My Girlfriend Just Broke up with Me for Another Guy...Should I Compete or Let her Go?

August 11, 2013

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd never be on a relationship forum to ask for advice...but here I am. I've posted this to Reddit, but got pretty negative responses (which I figured would happen).

So, on August 4th my girlfriend of 4 years and 6 months broke up with me for another guy. I'll give you the details.

My ex-girlfriend (we’ll call her “A) and I met in college and have been together since that time. She is my "first love." We went through a lot of good times and bad times together, particularly in the first two years. She had to deal with the heartache of my depression and it ultimately ended up creating anxiety and stress for her, which I tried to help her manage. I struggled at the very beginning to have feelings for her (and constantly questioned myself) because my heart had been shut down for so many years due to family problems and the emotional trauma in being bullied most of my life. After about three years in we both got help in therapy and got on medication.

Since those times of severe strain, things got much better. We no longer argued, were restless or had major issues. After we graduated I moved with her to Minnesota (we went to school in Wisconsin; I’m originally from North Carolina). Her parents helped me get settled in, I got an apartment and eventually a job with the local police department. Things were good…except for distance. Although we only lived about 15 minutes away, I had no car (now I'm just getting one next week thanks to her dad; a shame I can't enjoy it now though). I ended up working days when she didn’t work and she worked days when I didn’t. I got a bit caught up in being isolated at home and didn’t contact her as much as I should have…

The issue of course is this new guy; we’ll call him “D.” A went with her parents to Japan as a gift for her high school graduation, where she met D. Apparently some sort of special connection was created at that time and never left her. During college this guy actually got in contact with her on Facebook, which freaked A out…it was too depressing (because she tried to “forget him”). He would randomly initiate contact for a few days, cease contact for 6 months, come back again…and so on.

About three weeks ago they got in touch with one another again online…she started texting him a lot. Then she told me that she wanted to fly out to see him in order to see if she should be with him. Her connection over five years with him never died out. I told her that I wouldn’t like it, but would not protest because she was an adult and could make her own decisions (I felt this way despite her telling me that she might “resent” me for it if she wasn’t able to go). About a week and a half ago she left for an entire week to see him…in PA. I was anxious the entire time, especially since she barely had any contact with me once she got there. They went up to Delaware and went to the beach, watched movies, hung out, etc…

When A got back I went to her house, went upstairs and into her bedroom where she was laying down. I laid down next to her and talked a little bit before asking her, “So what did you decide? You want to be with him, don’t you?” She shook her head yes.

I was devastated of course (and still am, five days later). She told me that our relationship didn’t end because of me. She couldn’t “explain it,” but there was something about D that swayed her. Apparently he’s just like me: a really nice, caring guy. She did mention that she and I never went through our “honeymoon” phase, so that probably had something to do with it (from what I’ve read though, most of that is fiction and based on TV romance; rarely are both persons infatuated with one another early on).

So now I’m at an impasse. I’m trying to decide if I should compete with this guy, who’s far away, or if I should just “let her be” and get on with my life. I asked her if there was any chance that we would be able to get back together. She said that it was likely, since she doesn’t know if she can handle a long-distance relationship.

I’ve been reading on forums looking for suggestions and many people tend to quote the phrase, “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.” I’ve been thinking about it a lot…this is the exact reason I let her go see D, because I didn’t want to force her to stay against her will. I even told her that today through a text. I said that I let her go because I loved her (and still do).

The other issue is that I think I should compete for her heart, because it shows just how much I care. My worry though is that this will push her further away from me, especially at the early stage of where she is fawning over the guy. She’s planning on leaving Minnesota after she gets her graduate degree in a year and a half. She doesn’t like the weather here and she wants to be with him.

Since Sunday I’ve been in contact with her like I’ve always been, save for much face-to-face (she has to work and we’ve decided to only see each other once a week, even though I hate it). I’ve told her how much I care for her and if she still wanted to see me, or if she wanted me to get out of her life. She doesn’t want me to be alone…she still wants to talk and see me.

This woman is the first person in my life whom I’ve truly treasured. She fixed me when I was emotionally broken and taught me how to love. She’s cute, funny, beautiful, intelligent, sarcastic, adorable and amazing in many respects. I told her that I would never find another person like her (and that I know deep in my heart that I won’t) and that I didn’t want to lose her.

