broke up but now want her back

August 10, 2013

Hi everyone, a little advice here would be great.

Me and my ex-girlfriend finished about 6 weeks ago, and at the time it felt right. I wasn't making her happy, and i was struggling to handle things, and i couldn't carry on being the one upsetting her. We were together about 18 months, it was never meant to be serious but we were very close, she met my family but we we had our separate lives.

I was selfish throughout the relationship, and probably at times took her granted. I just didn't make her my priority, when she made me hers. We even split a few times for a few days, i said i'd change but never fundamentally did. Towards the end i became very stressed with some other issues and that was breaking point.

Since the break-up we've had little contact. After two weeks i rung her and told her i wanted her back. but she said she is 100% sure of things, and can't trust that i'll change. We've had little contact since, other than her telling me she cares about me a lot but i need to respect her need for space so she can get over things.

So since then ive really looked at my issues and started making real changes for myself (long story, please ask if you need more info)

Being clearer with things now has made me want to give 100% to her, I realise now she is everything i want, and i want to be the loving partner she wanted me to be.

I wrote her a letter last week apologizing and taking responsibility for how things worked out. Accepting that at the time breaking up was the right thing to do because i would never had got to this place of beginning change had i not had this time.

Iam pretty sure she still loves me, and i realise now iam completely in love with her, and i want to give her 100%.

I don't what to do now, its tricky. She a strong woman, and doesn't trust i'll change. I know she has options, and iam pretty sure she opened them up fairly quickly after finishing. I know thats got nothing to do with me, I just don't want to leave it too long before she sees change in me in case she moves on.

Ive been a fool i know, but any advice on what i could do? its been 5 days since i sent the letter, i don't want to push her away.

Thanks in advance for your replies guys:)

August 11, 2013

Wow Foulton, your scenario sounds so similar to mine, including the duration of the relationship and time since break up, that I actually had to read your post again carefully to see if you were my guy!! (I realised you weren't when I got to the part where you said you told her you'd change. My guy has never offered to change.)

So, a bit of perspective from the other side:

Firstly, hats off to you for acknowledging your own role in the break up and having reflected seriously about the things you needed to change. It takes genuine maturity and wisdom to do that. However, while its all well and good to promise to change, your girl may need some concrete action on your part to back up your words. E.g in my case, one of the deal breakers in my relationship was that even though things were serious (living together with the talk of marriage), he'd continually solicit contact with random young women from our city on FB, and was secretive about it, hiding his friend list and never once letting me see his phone. So, if he were to promise changes in this area, he'd have to back this up by making his friend list visible to me and show that he'd deleted hundreds of these girls and stopped adding anymore women he didn't know. Simply promising to do so wouldn't be enough. So, maybe take some action on the things you've promised to change to demonstrate to her how serious you are about the changes, and slowly she may come around to believing that you are willing to and capable of change.

If you do this and she still doesn't come around, it might mean that she's no longer interested in being in a relationship with you, at this stage, for whatever reason. In that case, it'll probably be best to give her space.

All the best

August 11, 2013

hi nomi,

Thanks for your reply.

Its very difficult to express and show these changes to her, unless i just write what iam doing in a letter. At the minute she doesn't want contact, and she's just concentrating on being busy and enjoying herself. She's really thowing herself into things and getting back on dating sites.

Some of my changes are tangible, in the sense of doing things differently, and others are emotional that could only be discussed and expressed verbally through talking. I need to continue the change for me first, but how do suggest i show her these changes in the current situation?

To help you out. He needs to come to a place of wanting to change himself. What helped me was talking, alot was talking with family and friends, and coming to conclusions on different senarios throughout the realtionship of why i acted like i did, taking them apart bit by bit. There was alot of different things going wrong me, but ive begun to sort through them. He needs to be completely honest with himself, and swallow his pride. Easy said than done, but he won't change unless he does.

I have alot of people around me who love me. Talking through all this with them, especially my mum and sister has brought us closer together. And its taught me a lesson regarding unconditional love at the same time.

I think ive figured alot of my issues out, but i am looking into therapy to give myself a once over and make sure iam on the right track. Leave no stones unturned. Sounds like your ex really should do the same, maybe you could suggest it. If he says no, then i think it answers you the question that he really isn't thinking deeply enough about things i guess?

Do you contact him at all? or are you just trying to stay no contact, and being a little cold with him?

