Preparing for the fall out

[maidai]

I am new here and have read some threads and not even sure what I am asking apart from some advice and experience and I am sorry bear with me this will be long.

 

My partner of 18 months has just returned to his wife. Background information because I suppose its relevant. They had been split for 2 years when we got together they had a very abusive 7 years together 1 child. Lots of controlling involved and insecurity because she cheated possibly 3 times each time blaming him. He was not allowed to network, she isolated him from his family he didnt see them for 2 years before the relationship ended, stopped him seeing his other children, belittled him and constantly run down his self esteem. The long and short it ended up in him having a breakdown and family and friends helping to get him out and 5 years of anti depressants which we managed to finally sort and he was well enough to cut them free 6 months ago. In the beginning it was tough, he was quite emotionally shut down and struggled to show his feelings but we fought through it and have had a fabulous time doing more together than we have ever done before with ex partners we never stopped laughing and having fun, let each other enjoy friend and family time alone etc aswell as together.

 

Friday they got their decree nisi. Friday afternoon we spent the afternoon together in the sun with his Daughter. He returned her back to his wife on Friday evening and then bam... he changed. I knew instantly something was wrong. Saturday I asked what was wrong and he said nothing so I said that that evening I would go out with girlfriends and that if he was going to be dishonest with me after 18 months then I had to think where we went from here. I had no idea what was going on when I got no contact for two days then a text explaining the situation nastily which was very obviously woman worded. I had naturally just thought he was working things out in his head.

 

Since then I have had no contact. His family are lovely and we get on really well and they know he had never been or seemed more happy and content and are currently perplexed. As much as I like them and will miss them I have also said that I feel we should have no contact and have explained my reasons to them including his older children. They are totally understanding. I have deleted numbers, texts, conversations everything so that I dont re read and do the what ifs and if onlys etc because I felt that was the most sensible thing to do.

 

I have annalysed to begin with what *I* did wrong and what was *wrong* with me but that only lasted hours and quickly realised it was not me it was him, I know he felt sad about the divorce because he thought it was something else he had screwed up, even though I explained that takes two, kind of explains where his self esteem where she was concerned was, but that as long as they could do it amicably for the sake of their child then he was fine with it. Also I imagine her... faced with losing her fall guy she was suddenly very unhappy with our 18 month relationship that had never bothered her before and who knows what conversation followed but there is always going to be good times alongside bad times and I think reminiscing might have taken place and well....

 

The chances of this working again long term for them are almost zero I feel and am sure alot here would agree.. This is where my worry stems from... I am worried that when it implodes there will be attempts to catch me up in the debris and I am wanting stories and experiences of ways to emotionally strengthen myself to try and make sure I do not let it happen. By means of my job and my nature I am naturally a rescuer and having known him for 20 years instead of being angry that he belittled everything we had I worried more knowing this would potentially be more damaging for him in the long run and felt scared for him. I do know though that I need to prepare for the fact it may happen and feel like its a ticking time bomb hanging over my head that is niggling away. Are there going to be signs it may hit I should be watching for and what is the best way others feel if it should start?

Edited August 11, 2013 by maidai

[Philosoraptor]

I don't have stories, but you seem to know what is going to happen here. The best thing you can do is ground yourself and block any forms of contact so that you don't end up in the storm. Don't allow yourself to save someone who is not only choosing to walk in the fire, but extinguish what you two had. And if he comes back he will tell you how she "made" him send such nasty things, but in the end he made the choice to give up what he had.