How to stop loving someone for your own good?

[JulieKnows]

My favorite saying is "Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but you wish you didn't." Today I don't exactly know the answer.

 

I have been dating a man with a live in gf for about 3 months now. You know how it is, in a short period of time you get close, you talk all the time, get away whenever you can, things get cozy & lovey dovey...We have both dropped the L bomb but we're taking it day by day, no discussion about him leaving her and I never asked. One night he said he feels obligated to stay with her because she loaned him money to buy one of his properties, and he will be done paying in 10 months. We have had the "what if" talks about us being a real couple if they were to split. I don't want to ask him how he really feels about her and where he thinks their relationship is going, because I'm not yet prepared to hear an answer I might not like. They have no property or kids as a couple so if they did split it would just be about moving out basically as far as financials go.

 

I do love him, he treats me well & takes care of me not only as a lover but as a friend. We have no problems of our own, at least not yet. My problem is, without knowing what the eventuality of their outcome as a couple is, I can't plan for anything on my end. From a realistic point of view I see myself getting hurt, because that is what I'm preparing for. He tells me I'm seeing the glass half empty. No matter what things I pick up about turmoil in their household or that they're not having sex anymore, not spending time together, etc. I still need to be prepared for the fact that a rock may fall out of the sky on his head & he comes to me and says "I just can't do this anymore, sorry."

 

I quit asking myself why I'm in this situation and what do I hope to get out of it...questions with no real answers, the heart wants what it wants.

 

How do you prepare yourself to emotionally separate from someone you're afraid is only going to hurt you in the end? Stop telling them you love them? Stop being so available? Ask him point blank if he sees himself leaving her? Tell him I think you're going to hurt me so I'm leaving? How do you stop loving someone for your own good? My selfish self wants to gradually separate from him and let him ask me if something is wrong, because he would do that. I don't want to just come at him "Are you leaving her or what!" Guys don't like pressure.

[Red Wolverine]

.I don't want to just come at him "Are you leaving her or what!" Guys don't like pressure.

 

Why not ask him that? Not only does it state the obvious, it's the only thing left to say.

 

The only reason not to ask is if you're afraid of his answer.

[carhill]

fOM and fMM here:

 

How do you prepare yourself to emotionally separate from someone you're afraid is only going to hurt you in the end?

Accept that separating is going to hurt and that fear can/will be a potent force inhibiting actions one knows cognitively are healthy.

Stop telling them you love them?

At the appropriate moment, yes.

Stop being so available?

Personally, I wouldn't fade.

Ask him point blank if he sees himself leaving her?

Your relationship isn't about him and her so no, I wouldn't ask such a question.

Tell him I think you're going to hurt me so I'm leaving?

I wouldn't phrase it that way but the leaving part could be healthy

How do you stop loving someone for your own good?

Accept that the love is unhealthy for oneself.

My selfish self wants to gradually separate from him and let him ask me if something is wrong, because he would do that.

I recall those periods of push/pull. Retrospectively, an unhealthily indirect way of dealing with relationship communication.

I don't want to just come at him "Are you leaving her or what!" Guys don't like pressure.

 

I'd suggest stating how you feel and why you're leaving/ending, for yourself. I recall saying goodbye to my first MW on her birthday, when she shared that she had lied to her H about where she was. I hadn't invited her to my house to say goodbye, rather to celebrate her BD, but her words and actions caused me to experience a quantum change in feeling and perspective. I kept it about her words and actions and what I needed for a healthy interaction. Did it hurt? Yep, but I never let her see me cry. Did it hurt a long time? Yep, about two years. We had been seeing each other off and on for eight.

 

You do what you have to do for you. Good luck.

[Quiet Storm]

You do it by using "self talk". Basically, the logical, rational part of your brain must tell the emotional, romantic part of your brain to stop. You can do this by reigning in thoughts of him by saying to yourself "he's not good for me.". You have to babysit that part of yourself. Those romantic, obsessive, emotional thoughts are "the child", while the logical, realistic part is the babysitter that must protect "the child" from people or situations that are likely to cause emotional pain. It sounds strange, but this method helps you take control. The heart may want what it wants, but your actions don't have to reflect that. You can override that weakness in yourself.

[thecharade]

If there is one thing that affairs do it's mess with your mind. They are a type of relationship that many people believe they understand completely until they are in one, then they say, "What just happened? How did I get here? Where did I make that wrong turn?"

 

In my opinion, the conflicting feelings of "He's so good to me" and "He's hurting me" are the main problem. That's where reality spins on its head. Is he good to you? He put you in this position after all. His mixed messages are rather selfish and unkind if he is staying in his relationship, aren't they? (Everyone will now follow my comment with their pitchforks and tell you that blaming him is not accepting responsibility for yourself. Whatever. I do believe that the 'come closer,' now 'step back' messages sent by married people are the main problem in affairs. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.) You want to fall out of love, so focusing on his role in your hurt is imperative. You can beat yourself up plenty for your own role after you begin to mend.