So yeah…what the hell should I do? Should I continue talking with and seeing her like I always have (obviously can’t be intimate with her anymore) or would it be best to keep a distance and let things run its course? I don’t want to be lonely…she was an immense part of my life and was really the drive to keep me going and happy. She was a huge support system for me. I’ve no friends and am pretty much isolated every day in my small apartment each day I come home from work. At the same time, she shouldn’t have to deal with me…I told her that I wanted her to be happy, and if this guy can fulfill what I couldn’t bring to the table then that would make me content. I told her that I didn’t hate either her nor him for what’s happened…it was probably an occurrence of fate.

Flirt and compete or keep a distance and move on? I told a co-worker about all this and he thinks I should just move on. A’s mom thinks that I should move on with my life as well, because A is so infatuated with this guy. She said that I shouldn’t put my life on hold while waiting for her (if she ever decides to come back). The nice thing though is that A is very honest and straightforward. She cares a lot about me...said she didn't want to "string me along" or lead me on, so there's no issue there. I also texted her that I took her for granted...that I got complacent in thinking that she would always be mine. I guess you really never "truly appreciate something until it's gone."

August 11, 2013

Also, I've thought about this within the past day...should I do no contact or limited contact? And should I do it now without telling her? I want to give time to myself to process everything, since I went into her comfort yesterday and the day of the break up to process all of this (including texting back and forth). I also want to give her time to reflect on her decision and understand the consequences, as well as to gauge how she will react (not in a cruel way, but to see if she determines whether or not the "grass is really greener" on the other side with this new guy, especially since its long-distance).

August 11, 2013

I would immediately engage in No Contact. You seem to have the right mindset on this relationship. I for one though would be mad as hell at that one guy you call D, he has some pretty crappy morals if he's talking to someone whose in a relationship like that. Just saying, but that's my opinion. It's not worth competing because she isn't doing the same for you. Your right it's her life let her do whatever. Do everything you can to move on, Cut her off from any social networking, find something productive to do, make new friends, try things you never did in life, and most of all improve yourself without her. First love is the deepest cut they say. Learn from this relationship and use it for future relationships. Do not think she will come back, expect the worst and you'll be satisfy with that. Start making goals for yourself, remember every great journey begins with one step.

August 11, 2013

Also, I've thought about this within the past day...should I do no contact or limited contact? And should I do it now without telling her? I want to give time to myself to process everything, since I went into her comfort yesterday and the day of the break up to process all of this (including texting back and forth). I also want to give her time to reflect on her decision and understand the consequences, as well as to gauge how she will react (not in a cruel way, but to see if she determines whether or not the "grass is really greener" on the other side with this new guy, especially since its long-distance).

No contact. No need to tell her, she knows what's up.

Just make sure you're trying to move on the process, not waiting for her to come running back to you.

August 11, 2013

She has the control in the relationship and knows it. She can do whatever she pleases and you'll be okay with it and let her. It's too late, but you needed to stop allowing her to walk all over you. In no way should you compete with this guy because you will lose. A fresh new relationship is no competition for your current old one at this point. You'll be wasting far too much energy on it. You need to cut connections with her now. Show her you don't need or want to be with her. Show her you have some strength and at least control that part in this. Don't keep hanging on 'til the last minute. She won't respect you for that.

August 12, 2013

I would immediately engage in No Contact. You seem to have the right mindset on this relationship. I for one though would be mad as hell at that one guy you call D, he has some pretty crappy morals if he's talking to someone whose in a relationship like that. Just saying, but that's my opinion. It's not worth competing because she isn't doing the same for you. Your right it's her life let her do whatever. Do everything you can to move on, Cut her off from any social networking, find something productive to do, make new friends, try things you never did in life, and most of all improve yourself without her. First love is the deepest cut they say. Learn from this relationship and use it for future relationships. Do not think she will come back, expect the worst and you'll be satisfy with that. Start making goals for yourself, remember every great journey begins with one step.

Thanks for the post. Very helpful! I spoke with her parents today and they told me that No Contact would be best. I did her a favor and actually emailed her that I wanted no contact instead of not saying anything. Now I’ll just leave it at that.

