My story

[Pierre]

Definitely some great info/advice/comments and also a ton of assumptions. Still, it's interesting and appreciated. I do want to clear the air though...

 

Q: Why - A: I married my husband because I love him. I enjoy the life we share, the laughter, the challenge of his intelligence and differing political views, the excitement of investing together, and while I never wanted to be married - if there were one person in the world I could spend forever with - it would be him.

 

With that being said, I am incredibly selfish and have personality traits I enjoy expressing that H doesn't. I'm active, love to travel, thoroughly enjoy intimacy, huge risk taker. I express these sides of myself with MM, H does not enjoy or approve this side of me. A fulfills parts of my life H cannot and MM could never fulfill me in the manner H does.

 

Also, food for thought. "He doesn't compromise" does not mean nor imply he's controlling. We are both very independent. H has family issues which dictated our wedding and were nonnegotiable. AND "I went through a rough period" does not say "very low self esteem". I am modest, I believe beautiful women are a dime a dozen. However, I also know that I am a very beautiful woman, in great shape, intelligent, etc.

 

I (as I'm sure the majority of women in this site are) am an open book. Feel free to ask anything and I will answer - but stop assuming you know and understand and then immediately judging and advising.

 

IMHO, you are an unhappy woman and hence had the affair.

 

This is only band-aid treatment for your unhappiness.

 

Your post is a very useful source of information for the countless of single OWs that are having affairs with married men. Most of these women believe that if the MM is having an affair then it means MM does not love the wife. I hope they read your very interesting posts.

 

I know your H is a good catch and that is why you married him. But, the WHY had to do with actually marrying without passion. I know you love him dearly, but you married with no passion or sexual attraction.

 

Are you a citizen from a country where arranged marriages are the norm? It does not look that way. You simply married because you found a great man that you love as a brother. MAybe your H is too clean cut and not much of a bad boy. Perhaps you are attracted to the player types.

 

The point is that there are women that do not marry when there is no sexual attraction. OTOH, other women marry with no sexual attraction. Why is that?

 

Why can't you walk away and find a mate for whom you feel sexual attraction?

[jlola]

 

Q: Why - A: I married my husband because I love him. I enjoy the life we share, the laughter, the challenge of his intelligence and differing political views, the excitement of investing together, and while I never wanted to be married - if there were one person in the world I could spend forever with - it would be him.

 

With that being said, I am incredibly selfish and have personality traits I enjoy expressing that H doesn't. I'm active, love to travel, thoroughly enjoy intimacy, huge risk taker. I express these sides of myself with MM, H does not enjoy or approve this side of me. A fulfills parts of my life H cannot and MM could never fulfill me in the manner H does.

 

 

Thank you. This confirms people would still cheat even f they are in a good marriage. For some people, one person simply cannot satisfy all their needs.

[JustJoe]

Ok on the vows - lame - I agree!

 

Back story (will probably make it worse but oh well): I've been with Husband 5 years. Married 4 months now. Never ever wanted marriage or children. Went through rough period and pressured then BF for ring. Felt like I needed to be someone's wife to prove I was worth it. Pathetic I know, but it happened. Got a ring - immediately didn't want it. Began affair about three months after engagement. Distance grew with husband during engagement. Things like when/where to get married, budget etc. There were no compromises, only he said goes. Don't want to paint a bad picture, husband is great. But he manages me like one of his employees. His best friend asked me in our wedding day (which was in a different country - we brought 15 total people) if husband was only marrying me for my looks, career, and I enjoy cooking. All irrelevant but a little back story.

 

Oddly, I don't expect my husband to be faithful. I imagine he has disconnected partnership and sex the same way I have.

Yes, wouldn't it be nice if your husband was having an affair too? That would help to let you off the hook , morally, wouldn't it.

[JustJoe]

Thank you. This confirms people would still cheat even f they are in a good marriage. For some people, one person simply cannot satisfy all their needs.

Soory , but this is an excuse, not a reason. It might be possible to love two people, but it isn't possible to be in love with two people. Those that say they are are trying to assuage guilt by excusing their choices.

[ComingInHot]

Ninna, question*

You're here to tell your story. Why? What is it you are looking for by way of support? Miss Bee nailed it when she wrote A's are a volatile topic. You Do need to develop "thick skin".

