Is falling in love a choice?

[thecharade]

Certainly acting on that emotion IS a choice, but is having the emotion a choice? If a married person falls for someone at work but never acts on it, did he/she make a choice to allow those feelings in the first place? And if a single person falls for a charismatic married colleague, did he/she make a "choice" to have those feelings? Are feelings wrong, or just actions?

 

I blame married people (and I'm married) for falling for other people when their hearts are supposedly Unavailable. I blame them far more than I blame single people because their hearts are not already taken; their hearts are open wide, so the love dart may hit the wrong target.

[aspiringuitarheroine]

If you spend enough time with a person you like and admire and are attracted to, then shutting down those feelings is pretty impossible.

 

As you said, acting on them is different. But falling in love is part proximity, part attraction and admiration, and part hormones overriding your logic. You can only control your reaction to it.

 

It's not anybody's fault. Anyone who thinks we are only capable of loving one person at a time is deluded. It's a perfect storm that creates attraction in someone whose heart is supposedly taken. Monogamy is not our default setting, it is a choice, just like acting on feelings of desire is a choice.

Edited August 11, 2013 by aspiringuitarheroine

[MissBee]

Having an attraction and being in love aren't the same.

 

You can't control being attracted to someone and fancying them, esp if you're around them often.

 

Being in love is different, however, as it requires a deeper investment and spending time with someone and developing that emotional and romantic feeling. It's a lot more conscious or at least is a result of deliberate actions. You can't just be in love out of nowhere. Even in dating, most people know they like someone or are attracted to them the first few dates, but aren't in love until they have spent more time investing in this person. So to get to the point of being in love with someone other than your spouse means you've crossed so many boundaries already and are already in an EA and are emotionally investing more than appropriate with someone else....as you don't go to work and just fall in love with a coworker by instant magic or based on the day to day work contact. You can be attracted to them yes, but to be all the way in love means you've been interacting in an inappropriate way for a while.

Edited August 11, 2013 by MissBee

[thefooloftheyear]

Having an attraction and being in love aren't the same.

 

You can't control being attracted to someone and fancying them, esp if you're around them often.

 

Being in love is different, however, as it requires a deeper investment and spending time with someone and developing that emotional and romantic feeling. It's a lot more conscious or at least is a result of deliberate actions. You can't just be in love out of nowhere. Even in dating, most people know they like someone or are attracted to them the first few dates, but aren't in love until they have spent more time investing in this person. So to get to the point of being in love with someone other than your spouse means you've crossed so many boundaries already and are already in an EA and are emotionally investing more than appropriate with someone else....as you don't go to work and just fall in love with a coworker by instant magic or based on the day to day work contact. You can be attracted to them yes, but to be all the way in love means you've been interacting in an inappropriate way for a while.

 

 

Well said....

 

I think some women are susceptible to fall into this trap more than men do..Its "romanticizing" a simple crush...

 

Knowing boundaries and stciking to them are what keeps one out of trouble..

 

TFY

[MissBee]

Well said....

I think some women are susceptible to fall into this trap more than men do..Its "romanticizing" a simple crush...

 

Knowing boundaries and stciking to them are what keeps one out of trouble..

 

TFY

 

I was gonna also mention that, that some people seem to use "in love" very freely, even someone they just met they say they are in love with them, when it's more accurately just an infatuation and romanticized crush, as you said. And the funny part is, the more you tell yourself you're in love with them and romanticize it, the more you truly feel that way, even if you don't even know them that well.

 

Even if I really like a man, it can take months sometimes for me to feel I know him well enough to declare I'm in love. So when I hear "We started the affair because we fell in love" I'm like ummm what...how does that work? You just met them and fell in love like that and then had an affair, without any form of feeding of the attraction inappropriately overtime for a while leading up? Unlikely.

[Goodbye]

Certainly acting on that emotion IS a choice, but is having the emotion a choice? If a married person falls for someone at work but never acts on it, did he/she make a choice to allow those feelings in the first place? And if a single person falls for a charismatic married colleague, did he/she make a "choice" to have those feelings? Are feelings wrong, or just actions?

 

I blame married people (and I'm married) for falling for other people when their hearts are supposedly Unavailable. I blame them far more than I blame single people because their hearts are not already taken; their hearts are open wide, so the love dart may hit the wrong target.