Private message me if you like

August 12, 2013

Hi Foulton,

It's hard to advise you without knowing exactly what you have had to change. But what I can say is that if she's already on dating sites, it could be a sign that she's moved on. Because when you're still heartbroken from a break up and pining for your ex, it's hard to even imagine dating something else. Perhaps give her the space she's requested (at least for awhile), and see what happens. Not hearing from you will make her miss you more and to more likely want you back in her life (it's simply human nature to want what you don't have.) Nonetheless you sound like someone who's very self aware and insightful and I'm sure in time you'll come to realise what the right thing to do would be.

Thanks for your advice for my case also. The case with my guy is extremely complicated, mainly because of his mental health issues. I don't want to hijack your thread by talking about them here (will start own thread when I have time), but briefly, a close family member of his has tried for years to get him to seek counselling and he's never been interested. I've requested NC since the break up, and he's only started to oblige this week. I have a feeling he's moved on.

August 12, 2013

Im sorry but if she really loved you then she wouldn't be able to walk away like that without looking back ONCE.

Especially with a heartfelt handwritten letter; if she has any love in her heart she would reach out to you after that. I understand being a strong empowered woman but no human is perfect; and giving someone a second chance especially someone you used to LOVE is natural.

Everyone deserves a SECOND chance (not 16) and if she can't even give you that, then you should try and move on. If she loves you she will come to her senses when she's done rebounding from the relationship (aka done distracting herself with other meaningless flings) and re read your letter and re-think your relationship.

Thats what I think anyway and if she doesn't. Then bye bye

August 13, 2013

I agree, likeagunshot. But I also think that sometimes, you can love someone but choose not to be with them due to major incompatibilities.

So, Foulton's ex might still love him, but does not want to be with him/believe their relationship will work out for whatever reason/s. Eg she may have little faith that the changes central to his original post can occur. Or she may think that what he has to offer in the relationship is not worth her giving up the benefits of being single. It doesn't mean she doesn't or no longer loves him.

I love my guy but can't be with him unless he acknowledges his mental health issues.

August 13, 2013

Do you really think 6 weeks is enough for change? I am on a similar boat, although going on 4 months, but the first 2 months I said I was changing, all the while, pushing her farther away with over-texting and anxiety. So I hadn't changed. Now, 7 weeks of NC on my part are giving me perspective, so I am really changing for myself, but counting on NC as well for her to miss me and see that I RESPECT her. Me saying I changed won't do anything. Of course, we need to say something to get into the door to show. But do you really think 6 weeks is enough time? She knows it may not be, so she may not trust you in that regard.

August 13, 2013

Templeofmax. Thanks for replying. I do agree to some extent, to say ive changed completely would be over doing it. But I would say I say ive recognosed patterns of behaviour and thoughts that ultimately led to my actions and ultimately the split. Changing over night would be difficult for anyone to comprehend, but I feel ive covered all bases and beginning to add weight throughout to make them solid.

I have my first counciling session this afternoon. Iam having a sticking point regarding commitment, I get complete anxiety with it. Utimately I take responsibility to act like I do, but I wondering if this may be behind some of my issues. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6, and my mum recently told me she couldn't get me out of my bedroom where I cried for 2 weeks after my dad left. Iam skepitcal but we'll see. I do want to have children one day, not fussed when, and I know that I get trepidation when I meet someone that I find attractive and enjoy spending time with that it wont last forever and just end up with a broken home....um, it helps just writing that, and it sounds ridiculous. Maybe the counciling will help:rolleyes:

Nomi, I took time to read your posts. Your doing the right thing, and if he is moving on then I feel sorry for the new woman, because it sounds he clearly isn't getting IT. Stay strong xx. Thanks again for replying, its really helping writing on here.

Just to add a few details. She's always wanted to go traveling, and I was never against her going away, always supported her. Deep down I knew that is what she wanted, she would just resent me long term if I stopped her. she always did say she wouldn't go for a long time if she knew we were solid. Now she will be taking a sebatical from were we work for 12 months in October to travel the world. She's age 24 and iam 30. We work for the same organisation where iam beginning to get some great opportunities, so traveling was never on my agenda. My heart tells me she loves me, but the chance of reconciliation given the scenario is zero to be honest. Iam sure you'll agree.