In terms of social networking, we’re both on Facebook but I rarely ever use it. I decided that I’ll keep her as a “friend” (even though I don’t consider her as such). I think “defriending” her is kind of petty. I won’t be communicating with her, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

No contact. No need to tell her, she knows what's up.

Just make sure you're trying to move on the process, not waiting for her to come running back to you.

That’s the plan…expecting the worse and working on my own development now.

Yeah, initially I decided to “wait for her,” but now I’m just trying to move on. I have to become more independent…a stronger person. I ignored her just about all day today (only one text as a response to if I was “alright” or not). I thought it out and decided to send her a short email that I wanted no contact…then texted her just now to let her know. Now it really begins.

She has the control in the relationship and knows it. She can do whatever she pleases and you'll be okay with it and let her. It's too late, but you needed to stop allowing her to walk all over you. In no way should you compete with this guy because you will lose. A fresh new relationship is no competition for your current old one at this point. You'll be wasting far too much energy on it. You need to cut connections with her now. Show her you don't need or want to be with her. Show her you have some strength and at least control that part in this. Don't keep hanging on 'til the last minute. She won't respect you for that.

Now that changes.

August 12, 2013

Dude, you shouldn't have to compete with some douche rocket. She should be fighting for you. To win YOU back! But, she's not gonna do that. She values this douche rocket more than you. So, screw her. She wants to throw away 4 years over someone she just reconnected with over facebook, then so be it. You are not a consolation prize! You are NOT someone's second choice.

If my girl stated that she was going to fly out to stay with some guy for a week. I would have done ALMOST the same thing you did. Except, I would have said," Look, I don't own you and you have I right to do want you want to do....but, so do I. You can go, but the minute you walk onto that plane, we're over. Don't ever contact me again." If she would have gotten on that plane, I would have stuck to my guns, complete no contact. She proved to me she would rather tempt fate than to stay and work on things.

Dude, you need to go complete no contact. She wanted you out of her life, so you give her exactly that. YOU NEED TO BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!!!!! You need to do this. Right now, they're starting out LDR so the best way for them to communicate is through social media and you don't need to see that crap.

If she phones you, let it go to voicemail. If she texts you, ignore it. Post here instead. This is her choice, and she's going to have to live with the consequences of her actions

August 12, 2013

I like all of the above comments so far.

No Contact, Delete, Block, etc.

And Chi TownD is correct, social media is their communication channel now. You should start deleting and blocking there.

Here's my new motto that took me a year to learn the painful way:

"You get all of me or none of me. There's no in between."

You chose none, bye bye.

August 12, 2013

Thanks guys...I decided to take the plunge last night before bed and block her on Facebook. It was very painful to do...but I did it. She hasn't contacted me or anything about it either. She probably feels really isolated. :/

It hurts, but I'm trying to push through it all. I talked to a buddy at work and he said that he was proud of me for doing what I did. He also said the same things you guys said, that I'm not "a back-up plan." And indeed, I refuse to be...

I'm trying to decide if I should do 1 or 2 months of no contact...I guess it depends on my healing process, though I'm sure it will take far longer than that to get over the situation.

August 12, 2013

Thanks guys...I decided to take the plunge last night before bed and block her on Facebook. It was very painful to do...but I did it. She hasn't contacted me or anything about it either. She probably feels really isolated. :/

It hurts, but I'm trying to push through it all. I talked to a buddy at work and he said that he was proud of me for doing what I did. He also said the same things you guys said, that I'm not "a back-up plan." And indeed, I refuse to be...

I'm trying to decide if I should do 1 or 2 months of no contact...I guess it depends on my healing process, though I'm sure it will take far longer than that to get over the situation.

Forget 1 or 2 months. You should do no contact INDEFINITELY and leave it to the fate of the Universe if you ever speak to her again.

Proud of you too. Good luck and remember, we are all here to help each other. Besides, misery loves company.

August 12, 2013

I'm trying to decide if I should do 1 or 2 months of no contact...I guess it depends on my healing process, though I'm sure it will take far longer than that to get over the situation.

Theres nothing to talk about with a woman who chooses someone else over you. You dont worry about how long till you talk to her again, its how long till you find someone that will treat you better. Forget about your ex, heal yourself, find someone that is better. You going backwards, otherwise talking to your ex will set you back and keep you set back. Especially if she is the type to tease you to keep your attention, for ego purposes and nothing else.