 

 

The heart wants what the heart wants. The brain can override the heart and you can control whether you act upon your emotions. I have learned that you can also minimize feelings for another by consciously blocking them from your mind (thought control) and filling your life as much as possible with other things.

 

By the way...I COMPLETELY agree with your assessment of the allocation of "blame". I know it is an unpopular opinion on this site...but shouldn't happily married people have their hearts filled for the one to whom they are committed?

[truthbetold]

Yep, it's a choice. and if you need to qualify my opinion I'm not on either side of the fence of ow/bs.

 

Not only is the falling in love part a choice but most definitely "staying in love" and that part takes more effort much like you have to water and tend to a garden to let it grow so is love.

 

Love is not a feeling but a verb, you show love with your actions and what you do. You "choose" to nurture that bond and feed it with actions that support it to grow including great communication. In the reverse you can "choose" to let it starve and die. That's the "work" part of marriage that some are not mature enough to understand. The love or in love lust feelings ebb and flow. It wouldn't be healthy to be in that state 24/7, nothing would ever get done except staying in bed! But that doesn't mean that once you have been married for X amount of years that the "in love" or lusting completely stops either. In a healthy marriage it shouldn't. But that's where it takes the conscious effort and choices of doing nurturing actions outside the bedroom.

 

That's what always makes me smh when women here will say "but he loves me...." and no offense but they don't have the first clue of "true love"

 

True love doesn't leave you for dead, doesn't cause you pain while he "chooses" another to go home to another, it doesn't make you second by cancelling plans because something more important came up in his real life, true love wouldn't hide you or try to gaslight you and most definitely true love would not have you question or second guess yourself. True love wouldn't have someone crying in their bed for even one night because the selfish choice of another choosing someone else. Someone that does that is not capable of "true love". Only what is good for them in the moment. True love is not selfish.

 

True love for another doesn't cause conflicting behavior, selfish love for self does that. Too many take the beginning feelings of limerence and infatuation and the lustful feelings and convince themselves it's love when that's not love at all.

[Sarabi]

Certainly acting on that emotion IS a choice, but is having the emotion a choice? If a married person falls for someone at work but never acts on it, did he/she make a choice to allow those feelings in the first place? And if a single person falls for a charismatic married colleague, did he/she make a "choice" to have those feelings? Are feelings wrong, or just actions?

 

I blame married people (and I'm married) for falling for other people when their hearts are supposedly Unavailable. I blame them far more than I blame single people because their hearts are not already taken; their hearts are open wide, so the love dart may hit the wrong target.

 

As a single person using loveshack let me take the married one out of the equation

Is it wrong to have those feelings? Well...as a previous other yes, of course it was wrong and it was wrong to act on them.

Did I make a choice? Well...I must have because as a single person I can know he is/isn't married. So...I should have known that talking to married people at work is something which is not required of me and of course the poor man didn't know that I, hideous single woman would develop feelings for him.

Are feelings wrong? Hmmmmm...for the married person, yes maybe. Although I don't know.

You can't realistically tell anyone what to think or feel that is ludicrous.

They should be content and happy and not looking at anyone else in the world because they are already committed. Isn't that so? or is that not how it works...I doubt people (unless they are in abusive relationships) places those demands on a partner anyway.

For the single person...now if I was married and other girls were finding my husband attractive but "he chose to be with me" and he never entertained any attention from them...would that not be a really nice compliment in some ways? I know what I am saying might not sound right but I know what I mean(!) I mean it in a "oh this is your husband? You're so lucky" kinda way. The same way older people tell younger ones "oh if I was twenty years younger...I would have loved to have met you" are you all understanding me? This is different to being single and getting involved with the married person, I am not talking about that

Hmmmm...not sure about blaming married people more than single people...I get the distinct feeling that the majority will say it is the other way round ...

Interesting that you say the married ones are "supposedly unavailable". Well...I believe someone was making this point in another thread, that to be married does not necessairly mean they are unavailable...but I think most ended up disagreeing with that poster.

[Sarabi]

Yep, it's a choice. and if you need to qualify my opinion I'm not on either side of the fence of ow/bs.

 

Not only is the falling in love part a choice but most definitely "staying in love" and that part takes more effort much like you have to water and tend to a garden to let it grow so is love.

 

Love is not a feeling but a verb, you show love with your actions and what you do. You "choose" to nurture that bond and feed it with actions that support it to grow including great communication. In the reverse you can "choose" to let it starve and die. That's the "work" part of marriage that some are not mature enough to understand. The love or in love lust feelings ebb and flow. It wouldn't be healthy to be in that state 24/7, nothing would ever get done except staying in bed! But that doesn't mean that once you have been married for X amount of years that the "in love" or lusting completely stops either. In a healthy marriage it shouldn't. But that's where it takes the conscious effort and choices of doing nurturing actions outside the bedroom.

 

That's what always makes me smh when women here will say "but he loves me...." and no offense but they don't have the first clue of "true love"

 

True love doesn't leave you for dead, doesn't cause you pain while he "chooses" another to go home to another, it doesn't make you second by cancelling plans because something more important came up in his real life, true love wouldn't hide you or try to gaslight you and most definitely true love would not have you question or second guess yourself. True love wouldn't have someone crying in their bed for even one night because the selfish choice of another choosing someone else. Someone that does that is not capable of "true love". Only what is good for them in the moment. True love is not selfish.

 

True love for another doesn't cause conflicting behavior, selfish love for self does that. Too many take the beginning feelings of limerence and infatuation and the lustful feelings and convince themselves it's love when that's not love at all.

 

Thank you for this. Very interesting read you make some excellent points.

[soccerrprp]

I agree with Sarabi is so many ways, BUT, all of those ACTIONS come after you've "fallen" for someone. My thinking is that when you involuntarily fall in love with someone, the acts that follow will show just how genuine that feeling is. It happens ALL the time. People becoming infatuated with, then the feelings grow into something greater based on nothing more than a few days or weeks or months of being him/her. The ACTS are the signs of love, not love itself.

 

If you LOVE, truly LOVE, someone, Sarabi has it right. You will see the fruits of that LOVE. But I certainly did not "choose" or analytically decide to fall in love with my late wife only after 2-weeks of dating (likely sooner than that).

[jlola]

Johnny Cash said it well.

 

"I Walk The Line"

 

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

I keep my eyes wide open all the time

I keep the ends out for the tie that binds

Because you're mine, I walk the line

[Silly_Girl]

Certainly acting on that emotion IS a choice, but is having the emotion a choice? If a married person falls for someone at work but never acts on it, did he/she make a choice to allow those feelings in the first place? And if a single person falls for a charismatic married colleague, did he/she make a "choice" to have those feelings? Are feelings wrong, or just actions?

 

I blame married people (and I'm married) for falling for other people when their hearts are supposedly Unavailable. I blame them far more than I blame single people because their hearts are not already taken; their hearts are open wide, so the love dart may hit the wrong target.

 

I saw this earlier but wanted to think about it.

 

I don't think I could fall in love accidentally. To fall in love I have to get to know someone, spend time with them, open myself to them and vice versa. I couldn't fall in love with someone by looking at them, or by watching them from afar at work, it would require some actions from me. So therefore I'm a willing participant.

[MissBee]

The heart wants what the heart wants. The brain can override the heart and you can control whether you act upon your emotions. I have learned that you can also minimize feelings for another by consciously blocking them from your mind (thought control) and filling your life as much as possible with other things.

 

By the way...I COMPLETELY agree with your assessment of the allocation of "blame". I know it is an unpopular opinion on this site...but shouldn't happily married people have their hearts filled for the one to whom they are committed?

 

We're capable of being attracted to and having feelings for more than one person at a time, esp if you've been with one a long time and the early romantic high has worn off and the other is new with those new highs which naturally feel good, exciting and different.

 

Monogamy is the choice and choosing to not feed other attractions is what you do if you've chosen to be monogamous. Some married people do not choose monogamy, and are free to pursue other attraction when they occur. But marriage doesn't mean you can no longer develop attraction and feelings for others if you put yourself into the situation.

 

I agree with minimizing feelings, which is similar to alexandria's point, which is that you do have some control about if you let yourself fall in love or continue to be in love. There are ways to actively decrease that likelihood.

[thefooloftheyear]

The heart wants what the heart wants. The brain can override the heart and you can control whether you act upon your emotions. I have learned that you can also minimize feelings for another by consciously blocking them from your mind (thought control) and filling your life as much as possible with other things.

 

By the way...I COMPLETELY agree with your assessment of the allocation of "blame". I know it is an unpopular opinion on this site...but shouldn't happily married people have their hearts filled for the one to whom they are committed?

 

 

Under ideal conditions, you are correct..

 

Ive contended that women are too idealistic and therefore this is the reason they bail out on marriages..Right or wrong? I cant really say..

 

Some peopls(not saying anyone in particular)..are constantly chasing some "ideal" situation..They will leave an otherwise good marriage and run off with someone else, only to discover that after the unicorns and rainbows subside...its just the "same old same old" Then the cycle begins all over again...

 

It seems like I have taked to a lot of men lately that are regretting leaving their wives....They have a lot of remorse and feel like what they were chasing doesnt compare with who they left...Its unfortunate, because in most cases you cant go back..the damage is done...

 

TFY

[MissBee]

Under ideal conditions, you are correct..

 

Ive contended that women are too idealistic and therefore this is the reason they bail out on marriages..Right or wrong? I cant really say..

 

Some peopls(not saying anyone in particular)..are constantly chasing some "ideal" situation..They will leave an otherwise good marriage and run off with someone else, only to discover that after the unicorns and rainbows subside...its just the "same old same old" Then the cycle begins all over again...

 

It seems like I have taked to a lot of men lately that are regretting leaving their wives....They have a lot of remorse and feel like what they were chasing doesnt compare with who they left...Its unfortunate, because in most cases you cant go back..the damage is done...

 

TFY

 

I think lots of people are this way...men included.

 

One of my exes was this way. He had a very idealized and unrealistic idea of love and relationships and essentially lived for the high of new romance but didn't have a clue how to sustain love and the actual relationship beyond when everything was shiny and new. He was a sprinter and not a long distance runner, so was his dad I found out, who was on his third marriage when we were dating, the current wife at the time only about 3 years older than my ex!

 

When I met my ex and started dating, he told me he had been divorced for a year, he was 25, but that he only married because they had a child together, and the marriage lasted 2 years, and he really tried but couldn't do it and he was never in love with her. At the time I felt it was off but thought, okay, you were young, I get it. After about a month of seeing each other he declared he was in love...I wasn't there yet, but talked myself into it smh. That lasted a few months, during which he wanted to marry me, have babies, said I should move in when I graduate college. Long story short, after all that, then he was out of love, then back and forth about it and then I ended it completely. Then he had a new gf about 2 months later, and he's sooo in love again. 3 months pass...break up, everything is wrong with her, finds new woman shortly, in love again...this happens about 4 more times, then he gets another gf, and in less than a year he was married again. He told me before all that, that he fell in love easily and fell out easily. I have no clue how his marriage will fare...but I know he is the prime example of a person who pretty much falls in love at the drop of a hat, without knowing someone, and romanticizes the person, as he did with me, then it wears off and he is out of love and on to the next.

[zevahc]

I'm a single...fOM (fighting to feel like I've earned the f in fOM). I know that I'm to blame for my actions..but it was xMW that revealed how she felt for me out of her feelings. I would have never approached her even though I felt the same way. 2 years later I realize she had her own issues she wasn't facing...still hasn't...but doesn't change that I love her now...and I know she loves me...but without action....it's pointless.

[2sure]

I'm certainly not a moral pillar, and I've been involved with unavailable partners.

 

I've been strongly attracted to , physically and emotionally, many people in my life....that I didn't develope a relationship with by choice because it ultimately wasn't good for me, part of my plan, or was otherwise a bad idea.

 

All the time.

[findingnemo]

Certainly acting on that emotion IS a choice, but is having the emotion a choice? If a married person falls for someone at work but never acts on it, did he/she make a choice to allow those feelings in the first place? And if a single person falls for a charismatic married colleague, did he/she make a "choice" to have those feelings? Are feelings wrong, or just actions?

 

I blame married people (and I'm married) for falling for other people when their hearts are supposedly Unavailable. I blame them far more than I blame single people because their hearts are not already taken; their hearts are open wide, so the love dart may hit the wrong target.

 

Being in love is not wrong. Loving someone can never ever be wrong. It can be painful. It can be disastrous for you but wrong? No. The rest is a choice and those can be the right ones or the wrong ones.

 

When we first meet someone and there is chemistry, that's all there is. We then get to know the person by interacting with him/her. When dating, things are much clearer because each person knows why they are there. It is clearly a time for assessment with the view of having a R. When we interact with people in a non-dating setting, things can get tricky. For example, colleagues at work, people in the gym, fellow church goers, a neighbour, etc. One can actually interact with someone for so long that feelings begin to develop. One sees in that person the kind of man or woman for them. And that's usually how As begin... I don't know anybody (I've heard they exist though) who wakes up in the morning and says "Let me go find a MM today" or "I so desperately need a MW, why don't I go snag Mr. BH's W?"

