Never understood the one night stand

[xxoo]

I have known and read that ONS or short term sexual only realtionships are very common after a long bad marriage ends. I see the benefit there.

 

I also see that many times people simply are not ready or want a relationship and can detach themselves from sex and emotion - it must be like getting a massage or having a nice workout with someone at the gym.

 

I wonder if ONS appeal to people who are temporarily or permanently averse to emotional vulnerability, and if the appeal drops after that aversion drops.

 

Whatever the appeal, most people do "grow out of it" when they find something sexually better.

[ASG]

Does anyone seek ONS?

 

Or is it what people do when nothing better is available?

 

I don't. For me it's something that happens when the stars "align" or something.

 

But I'll be honest. I've had very few TRUE ONS. I do enjoy my casual sex, but sleeping with complete strangers bugs me a little bit, as you never know if they are axe murderers... So I usually end up hooking up with friends of friends, people who know someone I know... that kind of thing.

 

But, even then, sometimes we end up never seeing each other again!

[Emilia]

ONS appeal to people who are temporarily or permanently averse to emotional vulnerability, and if the appeal drops after that aversion drops.

Yes. I knew when I liked my last intended ONS partner (we ended up dating) that time was up on this particular emotionally unavailable activity. I haven't had one since - and I'm talking about not having one for the last 7 years.

[Emilia]

I disagree with the notion that someone's past is irrelevant. I think someone's past is extremely relevant in illuminating how they view themselves and others. I'm not saying that one method of thinking is better or worse then the other, but I do think they're incompatible.

I would be perfectly happy to explain my adult past to someone if he asked. I have had conversations of various depth over the years but no man has ever asked me to give an extensive explanation. I have clarity over my attraction style and how it has changed over the years and the dynamics behind it so I would be very comfortable explaining it. He would either get it or not.

[findingnemo]

If a ONS means having sex once with a total stranger, then no I have never had one. And I don't understand how that happens either. To go into a bar, meet someone and have sex? There are so many things I need to know first.

 

I have had what did turn out to be once only encounter with someone I knew. I was reeling from the break up of my first R (5 years long) and had only had sex with my ex. I had something to prove and went out clubbing with the brother of one of my friends. In the morning, I woke up disoriented and realized that it had been a very bad idea. It took a while to get over the shame of it.

 

(Yes, I know. Religion plays a big role in my thinking.)

[miss_jaclynrae]

I wonder if ONS appeal to people who are temporarily or permanently averse to emotional vulnerability, and if the appeal drops after that aversion drops.

 

Whatever the appeal, most people do "grow out of it" when they find something sexually better.

 

I was freshly divorce when I had mine. It is a power thing, not over the man you are sleeping with, but your own body. I owned my ****!

 

It isn't growing out when you find something better, it is when you WANT something better. As soon as I started looking for a long term partner, I knocked it off.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Does anyone seek ONS?

 

Or is it what people do when nothing better is available?

 

Sometimes? Definitely not something I do when nothing better is available.

I have walked into a bar and looked at a guy and said "THAT, is going home with me tonight." And I had no intentions of things going any farther after that.

 

 

 

Sometimes that **** just happens though.

The fact that a ONS is so baffling to people is bizarre to me.

[GoodOnPaper]

Sometimes that **** just happens though. The fact that a ONS is so baffling to people is bizarre to me.

 

For me it's baffling because ONS attraction seems so much more intense and physically primal than "relationship attraction" even though most women say they would rather have relationships. Since I was unable to attract women for anything casual, I can't help but wonder if it's impossible for even a good marriage to make up for what I missed out on. If I couldn't just get laid when I was single, am I doomed to a sort of second-best attraction level from LTR partners?

[tman666]

For me it's baffling because ONS attraction seems so much more intense and physically primal than "relationship attraction" even though most women say they would rather have relationships. Since I was unable to attract women for anything casual, I can't help but wonder if it's impossible for even a good marriage to make up for what I missed out on. If I couldn't just get laid when I was single, am I doomed to a sort of second-best attraction level from LTR partners?

 

I don't speak for everyone, but the sexual attraction and "primal sex" drive I've experienced with my soon to be wife is much, much more intense than anything I've had before.

