EmotionalGrow Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Have been lurking for weeks, post-BU. So much insight and validation gleaned. Thank you all for sharing, and being vulnerable. It's nice to know we have each other as we heal. I'm six weeks out of an eleven month relationship. She's 29. I'm 35. We met shortly after having both come out of LTRs, and I was extremely emotionally unavailable to her the whole time we were together, with little glimmers of my softer side – leading her to stick it out for as long as she did. She cared for me a great deal and clearly hoped for more. She was patient and gracious and nurturing, but in the end, gave-up. I don't fault her for it and in a sense am proud of her for standing up for herself and walking away. And then, my hurt set in. After she told me she was going to start seeing other people, but wanted to continue seeing me to see if things got better, I panicked and tried to go into "super-boyfriend mode", which of course rang false to her. I pushed, I prodded, I pleaded, I promised change. She became more distant and less responsive, but stayed in contact with me; talking of wanting to still be "friends" with the occasional mixed message coming my way, which of course, I latched on to and blinded myself to all the other truths and clear signs she was laying. After five weeks of the aforementioned, I spotted her on a date with her new fella (she had been texting me mixed messages that night about meeting up – while she was still on this date). Finally, the following morning, with a relative sense of clarity, I instituted NC (deleted # / unfriend on social), stating what she was doing wasn't fair to me or the new guy and we both needed time and space to heal, and we should cease contact. Her response: a simple, yet slightly dismissive: "ok." On the one-week mark (day 7) of NC, I had begun to come to terms with the fact that I may not hear from her again, and felt an odd serenity in that, like I can accept it and start moving on. And, as the universe would have it, fifteen minutes later her number appears on my phone. The text said: "week 1 – done" Four days later, after not having responded to her, I find myself still wondering its intended meaning, or rather, her motivation. Was its tone snarky? Was she cruelly throwing it in my face? Clearly she's counting the days too. Maybe it was a whim with no actual meaning. The text clearly wasn't asking for any kind of response, just matter-of-fact. But, why send it at all? I ultimately know trying to analyze her intention or motivation behind sending the text changes nothing for me. The fact remains, she's chosen to be with this new guy and not with me. I get that. That said, I'd love to hear any interpretations you may have, just so I can get out of my own head about it. Unbiased, experienced opinions are better than the war waging between my emotional heart and rational brain. Oh, how I wish these two vital organs could just work together in tandem for once. All that aside, I believe I'm on a good and healthy path. Back in therapy and doing a lot of soul-searching and learning about the root of the emotional unavailability I gave her, and am doing the work to ensure I don't repeat this pattern in the future. I miss her and carry a lot of regret for not letting her in and exploring what we could have been, but I'm taking this regret and pain as an opportunity to learn and grow and be a better man for the next worthy woman. I won't break NC and am staying the course. Thanks for reading.
Charym88 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Reading your story gave me hope that it is still possible for someone to miss you, but still not talk to you while deleting numbers and blocking on social media. I thought it meant he hated me. Your story has also given me validation that while he was here with me, he was emotionally unavailable to me because of his situation with his child's mother. Also, if she contacted you to try something, would you give her the option to or just keep a distance from her all together?
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Your very best bet is to contact your service provider and ask them to change your number by one digit. (Don't protest or say you can't - you can. I had to completely change my phone number TWICE and I used my phone for business, too. It's really not difficult. Alternatively, if you really cannot bring yourself to do that, install an app that blocks calls/texts. I have one. It's brilliant. Either way, you'll never have to figure her out, why she's texted what she's texted, again. Sorted. Good thing with moving on. Keep on truckin'!!
