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Never understood the one night stand

MrTurk

By MrTurk
in General Relationship Discussion

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MrTurk Established Member

MrTurk

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I dont understand how the one night stand plays out. Both people meet at a bar or a club....they hang out, drink, talk....and then at some point one of them asks if they want to "come over to my place" or some other reference....that I get.

 

But what I dont get...is that both people know the consequences and risk of having sex that night....and then never hearing from the person again. But its awkward and out of line to bring it up. Its like both people are dancing a charade with the other. Or maybe one is putting on a charade and the other is actually interested....but its still not talked about.

 

Another thing I dont get....

 

If a guy meets a woman at his favorite night spot...and has a one night stand with her....knowing full well the whole time he's only having sex with her, then cutting all ties.....doesnt he think ahead of time that he may see her again in the same bar??

 

I just dont get how men and women blatantly falsify themselves to the other person like that......and it doesnt even concern them that they may run into them again. I dont even know how to present myself in that manner.....sitting there all night talking to a woman that I know I am lying to just to sleep with her....knowing I will ignore her after its over.

 

Why is it as easy as breathing for so many people to do this??

 

 

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Edited by MrTurk
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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Well my perspective on it is that when I had ONS we never exchanged contact details so it was always clear that it was a one off. When I was younger I enjoyed going a bit nuts and impulsive, it's very much part of the appeal. They weren't men I would have wanted to date long term, as I said we didn't even exchange phone numbers.

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carhill Established Member

carhill

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Some people live in the moment; the past and the future are irrelevant or insufficiently cared about to matter in any substantive way. This can be global or situational. The bar encounter, as one example, could be a moment in time away from a relatively ordered and pedestrian life or it could be the latest moment in a string of similar moments happening daily. Each person is different.

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MrTurk Established Member

MrTurk

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Some people live in the moment; the past and the future are irrelevant or insufficiently cared about to matter in any substantive way.

 

All I think about when I meet a woman is assessing her as a potential long-term relationship.

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MrTurk Established Member

MrTurk

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You are over thinking this.

 

Any time I've had a one night stand there was no lying involved. We both knew what it was and had fun.

 

Well since I've never done it that would explain why I dont understand it :laugh:

 

But we all know there are situations where both sides are not aware that its going to be a one night stand.

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

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I don't understand the appeal. It seems cold, unfeeling and nonsensical.

 

I wouldn't want to date any woman who had had a one night stand before. It would make me think less of her to be honest.

 

Though, I would never ask if she had. Precisely for that reason.

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MrTurk Established Member

MrTurk

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Well not everyone wants to remain celibate between relationships.

 

 

Everyone is free to do what they want.

 

All I'm saying is that I dont understand it. Or how it plays out.

 

Lets say I meet a woman tonight....we hit it off...have sex...and we go our separate ways. OK...now what? Am I in a different boat than I was before the sex? I'm still single, and lonely. What did the sex do for me?

 

For me the sex without a relationship isnt all that. Because from my point of view....just hooking up randomly is more about being selfish and feeding ego's than anything else.

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fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

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Well not everyone wants to remain celibate between relationships.

 

Fair enough. I'd still judge someone for it. Man or woman.

 

And, if I'm ever fortunate enough to have a girlfriend, I don't ever want to know about any one night stands she may have had. It's just not something I need to know about.

sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

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What did the sex do for me?

 

Maybe you were horny and are now less horny with a nice memory? But also consider that the 'meet in a bar' scenario might involve alcohol... which doesn't always lead to making great decisions or having great memories of them afterwards.

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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I had only one "real" ONS. At the time we both had reasons for the "one off" and would not see each other again. It was not a great idea, but things were needed by both of us from the sex. I did not plan for it - but Life is what happens when you are making other plans.

 

In the past, I don't personally understand the attraction or fun of multiple ONS, or even longer term F buddies - but now that I am older- I actually understand the benefit of ONS as long as both are honest and happy with it.

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MrTurk Established Member

MrTurk

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but now that I am older- I actually understand the benefit of ONS as long as both are honest and happy with it.

 

 

What is the benefit that you see??

Divasu Established Member

Divasu

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Everyone is free to do what they want.

 

All I'm saying is that I dont understand it. Or how it plays out.

 

Lets say I meet a woman tonight....we hit it off...have sex...and we go our separate ways. OK...now what? Am I in a different boat than I was before the sex? I'm still single, and lonely. What did the sex do for me?

 

For me the sex without a relationship isnt all that. Because from my point of view....just hooking up randomly is more about being selfish and feeding ego's than anything else.

 

I asked my older sister those exact same questions years ago. And her response was "if you're single, there's nothing wrong with just enjoying the moment". My sister is a pretty straightforward, very responsible and level headed individual and I highly value her opinion. I understood what she meant, and she was absolutely correct. But (yes, there is a but...) some people simply cannot separate and/or manage sex without emotional intimacy and IF you are one of those individuals, it's not for you.