 

For us, it's something that has actually built up over time.

 

So, while I can only speak for myself, I can say with certainty that it's not impossible to have better, more intense sex within the context of a long term relationship.

 

I think it probably just depends on the people involved.

[tman666]

If you can't get first hand then you'll have to settle for second hand.

 

Is this some sort of masturbation reference? What exactly are you saying here?

[Lei Ping]

I dont understand how the one night stand plays out. Both people meet at a bar or a club....they hang out, drink, talk....and then at some point one of them asks if they want to "come over to my place" or some other reference....that I get.

 

But what I dont get...is that both people know the consequences and risk of having sex that night....and then never hearing from the person again. But its awkward and out of line to bring it up. Its like both people are dancing a charade with the other. Or maybe one is putting on a charade and the other is actually interested....but its still not talked about.

 

Another thing I dont get....

 

If a guy meets a woman at his favorite night spot...and has a one night stand with her....knowing full well the whole time he's only having sex with her, then cutting all ties.....doesnt he think ahead of time that he may see her again in the same bar??

 

I just dont get how men and women blatantly falsify themselves to the other person like that......and it doesnt even concern them that they may run into them again. I dont even know how to present myself in that manner.....sitting there all night talking to a woman that I know I am lying to just to sleep with her....knowing I will ignore her after its over.

 

Why is it as easy as breathing for so many people to do this??

 

 

.

 

Because love is love and sex is sex. They do not need each other to exist.

 

In casual sex there are no "ties". There is a level of appreciation and respect but there don't need to be any emotional garbage in the way of the expression of physical desire. What century is this?

 

There's nothing "blatantly false" about getting naked together and that's the "blatant" truth.

[Lei Ping]

Bars and clubs are made for people only looking to get laid.

 

If only one was looking to get laid, does, and there is the clear possibility they could meet at the same night spot later on down the road they go to bed again more often than not. The people who were looking for something more were typically fooling themselves so they could keep thinking sweet thoughts about themselves. They came to a bar or club after all. They were looking for sex all along like everyone else.

 

Bars and Clubs are made for people looking to interact and have fun drinking and socializing and dancing, maybe shooting a game of pool or watching a game or having a bite to eat and having fun with their friends or meeting new friends.

 

Ho houses are made for people only looking to get laid. One must know the difference before deciding which one to go to.

[veggirl]

I've had plenty of sex with plenty of people but not ONSs. The idea of having sex with and waking up next to a stranger repulses me. Plus going to his place just seems like it could be dangerous when he's a stranger prior to 2 hours ago. I've been drunk and horny but I don't parlay that into going home with and banging joe schmo from the bar.

[will1988]

The worst offenders tend to have this take on clubs/bars.

 

most of my friends go to clubs / bars to get laid... 9.9 times out 10 they fail. I on the other hand go to drink and have a good time with my friends.

[Antenna_Of_Destiny]

I have absolutely no problem with how many one night stands a woman has had, nor how many people she has had sex with. I also have no problem if she was an escort for some time. I don't care if she has had sex with over 10,000 people in over 100,000 positions. My sexual history is quite long too.

 

Want to know what does irk me and causes me to immediately lose interest? If she's making you jump through a bunch of hoops for something she passes out like candy on Halloween to others.

 

I only "wait" a while for sex to establish the relationship, IF - and only if - that is her usual and normal standard and conviction. If you learn that your partner treats you differently than your partner usually treats others in her past, you should rebuke the double standard and quit dating her.

 

I despise women who make make someone who is "relationship material" "wait" but won't hesitate to bang someone who is "not relationship material".

 

These kinds of game players perpetuate many of the problems in the dating world.

 

This is why you see more guys acting like douche's and jerks now.

 

They see douchy guys and jerks getting sex on demand without any commitments, while boyfriends have to do the whole dinner, movies, be polite, buy her gifts script and not getting sex until the 10th date.

 

Which do you think guys are going to emulate?

 

There isn't a single mentally healthy individual in the world that would be okay with their future SO withholding sex for months during courtship, while having had sex with losers or "the bad boy" ASAP because they treat her differently on purpose to be judged "non-relationship" material. No one wants to be that person that waits patiently to come up empty handed when the partner has had losers they slept with on the first encounter in the past. That's the very definition of a chump.

