My story

[Ninna]

My MM and I have been enjoying a PA for about 10 months and have not told a soul. I'm new to the site and wanted to get my story out there. I'm curious what other people think and honestly just need to tell someone.

 

Let me start by saying I am mid twenties, educated, former model, active, fun, etc. MM is almost twice my age, active, fun, attractive, amazing :-)

There are no financial gains, gifts, ego boosts, or other motives in our "relationship" - we simply enjoy each other. We are open, honest, and supportive of one another. But we are totally a secret and have no intentions of ever being anything other than what we are.

 

Before MM and I seduced one another, I had never had a one night stand, cheated, or even slept with a man I wasn't exclusive with. He had cheated before but had never "sustained" with another woman. Simply one nighters and sex only.

 

The night that changed everything was crisp fall evening, we decided to join some colleagues for a happy hour. It was completely innocent. As the night pushed on the chemistry between us was undeniable. We left the industry event and moved to a private upscale restaurant. We shared martinis and glasses of wine and shared amazing conversation. After a few hours he reached for m hand (I let him) and led me to his car. He asked if I wanted to get a hotel room - I declined. He smiled and said he had an vacant rental property close and said he'd love to share a little more conversation with me. After another drink and more conversation at the rental property, he leaned in to kiss me. Again, I said I couldn't. But didn't leave immediately.

 

An hour later, I walked over to him and softly kissed his cheek, abandoning all of my morals. We were intimate multiple times and the evening was perfect. We kissed goodnight around 2 am and he asked if I thought we would do this again. I said no. Beginning the next morning, we began talking daily and seeing each other once or twice a week.

 

When the affair started we both made it clear it was a physical relationship only. I told him multiple times "this is just sex, nothing else". He agreed and even reminded me one night that there was "no future" with him. We decided once I got married (my decision) we would stop. The NC around my wedding only lasted two weeks. We didn't stop or sara away from each other.

 

Now it's been 10 months. We call each other pet names, spend nights out of town together, and even say we miss each other. We do not say we're in love but use the word love: "love seeing you", "would love to" etc

I'm terrified. I don't know what we're doing anymore. Don't know if he has feelings, if he doesn't, or even if I want him to. We are both married and neither of us are leaving or even considering it. But somehow I feel like having him in my life makes it and me better.

 

I wanted/needed to finally share. Feel free to comment or ask questions if you'd like :-)

[Pierre]

My MM and I have been enjoying a PA for about 10 months and have not told a soul. I'm new to the site and wanted to get my story out there. I'm curious what other people think and honestly just need to tell someone.

 

Let me start by saying I am mid twenties, educated, former model, active, fun, etc. MM is almost twice my age, active, fun, attractive, amazing :-)

There are no financial gains, gifts, ego boosts, or other motives in our "relationship" - we simply enjoy each other. We are open, honest, and supportive of one another. But we are totally a secret and have no intentions of ever being anything other than what we are.

 

Before MM and I seduced one another, I had never had a one night stand, cheated, or even slept with a man I wasn't exclusive with. He had cheated before but had never "sustained" with another woman. Simply one nighters and sex only.

 

The night that changed everything was crisp fall evening, we decided to join some colleagues for a happy hour. It was completely innocent. As the night pushed on the chemistry between us was undeniable. We left the industry event and moved to a private upscale restaurant. We shared martinis and glasses of wine and shared amazing conversation. After a few hours he reached for m hand (I let him) and led me to his car. He asked if I wanted to get a hotel room - I declined. He smiled and said he had an vacant rental property close and said he'd love to share a little more conversation with me. After another drink and more conversation at the rental property, he leaned in to kiss me. Again, I said I couldn't. But didn't leave immediately.

 

An hour later, I walked over to him and softly kissed his cheek, abandoning all of my morals. We were intimate multiple times and the evening was perfect. We kissed goodnight around 2 am and he asked if I thought we would do this again. I said no. Beginning the next morning, we began talking daily and seeing each other once or twice a week.

 

When the affair started we both made it clear it was a physical relationship only. I told him multiple times "this is just sex, nothing else". He agreed and even reminded me one night that there was "no future" with him. We decided once I got married (my decision) we would stop. The NC around my wedding only lasted two weeks. We didn't stop or sara away from each other.

 

Now it's been 10 months. We call each other pet names, spend nights out of town together, and even say we miss each other. We do not say we're in love but use the word love: "love seeing you", "would love to" etc

I'm terrified. I don't know what we're doing anymore. Don't know if he has feelings, if he doesn't, or even if I want him to. We are both married and neither of us are leaving or even considering it. But somehow I feel like having him in my life makes it and me better.

