8 Weeks NC update...

[HarleyBrown2]

So it's been 8 weeks NC and every day I get stronger and stronger and am now finally able to make sense of the breakup. I can now accept that we're over, not getting back together and that I love her and probably always will, but am not in love with her! She broke up with me saying i she didn't want to break up, but it was for the best and she misses me etc, it was super hard to initially accept that and understand it, I was with this girl for over a year and saw myself spending the rest of my life with her, but slowly I have healed and realised we were not as compatible as I initially thought. She is super insecure and needs a lot of attention, and even though she was my everything, that wasnt enough for her, she needed attention from others (external validation)! When she broke up with me she put a deep song as her status on chat which meant and explained a lot, but she took that down yesterday and for whatever reason that has set me back a step or 2, I text her about 5 days ago to make sure she was okay because something had happened in her town, we sent a few texts back and forth which we very civil, she joked about and so did I, it was short but sweet, today I decided to look at her fb, which I haven't checked since we broke up and it's very mixed, looks like she's living her life and getting on, but she's also posted pictures of famous people and keeps commenting about how fit they are, I just want to know why she's doing this as she never has done such things before (I know this sounds childish, were 25) sorry I know this sounds really inmature, but for whatever reason it has set me back a bit and I would just really appreciate it if someone could help me understand this, I'm doing well with moving on and want to keep it that way! I wish for nothing but the best for this girl as I know she's awesome just a little confused and damaged... I just want a little help if anyone knows what any of this means, I'm a little lost atm! Do people who need external validation/GIGS ever regret decisions and would they ever let you know?! Thanks

[sorensong]

I'm also curious about whether or not they might eventually feel regret.

[Angry bird]

You are not 8 weeks NC, LOL. You are checking up on her. No judgement, break ups are hard. And if my person didn't move on so quickly, I would be checking the twitter and fb too. It hurts me to see he didn't give a sh-t about my feelings. So I don't google him, I'm totally off FB & Twitter and I am so happy we have no mutual friends nor do we livein the same state. The only way I would know anything about him, is if I go looking. And I am not going to do that, for my own emotional well being.

[templeofmax]

Well man, I think we are in pretty similar boats here. I am right now 7 weeks NC (yes, checking her FB as well, so semi NC), but almost 4 months post BU! My ex is also highly insecure (most fights were about me being close to my sister in terms of caring for her, worrying about her, usual family things that to someone secure should not be a bore at all, on the contrary, shows I am a family man) and I put up with her jealousy for too long, although she knew she needed to be away to be able to work on her issues. However, I did not want to let go cause otherwise she is a sweet, caring, very giving girl. Well, sometimes I wasn't patient enough and disrespected her and communicated with her family about a couple of fights, s I wasn't a saint either, but, hell, I am human after all, so she broke it of for good (we had been on a 2-month break already) over a 2 line e-mail. I tried texting, leaving a couple of letters, no answer, she basically ignored everything, and her family too after I sent an apology text.

 

After a 2.5 year relationship this way of handling things is very immature, especially since the day after the BU my grandfather passed away and her condolences was the last thing I heard, no follow-up to see how I was doing, etc. On the contrary, she started to put some pics on her FB looking all radiant with a quote 'such is life, embracing it with all the passion'. She is also traveling through South America with her cousins, so it would seem as if the BU did not affect her at all. So post BU she is behaving very strange, but since she is insecure, I would think it is a show and me showing her I am there does not help, so that is why I decided to go NC. I know it is for me to heal, and it is working, but I am not getting over her anytime soon. What we lived was too strong, for good or bad, and the love was there, or maybe still is because I cannot believe she would get over me like this, when I saw the love still there (9 days before BU she said that my sister and I were her new family). She still has our few pics on FB (I don't have her, but my mom does) and my only option now is to go NC and see what happens. Sometimes I feel she is ungrateful because I am as loyal and honest as they come, tried to be there for her, but like you say, to an insecure person, that is not enough. We were even engaged, so its not like a casual relationship, so her way of handling things is just plain wrong and hurtful.

 

So I am going more NC cause I have ALWAYS been there, so now, even though I miss her like crazy, I can't do anything else. NC will show her I respect her, will maybe put doubts in her mind for her true feelings to come, and it will help me. After I am better healed I may look for her because I do love her and if she needs some time away, I will give it to her but need for her to talk to me, but I need to resist the urge when she comes back from her trip. But I also need to not check her FB at all and tell my mom to not give me 'updates' because whatever she is feeling she will not show and I can't let her pictures, status updates, etc, control my emotions cause I still care deeply for her and those things set me back. You should maybe do the same, go NC for a period of time. If they belong to us, nothing will change that, and maybe we can talk to them, but, as I found out, right now its not the time.