[TheAlchemist]

OP, I respect your position on one night stands , but I disagree. The only problem I have with your post is that you would judge a woman for having previous one night stands. I think that is a little immature, dont you? Before she entered your life she was a single woman who made an adult decision to be intimate with someone- that isn't your business or your place to judge. Then you go on to say that you would never bring up how many men she slept with. While every man is different, if its your first serious relationship and is the girl you lose your virginity to..I have a hard time believing that you wont make the rookie mistake of asking her how many men she slept with.

 

I personally do not know you, but you state you have never had a relationship, kissed or had sex. You are a late bloomer and that is totally fine. There isn't some biological virginity clock. From your post, I gather the sense that you are thinking way to deeply into the topic of sex and ONS. By no means am I trying to put you down, but its hard to understand why someone has a ONS if you have never had sex.

 

I have had multiple ONS, but they were with people I felt comfortable and knew I would not date. For example, a few years ago, my brother and I went backpacking throughout Europe and we had "fun". We were both single, both good looking and we just wanted to have fun. So to sum up, from my perspective, I had ONS because it was fun (only in a situation where I had condoms and a place to stay) and I did it for the chase and confidence. As an individual, casual sex helped me gain confidence ..especially after my first true love cheated on me. When I was single, I used to go out to just have fun..I never cared about getting laid. I just wanted to go to bars, clubs, and parties and dance my ass off and meet people. I laugh looking at guys who go out to get laid because like the poster above me said...it never ends well.

 

I currently have a gf and sex with her is amazing, but that doesn't imply that sex with strangers when you are single is "bad"...just different. Both are special in their own respective ways.

 

All I can tell you is to stop asking why and just have fun in your life..don't take things so seriously. You don't have to have a one night stand or have multiple hook ups if you don't want to, but its fun! I don't know if you're struggling to get a girl or anything, but Ill tell you what my dad told me today- "YOLO". Go out, have fun, and be confident =)

[hestheone66]

just like we can have hetero sexual/ homo sexual or bi sexual.. i think people who can/enjoy ONS is just a different approach to sexuality

 

if it doesn't make you feel comfortable, because for you, sex and intense emotional commitment are the same thing then you are not cut out for ONS.

 

I have a girlfriend like that. I'm not like that and have never been that way. When i am in a deeply intense relationship, the sex creates such an amazing meaningful bond.

But meaningless sex with a stranger is very hot and you can let yourself go and do things that if you were going to see them again may invoke some embarrassment.

The best thing is what i have now.. a sexual relationship that (from my part) was only supposed to be a ONS so it was hot, shameful sex with a stranger.. that ended up being the most meaningful and intimate relationship i've had. cos there is no shame, yet you realise that you were so on the same page that you pursue each other.. deep and profoundly shameless sex is cathartic in a way that can change lives.. this doesn't often happen with relationship sex especially with people who are awkward at sex.. as you get older things become more transparent and complicated at the same paradoxical time..

[hestheone66]

the point of ONS is NOT to wake up next to them... you do what you need to and politely leave, nothing worse than someone not 'realising it was just sex' and want to hang out afterwards.. lonely people should not do ONS.. it would possibly be heartbreaking.

Perfect candidates - between relationships, have active social life, and want some skin/skin time with no complications.. find a like minded soul and it is a very honest transaction.

 

I've had plenty of sex with plenty of people but not ONSs. The idea of having sex with and waking up next to a stranger repulses me. Plus going to his place just seems like it could be dangerous when he's a stranger prior to 2 hours ago. I've been drunk and horny but I don't parlay that into going home with and banging joe schmo from the bar.

[Emilia]

the point of ONS is NOT to wake up next to them... you do what you need to and politely leave, nothing worse than someone not 'realising it was just sex' and want to hang out afterwards.. lonely people should not do ONS.. it would possibly be heartbreaking.

Perfect candidates - between relationships, have active social life, and want some skin/skin time with no complications.. find a like minded soul and it is a very honest transaction.