 

I wanted/needed to finally share. Feel free to comment or ask questions if you'd like :-)

 

Your story is extremely common and it has all the typical clichés.

 

Your are both cake eaters and hopefully this is all about sex and nothing else. I pray you do not fall in love with this old guy.

 

I assume your H is impotent or does not want sex with you. So perhaps you had no choice in this matter.

 

Since MM is a former cheater I would continue to use condoms, but who knows maybe you are going bareback. The two of you should get checked for STDs to avoid issues with the spouses at home. But, I assume neither of you get a whole lot of sex at home.

 

Enjoy the ride. Buy affair phones and keep them away. Using your regular phones for the affair is dangerous.

[Red Wolverine]

Here's my take:

 

You're in love with him and the upscale places he takes you.

He's in love with the sex and attention from a former model.

 

You probably thought MM would suggest you calling off your wedding to be with him and that didn't happen.

You being married actually makes this more comfortable for MM since you theoretically have just as much to lose.

 

I'm assuming your husband doesn't have the money MM has?

MM isn't giving up 50+% of his wealth via a divorce. He has told you that from the start.

 

This will end. How many people are hurt in the process is the only question.

[Pierre]

Oops, I did not see the part where you got married during the affair. I will say that is new and not common in newbie MOW posts.

 

DO you enjoy cuckolding your new husband?

[Ninna]

I tried calling my wedding off multiple times, but in the end said my vows. Not that it makes it better - but I wrote the vows and did not include fidelity. I love my husband with all of my heart and he truly is my best friend. But we are not passionate and haven't been for years. It is selfish - I know and am not proud of it. We have a great marriage (though it is still incredibly new) but we don't have lust for one another.

[Pierre]

I tried calling my wedding off multiple times, but in the end said my vows. Not that it makes it better - but I wrote the vows and did not include fidelity. I love my husband with all of my heart and he truly is my best friend. But we are not passionate and haven't been for years. It is selfish - I know and am not proud of it. We have a great marriage (though it is still incredibly new) but we don't have lust for one another.

 

This is another common trend in the forum. Many MOWs get married with no passion. It seems they get marry to their brother.

 

Why do you do that? Why do you live in such unauthentic manner? Your marriage is a joke. And your relationship with the old OM is not authentic. Why do you choose to live in such a manner? It must be a lot of work to live in a non-authentic manner. Now, you have to fake 24/7/ This must be exhausting!

[Ninna]

I can see I'm a big hit - but I welcomed and asked for the conversation.... So here are some answers.

 

MM lives very similar lifestyle to my husband and I. We are all very successful and he and I take turns paying for airfare, hotel rooms, dinners etc. he absolutely does not take care of me in any way. My husband affords me the safe luxuries MM does his wife. Similar demographics.

 

100% use condoms - yes I'll admit we are "cake eaters"

 

Between his wife and myself, I can't imagine MM has time for another BUT I would not assume or expect anything less.

 

No I don't enjoy disrespecting my husband and the vows were an amazingly terrible excuse/gesture.

 

Side Note: I've read many previous threads and find one thing about this group very interesting. You seem to support the people that have affairs, relationships with MM's children, and support their want/need to break marriages and eventually "be together" ... Yet you're hammering me pretty hard for being honest about enjoying sex and a relationship with a MM and having no intention of either of us divorcing. I just find it curious.

[Silly_Girl]

I love my husband with all of my heart and he truly is my best friend.

 

Ninna - are you sure about that? You love him with all your heart? I think most people who love someone 'with all their heart' don't do the one thing that would probably hurt them most.

 

I know you say there's no passion, but clearly your affair is more than just physical processes. The new guy is in your heart. I personally think you need to give your situation a bit more thought, understand it better so you'll have a better idea of how to deal with the predicament you're in. Who do you love? What do you want?

[Ninna]

This may seem like silly questions but are you "in love" with either your husband or your MM?

 

I deeply love my husband and care for MM. I am either in denial or am not in love with either of them. Sorry so vague

[Pierre]

 

No I don't enjoy disrespecting my husband and the vows were an amazingly terrible excuse/gesture.

 

I get that. And I thought this was just another philandering story, but it seems you are simply living a highly un-authentic life despite the hotels and the Martinis. You basically have to fake your way through life and that must be stressful.

 

Side Note: I've read many previous threads and find one thing about this group very interesting. You seem to support the people that have affairs, relationships with MM's children, and support their want/need to break marriages and eventually "be together" ... Yet you're hammering me pretty hard for being honest about enjoying sex and a relationship with a MM and having no intention of either of us divorcing. I just find it curious.

 

I was on board with you until you mentioned you got married while having the affair. That has got to be the dumbest move in the planet. Is your H a rich guy and you are dirt poor? Do you need his money?