[HarleyBrown2]

Hopefully someone with wisdom and experience will come forward and answer a few questions for us dude... Yeah Im 8 weeks NC and I've been doing very well, there's nothing wrong with having a weak moment in life, I loved the girl Im not just gonna forget about her... And one day I hope to be civil and mature enough to develop a friendship if nothing else with this girl! Anyway who knows that's all in the future, and no one knows what that holds!

[HarleyBrown2]

TempleOfMax sorry to hear you're going through the same thing, it's an absolute heartbreaker, but it does all get easier bit by bit, but I totally agree with the no fb checking, but as explained it was a one off due to the status change on her whatsapp, I guess curiosity just got the better of me, but I'm going back to strict NC! Take care dude and I hope it gets easier!

[templeofmax]

That is the problem with people with low self-esteem. They look for us to provide what they can't provide for themselves, and when we come up short, and we will unless we sacrifice our sanity, they will resent us and problems will start. The only thing that we may have going for ourselves if we ever want to be with them again is that if they know they are unhealthy for a relationship right now, they will not go looking for anybody else, and even if they did, it certainly wouldn't last. Its such a shame though because in my case, if it wasn't for her insecurities, she would be my all and that is why I love her. In both our cases I don't think lack of love ended things. It was more of a case of them not feeling good to be in a relationship and getting fed up with their constant worrying. For that I guess only time will help them to start working on her issues and if they truly loves us they will be back in a healthier way. Maybe I am a dreamer, but I don't think love really dies quickly if it was there to begin with. Was your ex also hard to communicate with? Mine was, she preferred to go silent than talk about things, and hence why a relationship without trust and communication is doomed.

[HarleyBrown2]

My ex had low self esteem/insecurities even though she was awesome in my eyes, but that stemmed from her up brining - not getting attention for her parents due to her sister being the golden child! My ex always needed external validation, I gave her my absolute all, but she would still need to get attention from others, which eventually broke us up, because I found it disrespectful! We did talk about things, but never solved them, we just recognised we had a problem and expected it to change by itself -

Which would obviously never work! I don't know, you can always over analyse in hindsight, what's done is done now, I have no clue what's going on in her head, whether she has moved on or not, all I know is she broke up with me saying she'd probably regret it and didnt want to break but it's for the best I'm the long run, whatever that's supposed to mean... Call me old fashioned, but is rather stay together and make it work... Guess we hit a point where she had enough, which is sad because we were so good, apart from her self destructive insecurities... But I've still got a lot of time and love for this girl and If she doesn't want me as a partner, hopefully once I've healed I can have her in my life, which is what she wants, I just can't hack friendship atm :s it's so difficult! Insecurities and low self esteem are such a sad thing, all you want to do on the end is help that person, and show them how awesome they are, but doubt that would even be enough!

[templeofmax]

I feel for you man. Same situation here. After our 2 month break I realized I did take her for granted sometimes over my sister, but only because my sister and I have always been close, so I did make some changes without sacrificing who I am, which obviously, if you have a girl, she should be priority. However, she never got over it, and the mention of my sister made her anxious and it was uncomfortable, but things were getting better, but just not enough, every few days a new discussion arose. She tells me why my sister doesn't call her (they were friends again) and anything I said she would be like 'why are you defending her'. I wasn't. Or why do I like my sister pics and not the ones her friends put of her, 5 minutes ago, when I wasn't even on the damn FB. I wasn't a saint, sometimes I reacted badly and are very ashamed to admit I did insult her sometimes because of my anxiety too, but the times I was able to hold on the fort, she turned around and apologized. So now, after 4 months I have done changes in my life, became a more understanding, less angry, more patient individual, more giving too. However, she doesn't want to hear for now and maybe only time will show her change, but truth is, as patient as I could be, there is so much to take until I become a doormat. So I get the guilt trips about my behavior, but I also was good to her, honest, understanding and patient to a point. Irony is that I love her so much and she used to ask me if I am with her because I am afraid to find anybody else, as if love grew on trees or as if it was a matter of changing shoes. So what you are saying is right, unless they love themselves, they will not be able to feel loved by a significant other. Now with all families involved, on my case, it looks bleak, but I tend to think, if love is there, if its strong enough, things will turn around, but she needs time to change and all I can do is respect her, although I wish she would talk to me.

 

In your situation, it seems you did not end on bad terms and your ex was honest to you, told you that she needed to find herself. Mine I know she is doing that cause she started mediation (damn FB again) and maybe our pics on her FB still means she does care and love me, but like yours, she can't be in a relationship right now. So man, if you felt there was love and things ended because of her insecurities and you still love her and she does love you, there is hope man. If I have hope, you should too. In your case, seems you are not on bad terms, so there is gene more hope, but all you can is respect her space because if you end up getting back together now, nothing will have changed really and it will be more of the same. Like I said, your ex seems to be honest about her feeling and what she needs. Mine doesn't show it. Instead, its pics on FB as if everything is dandy. However, I don't think it is cause unless she is a robot, I don't think she is hurt too on the inside, because if did not love each other so much, then we wouldn't have lasted unless we are masochists.