Really? To me the perfect etiquette is to stay the night and be friendly in the morning, possibly with a cup of tea. I've never left in the middle of the night with anyone and it has never been done to me either. I would consider that rather rude.

[hestheone66]

Who would have thought? I wouldn't want to stay and i wouldn't want someone to stay at mine.. what on earth would you talk about at breakfast??? how would you stop a 'clinger' from extending to lunch? seems awkward.. but if that's what you prefer and you've always had it that way kudos!

[Emilia]

Who would have thought? I wouldn't want to stay and i wouldn't want someone to stay at mine.. what on earth would you talk about at breakfast??? how would you stop a 'clinger' from extending to lunch? seems awkward.. but if that's what you prefer and you've always had it that way kudos!

I would never ever sleep with someone who wasn't comfortable enough to stay the night and vice versa, I have never hooked up with anyone I didn't like as a person. I enjoy banter and rapport and most people will have the social skills to know when to leave. It was never a cold transaction experience for me.

[salparadise]

Why is it as easy as breathing for so many people to do this?

 

This is why, according to Maslow's hierarchy of human needs. Notice that sex exists on levels one and three. The reason that it's problematic for so many is an overdeveloped superego. We are slut-shamed in subtle and not so subtle ways from infancy and this evil aspect of our human nature is repressed to the subconscious.

[swenann991]

This is why, according to Maslow's hierarchy of human needs. Notice that sex exists on levels one and three. The reason that it's problematic for so many is an overdeveloped superego. We are slut-shamed in subtle and not so subtle ways from infancy and this evil aspect of our human nature is repressed to the subconscious.

 

this is good and scientific explanation, I like it!

[KathyM]

This is why, according to Maslow's hierarchy of human needs. Notice that sex exists on levels one and three. The reason that it's problematic for so many is an overdeveloped superego. We are slut-shamed in subtle and not so subtle ways from infancy and this evil aspect of our human nature is repressed to the subconscious.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs also lists morality as an important need, on both the second and top tier. Morality is an important need that enables someone to function better in society. It's also a protective measure that prevents a person from engaging in self-destructive things which can compromise a person's safety or emotional well being. Engaging in a ONS can be damaging to a person's self esteem, self worth, and emotional well-being. It can also put a person's personal safety at risk.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Older generations would scoff at the idea that the majority find it acceptable to have casual sex. Many of you talk about "wiring," and you ignore the FACT that HUMANS are WIRED for an emotional connection.

 

We are what psychologists call "higher order animals." And here we see a regression into a state of consciousness/acceptance of an act that lower order animals are wired to be satisfied with. Why not? After all, lower order animals typically mate for a season and move on. How would you feel if you saw a couple coming together during January till May, have a baby over the course of that time (not the usual 9 months), raise the baby for a good few weeks and then let the baby go and do it all over again from August till December? Well, guess what? That's what "primal" REALLY means.

 

Humans are wired to feel for one another, come together to find out if they are personally suited for one another (because we're social creatures) and if we are, then we mate, give birth, and raise the child for the next minimum 18 years (legally). Where does casual sex fit in all of this and why is sex separate from the relationship when we really were not built for that?

 

If the question is CAN a person be the type of person to separate sex from intimacy, the answer is a resounding yes. But the widespread approval of casual sex is a new phenomenon triggered by industrializing, mass production, marketing, and media. That has nothing to do with our biology, in fact, quite the opposite. Why do we have...feelings? Why do we get...hurt? Why does a MALE who is supposedly WIRED to impregnate many females feel so crappy after he finds out his girlfriend/wife who is supposedly WIRED to stay faithful ends up giving a nice sloppy blowjob to their next door neighbor? I wonder when people will finally realize this is not the way it is, but just a phase that mass media promulgates to sell as many products to you as possible, and to find a new way to oppress women by instilling the notion that they are just a sex toy, whereas before they were just a housekeeper and a babymaker.

 

MrTurk, there is nothing wrong with you. You are a very well brought up, nice male. Your desire to keep together relationship with intimacy is what will bring a fulfilling relationship into your life, and you will end up happy instead of wondering (like many of these people) why your partner constantly flirts with other people.

Edited August 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator