whites7 Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 Quite frankly, I can't see a day two. I feel I have lost everything, that my very soul has been ripped apart and there will only ever be despair, pain and heartache. I thought, I really thought that she was the one, that we would be together forever. It is Thursday lunchtime. I'm in the pub barely coping. I have just posted a letter to her telling her how I loved her and how I want to meet up and talk things through, to work it out, to rebuild my dreams, to be alive again and in love. So now I must wait. I have to wait to see if my life will ever be the same again or wether I am going to have lost it all. My dreams, my hopes, happiness......and right now, sanity. Yeah, dramatic stuff, melodrama...but my hell in my words for what feels like forever. It's been six days. I don't remember the first two, the next two are just a vague hazy image of absolute pain, a pure dark searing pain. Then it got worse. And so that is where I am now. I see my pain, I acknowledge it and it hurts me more and more. I thought things would get better with time. Instead they have got worse. The pain and desolation has deepened. Yesterday I went to work. Today I had vodka for breakfast. Why? Because of those words that are burned into my soul, killing me letter by letter....."I can't give you what you want".... Like I want this, to kill myself but don't deserve to die, like I want to feel total utter consuming despair, like I want to feel the dawn of a new day filling me with dread, like I want to see you everywhere, I think of you, I dream of you and the more I do, the more it hurts. And with every memory, every thought I want to die a little more. But I can't.....I want to...but I can't. Why? I wish I knew. I wish I knew the answer to a lot of things....why you gave up on me is top of my list.....but it's a list that goes back years. Was I born to be tormented by this all consuming pain? If so, why? What did I do to deserve this? In this life anyway, I am a caring, loving, king, veggie, sorted (kinda) romantic person with only a good word for all, and who wants to help all they can. to make the world a better place. Is that why? Am I too nice? Am I too sensitive? Am I too soft, loving, caring.....are we as a race evolving into those that just don't care anymore? Am I loosing out through natural selection then? A looser to the so called modern Neanderthals....am I defunct as a man who feels and cares? Is there no place left for those that feel things as deeply as I do, if there isn't then why was I born? Surely not some cruel joke? I want to die but I won't, I don't seem to fit into this callous world but I have little choice but to exist within it. Feeling all, hurting for everything. My body is shaking, my heart is hurting, I am a mess. So, after a few vodka's, a few pints, followed by recriminations, followed by tears, followed by self-loathing....what next? Drinking to oblivion hasn't helped (much!!!). General "wisdom" ha ha ha ha....says accept it, deal with it, move on. Ok, let's look at that. Accept what? My life is over, my dreams are gone? Deal with what...get some excercise, talk to someone who pretends they care... Move on....why and where? I want what I had not what I may have? Move to the next place where I will be built up to dream of happiness? To move to a place that makes every minute of every day unbelievable joyfull. To move to a place where life itself has smiled on you........THEN drops you down, kills, you, blackness, nothing but blackness, cruel, cold...no, sorry I don't want to move on to that. The ideas, accept, deal, move on! If that is all modern psychology has to offer then we are a doomed species. Mental health is paramount to everything we do, it defines us as a species, we think, we care, we are... There is another way, no gods, no drugs, no booze (ok bit hypicritical here!!). I don't know it yet but lets look at it: Modern wisdom: 1). Kill yourself 2). Accept it, deal with it, move on Quite honestly if that is all several thousand years has come up with then we are doomed. People kill themselves, people die, people suffer in ways we can't imagine.....option 1) or 2).....nah.... There has to be more. I had a dream, a simple dream. It had love, happiness, kids, ....stopping to stop crying.....fulfillment. If all that is now turned into a 1) and 2)...four characters.....no. That wasn't my life and dreams. That isn't my life and dreams.. Calmness is setting in....unfortunately only because of the booze coursing through my veinds and dulling my mind......sweet sweet booze....people tell me you are evil......right now you are my only friend...sh*t that sucks!
Pocky Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 Your dreams shouldn't be centered around one person. Your dreams are not lost because you lost her; your dreams are lost because you lost yourself a long time ago.
JamVan Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 Hey whites, I can see your hurting beyond belief. Let me ask you a question? Did she give you any reasons why "She can't give you what you want?"? Reason I ask is I too have been told these same words and don't quite understand the??? She tells me if she was to be with anyone it would be me, but she hasn't got it in her to love someone else cause she doesn't love herself...that statement I can get, but to risk all we have to have space...that I son't wuite buy. You need to lift your head my friend and try find something else worth living for. I too need to take my own advice, but how do we keep holding on to somehting someone else doesn't want? I know it's love, heart and all the other sh*t that is bringing us down. Wish you all the best in your quest!
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