What is Going on Here?

[Pisces13]

I've been seeing this girl for a little over 5 weeks now. We see each other once or twice a week and have been texting every day. We've probably had about 11 or 12 dates, 3 of which were me going over to her house, but we still haven't sex yet. She has told me that she "really likes me", that I'm "sexy", that I'm "near perfect", that she "misses me" as well as other bits and pieces such as I'm a "great kisser" etc.

 

The last time I saw her was this past Thursday night, when she invited me over at 10:00pm to watch a movie with her. We were texting each other all day and all night, probably the most we've ever done before. So I went over to her place, jumped in to bed, she lay on me while she texted one of her friends (who is going through a bit of a rough time at the moment). When she was finished texting, she put her phone down, snuggled up to me, then like 5-10 minutes later she fell asleep. I ended up staying the night, we just cuddled and slept, then I left early in the morning for work.

 

When I got home she texted me asking if I got home ok, and told me that I'm the "best snuggler there is!". We then continued texting each other through out the day, until late into the night. I sent her a text about something at 8:00pm, and she replied at 10:30pm when I was asleep, so I didn't respond. I woke up the next morning and replied to her text when I saw it at 8:00am. Then over both Saturday and Sunday I haven't heard anything from her at all... I even sent her a text message Saturday evening asking how her weekend was going, and got no reply. I'm not sure what is going on here? I've known her for 7 weeks, and yesterday and today are the first days she hasn't texted me. I didn't say or do anything in the last 48 hours out of the ordinary, and as of Friday things seemed normal.

 

Is this girl playing games? Has she lost interest? Or am I just over thinking?

[Pisces13]

Asexual friend zone.

 

Hmmm... I actually started thinking that maybe the lack of me making a move on her that regard could be to blame. Although in my defense, she hasn't really given me much to work with... I really like this girl and want something more with her than just to be a FWB or whatever, I guess that is what I've tried to show her. I've tried initiating sexual flirting via text and she just ignored it. When we've been cuddled up on her bed, she just lays there and usually falls asleep before I have a chance to make any sort of move. She'll also say stuff like "I'm so tired tonight" which in the past with my ex usually meant sex was out of the question.

 

She has told me in text's before though that I should "kiss her much more" and that she is "shy and doesn't initiate things". That is all well and good, I understand that I'm the man and rule of thumb is that I'm supposed to initiate, but from experience the girl will give some sort indication that they want to have sex, and I haven't been getting that from her. Other than vague little hints every now and then, this girl doesn't really give anything away in regards to how she is feeling.

[Leigh 87]

Hey there, sorry I haven't replied to your pm yet.

 

Personally, the only feedback I can give you is: I never skip a day unless the guy stops initiating; then I test to see if he actually initiates.

 

There are instances where I have been crazy busy there.

 

It could go either way at this stage; If it is a one time thing, you're fine.

 

However, if she starts to make this a pattern, disappearing for one or more days at a time, then talk to her about it; ask her if this is just how she is, or if she is not that interested to just tell you and be honest about it.

 

At this stage, wait to see when she will contact you, which she likely will:)

 

Then take it from there! See if it is a one off thing or not.

 

Good luck, I am happy for you to hear that you are seeing a new girl after your ex.

 

I hope it works out for you, I will send you a msg sometime soon!

[Pisces13]

Haha all good Leigh!

 

Like I said though, I sent her text messages yesterday initiating, and she didn't respond...

 

The other thing is, we went out last Saturday night and that is when she told me she "really likes" me and that she "missed me" since the last time I saw her (which was 3 days earlier). We were all over each other the whole night, making out and it got pretty touchy feely, we went back to her place but were both too drunk by the end of the night to do anything.

 

The following Monday morning she texted me early asking if I was free for dinner one night last week, I replied saying I was and she asked me if I could do Tuesday night which I said was fine. We then spent all day Tuesday texting and making plans, then late Tuesday afternoon she texted me asking if we could reschedule as her friend (that I mentioned earlier) was really upset and was going to stay at her place. I told her that was fine, and asked when she wanted to reschedule for. She replied to my text like 4 hours later telling me her friend didn't even end up coming over, and she mentioned nothing about rescheduling dinner... I just left it at that. The next night she did go out with her friend, and she texted me late that night saying how she getting fed up with dealing with the friends issue. I then suggested taking her out for dinner the following night, to which she didn't reply until the next morning, and when she did she again mentioned nothing about dinner, just started talking about something else, so again I just left it. That ended up being the Thursday that she invited me over at 10:00pm.

 

I just don't get it. Why bother to make plans with me, ask to reschedule last minute and then ignore all questions around rescheduling?

[Leigh 87]

Oh.

 

Now that's just rude.

 

This girl isn't very considerate.

 

If I had a great guy interested in me and I was really into him, I would sure let him know that I am sorry to cancel plans and what not..

 

Yeah.

 

You need to talk to her about this; tell her it upsets you the way she has been acting, as you do not feel that she's that into you, and give her a few examples.

 

Better still, why not mirror her behaviour for a week or two and see how she reacts?

 

That is what I am doing right now. With a guy I will tell you about later^^^. He is not acting interested enough so I am acting the same way:lmao:

[Axee]

This girl has you on her beck and call.. Pull back a little.

[Pisces13]

Yeah, I really don't know what she is playing at...

 

After our first 3 dates she was super keen to go out again, texting me right after the date to organize the next, then it's like the last 3 weeks she hasn't seemed as interested, although she still initiates texts and plans with me.

 

She really doesn't give much away at all, she is a very guarded sort of person. Her ex boyfriend cheated on her than dumped her, so I'm pretty sure that is most of the reason for that, however I've given her no reason to suggest I would ever do anything like that to her and I've been nothing but great to her.

 

Women hey? lol.

[CptSaveAho]

 

She has told me in text's before though that I should "kiss her much more" and that she is "shy and doesn't initiate things".

 

She gave you the key to the castle, you have yet to use it.

 

I dont know about you, but when Im standing by a locked door with a key, I usually put the key in the lock and turn it and it typically opens up

 

/facepalm button

 

Quit being a pansey... stop texting her and kiss her

[Pisces13]

She gave you the key to the castle, you have yet to use it.

 

I dont know about you, but when Im standing by a locked door with a key, I usually put the key in the lock and turn it and it typically opens up

 

/facepalm button

 

Quit being a pansey... stop texting her and kiss her

 

I do kiss her, just obviously not as much as she wants. Although like I said, she doesn't really give me much indication that she is keen for it. Lying there texting her friend and then falling asleep 5 minutes after she is off the phone is kind of a buzz kill...

[CptSaveAho]

I do kiss her, just obviously not as much as she wants. Although like I said, she doesn't really give me much indication that she is keen for it. Lying there texting her friend and then falling asleep 5 minutes after she is off the phone is kind of a buzz kill...

 

if i was a chick and some guy was laying in my bed and doing nothing, id get bored too and text my friend and then fall asleep.

 

Youve been on 12 dates? laying in the girls bed? and you didnt have sex with her?

 

Young jedi, the fault lies with you and only you... SHE TOLD YOU SHES SHY AND DOESNT INITIATE THINGS

[Pisces13]

if i was a chick and some guy was laying in my bed and doing nothing, id get bored too and text my friend and then fall asleep.

 

No, I walked in to her room and jumped into bed, she laid down on me, grabbed her phone and started texting for like 10 or 15 minutes. Literally 5 minutes after she put her phone down she was asleep...

 

I'm not afraid to make a move at all, and typically I would've had sex with her weeks ago, this is the longest I've ever gone dating a girl without having sex. I actually had every intention of doing so that night, it was just a buzz kill getting there and she jumps straight on her phone. It made me feel like what the hell am I even doing here? It definitely killed the mood for me.

