burnyourlifedown Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Hi! I am at a loss here. You see, my ex who happens to be my best friend too and I had a fight. We broke up a couple of months ago but then we became really close again and were considering getting back together. She's really my best friend and I cannot imagine what it's like to not be with her. Anyway, I think I was being insensitive to her. I went over to her house for a sleepover and we had a really great time. I already told her before that I would be leaving earlier than usual so I can have more time to study again. I am in medschool now and the things I have to read are piling up. But she kept insisting that I should stay for awhile and I complied. As the hours wore on, we were talking happily but then her whole family was there already and I was getting to feel really awkward in their house because I'm extremely shy. And I kept thinking of the pile of readings. So after awhile, I kept insisting to her that I needed to go home. She's a very extremely sensitive and irritable person that maybe when I kept insisting that I needed to go home, it really did annoy her. She told me under her breath that I shouldn't come back anymore and when she showed me out of the door, she told me to get out. I didn't react because I was scared to make a scene in front of her family and I was a bit mad at her reaction, too. I texted to her that I was terribly sorry awhile later but then I didn't receive any reply. I have expressed my regret again and again over the past days. It's been about three days now and I still haven't received any sort of reply from her. Any indication that she has forgiven me, at least. Nothing. I was worried that something might have happened to her but I checked social networking sites and I'm quite sure she is okay, at least. She's just giving me the cold shoulder. And I'd rather that she screams at me and say mean things about me than just plain ignoring my own existence. Like I don't matter to her anymore. I don't deserve even just a curt reply. I probably really touched a nerve. This has happened before and it's usually something wrong that I did to her. Something major. I hate this feeling. I am trying so hard to concentrate on other stuff but I'm terribly weak. Just that night, she told me that she loved me twice and now she's not even speaking to me. I am trying not to text her anymore because I know it doesn't help. I'm really scared that this might last forever. That this won't ever get resolved. I'm scared and it hurts so much. Even more than the break up. I don't know what to do. Should I show up on her doorstep or is that too much already? Please, can anyone help me? Sorry for the long ramble with probably a lot of run on sentences and grammar mistakes. Thank you.
aspiringuitarheroine Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Stop messaging/calling her, do not show up at her house, do not engage her, until she contacts you. 2
Author burnyourlifedown Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 thank you! i know we can't really read minds of other people but do you think she really hates me now? just your opinion. i never meant to hurt her in that way. sigh.
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Why would you apologize for needing to study? That's not a reasonable action. If she's dating a med student and she's already got an attitude wait until your residency and fellowship. This girl sounds like a poor fit for your chosen life of medicine. I've seen it many times. Same problem exists for law school and BigLaw. Massive work load and a girl needs to embrace delayed gratification. Sorry you're just finding this out. Great as she may be, I'd caution you to think long and hard about her expectations. Patients come first. Clients come first. We often hold their very lives in our hands. What's her problem? IMHO the silent treatment is a form of abuse. 1
Author burnyourlifedown Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 yeah, i know! i thought she understood. sigh. on the other hand, i might have said it in a way that got on her nerves. but this just leaves me guessing and making assumptions. i would always visit her whenever i have some spare time. she must know how much i value her and our friendship. but i do have other priorities. sigh. silent treatment is really devastating to me. i can't even concentrate. i'd rather know outright that she doesn't want to see me again than face something really unknown and indefinite. although, this silent treatment screams the fact that she probably doesn't care anymore.
aspiringuitarheroine Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 thank you! i know we can't really read minds of other people but do you think she really hates me now? just your opinion. i never meant to hurt her in that way. sigh. Just do what I said and stop worrying if she hates you or not. If she does, she's not a friend.
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Honestly I think you've got it wrong. It's not about caring. Her silent treatment indicates hurt/anger. She's personalizing your need to study as not giving her need priority. It's not about how you said it. She is unable to support your career goals. Needing to study or be in a residency is not choosing against her. Not sure if she's been exposed to professional life but it sounds not. You've not revealed what year you're in. The solid truth is she would be facing a very likely 7+ years through a fellowship. It's frequently the case that she's incapable of an adult conversation to tell you straight up that she cannot take a backseat until you're done. Cannot take a backseat to emergency interruptions or cancelled vacations or holidays. It's the life we chose and not all women can leap beyond jealousy. You too must avoid personalizing her needs as a thing you've not done correctly.
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Even when you're licensed and in the beginning of your career, be it surgery or other critical demands, jury trial or whatever. Many guys choose to sleep at the hospital or hotel or club to avoid women who shovel drama. Often times the personal issues must wait. The partner must embrace the professional oath and ethics we've taken. Please factor this into your consideration. Let her go out of kindness and respect if need be.
Author burnyourlifedown Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 well, i'm still in first year. and yes we are both just fresh out of college. we are both still not that experienced in stuff like this. i'm really sorry that i had hurt her. i would take into account what you said. thank you!
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Now is the time for you to discover the reality. First year is all textbook. It's going to become much more competitive. My advice: learn now compartmentalism. When you're studying its all about that. When you're free, embrace it fully. Your ability to perform professionally means setting up your personal life to avoid drama. It's not "you hurting her". Think!! Her unrealistic expectations feed her feelings. You've got zero control over her expectations and resulting feelings. It's difficult for you now, I get that. The demands on you to meet the competitive nature is large. Don't let yourself down. Congrats on making it in btw. You'll hear of other comrades suffering through the undergrad romance strife.
