flipflops36 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months now. We have an awesome relationship! So natural and easy and perfect. We have talked about the future and marriage, etc. I know for a fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is not yet where I am emotionally, but much of that has to do with the fact that he has been divorced twice and the circumstances surrounding both of those weren't great. My need for advice though relates to the fact that he has 3 boys (ages 19, 16, and 14), and I have never dated anyone with kids before. Even though he technically only has them every other weekend and on Wed nights, it has been so hard. I am not used to the whole family life thing, nor am I used to having to share my time when I'm in a relationship. I never know for sure from week to week when I will see my BF, unless we have specific plans we have already made for a certain day or night. Something could come up with one of his boys, which I understand can and will happen. It's just so hard not knowing when I will see him and whether or not I should make my own plans or not. I don't get to see him as much as I want to because of all of his other responsibilities, and sometimes it just feels like torture. And now, I apparently am going to get to see him even less... Here's why. I have tried to forge relationships with all of his boys. I've been successful with the 19 year old, but not the other 2...and especially not the 16 year old. He has mostly been very standoffish with me and usually never even says hello or goodbye to me. He recently told his dad that he has nothing against me at all and that I've never done anything to him, but that he is just not emotionally ready for his dad to be in a relationship. (Their ex-stepmom walked out on them and never said one word to them, which I'm sure caused them each a lot of pain and has led to how they feel about me now.) I am not like their ex-stepmom at all though. I am loyal and 100% committed to all of them and especially their dad. Anyway, he told his dad that on the weekends that they are with him, that they don't want me around. I feel like that's so unfair. How will they ever get emotionally comfortable with me and the situation if I'm never around them? And what about me and their dad's relationship and us getting to spend time together? I try to be nice to the boys and take an interest in their lives. I took the 19 year old to dinner one night and we had a great time! Plus I got a chance to share my heart with him. I then tried to arrange something with the other 2, but I guess they aren't interested. So now I just don't get to see my BF every other Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. And we don't get to go to church together every other week now. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend's boys control his life a little too much. He has made himself available to them so many times, but they don't ever want to get together with him unless it's convenient for them. And now they are going to tell him that he can't spend time with his girlfriend every other weekend? My BF and I have talked about this several times of course. He wants to respect the fact that they aren't emotionally ready...at least for now. He hates it as much as I do and wants to see me more than we do now. I have believed all along that my BF was doing the best that he could when it came to spending time with me, but now things are changing. And I guess at what point does it stop? We can't just go out and get married because that would make things worse with his boys. My BF wants them to be a part of the wedding and wants them to enjoy it. My last relationship was one of major emotional abuse and I spent so much of my time in that relationship crying. I feel like I cry as much now in this relationship as I did in that one, but for very different reasons. I love my BF so much, more than I ever thought I could love anyone. And it just sucks that I can't see him when I want to. And I feel like disappointment is just the name of the game anymore... I know I'm probably being kind of selfish and I know I need to me more patient, but it seriously feels like torture sometimes. I finally find the man of my dreams and he has serious constraints on his time... I really am trying to see things from the kids' perspective. I have never lived through a divorce, either as a child or as an adult, and especially not TWO of them. I know that it is and should be a priority for my BF to spend time with his kids and I would never ask him not to. I'm sure it's a hard balancing act for my BF. I just want there to be times when he and I are with 1, 2, or 3 of his kids and we are all just hanging out, playing games, laughing, having fun... He and I have had a few of those times with the 14 year old and the 19 year old but not the 16 year old. I don't think he would go for it. I also want to make sure my BF and I have enough time to ourselves so we can continue to grow the relationship. My love language is quality time, and I sometimes feel like my love tank is empty... (See Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages) I feel like giving up on the 2 youngest boys and saying that I'm tired of being nice to them and trying to get to know them and build relationships with them. What's the point? And even though they are kids and I can't expect this of them, I wish they would at least try to put themselves in my shoes too. I guess I just need advice on how to handle this gracefully, how to deal with my BF's balancing act without getting depressed, how to be more patient, and how not to get disappointed/hurt so easily...
pyramid Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 How long has he been divorced from their mom? How old are you?