 

Many times in As, the two parties don't actually do anything physical for a long time and yet the feelings persist. Many times the two parties begin by avoiding inappropriate contact. They question themselves, wondering why they feel the way they do but they underestimate how strong the urge can become. They assume they have things under control. Isn't that why when someone comes to LS saying they are attracted to another person we tell them to tell their spouse? The logic is that once the spouse is aware, he/she will put more effort into their partner who will then forget about the other person. Also the potential cheater now has someone policing them and at that point still values that person. But let me ask you this, how many couples are communicating so well that one of them can actually tell the other about an attraction to someone else? How many people are lucky enough to know to look for a place like LS where they will get that advice? Very very few. I bet some people here will engage in As in the future. They know better but taking the advice to tell on themselves is like telling a bank robber to go tell the police his plans. Keeping the attraction secret is the first "wrong" action and is often what enables a person to cheat. Once there's secrecy there is simply nothing to stop someone from scratching the itch eventually.

 

When it comes to assigning blame for the A, I find it odd that anyone would blame the single AP. How does that work exactly? It is one thing to tell the AP that what they are doing will end up hurting him or her or that they are wasting precious time and effort on someone who will never be theirs and is probably not suitable for them anyway. But blame? That lies squarely on the shoulders of the MP. The only people who are qualified to assign blame are those who have been hurt by a situation. Everybody else can state their opinion but it is not their place to lay blame. A BS can lay blame. The kids in the M can blame someone. All others are spectators who suffer zero consequences in terms of betrayal and disappointment. But so many people are willing to join the crowd chanting "Stone her/him". Only the BS and/or kids can demand a stoning and try to carry it out.

 

As for who gets "stoned"? It is obvious. The WS. Many BS don't care who the OM/OW is unless they exhibit bunny boiler characteristics. Ultimately the blame is on the one who made the vows, the one who lied, the one who gas lighted his/her family, the one betrayed his/her loved ones. Any BS who blames the other person is barking up the wrong tree.

[ComingInHot]

I don't think one can help the chemical/physical attraction that happens upon meeting others.

It's what people choose to do with that attraction. Do they have boundaries in place and stick to those boundaries by therefore Not feeding the initial attraction that would allow for falling "in-love"?

What you feed is what will grow.

 

As far as "the blame game" goes? I think it's SH$TTY when a person cheats on their spouse. They are totally to blame!

I think it's SH$TTY when a person sleeps with and builds an A w/a person they KNOW is M! They are totally to blame. (but honestly, the anger & pain I had was more at my H. What a @$!#&!).

 

I can't stand it that a M'd person feels such a sense of entitlement that they open up a position for an AP in the first place!! That just kills me every time!!!!

[georgia girl]

Certainly acting on that emotion IS a choice, but is having the emotion a choice? If a married person falls for someone at work but never acts on it, did he/she make a choice to allow those feelings in the first place? And if a single person falls for a charismatic married colleague, did he/she make a "choice" to have those feelings? Are feelings wrong, or just actions?

 

I blame married people (and I'm married) for falling for other people when their hearts are supposedly Unavailable. I blame them far more than I blame single people because their hearts are not already taken; their hearts are open wide, so the love dart may hit the wrong target.

 

I think falling in love is a choice. I've met people in my life to whom I've been strongly attracted but for many reasons didn't choose to pursue a relationship with that person. Because I don't believe in instantaneous love at first site, the lack of pursuit means that there was no opportunity to fall in love with someone, despite the attraction.

 

To me, it all comes down to being smart about who you will and will not get into a relationship with. Someone could be nearly everything you're looking for, but if he/she isn't ready, willing and able to make the commitment you're looking for, then don't set yourself up for disaster. That's not to say that I always dated with the prospect of marriage in mind. But, my rules were clear: no matter how casual - one partner at a time. If you wanted more, it seemed stupid to me to set myself up for that kind of pain so I simply walked away. No sense getting invested when the other person wasn't putting up the same emotional clout.

 

So, yes, love is a choice. You choose someone who could be a good partner first. Then, maybe or not you'll fall in love. If you do, great. You set yourself up for the relationship to work for a lifetime. If you don't, you earned great memories and if you handle the exit well - with grace and dignity - you've got a real chance to keep a good friend.