August 12, 2013

D was on her mind for years. years...she was not being fair to you or herself. she is not coming back. you need to move on. NC for good, no looking back. sorry for your pain, but proud of you for taking care of you.

August 12, 2013

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd never be on a relationship forum to ask for advice...but here I am. I've posted this to Reddit, but got pretty negative responses (which I figured would happen).

So, on August 4th my girlfriend of 4 years and 6 months broke up with me for another guy. I'll give you the details.

My ex-girlfriend (we’ll call her “A) and I met in college and have been together since that time. She is my "first love." We went through a lot of good times and bad times together, particularly in the first two years. She had to deal with the heartache of my depression and it ultimately ended up creating anxiety and stress for her, which I tried to help her manage. I struggled at the very beginning to have feelings for her (and constantly questioned myself) because my heart had been shut down for so many years due to family problems and the emotional trauma in being bullied most of my life. After about three years in we both got help in therapy and got on medication.

Since those times of severe strain, things got much better. We no longer argued, were restless or had major issues. After we graduated I moved with her to Minnesota (we went to school in Wisconsin; I’m originally from North Carolina). Her parents helped me get settled in, I got an apartment and eventually a job with the local police department. Things were good…except for distance. Although we only lived about 15 minutes away, I had no car (now I'm just getting one next week thanks to her dad; a shame I can't enjoy it now though). I ended up working days when she didn’t work and she worked days when I didn’t. I got a bit caught up in being isolated at home and didn’t contact her as much as I should have…

The issue of course is this new guy; we’ll call him “D.” A went with her parents to Japan as a gift for her high school graduation, where she met D. Apparently some sort of special connection was created at that time and never left her. During college this guy actually got in contact with her on Facebook, which freaked A out…it was too depressing (because she tried to “forget him”). He would randomly initiate contact for a few days, cease contact for 6 months, come back again…and so on.

About three weeks ago they got in touch with one another again online…she started texting him a lot. Then she told me that she wanted to fly out to see him in order to see if she should be with him. Her connection over five years with him never died out. I told her that I wouldn’t like it, but would not protest because she was an adult and could make her own decisions (I felt this way despite her telling me that she might “resent” me for it if she wasn’t able to go). About a week and a half ago she left for an entire week to see him…in PA. I was anxious the entire time, especially since she barely had any contact with me once she got there. They went up to Delaware and went to the beach, watched movies, hung out, etc…
When A got back I went to her house, went upstairs and into her bedroom where she was laying down. I laid down next to her and talked a little bit before asking her, “So what did you decide? You want to be with him, don’t you?” She shook her head yes.

I was devastated of course (and still am, five days later). She told me that our relationship didn’t end because of me. She couldn’t “explain it,” but there was something about D that swayed her. Apparently he’s just like me: a really nice, caring guy. She did mention that she and I never went through our “honeymoon” phase, so that probably had something to do with it (from what I’ve read though, most of that is fiction and based on TV romance; rarely are both persons infatuated with one another early on).
So now I’m at an impasse. I’m trying to decide if I should compete with this guy, who’s far away, or if I should just “let her be” and get on with my life. I asked her if there was any chance that we would be able to get back together. She said that it was likely, since she doesn’t know if she can handle a long-distance relationship.

I’ve been reading on forums looking for suggestions and many people tend to quote the phrase, “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.” I’ve been thinking about it a lot…

She doesn’t want me to be alone…she still wants to talk and see me.

I’ve no friends and am pretty much isolated every day in my small apartment each day I come home from work.

Flirt and compete or keep a distance and move on?

Bolded is your self-recrimination. You have actually searched for and found a way to make her having a full on fling with "D" your fault. You do know why she freaked out at first contact, don't you? Because he was knocking her boots all over Japan and that was supposed to be her "little secret".

Now that he's out in the open what do you do? Send her off to the beach with him with your full blessing. If you were ever thinking about 'fighting' for her affections THAT was the time and guess what? Yup! He knocked her boots all over the beach and now she wants to move halfway across the country to be with him because she has already replaced you in her heart.

