Hoax Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) I just wanted to quickly get some details down, I don't think I have any particular questions but I wanted somewhere to vent. I was in a fairly short relationship last year, it started long distance but things progressed quickly over the span of only a month and I fell completely head over heels. Looking back, my feelings bordered on obsession (I have an obsessive kind of personality characterised by what is clinically referred to as 'depression' but what is known to me as 'Me'). Anyway, after only about a month of speaking regularly, we had said we loved each other and before I knew it I was on a plane bound for the other side of the Earth. Things were great, I believe we made each other very happy, but of course we had fights also. It was a very intense relationship, physically and emotionally and in many ways. He started uni and I decided I needed to as well. I struggled with the language and I feared hanging my future on a man. So, I returned to my home country, though we promised to maintain a long distance relationship. Nothing could have been more terrible than saying goodbye to him at the airport that day. I felt like I was being moved by a power beyond myself, a gravitational force that was pulling me away from happiness and love. I cried, he cried. On the plane, I had a vivid dream of kissing him and bidding him goodbye. I awoke in the darkness surrounded by strangers, with a lead weight of dread and complete regret in the pit of my stomach. I can't say that this feeling has ever completely subsided. Well, long distance didn't work. Things officially ended around November of last year. It was BAD. I think I went half-crazy. I lashed out at all of my family and loved ones, isolated myself, could not stop crying and having borderline panic attacks. I tried therapy, but to little avail. I still feel some heart break and loss, even today I teared up a few times. But usually (and generally) I am okay, and I am dealing with it. I loved him so much. I suppose I still do. If he called me tomorrow asking me to come back I'm not sure I could refuse. It was enchanting, adrenalin filled young love. It was wonderful and awful. I try to be grateful for the experience, to forgive him and myself. I was stalking him online today and I found him telling a friend that they couldn't possibly be truly in love after only a month. It hurt me to read this, because after a month I was truly and irrevocably in love with him, and it only reaffirmed my doubts that he'd ever felt the same way for me. It made me feel used, like I was just a 'bit of fun' to him. The main thing I still find difficult to cope with is my own part in all of it. My own depression, anxieties and fears that drove us apart (in both a literal and an emotional sense). I still remember his smile, his laugh, the way he said my name. It has gotten a lot easier with time but still not as easy as it should be after nearly a year. For example, I still think about him and have dreams of reconciliation while I sleep. I think I day dream about it at times too. I don't quite know how to eradicate this pesky granule of hope?? I tend to concentrate on everything I've lost and I really question my reasoning for having left. His family were exceptionally supportive and welcoming, I was happy and we loved each other, he was financially well off, in many ways it was a charmed life. It feels like I left for the wrong reasons (fear and insecurity), and I don't think this decision is one that is congruous with the kind of person I am. I feel isolated and without focus. I have few friends where I am now in my home town, and I'm studying a course I'm not passionate about. I've had no contact with men since, and the few that have shown interest I either: a) missed the opportunity with or b) found them inappropriate (only once) or - which is most often the case - c) I completely misinterpreted their friendliness as interest and then wound up disappointed. It is very frustrating. Additionally, my ex's birthday is soon and I am tempted to break NC just to wish him a happy birthday. We tried in the past to talk and be friends, but a few months ago I just deleted his emails unread. I try to keep things in perspective, to remind myself that it was a learning experience and that it could not have really been true love if he was not willing to make any compromises or sacrifices at all for me. I guess I'm looking for thoughts, advice, similar experiences, novel approaches to meeting people and ways of healing. Thank you very much <3 Edited August 11, 2013 by Hoax
todreaminblue Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) hey, your post wasnt that long for starters .....have read much longer on this site.....welcome to the loveshack forum new poster.......:bunny: I am sorry that you are hurting at the moment and feeling isolated, it sucks pretty much and there is no quick and easy fix to heal time, how long it takes to heal is dependant entirely on you as a person and how quickly you bounce back up again....some of us deflate for a while.....we are not super balls....and we need to get some air before we bounce off again to ricochet into another brick wall at a later time....:0).... finding good friends is another task in itself, when you are not right with yourself, it is hard to be yourself because that self isnt really up to making friends, because getting yourself right has to come first, healing is paramount..... the only way i have ever dealt with healing is to take it back to basics, i simplify my way of thinking,i go back to functioning on a base level, i call a time out from pressure, i let the people who love me know, i just need some time and they give me that time without question ..or i seriously implode and they know it...i tend to isolate myself when i feel i need heal time i find it helpful, i dont feel alone when i isolate myself....lonely maybe....but not alone....i meditate, reflect on where i am going and i pray for guidance.... when i say taking it back to basics....i mean appreciating the small successes and little things that have touched my life...i reflect on them and over time, my failures have perspective...not as failures but as learning experiences and personal growth time.......while i am dealing with these personal growth periods....it doesnt feel good it feels sucky......but perspective is key to moving on and i always move on...another battle lost or won......is gone....cant change it cant go back...can only move forward......to bigger and brighter things... love has always had a risk attached...its part of loves design....anythign worth having...is worth taking a risk for...you were brave and you took that risk....dont be sad about that..you cant control how another feels about you, you cant make someone love or care about you if they dont, no matter how strongly you feel for them ..i believe god has a way of making us let go of people who arent right for us......i dont believe in chance or coincidence...there's a purpose for everything in life and love....even if we dont see it....a higher power can........he comforts us in mysterious