[Pierre]

I deeply love my husband and care for MM. I am either in denial or am not in love with either of them. Sorry so vague

 

 

I am 100% sure you love your H. The problem is not your love for H. The problem is that you married him while sleeping with the old guy. You should have stopped the wedding. This act needs some serious IC.

 

Why did you marry your H?

[Red Wolverine]

 

Side Note: I've read many previous threads and find one thing about this group very interesting. You seem to support the people that have affairs, relationships with MM's children, and support their want/need to break marriages and eventually "be together" ... Yet you're hammering me pretty hard for being honest about enjoying sex and a relationship with a MM and having no intention of either of us divorcing. I just find it curious.

 

For the most part, I believe most people on this forum support the people in affairs, not the actual affair. Most posters are women who are in deep and in crisis. Those are the people I support.

 

I don't believe anyone supports children being involved in any way.

 

For the few who are in an affair with a married AP who is genuinely going to end their marriage and be together, there is support. The problem is how many OW believe they are in that minority. The realization that they aren't in that group is a harsh reality.

 

Your situation is different. You married a man while having an affair with another. I'm not condoning it, but I can understand how people in unhappy marriages choose affairs. For you, this makes no sense because you married a man knowing he doesn't fulfill you.

[Ninna]

Ok on the vows - lame - I agree!

 

Back story (will probably make it worse but oh well): I've been with Husband 5 years. Married 4 months now. Never ever wanted marriage or children. Went through rough period and pressured then BF for ring. Felt like I needed to be someone's wife to prove I was worth it. Pathetic I know, but it happened. Got a ring - immediately didn't want it. Began affair about three months after engagement. Distance grew with husband during engagement. Things like when/where to get married, budget etc. There were no compromises, only he said goes. Don't want to paint a bad picture, husband is great. But he manages me like one of his employees. His best friend asked me in our wedding day (which was in a different country - we brought 15 total people) if husband was only marrying me for my looks, career, and I enjoy cooking. All irrelevant but a little back story.

 

Oddly, I don't expect my husband to be faithful. I imagine he has disconnected partnership and sex the same way I have.

[Pierre]

Ok on the vows - lame - I agree!

 

Back story (will probably make it worse but oh well): I've been with Husband 5 years. Married 4 months now. Never ever wanted marriage or children. Went through rough period and pressured then BF for ring. Felt like I needed to be someone's wife to prove I was worth it. Pathetic I know, but it happened. Got a ring - immediately didn't want it. Began affair about three months after engagement. Distance grew with husband during engagement. Things like when/where to get married, budget etc. There were no compromises, only he said goes. Don't want to paint a bad picture, husband is great. But he manages me like one of his employees. His best friend asked me in our wedding day (which was in a different country - we brought 15 total people) if husband was only marrying me for my looks, career, and I enjoy cooking. All irrelevant but a little back story.

 

 

OK, I think I have read enough. Your story continues to be very common and typical, the only difference was getting married while having the affair.

 

Women with very low self esteem get married as you did. They somehow hope it will make things better for them. I suspect your H is likely a nice man and most women would be very happy with him.

 

The problem I see is that you are a very unhappy woman and that is why you are having the affair. Even though your H is a good guy you remain unhappy. It sucks to be unhappy, I get that. But, living in a non-authentic manner makes your lack of happiness even worse.

 

You are falling for OM because he gives you a lot of attention and NEW attention is intoxicating. OM will move on and you will feel a 100 times worse. And lastly, your life, the very essence of who you are will continue to be non-authentic---------a fake.

 

You are fixing nothing by faking it. You are fixing nothing by receiving attention to cure your unhappiness.

 

Oddly, I don't expect my husband to be faithful. I imagine he has disconnected partnership and sex the same way I have.

 

To expect fidelity would be the ultimate humiliation to your H.

[Pierre]

Yeah, this is extremely cliche. Right down to the bombshell "he is controlling". It is not uncommon for people to rewrite personalities and marital history when involved in an affair. I question it.

 

Controlling????? Most women would love this controlling type husband.

 

But, it all goes back to the same question. Why?

[Phoenix32]

Ninna, I don't know what to tell you except that they have been rather harsh with me on this forum too. I am in the middle of an affair and have no intentions of ending the affair or my marriage at this time. I love both men in different ways, and I think in some strange twisted way, they each fulfill some need of mine that neither one would be able to alone. So I understand where you are coming from and I say if it's working for you at the moment, enjoy it. But if you start to get conflicted and have guilt, then it's time to figure out what you really want and go from there. If you ever need to talk to someone supportive, feel free to pm me.