 

And I'm not asking for her to literally just turn to me and say "let's have sex", but she does nothing. Even getting her to snuggle up to me I have to say "come here". She doesn't do anything like snuggle closer, or put her arm around me or anything like that. Just something small like that would make me feel more at ease, it just leaves me feeling like she is afraid to let herself go or something.

[crude]

If she says you're sexy and near perfect, then she should be jumping your bones. Since she isn't, it's up to you to be more aggressive and jump hers. FWB isn't bad btw, it beats frustration and friendzone.

[Imajerk17]

You probably got friend-zoned your last date, sorry to have to say.

 

Here's the thing OP. It's on us as men to set the tone and move things forward. Yes I got that she started texting her friend as soon as she got in bed with you. I'm not sure that's a legitimate excuse though. Why didn't you gently take the phone out of her hand and make a move? What about the next morning? You gotta take control.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Imajerk17

[TB Rhine]

I have to say, having gone back and read back through the thread a little more carefully, I'm starting to get the mixed messages the OP is talking about.

 

On the one hand, you admit to lying in bed with her on more than one occasion, and say she falls asleep "before you have a chance to make a move." Umm... how long does it take, exactly? Not trying to poke fun, as I have weaknesses in this area myself, but you have to stop making excuses, man. If she's got time to fall into bed with you, you've got time to roll over and start going to town.

 

She also apparently encourages you to "kiss her more" and so on, so that's a good sign. The ignoring of flirtatious comments over text or whatever is troublesome, though - I find that often a girl will try to breeze over such comments if she's not interested, though most girls won't directly confront you about it. So just keep in mind that silence doesn't necessarily mean consent, there.

[clia]

Why didn't you have any plans with her for the weekend? I would be turned off if a guy I had been out with 11-12 times wasn't locking me down for plans over the weekend. I tend to agree with some of the others that you may have friendzoned yourself through inaction.

[Axee]

You guys are getting it wrong..

OP has intuitively felt something is not right and thats why he has posted it here..

 

Laying on him , texting and then falling asleep.. I see this as extreme casualness.. OP felt she doesnt care enough and is trying to tell us in all his posts..

 

Read his posts , she has been flaky couple of times..How old is she OP?

 

having said that , you can still initiate physical contact with her and see what happens next...

[Lansing]

You should have done one of few things when she started texting

 

1) grab the phone and put it on the nightstand and say "you can deal with this later" and start making out with her

 

2) just started making out with her and then grab her phone and put it away without saying anything

 

 

Even after finishing to text you still didn't initiate and she fell asleep.

 

She is wondering why you aren't making moves!

 

I had a situation when I was younger, a girl who was slightly older than me, had invited me back to her place on more than one occasion... Each time I would escalate a bit more but I was still so "amature" in not taking action (she definitely wanted me) but at the time I didn't have the experience so I didn't know if I wanted her to be my first/how far to go with her/etc/etc. In retrospect I was an idiot.

 

However, you said you normally sleep with girls a lot earlier so if that is the case don't wait for feedback just do it and if she stops you then stop..

 

To be honest, probably a lost cause at this point. Just pull back completely. Don't have a "conversation" with her, that will just make you look weak.

[Pisces13]

You guys are getting it wrong..

OP has intuitively felt something is not right and thats why he has posted it here..

 

Laying on him , texting and then falling asleep.. I see this as extreme casualness.. OP felt she doesnt care enough and is trying to tell us in all his posts..

 

Read his posts , she has been flaky couple of times..How old is she OP?

 

having said that , you can still initiate physical contact with her and see what happens next...

 

Thank you, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. This is a girl I really like, not some girl I'm just trying to bang. She had a bad experience with her ex who cheated on her and then dumped her, so her trust level in men isn't exactly sky high, so I've been trying hard to show her that I'm not going to mess her around. I had already asked her about being my girlfriend after 3 weeks dating, and she said "not yet". Coupled with not playing along with my flirty texts and not really making any effort of her own to be affectionate with me, I guess I just figured she wanted to take things slow. She had also told me a couple of times before that she loves "snuggling up watching movies" like we've been doing, so that is why I haven't really pressed the issue.