Some come here to share a success story, others the story of their struggle to end it, and yet others who are smack in the middle of the A with all the heightened emotion, of those Most only start by wanting fo hear what encourages their desired outcome.

 

This is Not what you will find here Ninna. I think it is a good thing though as it "sheds light" on the realities or possible realities of the A situation.

My hope is that feeling flamed or not, you begin to see perspectives other than your own to realize the possible consequences of your actions and associated destruction & pain it will cause others including those you actually Do care about.

 

I want the best for you & I was a BW,

CIH*

[findingnemo]

My MM and I have been enjoying a PA for about 10 months and have not told a soul. I'm new to the site and wanted to get my story out there. I'm curious what other people think and honestly just need to tell someone.

 

Let me start by saying I am mid twenties, educated, former model, active, fun, etc. MM is almost twice my age, active, fun, attractive, amazing :-)

There are no financial gains, gifts, ego boosts, or other motives in our "relationship" - we simply enjoy each other. We are open, honest, and supportive of one another. But we are totally a secret and have no intentions of ever being anything other than what we are.

 

Before MM and I seduced one another, I had never had a one night stand, cheated, or even slept with a man I wasn't exclusive with. He had cheated before but had never "sustained" with another woman. Simply one nighters and sex only.

 

The night that changed everything was crisp fall evening, we decided to join some colleagues for a happy hour. It was completely innocent. As the night pushed on the chemistry between us was undeniable. We left the industry event and moved to a private upscale restaurant. We shared martinis and glasses of wine and shared amazing conversation. After a few hours he reached for m hand (I let him) and led me to his car. He asked if I wanted to get a hotel room - I declined. He smiled and said he had an vacant rental property close and said he'd love to share a little more conversation with me. After another drink and more conversation at the rental property, he leaned in to kiss me. Again, I said I couldn't. But didn't leave immediately.

 

An hour later, I walked over to him and softly kissed his cheek, abandoning all of my morals. We were intimate multiple times and the evening was perfect. We kissed goodnight around 2 am and he asked if I thought we would do this again. I said no. Beginning the next morning, we began talking daily and seeing each other once or twice a week.

 

When the affair started we both made it clear it was a physical relationship only. I told him multiple times "this is just sex, nothing else". He agreed and even reminded me one night that there was "no future" with him. We decided once I got married (my decision) we would stop. The NC around my wedding only lasted two weeks. We didn't stop or sara away from each other.

 

Now it's been 10 months. We call each other pet names, spend nights out of town together, and even say we miss each other. We do not say we're in love but use the word love: "love seeing you", "would love to" etc

I'm terrified. I don't know what we're doing anymore. Don't know if he has feelings, if he doesn't, or even if I want him to. We are both married and neither of us are leaving or even considering it. But somehow I feel like having him in my life makes it and me better.

 

I wanted/needed to finally share. Feel free to comment or ask questions if you'd like :-)

 

I've read your other responses and a lot of this doesn't make sense to me. It seems you are comfortable in your situation and yet here you are "sharing". What are you even doing looking for a board like this? There is something you need. What?

 

While I don't understand why you got M, I do understand people getting M for other reasons that have nothing to do with "love". I sense that while you say you love your H it is like the love for a very good friend. I also suspect that he feels the same about you. You both got M for other reasons and not love. Am I right? How do you think your H will feel if he finds out about MM? Do you think he, like you, won't mind?

 

I think parts of your story are true...especially the part about being with MM and getting M. I also think you are being truthful about you all being wealthy. The other parts I suspect were put in to protect yourself. Is this true? Who is MM apart from your lover? What other role does he have in your life?

 

If you are worried about something, perhaps loss of reputation or something like that if you are discovered then tell us so that we can advise you on how to proceed. To say you came here just to tell your story is abnormal. Yet there is always a first...

[Lady2163]

Ninna, welcome to the board.

 

Lol, the autocorrect for your name is "ninja".

 

While this is a forum for the other man/woman, there are several vocal BS who post here. Some use great communication skills, others do not. If you truly believe they have nothing to offer, just put them on ignore. Definitely report the post if you are offended.

 

I recognize that everybody here does not have the same motivation. As the other woman, I do have a strong motivation to keep my life going as normally as possible, so everyone who insists on NC, telling the spouse, etc. may not have my best interests in mind.

 

You do have the ability to make a dramatic change in your marriage, though. Have you thought about talking to your husband about correcting the lack of passion? Have you thought about either swinging or having an open marriage? Have you thought about counseling together?