The best thing for you to do......nevermind, everybody else already told you that and you're not going to do it anyway so here's the plan.....stay close with her, don't talk about your feelings or her relationship with dude or any of that just concentrate on having as much fun as you can. Then when she resumes her cheating ways (this time with you) you will finally understand exactly what you've been up against and you will realize that when she does move to be with "D" it means that you have won.

In your next relationship if your partner feels the need to spend some quality time alone with an ex lover hit "EJECT" immediately. Don't even think about it, just do it.

August 12, 2013

You sound like a decent guy, articulate, intelligent. She is taking the piss mate. She wants to yank her bits off with another guy, you walk away, you hold your head up and you walk away, No friggin contact. I'm sick of coming on this site and seeing people get royally **** on man. It isn't a game life, it's a life and you have yours ahead of you and it will be what you make it.

She doesn't deserve anything from you, give her nothing. Side note...my ex went with my mate for 11 months, I kept no contact for 11 months, they went tits up, she came back, we're friends now. We wouldn't be friends if I'd interacted with her in those 11 painful months. i tried to move on with my life.

Do not accept anything from anyone that is less than what you want, you are the captain of your own soul.

August 12, 2013

The "honeymoon phase" is most certainly a real thing.

I have to just say, go NC. Let her go. You can't fight for someone that no longer wants to be with you. It's sort of like beating your head against a brick wall. Nothing you do or say is going to sway her.

Also, she's been with you for a long time... the only way she's going to realize IF she misses you and wants to be with you, is if you're completely gone and out of your life.

Another note: If some other man is able to take her from you, let him have her. You don't want to fight to be someone's back up plan, second choice, or pity boyfriend. You're going to make her lose respect for you, and she's just going to feel sorry for you- not attracted to you.

The same thing happened to me in the past. I was with a guy for a couple years, and I met someone else that "did it for me" more than my boyfriend did. I wound up leaving that boyfriend for the new guy. My then ex decided to take the "fight for her" route, and I can tell you from personal experience that I was not flattered, it was not attractive, and it made him look so weak in my eyes. Instead of leaving me alone to sort out whatever was going on, he chased me, called me all the time, messaged me, e-mailed me, texted me, Facebooked me. I finally got to the point where I had to be a super b*tch to him because he just would NOT leave me alone.

Would he have had a shot of getting me back? I couldn't even tell you because he turned me off so much trying to chase me that I never even could look at him the same way again.

NC, NC, NC. It's going to suck. Especially knowing she's with another guy, but it's actually proven that if YOU stick around, she's going to wind up using you as an emotional crutch, slowly weaning herself off of you WHILE sexing up this new guy. You'll actually make their bond stronger. There's also no time limit on NC. You don't count days off on a calendar and then reach out 1 or 2 months later. The only thing that's going to happen is that you're going to make yourself look like someone who's still obsessed and still not over the situation.

NC in a situation like this, is a long term, indefinite commitment.

August 12, 2013

Bolded is your self-recrimination. You have actually searched for and found a way to make her having a full on fling with "D" your fault. You do know why she freaked out at first contact, don't you? Because he was knocking her boots all over Japan and that was supposed to be her "little secret".

Now that he's out in the open what do you do? Send her off to the beach with him with your full blessing. If you were ever thinking about 'fighting' for her affections THAT was the time and guess what? Yup! He knocked her boots all over the beach and now she wants to move halfway across the country to be with him because she has already replaced you in her heart.

The best thing for you to do......nevermind, everybody else already told you that and you're not going to do it anyway so here's the plan.....stay close with her, don't talk about your feelings or her relationship with dude or any of that just concentrate on having as much fun as you can. Then when she resumes her cheating ways (this time with you) you will finally understand exactly what you've been up against and you will realize that when she does move to be with "D" it means that you have won.

In your next relationship if your partner feels the need to spend some quality time alone with an ex lover hit "EJECT" immediately. Don't even think about it, just do it.

Well, I doubt that…considering she was with her parents when she went to Japan and the fact that she had a boyfriend at the time. She’s not a slut, just very insecure. My guess is that she freaked out because D’s in-and-out contact was an emotional rollercoaster for her, something she was trying to keep in the past and put behind her.

Knowing her from personal experience, I’m pretty sure she didn’t screw the guy. She has way too much pride for that…but you’re right, I probably should have fought for her before she left. But at the same time, I didn’t want to hold her back and have her resent me for it (that would have benefited neither of us).