 

Falling out of love with someone begins when you shine a light on what he has done to you. He put you in this triangle. They were a couple, and he has selfishly disrespected her and you by making it a threesome. I believe most OP are thinking, "He/she must be ready to leave that relationship if he/she is sharing this romantic bond with me," even if it's only subconsciously. Then we come to find their plan was to keep more than their fair share and have two romantic relationships! While we stand there feeling we don't even really have one! Very selfish. Very wrong. A very abusive psychological twist, if you ask me.

 

Try to get him off that pedestal. Make a list of his worst qualities and keep rereading. See him as the person that is hurting two women, not as the tortured soul who wants more than anything to be with you. Sympathizing with him FEELS compassionate, but it is HURTING you. Don't sympathize. He is not sympathizing with his gf or you, only thinking of himself. In fact, he will most likely try not to think about how this is hurting her or you. He will compartmentalize and think only of himself.

 

If he wants you, he'll make himself available in 10 months. But if he can have you now, he may never change a thing. Good luck. It all sucks so badly, I know.

[gregmurphyblue]

If there is a way, I haven't found it yet.

[waytogo]

My favorite saying is "Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but you wish you didn't." Today I don't exactly know the answer.

 

I have been dating a man with a live in gf for about 3 months now. You know how it is, in a short period of time you get close, you talk all the time, get away whenever you can, things get cozy & lovey dovey...We have both dropped the L bomb but we're taking it day by day, no discussion about him leaving her and I never asked. One night he said he feels obligated to stay with her because she loaned him money to buy one of his properties, and he will be done paying in 10 months. We have had the "what if" talks about us being a real couple if they were to split. I don't want to ask him how he really feels about her and where he thinks their relationship is going, because I'm not yet prepared to hear an answer I might not like. They have no property or kids as a couple so if they did split it would just be about moving out basically as far as financials go.

 

I do love him, he treats me well & takes care of me not only as a lover but as a friend. We have no problems of our own, at least not yet. My problem is, without knowing what the eventuality of their outcome as a couple is, I can't plan for anything on my end. From a realistic point of view I see myself getting hurt, because that is what I'm preparing for. He tells me I'm seeing the glass half empty. No matter what things I pick up about turmoil in their household or that they're not having sex anymore, not spending time together, etc. I still need to be prepared for the fact that a rock may fall out of the sky on his head & he comes to me and says "I just can't do this anymore, sorry."

 

I quit asking myself why I'm in this situation and what do I hope to get out of it...questions with no real answers, the heart wants what it wants.

 

How do you prepare yourself to emotionally separate from someone you're afraid is only going to hurt you in the end? Stop telling them you love them? Stop being so available? Ask him point blank if he sees himself leaving her? Tell him I think you're going to hurt me so I'm leaving? How do you stop loving someone for your own good? My selfish self wants to gradually separate from him and let him ask me if something is wrong, because he would do that. I don't want to just come at him "Are you leaving her or what!" Guys don't like pressure.

 

 

Guys don't like pressure!?!

 

Girls don't like not being put first by the man in there life. Men who are committed to a woman listen to her needs, care about her needs and make adjustments for her. He should get the same in return.

 

My H took more from me than I ever "pressured" another. Probably because he showed me I could trust him to express myself helped. That I laid out some expectations, I believe won his respect.

[lostsoul1989]

Wow, i know how u feel , there is no easy way, if you stay u may get hurt, and if u break it off with him u will still be hurt. Like u said the heart knows what it wants....

[whichwayisup]

Think of it like this. You've only invested 3 months or so of your life into him. His girlfriend and him share a life together and have friends, family entwined. They've bought properties together and share expenses. They have a life built together.

 

The heart wants what it wants but you can and should control it and detach from him. Be honest - Tell him that you love him but you can't be his OW on the side, that you deserve better and more.

 

Tell him you're gonna go on with your life and if they ever break up, he can call you and ask you out, take you on a 'real' date and get to know you in a proper way.

 

Having an A or trying to start a R with a guy who is already with someone else is just asking for a lot of heartache and pain. Either way it will hurt you, but staying you will CONTINUALLY hurt and fall for him even more. If you leave, then you'll feel pain but it will fade in time and you'll heal.

[If-I-Only-Knew]

Speaking from a guy's point of view, he told you that he'll be done repaying her in 10 months because he wants you to wait for him for at least 10 months. Waiting for him for at least 10 months means that he can have sex with you for at least 10 months while being with his girlfriend. By the end of 10 months, he may or may not break up with her but he'll have at least 10 months of great sex with someone else..