[MissBee]

I am kind of curious how many other ladies this MM is wining and dining besides you.

 

Me too, you may be the only longer term OW, but I wouldn't assume from a serial cheater that because you lasted a while means you're the only one. Hope you guys use protection!

 

Ninna...I can understand married people being in a rut and getting into an A. I admittedly find it harder to understand why you'd be cheating on your fiance, try to call off your nuptials, but still decide to marry and continue cheating. It's like throwing yourself head first into the fire, voluntarily. Seems like a waste of time. Also, of course ego boosts are included in this relationship, it exists is every relationship, except that some are fundamentally built on that, and a relationship only about sex is precisely one filled with that.

 

Maybe you and MM should have a talk about your relationship and your feelings for each other.

 

Since fidelity was never promised, you could also talk to your husband and see how he feels about an open marriage? It will make your life a lot easier, where you can openly pursue lust and passion, which you say are missing, with other men.

[Ninna]

Definitely some great info/advice/comments and also a ton of assumptions. Still, it's interesting and appreciated. I do want to clear the air though...

 

Q: Why - A: I married my husband because I love him. I enjoy the life we share, the laughter, the challenge of his intelligence and differing political views, the excitement of investing together, and while I never wanted to be married - if there were one person in the world I could spend forever with - it would be him.

 

With that being said, I am incredibly selfish and have personality traits I enjoy expressing that H doesn't. I'm active, love to travel, thoroughly enjoy intimacy, huge risk taker. I express these sides of myself with MM, H does not enjoy or approve this side of me. A fulfills parts of my life H cannot and MM could never fulfill me in the manner H does.

 

Also, food for thought. "He doesn't compromise" does not mean nor imply he's controlling. We are both very independent. H has family issues which dictated our wedding and were nonnegotiable. AND "I went through a rough period" does not say "very low self esteem". I am modest, I believe beautiful women are a dime a dozen. However, I also know that I am a very beautiful woman, in great shape, intelligent, etc.

 

I (as I'm sure the majority of women in this site are) am an open book. Feel free to ask anything and I will answer - but stop assuming you know and understand and then immediately judging and advising.

[MissBee]

Well let your husband knows and see if he is open to you exploring that without the deceit.

 

However, if you are admittedly selfish, then it is what it is, and the chips will fall where they fall.

 

I would accept MM for what he is giving and don't bother to fall in love and start caring about if you love him or him you. Unfortunately, many women esp, seem to be unable to successfully separate the two.

[WordvAction]

Did you create this post just to get more attention? Kinda feels like you're doing a Q&A more than looking for advice

[Ninna]

Did you create this post just to get more attention? Kinda feels like you're doing a Q&A more than looking for advice

 

It was more of getting things off of my chest. The entire situation is so very new to me. Including myself and the way I've handled it and what I am now capable of. But it seemed to turn into a Q&A given all of the questions and assumptions. I wasn't really looking for advice as much as I just wanted to share.

 

Either way - it wasn't extremely successful!

[Ninna]

Well let your husband knows and see if he is open to you exploring that without the deceit.

 

However, if you are admittedly selfish, then it is what it is, and the chips will fall where they fall.

 

I would accept MM for what he is giving and don't bother to fall in love and start caring about if you love him or him you. Unfortunately, many women esp, seem to be unable to successfully separate the two.

 

Thank you for the great comments - will definitely consider your statements.

[2sure]

If you don't expect fidelity from your husband, and won't give it to him...

 

Those are pretty big life choices that he needs to be aware of. Put everything on the table, living with deception every day....who does that?

[MissBee]

If you don't expect fidelity from your husband, and won't give it to him...

 

Those are pretty big life choices that he needs to be aware of. Put everything on the table, living with deception every day....who does that?

 

I think sometimes we make life waaay more difficult than it needs to be.

[WordvAction]

It was more of getting things off of my chest. The entire situation is so very new to me. Including myself and the way I've handled it and what I am now capable of. But it seemed to turn into a Q&A given all of the questions and assumptions. I wasn't really looking for advice as much as I just wanted to share.

 

Either way - it wasn't extremely successful!

 

Thank you for as least being honest with us I hope you do let your husband know or try and seek an open marriage, as I would hate to get cheated on. But it's your place to do what you believe is best, and I hope you come to a decision that let's you sleep at night.

 

By the way, and by no means am I trying to call you dumb, but you can't expect to go onto a sight that people are visiting because they have been cheated on, had their heart broken, etc. and expect them to be welcome you with open arms, especially over the internet. You've handled it rather civally, but it's funny for me to see people talking about repeatedly cheating on their SO's, and get defensive when told they're doing something wrong. Just my dumb opinion