No contact is the way to go. I’m not going to be a backup plan.

Copy that. Makes plenty of sense.

You sound like a decent guy, articulate, intelligent. She is taking the piss mate. She wants to yank her bits off with another guy, you walk away, you hold your head up and you walk away, No friggin contact. I'm sick of coming on this site and seeing people get royally **** on man. It isn't a game life, it's a life and you have yours ahead of you and it will be what you make it.

She doesn't deserve anything from you, give her nothing. Side note...my ex went with my mate for 11 months, I kept no contact for 11 months, they went tits up, she came back, we're friends now. We wouldn't be friends if I'd interacted with her in those 11 painful months. i tried to move on with my life.

Do not accept anything from anyone that is less than what you want, you are the captain of your own soul.

Wow, really appreciate the compliment. I definitely try…haha.

For her I don’t think it’s ever about sex. It’s all about the fear of abandonment. She was adopted as a child, so it’s understandable that separation anxiety would create rifts for her relationships. I guess unconsciously she wants to make sure she’s never alone…she’s apparently never gone throughout life (since high school) without being with a guy. I don’t fault her for that though.

That sucks about your ex, man. I’m sorry about that. Proud of you for getting through that length of time…hopefully I can manage too.

I completely agree with your last sentence. Really the only person that can really screw us over is really ourselves. I absolutely refuse to accept a “friendship” from someone whom I’ve dedicated my life and soul to for four years and eight months. Screw that, totally.

The "honeymoon phase" is most certainly a real thing.

I have to just say, go NC. Let her go. You can't fight for someone that no longer wants to be with you. It's sort of like beating your head against a brick wall. Nothing you do or say is going to sway her.

Also, she's been with you for a long time... the only way she's going to realize IF she misses you and wants to be with you, is if you're completely gone and out of your life.

Another note: If some other man is able to take her from you, let him have her. You don't want to fight to be someone's back up plan, second choice, or pity boyfriend. You're going to make her lose respect for you, and she's just going to feel sorry for you- not attracted to you.

The same thing happened to me in the past. I was with a guy for a couple years, and I met someone else that "did it for me" more than my boyfriend did. I wound up leaving that boyfriend for the new guy. My then ex decided to take the "fight for her" route, and I can tell you from personal experience that I was not flattered, it was not attractive, and it made him look so weak in my eyes. Instead of leaving me alone to sort out whatever was going on, he chased me, called me all the time, messaged me, e-mailed me, texted me, Facebooked me. I finally got to the point where I had to be a super b*tch to him because he just would NOT leave me alone.

Would he have had a shot of getting me back? I couldn't even tell you because he turned me off so much trying to chase me that I never even could look at him the same way again.

NC, NC, NC. It's going to suck. Especially knowing she's with another guy, but it's actually proven that if YOU stick around, she's going to wind up using you as an emotional crutch, slowly weaning herself off of you WHILE sexing up this new guy. You'll actually make their bond stronger. There's also no time limit on NC. You don't count days off on a calendar and then reach out 1 or 2 months later. The only thing that's going to happen is that you're going to make yourself look like someone who's still obsessed and still not over the situation.

NC in a situation like this, is a long term, indefinite commitment.

Yeah, I know it is but for the most part it is rare/unrealistic for both parties to be equally infatuated (or even at the same time). You can definitely come to love someone over time without ever really going through that phase…we certainly did it.

I agree. That’s why I have followed the phrase about how its “meant to be” if you let someone free and they come back (and not for selfish reasons or out of pity). Now it’s time to test that theory.

Yep…that’s why I initiated no contact. The first few days I was wallowing in grief and trying to act the way I was before she left: as her boyfriend. Just the other day, on Saturday, I did her feet and cuddled up next to her telling her that I would “be okay” with being her “friend” because at least I would be by her side to some degree, even if it was an illusion. I came to the realization a couple days ago that this is NOT what I want, based on the research that I did and the responses that I got from people here and elsewhere. No way in hell do I want to be a “friend”, her backup plan (which is impossible when you have feelings for someone anyway). And even though I know she doesn’t intentionally want to do that to me (string me along), subconsciously she does it because she doesn’t want to be isolated (which I understand…that’s how I felt for the first few days). I also did NC because I wanted to get out of her life and her new boyfriend…didn’t want to drown her with my sorrow and have her pity me or feel guilty for her decision. And yes…I needed to gain self-respect for myself and admiration (not disgust) from her and others.