August 13, 2013

Do you really think 6 weeks is enough for change? I am on a similar boat, although going on 4 months, but the first 2 months I said I was changing, all the while, pushing her farther away with over-texting and anxiety. So I hadn't changed. Now, 7 weeks of NC on my part are giving me perspective, so I am really changing for myself, but counting on NC as well for her to miss me and see that I RESPECT her. Me saying I changed won't do anything. Of course, we need to say something to get into the door to show. But do you really think 6 weeks is enough time? She knows it may not be, so she may not trust you in that regard.

Temple, what have you had to change?

August 14, 2013

I had anger issues, but my ex was insecure and sometimes hard to talk to as she just stormed out and did not face things. Sometimes drove me insane! That said, I was also guilty sometimes of starting my own unnecessary ****, for which I feel really guilty. So I have had space and time to realize the why of my reactions and lack of patience. In your case, I am not a psychiatrist, but I think you probably have insecurity about what happened to you when you were a child. I guess I learned from my relationship. Maybe you have a fear of commitment and that same fear leads to you being angry and frustrated so to speak, and you reflect it upon your significant other.

August 14, 2013

wow, temple. Maybe you should have been a shrink. I went to a counciller today and it was clear from the off that this was exactly my problem. Been great to get it out and understand it all, really opened my heart.

I met my ex today, she got in touch and wanted to meet. She was saying some pretty strange stuff. That i should go out dating, that she's not the one for me, that she doesn't believe iam in love with her, that her heart isn't with me but no-one else. But contracting it all by saying shes been out on dates but no one compares to me, that she would have taken me back early after the split, and maybe in some years time we can be together. Quite negative stuff really, which is in her personality and she resorts to this alot, i think to protect herself.

Nevertheless, i told her from my heart iam utterly in love with her, which was a great feeling to say. She rung me some hours later, she wanted to tell me that maybe we shouldn't talk and that meeting up was a bad idea, that she's taken me off facebook. We had long nice chat about all other stuff for about an hour, it was cool. she did say i'd thrown a rock of dinimite in her defences.

Not sure whether she needs more reassurance, maybe some flowers to her work (i really do think she'd like them), maybe perhaps just be more persistant and not wait for her start pursuing her again, or maybe i just need to sit tight because i've said it all. I just feel she thinks she's being strong and proving something to herself by doing all this, putting up this big wall, and not instead embracing it all and accepting it. She's seen first hand iam doing well, and that ive made good progress.

August 14, 2013

Foulton, from a dumper's point of view, her actions and words do not sound promising. Sounds like she's already made up her mind that she no longer thinks being with you is the right thing for her. Just the fact that she's taken a year off work to travel says more than a thousand words.

Naturally she misses you and is still vulnerable, but I can almost guarantee that if she does get back together with you at this point in time, it wouldn't last. I say this because from the sounds of things, she didn't just leave you due to the changes you mentioned, but that she longed for the single life (aka GIGS) & to experience the adventures of travelling on her own. My advice is still to give her space for the time being and just continue to work on yourself.

Thanks again for your insights on my case...you're 100% right, he just DOESN'T GET IT!

August 14, 2013

I love her and want to be with her...but iam wondering now, should I just set her free?

August 15, 2013

Well, most definitely you are still in contact, but she sounds insecure as well. During my first 2-month breakup, she said to forget her, find somebody else, et. Afterwards she told me she missed me a lot. I would suggest just leave her be for a while. Give her some space. Its not like she is ignoring you or anything like that.

August 17, 2013

another update.

I sent her message saying I was thinking of her the other day, and she replied that she had fallen asleep at the wheel at work and crashed her car. she was waiting for recovery. She said she was fine, but I insisted that I come and get her after work, I didn't want her driving the 45 minutes home after work tired. She was angry at me, and told me she was okay, she didn't want help and I shouldn't force myself on her. It was tricky, but I was wanted to be certain she was okay. She asked me if I could see that my actions looked suspicious, I said understood but I cared, and we left it at that.

Afterwards, we stayed around and chatted for 3 hours. Flicking between serious deep and meaningful, to light conversation. She explained again that she doesn't want to be with me, doesn't trust me, that she's happy, that her heart and her mind aren't with me, and that she's moved on.

I told her that iam going to fight for her, and she said on your head be it, you have been warned. She said she doesn't know where I get my drive from, she thinks its just because I like a challenge, but in the end it will do me no good. She followed it up by saying, right now she's just enjoying the attention. Just like the attention she is getting from dating.

She brought up all the bad stuff from the relationship, and concluded that it was just convienience for us both. I told her I knew exactly how she felt about me, and it had nothing to do with convieniance. I told her even my family knew how much she loved me, from the way she was and looked at me.

