Monodare1 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Hi, It's a bit premature as my wife has no current partner after our separation 2 months ago, but I'm worried about what effect or influence any of my wife's future partners may have on my 2 and a half year old son. I don't want my son to forget that I'm his daddy and that any other guy that comes on the scene is secondary to me. Has anyone got any experience with this?
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Kids are keenly aware of their daddy. Of course it's best for every child that their parent stay involved. Child memory kicks in at approximately 3 years of age. In the grand scheme childhood is brief. What feels to you as "forever removed" is truly only about how easily you throw in the towel. You don't sound like a dad who makes that choice. Regular, consistent shared activities is your goal. It can be as simple as a story book you always read him on every visit. A song you teach him or any ritual of your choosing. A small stone or pebble you pick up and stuff into a large plastic jar with him, a visual to remind both of you that small things add up to big things! Your son knows you as daddy and despite the oresence of pseudo men, you've got the DNA crown. It's about how you think of your role. It's a painful thing to be out of the joint home. 1
Author Monodare1 Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 We seperated because we fell out of love,,I was willing to ignore the situation and continue as we were but the wife had other ideas. There was no other party or cheating etc, we just seemed to drift apart. It got to the point that unless we were talking about our son, we had little else to talk about and as I lived a fair distance from my family or friends, I was pretty much stuck in the house with not many social activities to discuss with the wife. As well as that. When it came to "making love" with her, it became for of a chore than a pleasure. Something we had to get out the way so we at least seemed to be happy together. This obviously became a large part of the general drift. We did they to make it work at times but things just seemed to fizzle out, plus while I did all the general running of the house eg, the morning routine for our son (which started at around half 5 in the morning) and the cleaning, tidying and bedtime routines, the wife only got out of her bed after 7am after I had told her to 2 or three times so we could get junior to nursery and us two to work. Then when the weekend came, instead of allowing me a bit of respite, she would expect me to do all the earlys at the weekend as well. It built up resentment as I just started feeling that she was lazy and taking advantage of me Then the minute I started speaking up for myself the relationship was called time on by her.
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Sounds to me that you'll be enjoying liberal access to your little boy. Good luck to her maintaining future long term relationships if she's ambivalent about sex. You may be looking at a series of men coming and escaping. You are likely your son's one consistent male influence. For sure you're his only daddy. 1
Author Monodare1 Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 The unfortunate thing is that the situation is what it is and all I can do is roll with the punches. My one and only concern is the safety and welfare of my son. If I meet someone else later down the line, I'm just trying to cope with my feelings. I've never been in a relationship (or end of) where I don't feel like I want to get back with her, in previous relationships I have been genuinely broken hearted for months analysing and paralysing over and over again what went wrong and hoping to get back with the person. This is the first time where I've not been concerned with getting back together. I just want my son to be ok and I will do anything to make sure of that I only feel heartbroken when I hand my son back to her or if my sons hurt himself or is sad and I'm not there for him as I live close to 30 miles away with no access to a car.
Yasuandio Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 That a shuttle, or the Greyhound. Or, hitchhike. (Watch out for the cops though, it may be illegal to hitchhike these days). When you wanna get there, you can get there! Check out Craig's list too. Put up an ad - need ride section. Also, a nearby truck stop - easy for a guy to get the word out with the men hanging out having their meals. Some trucker has to be driving by the area where your son lives. Trucks are typically great people and I bet they will use their Buddy call 10/4 system to get you a ride. All the waitresses at the truck stop cafe can get the word out for you - be smart, and always leave her a $10 tip. Hope those ideas help. Yas
vla1120 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Given your wife's propensity for expecting you to take care of the early morning routine with your son while she slept, I am surprised your son does not live with you. Have you thought about being the primary caregiver? I'm not suggesting a custody battle, here, but it sounds like she might enjoy spending a bit more time in bed in the morning. Spend every moment possible with your son. That is how you can ensure his safety and welfare now and in the future. Work to move closer to him, if possible.
Author Monodare1 Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Well conveniently for the wife, the mother in law has had a chequered love life, she moved in with a guy along with the wife's younger siblings only to discover after 8 weeks that they were not compatible, and continued to live with him despite having broken up. Now that I am out the house, the mother in law and the wife's younger siblings have moved in. I'm imagining that her mum will be doing the needful. I'm currently trying to get off the mortgage with the mother in law adding herself to cover my half so that I will no longer have the financial responsibility of the house. That way enabling me to clear my credit history so I can get a place of my own. Living with my elderly father throws up hygiene issues as my father can be incontinent at times as I'm forever fire fighting to make sure the house is clean and a healthy area for when my son stays. I'm keen to even get a one bed private let or something to make it easier for me to keep it clean and tidy for my son.