 

As for who is more to "blame" in an affair? I blame both persons equally for deciding to pursue a relationship that's unbalanced. However, I see where the single partner definitely suffers more. That breaks my heart. I remember being single very well. It can be a great time, but a lonely time. Therefore, the selfishness of married partners absolutely slays me. So, I guess I do blame them more for continuing the relationship than I would the single person. The single person has found love. The married person already had it but wanted more.

 

My thoughts...

 

GG

[Pierre]

I've been strongly attracted to , physically and emotionally, many people in my life....that I didn't develope a relationship with by choice because it ultimately wasn't good for me, part of my plan, or was otherwise a bad idea.

 

Exactly!

 

 

Not acting on our feelings is what makes humans different from other animals.

[thecharade]

I've been giving this a lot of thought. A lot.

 

My AP was not a random dude or colleague, he was a first love. Did I choose to stay in love with him for the many years we were apart? Or did it just happen, was he that special? For two decades I thought I had no choice, but my mind is changing. (Happy to see myself learning and growing after almost 5 decades on this earth.)

 

So, then can I choose to fall out of love with my ex? And choose to fall back in love with my H? It sure would make life easier and more just.

 

Have others done this, made a choice to kill feelings over 'here' and resurrect feelings over 'there'? And is that what single OPs will need to do to move on? Is it really and truly simply about making that choice?

[findingnemo]

I don't think it works like that, thecharade. At least IME. I personally don't subscribe to the theory that one can fall in love many times in life. I know too many people who have loved one person and that is it. They never love another. This could explain why you kept loving your ex for years.

 

You can make a choice to be faithful to your H but you can't force yourself to stop loving the other person. Why don't you just make peace with how you feel about him? Loving someone doesn't mean you must sleep with them or even see them. Embrace your feelings for him but end the A.

[findingnemo]

I don't think it works like that, thecharade. At least IME. I personally don't subscribe to the theory that one can fall in love many times in life. I know too many people who have loved one person and that is it. They never love another. This could explain why you kept loving your ex for years.

 

You can make a choice to be faithful to your H but you can't force yourself to stop loving the other person. Why don't you just make peace with how you feel about him? Loving someone doesn't mean you must sleep with them or even see them. Embrace your feelings for him but end the A.

 

I should have said maintain your stance of not continuing the A. How is your battle with yourself going? I read old threads and at some point you were convinced you had stopped loving him.

 

I have been through that. I decided he had done A, B and C and psyched myself into being angry. It worked for bit. I honestly thought I was over him. I got M and settled down. My mind then started playing tricks on me. Dreams, random thoughts, memories would pop up seemingly out of the blue. I had no choice but to accept my feelings for him. I realized that even if someone really hurts you, you can keep loving them. However I chose to protect myself from the crazy making that is being in an A.

 

Here is an answer to your question. Is it wrong for a M person to love someone else if they don't act on it? No, it isn't. But I believe it is wrong to be with someone while loving another. Obviously you love your H but is he aware that you also love your ex? Is he aware that your feelings for your ex are much greater and more intense than you feelings for him? From what I read, your H still doesn't know about the A, right?

 

I have decided to tell my dates the truth if they ask me if I have ever been in love. I tell them I have and that I still am. I always receive puzzled looks from them but I am no longer interested in lying to myself and other people. I figure I've been truthful and the date can proceed at their own risk.

[waterwoman]

I 'fall in love' easily. I have a tendency to find random people attractive and think about them a lot in a minor way for a few weeks. Then it fades. It helps to pass the time at work But I now never take it further. Even if I can see the feeling is mutual. I did once - many many years ago and it was uneccessarily unpleasant in the end. That is why I didn't mind H 'falling in love' with his OW as much as many people here seem to expect. I knew it would pass and it did. The problem is because he did take it further and she was willing to do so. It went from 'falling in love' to love....and that hurt me a lot. Love is what makes you care for and care about someone long-term. Love is the bedrock of a relationship that makes you put up with difficulties and problems, and makes you stay the course. I think it's easy to fall in love and you can't help that. It is possible to stop the falling in love bit from becoming real love and once that is there it's hard to root it out of your heart. However fwiw I don't noew think H did really love her - he'd have been in more pain over the last 13 months if he had.