Her words again just seemed empty, and it just feels that the more she can repeat this stuff the easier it is to move on. She even said at the end that she needs to speak to her friend now to get back on track. She went as far as giving me her friends number, and telling me I should speak to her too. I don't know why, any thoughts???. I think maybe her friend is her support, telling her constantly iam no good for her, I don't know.

Shes wiping away and trying to forget about the stuff that actually brought us together. She says iam a great guy, and she sees all the things that attracted me to her, but she says iam different person in a relationship.

We are still in friendly contact, even though she said she wants space. She says she really wants us to be friends.

She is doing well, and on the face of it she does seem happy. And certainly she's looking forward to travelling as we all would.

I text her telling her iam thinking of her, and things like that. Stuff I wouldn't have done when we were seeing each other. She does reply. Sometimes telling me I should stop thinking, because it'll do me no good. But always friendly, and sometimes she asks me questions.

So...where do I go. She knows iam changing my ways, and she can see iam doing well. But am I setting myself up for a fall? My heart says fight but my mind is saying iam mad!! My family and friends say it doesn't sound good, but you must follow your heart.

August 17, 2013

At this point it seems she has it in her head that she doesn't want to be in the relationship. And there is nothing you can do at this point to make her change her mind. Been there. It's going to take some time for her to get out what she needs to get out and then she may come around. Sounds like she may also want to see what else is out there while knowing she has you on the line if she ever wanted to come back. It's win win for her and you suffer in the process. Been there also. Mine came back after 8 months and not until I started getting involved in another relationship. She got jealous and saw that I might be moving on or falling for another girl. Turns out we did get back together but I never had the time to see if I really liked this other girl and after 4 months back together I started seeing this other girl kind of again. It broke us up and I still see this other girl but realize she's not the one and now I miss my ex. That's the breaks! But in your case, you need to leave her be for a while and date other girls and don't be her safety net. The sooner you start the better. She wants to just keep you hanging on. They give you just enough to keep you dangling so they don't have to completely severe the tie and keep you there in case she ever wants you again. People don't want what they can easily have. You aren't making yourself attractive to her if she can snap her fingers and you'll be there. You'll drive yourself insane if u keep this up also. Try nc for at least two weeks. You'll feel differently. Then if u want to contact her u can. I think you guys may just need some time apart. For better or for worse.

August 17, 2013

Agree with Bill 100%!!!!! Sometimes they have us wrapped around their finger. I have been 2 months no contact after 2 months of me reaching and her ignoring me after a 2.5 year relationship. She is the jealous type, always wondering if I would abandon her (how funny life is), so I ask myself, if I make myself unavailable, she is BOUND to wonder, especially after the break-up happened not for lack of feelings. Maybe I am wrong, but even then, NC has helped me. I still have ways to go, but I still keep hope. If I continued to be there, she would just LOVE the attention and I would be a fool. So, go NC, see how SHE REACTS!!!!

August 20, 2013

Hi guys, another update on matters, again any input would be great.

Its been 5 days since I last updated, and we've been in regular contact. Ive been texting her every day, being friendly, telling her nice things, telling her iam thinking of her, chucking in few funny remarks and pictures and stuff.

We video chatted the other night, and it was to tell her I couldn't keep it up the persitant contact (its been emotionally draining). I told her i wouldn't give up on her so i wanted to show her I could be consistent with the good stuff, to show her daily I cared and thought of her. This was one aspect that was missing from the relationship, so I felt that if I kept this up the trust that I loved her would come back, and she would believe that this change in me is permanent. It all just felt though I was chasing her, and although she responded well, it's emotionally draining.

When telling her she said she understood, that she did tell me so, but I sensed an air of disappointment. Which kind of gave me a spur/hope i guess. We then talked about it, and rationalised it that it may not be chasing but actually can be seen as proving to her. This changed my attitude a little. I did ask her that if i persisited would things change, would she then trust me, she said 'i don't know'. We talked for another hour about stuff, this and that, she really needed to get off to sleep but she did stay on the line a hell of a lot longer.

A few things she said. She said she spoke to her friends about me changing, and that she could see a change. She concluded and they agreed that she should wait till she goes travelling and when she comes back see how she feels and maybe we could date.

I asked her also, how does she feel about me at the minute, and she said she thinks she feels sorry for me, but she wasn't quite sure about that yet. We got on the subject of sex, and she asked, does that not just make you feel weird now. I said no. And she said maybe we are just better as best friends.