ways......for me i have had god sends....people who help me through right when i need it...friends who have turned into life long buddies..inspiring strangers who have shared a conversation with me on a street in a park...wherever...when i have found these friends there has been two commonalities about how i was feeling at the time ....... firstly i felt hope...through the comfort of prayer ....and on hopes presence my faith is restored that everything will be ok, i may never have it easy, but whatever happens ill make it, because i have doen it before and i can make it again......i dont think i would be here if it werent for a god who believes i should be here, who has i believe a strong purpose for me that i have yet to answer that all the trials i have gone through have reason and that sole purpose is why i keep going....i could give you many instances of how i have had fast responses from prayers answered they have though, been in times of extreme trauma and violence....i dont want to derail your thread so i wont go there i offer you this......to heal i have prayed......many times....for all the medications and therapy i have participated in...there has been nothing that has given me more comfort .....or clarity for you........i would suggest that you see a caring medical professional that a family member recommends maybe, to talk about whether you are in a depressive state that you need help with, as you are feeling isolated and it not being a self imposed state, its a bit of a worry...i dont know how you feel about prayer or god.....but with this llllllonnnng post of mine........i send prayers for you for a brighter tomorrow with hope returing to you....and peace to that heart of yours....you are never alone however isolated you feel....someone is thinking of you...hugs.......from deb xo Edited August 11, 2013 by todreaminblue 1
Author Hoax Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 tl;dr I was in a LDR. I'm struggling to move on and I find myself comparing all prospective partners to my ex & I still maintain hope of reconciliation after 8 months. Seeking advice.
Author Hoax Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) Thank you so much for your kind words. I have tried seeing a professional and it didn't help much but it did unfortunately use up all of the free sessions I had available through a government scheme. So I'm pretty much on my own again. I do hope you're right and that eventually I can move on. I was brought up loosely Catholic and after this break up I did spend a small amount of time reading the bible and trying to reconnect with God (honestly I tried a lot of things post breakup), but I came to the eventual conclusion that it is not possible for me to have faith in anything but the randomized chaos of the universe. I even have some doubts about Buddhism in spite of the fact it is nontheist. I just don't think it is practical, or even possible, to eradicate desire. I still very much appreciate your care and time spent in both reading and responding. Again, thank you. Edited August 11, 2013 by Hoax 1
todreaminblue Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 thats ok, hoax, we dont have to agree on faith,you are right,faith has often soothed my soul when i have needed my soul soothed,my life has more meaning with faith ,doesn't make anyone else's views less valid than mine only different and i respect your honesty and your beliefs...... as far as healing and numbers goes or love as a game of chance .....you are right it is a chance a risk....when you are dealing with a hurt psyche as you are....theres always a chance its going to take a long time for you to recover...and a chance that it might only take a little while....but unlike numbers and games of probability.....your humanity and emotional state is going to get in the way of logical conclusion, you cannot predict how long it will take nor can anyone else.....there isnt a simple solution or equation that will solve your sadness that is why you have reached out to others on here... i have only one....and that is hope for tomorrow, if today was bad then believe in the unknown of tomorrow, that no matter how bad you feel there is always going to be a tomorrow for you, that is the only certainty, even if you dont make it into tomorrow by some random universally stuffed up chaotic occurrence you have to believe there is that tomorrow for you .i truly believe that there is someone for everyone that includes like minded friends....and tomorrow might be that day you meet one or you are just that one day closer to meeting someone just for you.....whether it is a random occurrence that is inspired by chaos and probability or a god sent tender mercy....doesnt really matter what you believe only that you have hope in tomorrow that you carry with you today... if you believe in numbers......chances of you getting reconciled with an ex are low........if you add distance and time spent apart and together they become lower.......there is always possibility......but there is also the probability that you were meant to be with someone else who truly appreciates you..and the only chance of that happening ....was for that guy to be an ex and not a current........just something to think about......... when i was in a long distance relationship he couldnt wait to be with me....when we eventually lived together problems surfaced.........our relationship lasted years because a fair majority of that time was spent apart....our relationship was highly passionate.... i was an attentive partner....i gave a lot.........didnt save the relationship however........because it was always going to fail.....i couldnt keep the relationship alive, i gave it my best shot.......fifteen years is a long time to fight for something that had past its end date......i had to let go....and sometimes that is the hardest thing to do ...is let go........ you cannot compare others to your ex...he knows you and you know him ......others havent had a chance to know you yet......or for you to know them ....give them that chance before you resurrect a relationship that was meant to fade into your past.............your unhappiness stems from that relationship...so in my mind happiness means leaving that unhappiness behind......that to me is logical.......i wish you nothing but the best...hugs....deb 1
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Sorry you're feeling this way! My two cents on meeting new people, this is how I met my ex: do things you LIKE doing, not just because "you have to keep yourself busy". Find groups that do them. Go along not to meet men, or friends, but just to do that thing you go there to do. By shifting the social anxiety you will actually have fun and be more relaxed about whether some men's behaviours are interest or not... You'll just let them happen instead. I didn't set out to mix my ex, I just got sick of moping around because I didn't have a boyfriend, decided my friends would be enough, and hey, I was happy so I attracted people. And it take a whole six years for it not to work out, so you know, there was something there
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