FitChick Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 OP, learn to make paragraphs and/or edit: She is dating a twice divorced man with three teen boys. He needs to see them every other weekend, as most divorced dads do. She has only been dating him for six months and expects them all to play happy families and doesn't understand why the younger teens don't like her, especially since their last stepmother abandoned the family. Now maybe you will get more opinions. 1
Author flipflops36 Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months now. We have an awesome relationship! So natural and easy and perfect. We have talked about the future and marriage, etc. I know for a fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is not yet where I am emotionally, but much of that has to do with the fact that he has been divorced twice and the circumstances surrounding both of those weren't great. My need for advice though relates to the fact that he has 3 boys (ages 19, 16, and 14), and I have never dated anyone with kids before. Even though he technically only has them every other weekend and on Wed nights, it has been so hard. I am not used to the whole family life thing, nor am I used to having to share my time when I'm in a relationship. I never know for sure from week to week when I will see my BF, unless we have specific plans we have already made for a certain day or night. Something could come up with one of his boys, which I understand can and will happen. It's just so hard not knowing when I will see him and whether or not I should make my own plans or not. I don't get to see him as much as I want to because of all of his other responsibilities, and sometimes it just feels like torture. And now, I apparently am going to get to see him even less... Here's why. I have tried to forge relationships with all of his boys. I've been successful with the 19 year old, but not the other 2...and especially not the 16 year old. He has mostly been very standoffish with me and usually never even says hello or goodbye to me. He recently told his dad that he has nothing against me at all and that I've never done anything to him, but that he is just not emotionally ready for his dad to be in a relationship. (Their ex-stepmom walked out on them and never said one word to them, which I'm sure caused them each a lot of pain and has led to how they feel about me now.) I am not like their ex-stepmom at all though. I am loyal and 100% committed to all of them and especially their dad. Anyway, he told his dad that on the weekends that they are with him, that they don't want me around. I feel like that's so unfair. How will they ever get emotionally comfortable with me and the situation if I'm never around them? And what about me and their dad's relationship and us getting to spend time together? I try to be nice to the boys and take an interest in their lives. I took the 19 year old to dinner one night and we had a great time! Plus I got a chance to share my heart with him. I then tried to arrange something with the other 2, but I guess they aren't interested. So now I just don't get to see my BF every other Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. And we don't get to go to church together every other week now. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend's boys control his life a little too much. He has made himself available to them so many times, but they don't ever want to get together with him unless it's convenient for them. And now they are going to tell him that he can't spend time with his girlfriend every other weekend? My BF and I have talked about this several times of course. He wants to respect the fact that they aren't emotionally ready...at least for now. He hates it as much as I do and wants to see me more than we do now. I have believed all along that my BF was doing the best that he could when it came to spending time with me, but now things are changing. And I guess at what point does it stop? We can't just go out and get married because that would make things worse with his boys. My BF wants them to be a part of the wedding and wants them to enjoy it. I love my BF so much, more than I ever thought I could love anyone. And it just sucks that I can't see him when I want to. And I feel like disappointment is just the name of the game anymore... I know I'm probably being kind of selfish and I know I need to me more patient, but it seriously feels like torture sometimes. I finally find the man of my dreams and he has serious constraints on his time... I really am trying to see things from the kids' perspective. I have never lived through a divorce, either as a child or as an adult, and especially not TWO of them. I know that it is and should be a priority for my BF to spend time with his kids and I would never ask him not to. I'm sure it's a hard balancing act for my BF. I just want there to be times when he and I are with 1, 2, or 3 of his kids and we are all just hanging out, playing games, laughing, having fun... He and I have had a few of those times with the 14 year old and the 19 year old but not the 16 year old. I don't think he would go for it. I also want to make sure my BF and I have enough time to ourselves so we can continue to grow the relationship. My love language is quality time, and I sometimes feel like my love tank is empty... (See Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages) I feel like giving up on the 2 youngest boys and saying that I'm tired of being nice to them and trying to get to know them and build relationships with them. What's the point? And even though they are kids and I can't expect this of them, I wish they would at least try to put themselves in my shoes too. I guess I just need advice on how to handle this gracefully, how to deal with my BF's balancing act without getting depressed, how to be more patient, and how not to get disappointed/hurt so easily...
Author flipflops36 Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 I'm sorry my original post was so hard to read. I re-posted it with paragraphs. One other note. I realize it's only been 6 months, and I suppose I'm just expecting too much from his kids at this point. I know they probably just need more time and maybe I've pushed a little too much. Maybe I just need to wait to see if they'll come to me...
It's Just Me Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Yes, give it time. This isn't about you, it's about the kids. Don't give up on them; just stop pushing. BTW, I think it's a tall order to ask a kid to put himself in your shoes after he's been emotionally traumatized by the last person who was in your role. You are dating a man who lives up to his responsibilities as a father and put his kids first. Celebrate that.
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