 

Others will tell you, that the only way for your marriage to survive is to be brutally frank about the past ten months. I'm not in agreement with that.

 

Oh and I took the word "obey" out of my wedding vows. I am not a cocker spaniel.

[Pierre]

Ninna, welcome to the board.

 

Lol, the autocorrect for your name is "ninja".

 

While this is a forum for the other man/woman, there are several vocal BS who post here. Some use great communication skills, others do not. If you truly believe they have nothing to offer, just put them on ignore. Definitely report the post if you are offended.

 

I recognize that everybody here does not have the same motivation. As the other woman, I do have a strong motivation to keep my life going as normally as possible, so everyone who insists on NC, telling the spouse, etc. may not have my best interests in mind.

 

You do have the ability to make a dramatic change in your marriage, though. Have you thought about talking to your husband about correcting the lack of passion? Have you thought about either swinging or having an open marriage? Have you thought about counseling together?

 

Others will tell you, that the only way for your marriage to survive is to be brutally frank about the past ten months. I'm not in agreement with that.

 

Oh and I took the word "obey" out of my wedding vows. I am not a cocker spaniel.

 

Very good post!

 

I think it boils down to what OP wants. Does she want affirmation regarding her affair? Or is she looking for information about where the affair is heading?

 

I don't think she wants to recapture passion in her marriage. For some people this is an impossible task and not everybody can do that.

 

Does she want some help regarding why she lacks passion? She talks about loving intimacy and yet she has never been real intimate with her husband. Does she need help here.

 

She knows OM is an old man and a player. I am not sure she needs help here--------unless she falls in love. Players know how to pick women. She may fit like a glove.

 

I think affairs are part of the human condition, but it seems that it creates havoc in all sides of the equation. I suspect OP is feeling uneasy about something and what strikes me the most is that she lives in a non authentic manner. Her true self is never shown. In fact, I bet her posts do not show whom she really is as a person. She fakes in front of her H, her OM, and her family and friends (no one knows!). She is afraid to show her true side. And that is why she married without passion. It must be awful to live like that.

[Silly_Girl]

The world should be a better place...people should probably not have affairs...you get the drift

 

Not really, no.

 

Probably (definitely!) something wrong with me, but I can't see the point of people rocking up to the OW board just to tut and waggle their finger. I don't see who benefits, including the disapproving poster.

 

 

(And before someone jumps up and down and shouts 'affair cheerleader' that is NOT what I am suggesting, there is a middle ground...)

[Speakingofwhich]

Ninna, it seems to me that you believe you have things all together. You have set your life up just fine. But, you feel uneasy about it. Something is bothering you that you just can't put your finger on.

 

Or have you come here because you are an OW and a WS and you have a need to be with like-minded people but you don't really identify with anyone irl due to your choices?

 

Or you just want to tell your story because there are OW/OM here and you believe they would benefit from hearing your narrative?

 

Or do you just need to talk about yourself? For reasons you don't really understand?

[JustJoe]

Very good post!

 

I think it boils down to what OP wants. Does she want affirmation regarding her affair? Or is she looking for information about where the affair is heading?

 

I don't think she wants to recapture passion in her marriage. For some people this is an impossible task and not everybody can do that.

 

Does she want some help regarding why she lacks passion? She talks about loving intimacy and yet she has never been real intimate with her husband. Does she need help here.

 

She knows OM is an old man and a player. I am not sure she needs help here--------unless she falls in love. Players know how to pick women. She may fit like a glove.

 

I think affairs are part of the human condition, but it seems that it creates havoc in all sides of the equation. I suspect OP is feeling uneasy about something and what strikes me the most is that she lives in a non authentic manner. Her true self is never shown. In fact, I bet her posts do not show whom she really is as a person. She fakes in front of her H, her OM, and her family and friends (no one knows!). She is afraid to show her true side. And that is why she married without passion. It must be awful to live like that.

I think that what Pierre said is closest to my own thinking. I'm pretty sure that this OP hasn't really had to face the results of her choices , yet. but is uneasy about what those results might be.

[JustJoe]

Ninna, welcome to the board.

 

Lol, the autocorrect for your name is "ninja".

 

While this is a forum for the other man/woman, there are several vocal BS who post here. Some use great communication skills, others do not. If you truly believe they have nothing to offer, just put them on ignore. Definitely report the post if you are offended.