Author burnyourlifedown Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 thanks! i do have a hard time in compartmentalizing but i really should learn. i can't let this get in the way of my studies. i am scared i might not make it. so you are a doctor already, if i may ask? 1
fibertype Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 From my experience my boyfriend had a bunch of workload this year and it did upset me when he didn't have time for me. But you told us you would visit her on your spare time and this was after the break up? You really must think greatly of her. I agree with the other posters Balzac and aspiringuitarheroine. Your ex even told you she loved you that night you left her house? If she does then she would understand you and how busy you are. I don't know how she really is but from what you told us, to me she sounds selfish and immature for only thinking about her feelings and her wants. She isn't thinking about how troubled you felt that night and your apologies and gives you the silent treatment. She should understand you're very busy but still visit her. She sounds like she doesn't understand you or you aren't expressing yourself enough to her. I'm a super sensitive person and I get upset really easily, I'm not kidding, but I'm not the only thing going on in my boyfriend's life. It's comparable in a sense but we're actually dating and you guys aren't any longer. You have priorities and I'm sure she does too. These are just my thoughts but I hope it'll somehow help sort your brain out.
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 I already told her before that I would be leaving earlier than usual so I can have more time to study again. I am in medschool now and the things I have to read are piling up. But she kept insisting that I should stay for awhile and I complied. I'm guessing you've just begun your program. I give you some allowance for the early days. But the above scenario is her disrespecting you. It's her putting pressure on you to comply w her demands. You gave in - for hours and she still refused to be gracious. Now you're behind, stressed, unable to focus and it's in the early weeks. You'll not survive if you cannot establish boundaries. Sure there will be flexible times but getting into a routine in the first weeks is critical. Get your act together. Stop thinking you've been unkind. Your cadaver awaits.
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 thanks! i do have a hard time in compartmentalizing but i really should learn. i can't let this get in the way of my studies. i am scared i might not make it. so you are a doctor already, if i may ask? I'm multi licensed and devote my practice to litigation[law] You're just into it. All sane med students have doubts n fears. It's rough in the early months to fully embrace that you'll be changing and establishing new priorities. It's a vast sum of material at a rapid pace. Competition is fierce. It bears NO similarity to undergrad or the application process. It's a marathon. You'll be fine. Focus and get on with it. Enjoy the comraderie and realize that few outside the culture can fully understand. It's just how it is. Again, you will be fine.
Author burnyourlifedown Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 hmm. there is probably some misunderstanding that occurred here. some miscommunication. but the thing is, i am so willing to talk it out but she's not replying to any of my messages. this has happened before and it was pretty scary for me. yeah, i should really accept that it might take time for her to come around this time. or if she doesn't want anymore, then i must her respect her decision. in the meantime, i need to focus. focus. on what i can control.
Balzac Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Exactly "on what I can control". She too must reorder her priorities. Learn to manage her anxiety and anger through appropriate behaviors. You cannot be available as you likely were as an undergrad. It sounds as if you are in your state med school and very local. That's good and bad. Close proximity to those who are done educating. Familiar groups socially but not in your new medical world. I'd suggest you allow her to approach you and to bear in mind that often, compassion about her struggle is the better part of valor. She may not be up to the task. It's not about a lack of love or caring.
WordvAction Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Are you trying to get back together with this girl? It seems like you've still got major feelings for her.
Author burnyourlifedown Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 To Balzac: Yup. I am in the same city where I spent my undergrad years. Well, I just hope she comes back or something. Sigh. I mean, aside from interested in her romantically, I really do consider her as my best friend and I value our friendship a lot. We've been best friends since the start of college. I hope this does not mean the end of our friendship. She was supportive of me actually until now. I didn't have any idea that it would make her so angry or hurt or whatever to cut me off. She even said she doesn't like being cut off and I wonder why she is doing it to me again. sorry. To WordvAction: I guess I'm really that obvious. Haha. I still really love her. She expressed that she wanted to get back together with me, too. We're in the courting stage again, according to her. But, of course, I don't know where I stand now since I do not have any form of feedback from her. (
WordvAction Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 To Balzac: Yup. I am in the same city where I spent my undergrad years. Well, I just hope she comes back or something. Sigh. I mean, aside from interested in her romantically, I really do consider her as my best friend and I value our friendship a lot. We've been best friends since the start of college. I hope this does not mean the end of our friendship. She was supportive of me actually until now. I didn't have any idea that it would make her so angry or hurt or whatever to cut me off. She even said she doesn't like being cut off and I wonder why she is doing it to me again. sorry. To WordvAction: I guess I'm really that obvious. Haha. I still really love her. She expressed that she wanted to get back together with me, too. We're in the courting stage again, according to her. But, of course, I don't know where I stand now since I do not have any form of feedback from her. ( Yeah as long as you're trying to get back together with her, ill give you this advice; let her contact you, and she will eventually. In the meantime, have fun with your life. I'm not in her shoes so I can't speak for her, but I know I'd rather date someone that was having fun with their life, rather than call me repeatedly asking for forgiveness, ya know? It's a tough thing to do, and much easier said than done, but you need to show her that you still care while still showing that you will still have a fun life without her, even if that's not the truth
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