Author EmotionalGrow Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) Reading your story gave me hope that it is still possible for someone to miss you, but still not talk to you while deleting numbers and blocking on social media. I thought it meant he hated me. Your story has also given me validation that while he was here with me, he was emotionally unavailable to me because of his situation with his child's mother. Also, if she contacted you to try something, would you give her the option to or just keep a distance from her all together? Happy you found some value in my story. I've come to learn that's what we're all here for: value, validation and understanding. I take it you're the dumper in your situation? As for your question: would I take her back? It really depends on so many factors: First and foremost, am I ready? Like, really ready? I've just started my journey to identifying why I behaved the way I did with her. I have a lot of questions to answer for me, and me alone, first. If we got back together tomorrow I'm certain I'd quickly get back into the comfort zone and routine. No progress would be made and I'd be back here in a few weeks, lamenting. Secondly would be her willingness for a genuine desire to forgive me. Unless she's willing to forgive my past behavior, there's no healthy way for us to move forward. It'd be a constant source of anger and resentment and it'd lead to insecurity and infighting. Lastly I would have to ask myself if I'd be able to not obsess over what had transpired between her and my sudden replacement. Would I be able to forgive her for making that choice in her own healing process? Would it eat away at me? Would I resent her for it? Right now, I don't know. That said, I still care for her very much. I miss here every moment of every day, and every moment of every sleepless night. I love the idea of having an opportunity for us to give it a real go, because we never truly did. I would love to know if we could succeed if all the above factors were addressed and we tried again in a mature and healthy way – with a shared sense of mutual clarity, purpose and desire. But I'm also realistic. This whole thing is a journey with a destination unknown. We're on two divergent paths right now and time and circumstance will lead us where it may. I'll just focus on doing the best I can while on my path and hope she does the best she can while on hers. Neither one of us can expect anything more from the other right now. Edited August 11, 2013 by EmotionalGrow
Author EmotionalGrow Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Your very best bet is to contact your service provider and ask them to change your number by one digit. (Don't protest or say you can't - you can. I had to completely change my phone number TWICE and I used my phone for business, too. It's really not difficult. Alternatively, if you really cannot bring yourself to do that, install an app that blocks calls/texts. I have one. It's brilliant. Either way, you'll never have to figure her out, why she's texted what she's texted, again. Sorted. Good thing with moving on. Keep on truckin'!! Tara, I really appreciate the response. I don't want to brazenly overcompensate for what was a minor hiccup on her part in the early days of our mutual healing processes. Should the contact continue and start to hinder my progress or weaken my resolve, I will take your advice into serious consideration.
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Tara, I really appreciate the response. I don't want to brazenly overcompensate for what was a minor hiccup on her part in the early days of our mutual healing processes. Should the contact continue and start to hinder my progress or weaken my resolve, I will take your advice into serious consideration. No, quite frankly, you need to go No Contact. It's the only way you can truly get to grips with "what ails you about you" without the unnecessary and added distraction of her yanking your chain now and then. besides... she's being 'road-tested' by other 'drivers'. you can't turn the mileage back, and frankly, I wouldn't want a car that a stranger's been in and floored pedal to the metal....I'd like my car exactly as I left it, not with a new dipstick and an oil-change.... You really don't even need to entertain the thought of a second chance if what she's been doing is playing the field.... And this....? she was going to start seeing other people, but wanted to continue seeing me to see if things got better Don't hang around as a possible option when you should to all intents and purposes be a priority. She's telling you that she's shifting you to the back-burner..... Ugh, puh-leeeese!!
Author EmotionalGrow Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Tara, Ha. Yes. You gave me a laugh. I love metaphors. See my above response to Charym88, I think you'll see my head is in the right place.
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Yah, did read it. My advice still stands. In fact I wrote it on that basis... NC is vital in order to accelerate your healing process and to get your head sorted. Content distraction is going to sway you one way and another. You really do need to focus, and the last thing you need is the constant fly buzzing round your head.... you need to be left alone with your 'project' in order to complete it.
Author EmotionalGrow Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) Thank you, and understood. In the end I'm not bitter, just hurt. I'll continue to do my work and monitor my self, and make decisions based on what's actually happening. In truth, this may very well have been the end of her attempts, in which case, going through the process of altering a phone number I've had for 12 years with thousands of contacts would have just added more work and professional stress than it was worth. Not to mention costs to business cards and assorted professional collateral. I'm a very rational man and know my limits. I understand the concept of what's happening with both of us. I've been on both sides of this equation. If it becomes a necessary step, I won't hesitate. In a sense, I'm not going through the process of changing my number for ME. Doing so would almost give her a power over me that I don't quite see the value in. . . yet. Update: I'll look into number blocking apps. Edited August 11, 2013 by EmotionalGrow
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