Author Monodare1 Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 The unfortunate thing is that the majority of our debt is in my name so getting a place of my own will be dependant on my clearing debt sufficiently to pass credit checks for a private let.
vla1120 Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Well, take care and hang in there. You'll get things sorted out. I'm also having to rebuild credit after a few years of taking sole responsibility for all the bills with NO help from him. He's still crying poor and he takes care of nothing. I swear he has another family he finances. It just doesn't make sense otherwise. Hopefully, she and your mother-in-law can refinance and get the house out of your name so you can get a fresh start. 1
Author Monodare1 Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 That's all I want, a fresh start so I can provide a safe, clean home from home for my son. Then hopefully later down the line, I can meet someone who will value me and have a similar outlook on life as I have. 1
vera345 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Monodare, I am in a similar situation right now. However, I think you gave up on your marriage too soon. I have a 16 months old daughter at home and a lot of things changed after she was born. The dynamic of relationship changes. Your wife may go through depression, she may have a hard time dealing with changes. It also matters how you ask her to make those changes. You had a good relationship before, that's why you had a son together. It just seems that you didn't try hard enough. I understand your feelings very well and my husband could probably write your post. In fact, I wonder if you really live in G. Man simply don't always understand changes that women deal with when having a child, she may simply need a time and need you to step up for a while. My husband wanted changes, however, they way he asked me to do them was not understood by me. We are separated right now, and finally after 2 months started talking. If I would be you I would try harder. You are giving up too easy.
vera345 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I lost my sex drive after baby was born, sleepless nights didn't help too. My hormons were crazy. As a result, my husband had an emotional affair, he started to write a woman who lives in different part of the world and share his days with her. He never met that woman. All what I heard from him - complaining, and asking me to change, and do that and this, and how much he did. Well, I did a lot too, plus I had a job and an infant to take care of. Your hormons change, all what I could think about was a baby, taking care of baby, my husband was somewhere no. 3. The life was boring but I viewed it as a part of having an infant at home. He complained and I didn't listen and ignored. I understand your wife very well. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you anymore, she just having difficult time too and wants support, not complaining and a man who wants constant appreciation of a basic every days tasks. This is how I felt. I have finally realized what we both done and will do everything to save my marriage. Maybe you should try too.
M30USA Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 You have 3 things going for you right now: 1) The "DNA crown" as an earlier poster phrased it. 2) Your child is a son, a male. You are his role model. I firmly believe that it's the QUALITY of your time together, not quantity. Somewhere in the heart of all children is the desire to seek after their own father/mother. It's especially strong between father and son. Just look at how many blockbuster movies are based on this idea. Star Wars. Darth Vader and Luke. Even as a VILLAIN, Darth Vader's son, Luke, still seeks him out. How much more will your son seek you out if you are being a great dad and seeking him? 3) Eventually children become adults and there's no longer a primary custodian.
Author Monodare1 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 As far as my marriage is concerned, I did try and I wanted to struggle on for the sake of my son. It was my wife who called time on the marriage, she said it was over and she suggested I move back in with my father. I was not seeking appreciation for the things I did, I wanted help, I wanted an equal partner not someone that preferred her bed rather than get up to do what's required for our son. There is a lot more to it, she didn't like my family, and would do the barest minimal possible regarding visiting etc yet her side of the family was of prime importance and I was expected to put them first as well. Plus, rather tha. Consider a compromise location to live so we both had an equal chance to visit family or friends, I was expected to move away to a small town where I knew no one.
Author Monodare1 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 The way I see it, as the wife does not seems interested in us getting back together and the fact that the mother in law and the rest of her brood have moved into my house now I have left, I don't see any way back. I can only see a future where my son visits me, damaged limitation, credit rating recovery, paying off debt, maybe a one bedroom flat for me and maybe, just maybe somewhere in the future another woman who will appreciate me and be a good friend to my son. 1
M30USA Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 The way I see it, as the wife does not seems interested in us getting back together and the fact that the mother in law and the rest of her brood have moved into my house now I have left, I don't see any way back. I can only see a future where my son visits me, damaged limitation, credit rating recovery, paying off debt, maybe a one bedroom flat for me and maybe, just maybe somewhere in the future another woman who will appreciate me and be a good friend to my son. Mono, I think the imbalance in relationship to the in-laws is a problem that many men have to deal with. I moved 3,000 miles to live in my exs hometown, saw them virtually every day (including surprise drop ins), they made decisions together regarding my household without me, and--here's the kicker--she couldn't even handle a yearly trip to vist MY family without throwing a fit, hiding out in the bedroom for most of the trip, and even getting into confrontations with my family. What a joke. I look back and realize how stupid I was to move so far for someone who only wanted to isolate me and literally destroy my relationships while at the same time demanding that I accept HER family as my own. I feel for ya.