 

I definitely agree that I could've made more of an effort to initiate with her when laying in bed (when we've gone out on dates I always initiate kissing her, holding her hand etc.), but I guess I just over thought the whole situation between us. I very obviously misread it.

 

She has given me very mixed signals over the last few weeks though, so that has been playing in my mind. I would actually find myself thinking to myself while we were laying together "what the hell does this girl want?" lol.

 

I'm definitely not trying to make excuses though, and I really appreciate everyone's feedback, just trying to get some opinions is all!

[Pisces13]

Here's the thing OP. It's on us as men to set the tone and move things forward. Yes I got that she started texting her friend as soon as she got in bed with you. I'm not sure that's a legitimate excuse though. Why didn't you gently take the phone out of her hand and make a move? What about the next morning? You gotta take control.

 

Well actually, about that... the friend she was texting just found out the day before that she is pregnant to some jerk guy that she knows. They were texting each other about whether she was going to keep the baby or not.

 

So yeah, that was the other mood killer...

[Axee]

So did she reply to your text?

 

Why dont you ask her out and then make a move that will clear things once for all

[Pisces13]

So did she reply to your text?

 

Why dont you ask her out and then make a move that will clear things once for all

 

Nope, haven't heard from her since Friday night. I texted her again today just asking how she was just to see if I would get a response, but nothing. Pretty safe to say it's done and dusted now, considering we had been texting each other every day for the last 8 weeks.

 

Oh well, live and learn! I really liked this girl but I'm not upset about it, more disappointed than anything, as I felt like I was on to something good. This was the first girl I had dated since my ex dumped me anyway, so chalk it up as a learning experience I guess.

[forgetmenot75]

She completely lost her interest in you. I'd probably do the same. You need to be more driven/aggressive. She texts for 10 minutes and the falls asleep? She was tired and bored. I'd never fall asleep if I'm with someone I really like.

 

I'm sorry, I think you just didn't show yourself as a sexual person, I consider 12 dates to much without sex (I don't know how old are you, I'm in my 30s) and she probably thought you were not interested sexually on her.

[MidwestUSA]

I've heard of people being rude on dates and texting. But, in bed? You should have yanked that phone from her hand and thrown it into the wall, preferably hard enough to break it. Then proceed as others have advised.

 

Or, does this chick have narcolepsy by chance? Could she now be in the 56th hour of a long, deep sleep?

 

 

So sorry you went through this. She sounds confused, confusing, both.

[Pisces13]

She completely lost her interest in you. I'd probably do the same. You need to be more driven/aggressive. She texts for 10 minutes and the falls asleep? She was tired and bored. I'd never fall asleep if I'm with someone I really like.

 

I'm sorry, I think you just didn't show yourself as a sexual person, I consider 12 dates to much without sex (I don't know how old are you, I'm in my 30s) and she probably thought you were not interested sexually on her.

 

She has a pretty hectic job, even when we went out on our first couple of dates as soon as we met up she would say stuff like "I'm so tired tonight".

 

I think I have shown that I am sexually interested in her. I have told her numerous times how sexy I think she is, how attracted to her I am, that she has a great body, nice boobs and a great ass. When we went out the weekend before I was making out with her the whole night, kissing her neck, grabbing her ass, smacking it etc. When I was at her place last week she had a shower and came out wearing a towel, she said "I should find some clothes to put on" and I replied saying "Or you can stay naked, I don't mind" and she just gave me this "very funny" look. Like I said, I understand that I'm supposed to initiate things, but I still think she could make more of an effort to show that she is interested, or what she wants. I'm not a mind reader.

 

She ended up replying to the text message that I sent her yesterday though, ironically as I was in the middle of texting another girl who's number I just got given

[forgetmenot75]

I think she showed enough for you to realize you should have been more sexually aggressive. I guess in the end she got tired of waiting.