We talked about dating too, I know she is dating someone, i have a sense she's excited by it.

I told her iam not going to date anyone, because i feel it would ruin my integrity. And dating someone would go against everything that i want, and want to express and show her.

So iam in abit of muddle. Will continuing this persistence and consistency begin to show her ive changed and push her to rethink more. Or will it inevitably push her away and just lose all the attraction she had for me.

Have i done enough already? I wonder if i just stopped, i feel she would be able to say, told you so.

Also, she replied once with a semi-flirty/tease text, i didn't know how to respond at first. Iam being fun with some texts, but not really flirty. I didn't know how to take it, it felt...inappropriate at first. I ended up responding with a little flirt text, but didn't get anything back. I don't want it to be a game, should i tell her, play along, or just ignore the flirting?

I wonder too peeps, am i upholding my self-respect here??

Thanks in advance everyone.

August 20, 2013

I agree with the last two posters, temple and bill. I think you're on very dodgy ground here, for yourself and your own healing, I mean.

I wouldn't advise that you just disappear because you've got daily comms ongoing. I'd reiterate that you are willing to make changes, that you have already made some changes, but that you need to let her go until she is prepared to give you one more chance.

August 20, 2013

calcmag, yeah I get that. But to get maximum possibility of getting her back, shouldn't I keep showing her these changes. To show her that its permanent. Or really, have I done enough now?

August 20, 2013

calcmag, yeah I get that. But to get maximum possibility of getting her back, shouldn't I keep showing her these changes. To show her that its permanent. Or really, have I done enough now?

I think you've done enough. Of course, I don't know her like you know her, but from what you've posted about what she's said, I really don't think she's in a place where she wants to reconcile with you right now.

I understand your desire to hang in there....I do ..... but I don't know what else you can do. At this point she's done.

If you stick around as you are now, you're likely to be friendzoned. And believe me that will hurt you more than a clean break up.

Give her some time and space - that may be just the thing she needs to forgive you fully and give you another chance. People do get second chances. It doesn't always work out, but sometimes it does.

I may have missed it, but did you say why she doesn't trust you? Is this about cheating or trust in other ways?

August 20, 2013

she doesn't trust that i'd change my ways. We've broke up a few times for few days in the past because I wasn't making her a priority. I said i'd change but I didn't. We sometimes wouldn't see each other for a while, she was always the one trying to make things work. I never gave it 100%, and she always didn't know what I was thinking. Regretably, I wasn't a very nice person at times. She thinks the whole relationship was just convienice. I know she wanted to make things work, but she's just had enough now.

I never opened my heart and treated her with the love she deserves. Its been a massive learning curve for me and why I went to seek professional help, because I cant let this happen again. She was a gem.

August 20, 2013

thankyou calcmag for your reply btw.

August 20, 2013

I think you have done everything you could to lose your dignity enough. She is clearly stringing you along, has you on a leash and takes you out to walk when she pleases. Based on your last update, she has not provided you with ONE concrete lead, she has absolutely not clue what she wounds yet she is already dating which is still unclear. I can only suggest to write this one off, pick yourself up and move forward, easier said than done but from what I can see you are only prolonging the inevitable.

August 20, 2013

she doesn't trust that i'd change my ways. We've broke up a few times for few days in the past because I wasn't making her a priority. I said i'd change but I didn't. We sometimes wouldn't see each other for a while, she was always the one trying to make things work. I never gave it 100%, and she always didn't know what I was thinking. Regretably, I wasn't a very nice person at times. She thinks the whole relationship was just convienice. I know she wanted to make things work, but she's just had enough now.
I never opened my heart and treated her with the love she deserves. Its been a massive learning curve for me and why I went to seek professional help, because I cant let this happen again. She was a gem.

Now that you've written this, I can see exactly why you want to hang in there so you can prove that you've changed.

But as I said, her head isn't where it needs to be for a successful reconciliation.

My ex and I broke up for about the one hundredth time several months ago. He broke our NC to try to prove to me that he had changed. At that point, even though I still loved him and missed him so much, I felt like I had nothing left to give emotionally. It was too soon for me. He persisted and the more he persisted the more he pushed me away. When he eventually left me alone and gave me some space, that's when I became open to giving it another try. But it took about 3 months for me to reach that point.

It's still not working out, btw and we're heading for yet another break up, but that's for discussion on my own thread !

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