Yeah, I understand where you’re coming from on that one…that would definitely be annoying. That’s pretty much borderline stalker right there, something that I absolutely will not fall into. I want to improve myself—gain independence and confidence—before I get back with her (if that is meant to be) or go out with anyone else. I refuse to make myself emotionally available (i.e. relationship) to anyone before I come to closure and improve myself.

I agree…definitely need to move on and get over her. I’m the only one who will continue to end up getting hurt. Indefinite NC sounds really difficult though…hopefully it won’t have to come down to this (it’s not like we hated each other or bitched each other out…quite the opposite; things just ended, sadly).

August 14, 2013

I will almost guarantee that eventually things will wear off with this guy, she probably has all these 'ideal scenarios' in her head because everything is new and exciting, but it almost certainly won't last.

She will at some stage be back in contact with you, to casually 'check up' with you and snoop around to find out what you're doing. Then you can choose to permanently cut her out of your life, just as she was prepared to do.

I'm probably a little older than you and have had my fair share of failed relationships and naturally at this point it feels like the end of the world. But it's amazing how much difference getting out and meeting someone new can make.. maybe try OLD?

Sounds like you've got your sh*t together and have a job/own place/car... in a year you will probably look back at this situation and feel embarrassed by the fuss you made over a girl like this.

God knows I do.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Pistol pete

August 14, 2013

I will almost guarantee that eventually things will wear off with this guy, she probably has all these 'ideal scenarios' in her head because everything is new and exciting, but it almost certainly won't last.

She will at some stage be back in contact with you, to casually 'check up' with you and snoop around to find out what you're doing. Then you can choose to permanently cut her out of your life, just as she was prepared to do.

I'm probably a little older than you and have had my fair share of failed relationships and naturally at this point it feels like the end of the world. But it's amazing how much difference getting out and meeting someone new can make.. maybe try OLD?

Sounds like you've got your sh*t together and have a job/own place/car... in a year you will probably look back at this situation and feel embarrassed by the fuss you made over a girl like this.

God knows I do.

She didn't permanently want to cut me out of her life...she still has strong feelings for me. Like I said before, I think she's suffering from the Grass is Greener Syndrome (GIGS). She wants something that she could never have, that she never experienced with her first two boyfriends (I was the third). That's my guess.

She's waiting on me...I'm always in contact with her parents. Her mom said that she has been really sad and depressed about the whole situation and that she really misses me, but knows that she created the problem.

Well, I wouldn't have any of that if it wasn't for her or her parents. Had it not been for them, I would have very well dropped out/failed out of college and be stuck back at home right now in an even greater depression, with severe isolation. I got my job and apartment through her parents' support. Her dad helped me get an amazing first car...we're all very close; pretty much family.

I won't ever be embarrassed about 'fussing' over her, because I've shared things that I will probably never share with anyone else. I still want her in my life...I just need time to let the pain filter through and grow as a person.

August 16, 2013

Well, the past couple of days I've been focusing on myself and getting past this hump in my life. I jogged the other day and concluded...I still want this woman in my life.

I don't need her, I want her in my world. I've come to terms with living on my own without emotional support, but I realize that I'm much happier with her. Since we broke up I feel like there is little purpose for me now. Now it's just...go to work, come home, school, work, home, etc. I'm a simple guy who was content with what he had. I've never cared for the "single" life nor do I want to go out for the thrill or "freedom" that comes with the territory. I've never shown any interest in other women besides her, even after things ended (granted its only been about a week, but still). She has physical and mental qualities I just don't see in anyone else...no one else makes me happy or smile like she does.

So yeah, I've gotten out of the desperation/despair phase and have had some time to reflect on my life. I want my ex in my life...and certainly not as a simple "friend." That won't fly with me.

What do you guys and gals think?

August 16, 2013

You're setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

August 16, 2013

^^ I didn't read this whole thread, but I have to agree with above. You will be much better off to start over with someone new. This will be a slow, agonizing ordeal. Much like being digested in the Sarlacc Pit

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