Author Monodare1 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Thats exactly how I felt, isolated. She had an arguement with my brother, who due to her interjection stopped speaking to me for 3 years, my relationship with my sister suffered as well as my Aunts and to a lesser degree my own father. I olny ever got to see my friends once a month or every 2 months if I was lucky, whereas she say her friends once or twice a week. I went from being quite a sociable guy to almost a hermit. I know that when you have kids you need to buckle down, but in order to be a well rounded person, I feel that its important to keep strong bonds and connections with your own family and friends, otherwise you will start feeling like Jack Nicgolson in the Shining lol. Seriously though, now that I'm seperated, I'm starting to rebuild my relationships with my family and they all felt that she was isolating me and they all admitted that they didn't like her
Author Monodare1 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 They just didn't admit it as they felt that I had to find out for myself.
vera345 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Sure your family say now that they didn't like her. Guess, what her mother tells her now about you? The point it- you both have your own brain to figure it out. Yes, she wanted a separation or divorce. I know why she did because I was where she is now. You need to read a lot about postnatal depression. Not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to do things - it sounds very much like it. She has no more control over this than you about the moon. Was she always like that? When you met her and dated, did she do more things? Was she a different person when you felt in love with her? Even if your mother in law moved in - doesn't mean that your marriage is over. You need to start talking to her, and you need to do it right way, the way she will understand. I am telling you, you still have a chance together. You had something very good, and you have a son now. Don't give up on this yet. If she sees you dating and moving on - she will know then that you really didn't fight for them hard enough. In her mind, she thinks you will try even if you think its over. She doesn't have anyone else and she is living with her mom. All that it tells me that she is hurting and needs her family to help her right now. And they don't give her a good advice too. You are in a big mess, but there is a hope there.
Author Monodare1 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Hi v. I'm sorry, but I'm not prepared to beg her for something she doesn't seem to want. She turned her back on me, she said that we had been struggling along for the past few years and she has not given any indication whatsoever that she wants to even talk about things. She will need to come to me, she ended it, she will need to make any overtures to me. I am however equally prepared to keep walking away if needs be. My sons my priority not someone who seems to not want to be with me. Plus our son was born over 2 years ago, post natal surely doesn't apply in this instance.
Author Monodare1 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 When we got together she wasn't very tidy, and it followed on. She would get up at 7:10ish then spent a further 40 odd minutes doing her make up while I fed, changed and dressed our son. Then she drove us to nursery and work. She also complained that the half hour drive to work and back (we worked near each other) was really tiring. I needed help, I was tired of doing everything with little help, the most she would do is a washing and our sons bath, I did all the rest. When I see her to pick up our son, I don't feel any pangs of lost love for her, I'm just happy to see my son. What is really left between us to recover? We've changed our bank accounts, she's trying to get her mum on the mortgage and myself off it, she's told me that I need to face up to the fact we are single parents etc, I don't see any glimmers of hope there whatsoever and in not sure that's what I want either.
vla1120 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 People say stay and fight for the marriage no matter what. He doesn't want a divorce, not because he loves me, but for the convenience, or not to feel like a failure, I'm not sure. I've stayed this long. I probably would have stayed until my final days, but then I got breast cancer and it changed my life. Why? Why would I stay and fight for something that would satisfy him, but leave me with a dismal existence. Don't I deserve a chance to be happy? At this point, I don't care if another man loves me for the rest if my life. I want an opportunity to learn to love myself and live a happy life. I hope I have decades left in me to experience that. I cannot stress enough, we only get to do this once. It is society that has imposed this "Til death do we part" thing on us with this wedding ritual that we've come to abide by. Life changes and we are allowed to change with it. Here's a toast to living for OURSELVES and our children, instead of staying in an unhappy, oppressive marriage because it is expected of us by our family, friends, church, society, etc. I'm getting out NOW while I still have some life to live!
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