Torn at the crossroads

[sm4284]

Hey everyone this will be my very first post on this site and I just wanted some sort of guidance, critisism, or just someone who can understand my situation right now.

 

For the quick summary just scroll to the last paragraph and it will sum up my situation now but for the details please read on!

 

I have dated my girlfriend for 20 months now (1yr8mth) and have sort of had a rocky relationship. I had a really horrible relationship that ended several months before I met this girl that consited of lies, cheating, abuse, and all sorts of horrible things. I had basically lost my ability to trust anyone after that relationship because it had never happened to me.

 

After several months and several flings and non-serious relationships later I had met a girl who had worked at the same place that I did and we became really good friends. To me she was gorgeous, smart, witty, and fun to be around. It was easy for us to start a relationship but problems that my last serious relationship had stamped me with had already started plaguing my new serious relationship. I was a real control freak and was really jealous of anyone she talked to and was always suspicious regardless of the fact that she never gave me a reason for it. I would always snoop through her facebook and through her phone just so I could make sure that she wasnt doing anything behind my back.

 

As a result the relationship would always have this pattern of starting really good then getting worse and worse until it hit a point of breaking up and getting back together. This kept happening for the entire relationship. ( And by no means am I saying that it was all my fault or that she did nothing wrong but that the way I conducted myself was the reason we are at this point.)

 

After this time I have tried changing myself in countless ways but never commited or never attempted because we would start off really good after getting back together. Now after our last major argument was over me having recorded her during her lunch from work in order to make a small compilation video of her and us together. But when I watched the video I was startled to hear a mans voice in the background and I kept clipping and clipping until I had filled my head with anger and fear and all sorts of emotions. When I confronted her about it, she had said she was talking to her mom but I never saw that call in her phone so I assumed she was lying. ( and it would make me feel alot better if this is something that would be hard to believe as well if your significant other had told you this.)

 

We got into a heated argument until we hit that point to where she called her mom directly and proved it to me that she was telling the truth. I was shocked and felt ill to the stomach that I had let myself believe that she could cheat on me. Instead of talking it over I had to leave for work, and she had called her mother back to explain the situation. Her mother and her decided that it would be best for my gf to move out and start anew. I never realised this until two days later. She had seemed fine during those two days due to the fact that we spent time together and laughed. I had thought that we had let this go. After the second day I decided to adress a big issue that I had for both of us which I thought was important was communicating with eachother. I thought that if I just talked to her like a human being then I could adress alot of the issues that I had and to tell her that from now on I would do alot of things differently (trust, no snooping, better communication) but this time I would slow things down like crazy and just for us to have fun with eachother and friends.

 

But during the conversation I had finally heard that she was going to look for a place and leave. That she felt that this was probably the best time because she didnt want to be stuck or that she didnt want to return to the same old routine we had. After talking for a while in the car I had convinced her that during the time she would search for a place she would try and see if we could really be happy. The next day she told me she wanted to give me a surprise, that it was something that I deserved for a while. She wanted us to go to a place where I wanted to spend time together for the longest time but never did. After that she had other plans but I decided to finally make my case understood and took her to the place where we fell in love. She started crying and I felt like this would be able to show her that I still loved her like she loves me and we could give this one final try. that she wouldnt lose anything except for time. the only thing stopping her would be herself and I felt like that if she really loved me the way she did then she would stay. She stayed with me through alot worse so I thought that there was no way she would leave. After that she told me that all she wanted to do was to spend the day with me and only me. I had thought that I had done it and all I needed to do now was to stick to my promises regardless of how good we were. We went out and had fun and basically laughed the entire day.

 

After that I wanted to know that she was going to stay from her own words so I asked her if she had come to a decision and she said that she hasnt decided and that she was leaning towards getting the apartment still. I confronted her about my chances of her really staying and she didnt answer. I replied with are my chances really that low? and she didnt answer. When I kept asking her she finally said they were very low.

 

The next day I took her to get something to eat and confronting her about the situation for the last time. I made her choose that if my chances were really slim to none of her staying then the best thing for the both of us was for her to get her stuff and go. If my chances were good that she was going to stay then she could stay. She said she would stay and I made sure to tell her not to do it for any other reason than the fact that her chances of staying were good. I couldnt sit here and give her my really good side if she wasnt going to stay anyways. But the fact that she is still having to decide is killing me. I am stuck at the point of either letting her go myself so that I can start my life again and to get through this pain asap and get it over with, or keeping her here and showing her my good side and showing her that the changes that Im making are for myself and that I am just trying to make myself a better person. Today after work we sort of have a "date" where her and I are going to play video games and have fun chilling but while im posting this right now Im so torn as to what to do.

 

In summary: The 1yr8mth relationship with my girlfriend and I has been rocky at best due to past garbage staying with me from my past relationships. After a really heated argument and the fault of my insecurities I wrongly accused her of talking to another man behind my back when she was talking to her mother.( This was infact proven by her calling her mother and confirming this fact. The fact I thought her mom sounded like a dude on my laptop was due to the fact I had to mess with sound setting on a video editor in order to hear them better.) This was because I recorded her in order to get some video footage for a compilation video I was going to make for her and I hid a camera so I could see her. I didnt think anything of it because I have used my phone to record her without her knowing when she would play video games or be on her laptop then show her the footage after I was done. After that we had talked a couple of days after and she said that moving out was probably best. I convinced her that she could so long as she would try and see change in me. after a few really good days along with some bad days after talking about the situation, I made her decide that if my chances of her staying are good then she can stay, but if they arent then the best thing for both of use if for her to get her stuff and leave. She has decided to stay which means that my chances of her staying are good but she is still going to turn her apartment application in and see how that goes. Im already with out a doubt that these people have an apartment open for her so really its all about when they get ahold of her and tell her.

Im at the point where im sitting here thinking that she either wont choose me and the best thing to do for myself is to throw her out of my place, or just wait it out and see if she does infact back out of the deal and does decide to stay. What should I do? Talking hasn't really gotten me anywhere from how I feel and leaving it alone eats me from the inside out. I have already shown her how things will be by taking her places, having fun, and doing everything that I told her I would do from now on and stick to it. Either way I am going to make these changes for myself because its not only a relationship killer to have these qualities, but to just be an all around better person is alot healthier as well.

 

Thanks guys making this thread alone has helped me alot by the fact I have others who can see my situation and help me. I am sorry its so long I just wanted to make sure all the details were in there.

[btyoung21]

I am in a similar situation, I had a partner for 3 years but had problems accepting her sexual past. That history contributed to me fighting her about those things when memories are triggered.

 

We both are paranoid/obsessive when it comes to our partners. Something we both need to change. I think our partners need to see that we can change; and maybe that means listening to what they want and not what we need. If she needs space to think and decide, let her. But let her know that you are willing to change and work it out, but the decision should be entirely up to her.

 

My girl started med school 2 months ago, pressures of medschool and my demands for time together came to a head; she chose medschool because I was becoming too demanding. I'll let her settle into medschool, do no-contact for around 2-3 months (she told me to her leave alone) and see what happens from there.

 

Most of the time; it just takes time away from each other and then try to start again. If efforts to start again are met with negativity or rejection, then we may have to move on for good.