 

I recognize that everybody here does not have the same motivation. As the other woman, I do have a strong motivation to keep my life going as normally as possible, so everyone who insists on NC, telling the spouse, etc. may not have my best interests in mind.

 

You do have the ability to make a dramatic change in your marriage, though. Have you thought about talking to your husband about correcting the lack of passion? Have you thought about either swinging or having an open marriage? Have you thought about counseling together?

 

Others will tell you, that the only way for your marriage to survive is to be brutally frank about the past ten months. I'm not in agreement with that.

 

Oh and I took the word "obey" out of my wedding vows. I am not a cocker spaniel.

I tend to agree with most of this, except the remark about being "brutally frank" That , IMO, is an excuse for further deceit. . And I am a FOM .

[Lillyfree]

 

While this is a forum for the other man/woman, there are several vocal BS who post here. Some use great communication skills, others do not. If you truly believe they have nothing to offer, just put them on ignore. Definitely report the post if you are offended.

 

I recognize that everybody here does not have the same motivation. As the other woman, I do have a strong motivation to keep my life going as normally as possible, so everyone who insists on NC, telling the spouse, etc. may not have my best interests in mind.

 

 

there are also quite a few FOW/FMW here who are quite vocal. it's not about which camp you come from, it's whether you are in favour of affairs.

 

i'm definitely not. i would much rather advise whomever comes here that living a life full of lies and deceit isn't the right way to live, and that it will be a lot easier and better for them to be honest to themselves and those around them.

 

i don't always shout it at every single person that comes along. and if you think that those who don't share your opinions and don't have your best interests in mind, just put them on ignore. definitely report the post if you're offended.

[woinlove]

If you don't expect fidelity from your husband, and won't give it to him...

 

Those are pretty big life choices that he needs to be aware of. Put everything on the table, living with deception every day....who does that?

 

The bolded is a good question to think about, Ninna. You describe yourself as an open book and yet choose to live a life of secrecy and deception. If you want, you can remove yourself from the secrecy and deception, by being the open book you say you are here, in real life, with your H and expecting the same of the OM.

 

Some people like the deception as it gives them a sense of control over others, some people give openness and honesty a low priority in their life. If that describes you, then you'll likely continue on as you are now. But if you want to live an authentic life, openly being who you are with those you share your life with, then you'll need to make some big changes. Do you know what you want?

[MissBee]

Not really, no.

 

Probably (definitely!) something wrong with me, but I can't see the point of people rocking up to the OW board just to tut and waggle their finger. I don't see who benefits, including the disapproving poster.

 

 

(And before someone jumps up and down and shouts 'affair cheerleader' that is NOT what I am suggesting, there is a middle ground...)

 

I'm not disagreeing with that SG.

 

I was just saying that ideally people should do lots of things and shouldn't do lots of others, yet they do what they shouldn't anyway, and none of us can control it and it's even worse online where there aren't any real repercussions for it. So since we can't stop people from wagging their fingers on the OW Board, might as well control what you can control and come armed with the knowledge that you will have some posters, just like in real life, who won't respond as you wish, as knowing that and taking what you can and leaving the rest will work a million times better to help make your time on LS useful, instead of attempting to get everyone to do what they should.

Edited August 12, 2013 by MissBee

[Phoenix32]

there are also quite a few FOW/FMW here who are quite vocal. it's not about which camp you come from, it's whether you are in favour of affairs.

 

i'm definitely not. i would much rather advise whomever comes here that living a life full of lies and deceit isn't the right way to live, and that it will be a lot easier and better for them to be honest to themselves and those around them.

 

i don't always shout it at every single person that comes along. and if you think that those who don't share your opinions and don't have your best interests in mind, just put them on ignore. definitely report the post if you're offended.

 

I am not in favor of affairs, and I suspect most of the people on here who have had or are having affairs are not in favor of them either. But yet it happens. I think it is a little too generalistic to say that people like myself or Lady are "in favor" of affairs just because we defend someone's right to make choices, even if they are not necessarily good choices. Just my 2 cents worth.

[Pierre]

we defend someone's right to make choices, even if they are not necessarily good choices. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

:sick::sick:

:o:o:o:o:o:o

 

Truthfully, I believe you should reconsider this sort of advice to a newbie.