Deep in the Friendzone

[Simon Phoenix]

You should have acted instead of discussing your feelings with her. It would have been better if you had told her that you wanted her, grabbed her and kissed her on the dance floor. Her level of interest had dropped, but very often a change of behavior is enough to re-kindle the previous interest. The problem is, when you start drilling for answers and explanations.

 

A guy I found interesting asked me a while ago why I wanted to meet him. I'm not the kind of person who likes to make confessions so early on. I prefer that we have a good time together. I told him that I was bored and that's why I wanted to meet him.

 

Yes, I should have, but her interest was gone by then. I don't think making a move would have done anything in that situation -- dishes were done by then -- but making a move way beforehand would have been hitting 21 on a double down in blackjack. The window was completely shut by the point I did do something, even though what I did was relatively beta.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[PlumPrincess]

Yes, I should have, but her interest was gone by then. I don't think making a move would have done anything in that situation -- dishes were done by then -- but making a move way beforehand would have been hitting on a doubledown. The window was completely shut by the point I did do something, even though what I did was relatively beta.

Your problem, in general, is probably that whenever someone suggests to you to do something now, you will always say that you should have done this and that earlier. Then time moves on and you realize that you could have done something at that moment, but you didn't. You're always looking back thinking you could have done this and that, because you're not doing anything now.

[Simon Phoenix]

Your problem, in general, is probably that whenever someone suggests to you to do something now, you will always say that you should have done this and that earlier. Then time moves on and you realize that you could have done something at that moment, but you didn't. You're always looking back thinking you could have done this and that, because you're not doing anything now.

 

What are you talking about? That happened several years ago. I haven't been in a similar situation since, mostly due to what I learned in the one I described.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[NailBiter]

I'm at work and don't have time to read/respond to everything but ill clear up a couple things.

 

I'm not as desperately in the friedzone as my op may have suggested. I have gone out with other girls during this time. I'm not some high school virgin following around a cute girl like a puppy. I didn't even realize I had feelings for this girl until we went on a picnic in my ex's neighbourhood a month ago. We had already been friends for a few months at that point. Also, I genuinely enjoy spending time with this girl, even if its only a friends. My feelings are very mixed so I deferred to my logic which says just to stay friends until we aren't working together anymore. Then if I still have feeling for her I can make a move without having to deal with seeing her 3+ times a day without a choice.

 

 

Ill give this some more attention tomorrow when I have some time. Thanks for the discussion everyone.

[Lei Ping]

I'm at work and don't have time to read/respond to everything but ill clear up a couple things.

 

I'm not as desperately in the friedzone as my op may have suggested. I have gone out with other girls during this time. I'm not some high school virgin following around a cute girl like a puppy. I didn't even realize I had feelings for this girl until we went on a picnic in my ex's neighbourhood a month ago. We had already been friends for a few months at that point. Also, I genuinely enjoy spending time with this girl, even if its only a friends. My feelings are very mixed so I deferred to my logic which says just to stay friends until we aren't working together anymore. Then if I still have feeling for her I can make a move without having to deal with seeing her 3+ times a day without a choice.

 

 

Ill give this some more attention tomorrow when I have some time. Thanks for the discussion everyone.

 

Good. You have a friend who happens to be a Woman. Of course you have feelings for her, the bond of friendship is growing. Appreciate it, nurture it, protect it because a true friend is a treasure.

 

If the sexual tension is causing you problems you should definitely talk to her, not us about it. Be honest with her....completely. There's a good chance that she may have similar feelings. You are a Man and she is a Woman and these things happen but always put the friendship 1st.

[NailBiter]

I don't know what some of you guys are seeing that I'm not.

 

Did you not read she calls him a girl? Invites him to girls night? Texts other men in front of him? Do you people honestly see this being turned around? Why are you giving him false hopes? He doesn't have a 0% chance, but it's as close as you can get to a 0.

 

OP do yourself a favor and please move on. Be a man. This girl isn't trying to make you jealous. She doesn't respect you as a man. She "sneaks back in" when she wants an ego boost that you continue to give her. Even if there was some sort of chance for this to work, the amount of effort you would have to make on something that is not even a guarantee is pointless.

 

When women like you romantically, you know it. You should not have to go around proving to others that you're dating material. Either they see you in a sexual frame or they don't, and this girl doesn't.

 

I would cut all ties with her immediately and never let this happen to you again.

 

And don't ever "friendzone" a chick. Our friendzones and theirs are different. We may see it as a place holder until we're ready to sleep with them but they don't see it that way. Either you take the opportunity to hook up with them when given the chance, or you don't.

 

 

First I'm going to defend myself again because I feel like I have my back up against the wall from reading that.

 

I know I missed the original window back in April. It was a conscience choice that I made due to my job situation, timing, trust issues, depression, etc etc... It wasn't made in a lame attempt to hook up with her at a later date. There were several times were I could have snowballed one of our conversations into a do or die pitch. I wasn't looking for a random hook up with this girl. The risk far out weighed the reward at the time. I was talking to her 2-3 times most days, and always seeing her since she works on my office floor. I didn't plan or expect to befriend her as much as I have. It just happened. This thread isn't meant as a "help me have sex with my female friend" topic. I was just trying to get my thoughts in order and see what the great people of the interweb had to say.

 

Lots of very true blunt advice there. I appreciate it.

[NailBiter]

Good. You have a friend who happens to be a Woman. Of course you have feelings for her, the bond of friendship is growing. Appreciate it, nurture it, protect it because a true friend is a treasure.