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BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

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For me the sex without a relationship isnt all that.

And that's why you don't understand ONSs.

 

Some of us can enjoy sex just purely for the primal act that it is.

Imported Established Member

Imported

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What is the benefit that you see??

 

 

I take it sex is not really that enjoyable for you.

Robert Z Established Member

Robert Z

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I'd still judge someone for it.

 

Why? Why do you feel the need to judge? Are you religious?

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

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Why? Why do you feel the need to judge? Are you religious?

 

Because I think sex is best left for relationships. I'd have serious questions about someone who couldn't keep it in their pants between relationships.

 

Religion has nothing to do with it.

 

Like I said though, I wouldn't ask any potential girlfriend about it. So I doubt it would ever be an issue for me.

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Robert Z Established Member

Robert Z

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Because I think sex is best left for relationships. I'd have serious questions about someone who couldn't keep it in their pants between relationships.

 

You've never had a girlfriend? You seemed to say this in your previous post.

 

Would you mind giving me some idea of your age?

 

Also, having an opinion about something doesn't explain the need to judge others for their choices. So why do you feel the need to judge? Why not ask the serious questions before judging?

Edited by Robert Z
GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

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And that's why you don't understand ONSs.

 

Some of us can enjoy sex just purely for the primal act that it is.

 

Isn't this just code for "You aren't good looking or charismatic enough to attract someone in a strictly 'primal' sense?" Makes relationships sound very much like a consolation.

 

One thing I don't understand is -- even keeping relationship talk out it -- that given the high physical expectations for ONSs, if you have a ONS and like the sex, why don't you want to keep having sex with that person?

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fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

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You've never had a girlfriend? You seemed to say this in your previous post.

 

Would you mind giving me some idea of your age?

 

Also, having an opinion about something doesn't explain the need to judge others for their choices. So why do you feel the need to judge? Why not ask the serious questions before judging?

 

Yes, I have never had a girlfriend. Never even kissed a girl. I'm 25.

 

I have negative opinions about people who like to have sex outside of a relationship. I think it says something about them as a person. That doesn't mean that they're horrible people, it's just that it's something that would make me think less of them.

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Robert Z Established Member

Robert Z

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it's just that it's something that would make me think less of them.

 

I guess I'm just trying to understand your motivation. I was raised with strong religious beliefs so I understand the underpinnings of biases that I had when I was younger. But if you're not religious, it is hard for me to understand the motivation.

 

Do you have any idea why you have these beliefs? Were you raised by morally strict parents?

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

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I guess I'm just trying to understand your motivation. I was raised with strong religious beliefs so I understand the underpinnings of biases that I had when I was younger. But if you're not religious, it is hard for me to understand the motivation.

 

Do you have any idea why you have these beliefs? Were you raised by morally strict parents?

 

No I was not raised by morally strict parents. I mean they raised me not to hit or steal but they didn't monitor my TV or internet activities or any of that.

 

It's just how I look at it, and how I feel about it. Sex to me is not just something you do with any old person. It's something you share with someone that you care about and who cares about you.

 

I know that's unfashionable in these fast and loose times but it's how I feel.

 

If we want to explore why I feel this way, it's possible that I'm just not as sexual a person as most people are.

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Robert Z Established Member

Robert Z

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If we want to explore why I feel this way, it's possible that I'm just not as sexual a person as most people are.

 

Very interesting! Perhaps you're just a late bloomer in this regard.

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

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Very interesting! Perhaps you're just a late bloomer in this regard.

 

Maybe. I mean I'm sure sex is great and all that, and I'd like to kiss a girl, but the first thing I think about when I think about a girl I like isn't sex. I"m just not wired that way.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
One thing I don't understand is -- even keeping relationship talk out it -- that given the high physical expectations for ONSs, if you have a ONS and like the sex, why don't you want to keep having sex with that person?

 

I don't understand that, either. If a book isn't good enough to read twice, it isn't good enough to read once.

 

But I don't think ONS are always about great sex and passion. I think they canbe about great horniness and release with whomever you can find willing at the time. People need physical contact, sexual release, and it is difficult to resist at the time, even if you later feel a bit icky about it.

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Robert Z Established Member

Robert Z

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Maybe. I mean I'm sure sex is great and all that, and I'd like to kiss a girl, but the first thing I think about when I think about a girl I like isn't sex. I"m just not wired that way.

 

It is definitely a matter of wiring. By the time I was 12, sex was about all I could think about. Just be glad that you were spared the torture of the teen years. :) I thought I was going to explode before I got laid. And then I thought I was going to explode until the next time I got laid.

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