinkled in between. I feel empty and hollow and lost.

[D-Lish]

I read the post in its entirety.

 

You guys aren't compatible- AT ALL. You're two different people that have some strong chemistry, but totally different views on life.

 

Chemistry can only take you so far. You guys seem to view life differently- and that's not likely to change, nor should it be a requirement of one another.

[Adele0908]

Break ups suck and getting dumped can be humiliating. I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately pain cannot be avoided as long as you are alive. But joy is on the other side so don't worry, things will work out for you.

 

As for your situation, I would say next time, be more mysterious, playful and confident. I don't know what your work situation is but try to get busier. Too much idle time leads to an overactive mind. An overactive mind plays tricks on you. It creates problems and stresses you out unnecessarily.

 

And next time, try to give your man more space to miss you. Don't play the wife role before you're the wife. Remember that dating is just when you are getting to know someone. Don't put too much stock into dating. Have fun with it. Stay active and hang out with your friends. If he is making too many demands on you and accusing you of cheating, stand your ground. Never let a man insult you, even in anger, no matter what he is going through. If he vents, stay calm, but if he insults you, correct him!. If he calls you a name, correct him immediately. Be ready to walk out the door if you are mistreated. Think of yourself as a queen and you will be treated like a queen. But if you think of yourself as a servant or lower than him, he will treat you that way! And consider counseling or therapy for your anxiety and panic attacks. Try not to point fingers and blame your partner or tell them what to do or give unsolicited advice.

 

Basically, see it as a learning experience, grow from it and everything will work out for you.

[TaraMaiden]

Why does it feel impossible to move past this? 90% of the relationship was great with this horrible nonsense sprinkled in between. I feel empty and hollow and lost.

 

It may FEEL impossible, but it isn't.

 

Focus on the misery you feel. 90% of the relationship was NOT great.

The whole relationship sucks because it's tarnished by his behaviour.

It's a farce, a false reality you're latching on to.

You want the good bits to outweigh the bad, but they don't.

 

This 'horrible nonsense' is WHO HE IS.

 

And please believe me when I tell you, establish yourself in a long-term relationship with this guy, and these horrible nonsense' moments will get longer and longer, and the 'great' bits will diminish, fade and disappear.

 

Abuse is a creepy thing: You don't realise how overwhelming it is, until one day you're at the bottom of a deep, foetid, rotten stinking well, and daylight is a thousand miles up.

 

And you have to crawl your way to the top, unaided.

 

leave now.

You're at the edge.

Don't for chrissakes, fall in.

[aussietigerwolf]

you'll also be glad that you've dodged a bullet.

[Emilia]

I've read a lot of instability and dysfunction, people aren't supposed to relate to each other this way. The two of you are not compatible and bring out the worst in each other, you both seem emotionally unstable.

[scnyc]

NEVER have I been so submissive in a relationship. I knew from the first date that this person was different than all the rest. I chalked it up to charm and charisma. It wasn't until later on in the relationship when the verbal abuse started that I realized it was about power and control. Look at his job, look at his actions.

 

The thing is, I DID put him in his place. I DID tell him that it was wrong to raise his voice to me, it was wrong to judge my friends (because, lord knows I was a terrible person for judging his friends. Anyway, who am I to judge?).

 

When I first met him, I had a steady job, and a head on my shoulders. I felt together enough to start a serious relationship. He jolted me.

[scnyc]

I couldn't read that entire novel and had to skip to the end. You both have serious issues and drama which make my head bleed, but it's quite clear the guy verbally abused you and disrespected you a number of times.

 

How do you 'get over' an emotionally and socially stunted, abusive little bully? I would think pretty quickly, once you get your self-respect back.

 

I don't think anything about this will be quick. You make it sound so simple.

[revitup]

Just think of how "great" it will be when you marry him and can't get out.

 

Run dear,run!

 

It does not matter what you see in this guy,you will never overcome his bad behavior,never.You may be feeling a little insecure due to your medical condition but you are not that condition.Don't feel like you must put up with a man just because of a flaw in your health.There are many good men out here who are willing to take you as you are and love you for no other reason than to just love you.

 

REVITUP

[TaraMaiden]

I don't think anything about this will be quick. You make it sound so simple.

 

It's extremely simple.

 

However, do not confuse 'simple' with 'easy'.

 

You 'Simply' go No contact, cut him out of your life and determine that you are NOT going to end up being ANYBODY'S doormat, no sir, phukk right off.

 

Easy?

No.

 

You have to ditch the habit, the obsession, and the 'addiction' to the attention he gives you, when it's 'great'.

 

Withdrawal from a toxic and dysfunctional relationship is like weaning yourself off a noxious drug...

 

It's going Cold-turkey, for the heart.

 

It's not easy, granted.

but the simple matter is, that once you start doing it, you will gradually wean yourself off the desire to have anything further to do with him.

[scnyc]

It's extremely simple.

 

However, do not confuse 'simple' with 'easy'.

 

You 'Simply' go No contact, cut him out of your life and determine that you are NOT going to end up being ANYBODY'S doormat, no sir, phukk right off.

 

Easy?

No.

 

You have to ditch the habit, the obsession, and the 'addiction' to the attention he gives you, when it's 'great'.

 

Withdrawal from a toxic and dysfunctional relationship is like weaning yourself off a noxious drug...

 

It's going Cold-turkey, for the heart.

 

It's not easy, granted.

but the simple matter is, that once you start doing it, you will gradually wean yourself off the desire to have anything further to do with him.

 

You are SO spot on about it feeling like a withdrawal. Today, all I can seem to ruminate on is the sex. Of all the partners I've had, the sex with him was next-level out of this world. I keep thinking ill never be pleased in such a way ever again. The detail he paid to my every need, the touch of his skin ..it's maddening!

 

I've been focussing on all the terrible stuff. The bullying, the control. But in the bedroom it was always romance. And I'm missing it so terribly.

[scnyc]

Just think of how "great" it will be when you marry him and can't get out.

 

Run dear,run!

 

It does not matter what you see in this guy,you will never overcome his bad behavior,never.You may be feeling a little insecure due to your medical condition but you are not that condition.Don't feel like you must put up with a man just because of a flaw in your health.There are many good men out here who are willing to take you as you are and love you for no other reason than to just love you.

 

REVITUP

 

 

Over and over he would tell me how much he loved me and how he would always be there. Even at the very end. He'd send pictures of us to me as if to prove his love. I feel so silly for believing this. Who knows. Maybe he did really love me but was too damaged to embrace it.