 

If the sexual tension is causing you problems you should definitely talk to her, not us about it. Be honest with her....completely. There's a good chance that she may have similar feelings. You are a Man and she is a Woman and these things happen but always put the friendship 1st.

 

I kept this in mind when I invited her to use an extra ticket I had to a ball game with me and a couple of my friends yesterday. We only had 30~ minutes of alone time all night so I knew it was a risk free way to feel her out before deciding which punch to throw the next time I'm in the ring. A few highlights that apply to this thread:

 

- She showed up in a good mood and after a little small talk she mentioned how she thought that the 'other guy' was annoyed with her because she rescheduled going out to a movie with him to come to the game with me and my friends. I responded by giving her a death stare and asking her why she brought that up. She laughed and pulled out the friend card again. I asked her if she was seriously dating him now and she simply shook her head and said no. I told her I don't want to hear about her boy problems and we lightened the mood and changed the topic. At this point I don't really care if she sees this guy when I'm not around. She's probably out with him right now doing a make up for canceling on him yesterday. It doesn't bother me.

 

- I gave her hell for checking her phone during the national anthem. She proceeded to check her phone and text (mostly with 'other guy') 5-6 times during breaks in the game. This is something that just annoys me in general. My feelings for her are going to go away pretty fast if she doesn't start listening when I say I don't want to hang out with people that text constantly.

 

- As we walked to the subway together she said "that's why you won't date me, you think I'm too bossy and you don't put up it" That was in response to a joke about how she always naturally drifts half a step ahead of me as we walk. About how it's a sub conscience power trip and how she can't get away with stuff like that with me. I didn't push the topic except to say that girls I date never have to worry about asking for too much or taking advantage of me.

 

- We texted some more later that night and I asked her if she wanted to check a couple activities off our bucket list that we've been talking about for months by doing a lunch-tennis-drinks-dinner-movie Saturday date day/night. She said she had to "check her schedule but it's a definite posisiblity!"...which means she has no concrete plans but she wants to see if she has any other better options. Meh. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Neither of us directly brought it up in conversation today. I probably won't bring it up until tomorrow so I can say I gave her a full day to figure her **** out.

 

 

So I do not think I'm the only one feeling the friend zone now. There may be another window opening after we stop working together depending on our ever changing mind sets. Meh. The more I think about it the more I realize that it's not that big of a deal and I'll get over it pretty quickly however it turns out.

Edited August 15, 2013 by NailBiter

[PlumPrincess]

"that's why you won't date me, you think I'm too bossy and you don't put up it"

If I had put a guy in the friendzone and wanted him to be my platonic pal, I wouldn't say stuff like that. I would avoid talking about us in a romantic way or as a potential couple, because that only puts crazy ideas in their head. I do not want them to imagine us being together. And her comment is also sort of like a reproach. She wants you to say, "Yes, I'm the boss" and then to kiss her, because you don't take her sh*t and you're a man who does what he wants.

 

If you stopped posting here asking for advice and acted like a man who wants her and not like one of her girl friends, you might be dating her now.

 

If someone is not making a move and I still like him, it's not bad, but if that guy over a longer period of time doesn't manage to make a decision and become active, that's a big turn-off. Most people want someone who is decisive and who gives them the feeling of being wanted.

[iKING]

What if I told you..

 

I have probably 1000 of these memes lined up, we can do this all day.

[PlumPrincess]

If you want her, you go for it. And if you don't because of all the potential (!) hurdles and uncertainties, then obviously you don't want her enough.

[NailBiter]

Lol I love that meme. It's true, I have friendzoned myself. We're only working together for another week. If I see another opening ill say "**** it!" and go for it.

[Lilywhite]

Omg, after I read your rant, I just have to reply because I am in the same situation. Except I am playing the exact same part as your girl and my deep in the friendzone guy friend reacts the exact same way as you did. After reading your true feeling, I can understand why my guy friend acted the way he did. His thought process is just like yours. And I acted just like your friend did.

 

I tried to provoke him to tell me he wants to be more than friend by going out with other guys. He acted cool but objected it.

 

I have no doubt your friend wants you to be more than a friend. You have to step out of your comfort zone and just confess to her and be able to commit to a relationship with her. If you are afraid of having a relationship with her, then don't bother. Keep yourself in the friend zone. But if you love her, please let go and go after her ass! Good luck!

[PlumPrincess]

Omg, after I read your rant, I just have to reply because I am in the same situation. Except I am playing the exact same part as your girl and my deep in the friendzone guy friend reacts the exact same way as you did. After reading your true feeling, I can understand why my guy friend acted the way he did. His thought process is just like yours. And I acted just like your friend did.

 

I tried to provoke him to tell me he wants to be more than friend by going out with other guys. He acted cool but objected it.

 

I have no doubt your friend wants you to be more than a friend. You have to step out of your comfort zone and just confess to her and be able to commit to a relationship with her. If you are afraid of having a relationship with her, then don't bother. Keep yourself in the friend zone. But if you love her, please let go and go after her ass! Good luck!

Simon, what did I tell you?

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, what did I tell you?

 

You were trying to critique me for something I did several years ago that I learned from and don't really care about anymore. So I stopped reading.

[PlumPrincess]

You were trying to critique me for something I did several years ago that I learned from and don't really care about anymore. So I stopped reading.

No, you said, he had lost his chance and I told you, he was still in the race, although who knows for how long.

[Simon Phoenix]

No, you said, he had lost his chance and I told you, he was still in the race, although who knows for how long.

 

I still think his dishes are done, but whatever.