PootieMandela Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Hey all. Long time listener, first time caller. My ex girlfriend cheated on me. Not my first relationship to end that way, but this one is really bringing me down. The lies didn't help as well. It's almost been two months. But this story has been told time and time again, as I have read. By the way, this place has offered an incredible outside perspective and has really helped me out as the typical stages of the less-than-amicable breakup occur. And while the advice you kind folk have offered others is often sound, I haven't exactly followed all of it. No contact being the big one. Dumb, I know. But I have taken up a new hobby, exercise exponentially more, am eating well, catching up on my reading and really trying to make the best of my time alone. Alone being the key word there. You see, I moved about 1000 miles away shortly after. My intent was not entirely to run away, as I live at the beach and see it still as a golden opportunity. But I don't really know many people here, especially around my age. So I have a great deal of idle time. And as we all know, the idle mind tends to drift to the past often, and the idealized version of my ex makes me nostalgic and longing for what I thought I had. I didn't exactly break no contact, as I never started it in the first place. Big mistake, I know, but habits are hard to break. She initiates every text exchange, usually with a "hope things are well" or an apology. Today I texted back a few callous remarks, mostly about her desperate need for validation from others to determine her self-worth and how I'm well when I don't think about her. I believe these to be true, but also rather childish to send them as well as more harmful to my well-being. So I apologized, sent one more message explaining that I was still hurting on a daily basis and promised myself that NC goes into effect today. But I have an intent. A goal for all of this. I want to forgive her. I don't want her in my life anymore, but I want to forgive. I don't want to be spiteful. I don't want to harbor resentment or anger. I feel like forgiveness will help me move forward. Allow me to trust others again. Maybe even open myself up the the possibility of a new relationship. I've been through this before so I speak with a little experience, but the past happened to repeat itself with me ex. So I have been left with some serious doubts. So I ask: Am I on the wrong train of thought? (I will happily divulge more detail about the relationship, breakup, etc. if necessary. Just trying to get to the point)
Darren Steez Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 You can forgive her but you dont have to talk to her do you? Chatting with her seems to bring out the bitterness and resentment that may still linger, and perhaps it will never go away..why should it? You may forgive but you will never forget. You'll never be like it once was, not even close, so communicating with the "Hope everything is well, hope you're ok, hope you forgive me" is counter productive because truth is you're maintaining contact for the wrong reasons. You can't move on if you hold onto the past can you? You say you live by the beach? Take one day to sit down and reflect on her and what she did, come to terms with the fact it was not your fault, and as the sun sets, let it set on that past so when the sun comes out you never look back to what was and cannot be undone. Only what is, and that you've forgiven her and moved on. p.s Maintain strict NC
Author PootieMandela Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 You're absolutely right. Remaining in communication has really stifled my ability to move on. I was on the beach this morning when she texted me, actually. I was reading a book, waiting for the clouds to part to go surfing and just gearing up to have a peaceful day. And then it hit me like a punch. And that whole exchange just sank that notion completely. It became pretty obvious NC is the only option. Before today the last time she shot me a text was 8 or 9 days ago. I was sleeping so it wasn't a struggle to resist replying. And aside from brief moments I had my focus on my future rather than the past for the last couple weeks. So today really felt like a backtrack with the progress I've been trying to make.
WordvAction Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that and good for you for trying to better yourself as a person. Keeping in Contact is just a bad idea. If you get anything from my post, it's that you need to go No Contact to move on. Everyone has had to do it, I'm sure you've had to as well. You say it's a habit; it's actually an addiction. Being around someone you "love" bring about dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in the brain, going without them for a while makes your brain crave those chemicals. You need to think of this like breaking a bad addiction before it gets that much worse. If that doesn't work, look at it this way. This person willingly hurt you, and did not give a **** about it. After she did something she knew would hurt you, she lied to you about it. Would you be friends with a kid that stabbed you in the back, then lied about it?
Author PootieMandela Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Would you be friends with a kid that stabbed you in the back, then lied about it? When the subject comes up, I've been telling close friends and family that I was most certainly stabbed in the back. But I also dodged a bullet and consider myself extremely lucky to be out. Before she cheated and kicked me out, I was working graveyard shifts. Had been for years and was how we met. She moved onto different jobs during normal hours and I remained working graves. Not the greatest lifestyle but you have to pay the bills. It began taking a toll on our relationship, her having to be alone nearly every night while I worked, and I was sympathetic. Not only for her behalf but I too was tired of being up all night. It had been almost 5 consecutive years of graveyards and it became brutal. So I chose to work day shifts at my old job after some serious discussion between the two of us. It would require me to lose a significant amount of hours. Big financial hit. But we worked it out and it was possible. She cheated on me 2 weeks before I switched (while I was at work), kicked me out of the house a week later. Left me in a position where I was unable to financially support myself. Hence me taking the opportunity to leave and seek a better life. She never admitted to me that she cheated, but I knew something was up. When somebody dumps you and doesn't have concrete rationale the red flags go up. So the day before I moved out of the house I looked through her phone (something I don't do, but what was she going to do? Break up with me?) and there it was plain as day. I actually felt better knowing what I had already suspected. And learning that the person I loved wasn't the person I was dating. Closest thing to closure I think I can get out of this. To be honest though... there was something that made me angry. I'm still pretty pissed about it, actually. I was reading through the texts to the OM, and she was using MY jokes to try and pick up on him. Man... **** that. Come up with your own material! Its not like it costs money to make up a damn joke.
WordvAction Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 When the subject comes up, I've been telling close friends and family that I was most certainly stabbed in the back. But I also dodged a bullet and consider myself extremely lucky to be out. Before she cheated and kicked me out, I was working graveyard shifts. Had been for years and was how we met. She moved onto different jobs during normal hours and I remained working graves. Not the greatest lifestyle but you have to pay the bills. It began taking a toll on our relationship, her having to be alone nearly every night while I worked, and I was sympathetic. Not only for her behalf but I too was tired of being up all night. It had been almost 5 consecutive years of graveyards and it became brutal. So I chose to work day shifts at my old job after some serious discussion between the two of us. It would require me to lose a significant amount of hours. Big financial hit. But we worked it out and it was possible. She cheated on me 2 weeks before I switched (while I was at work), kicked me out of the house a week later. Left me in a position where I was unable to financially support myself. Hence me taking the opportunity to leave and seek a better life. She never admitted to me that she cheated, but I knew something was up. When somebody dumps you and doesn't have concrete rationale the red flags go up. So the day before I moved out of the house I looked through her phone (something I don't do, but what was she going to do? Break up with me?) and there it was plain as day. I actually felt better knowing what I had already suspected. And learning that the person I loved wasn't the person I was dating. Closest thing to closure I think I can get out of this. To be honest though... there was something that made me angry. I'm still pretty pissed about it, actually. I was reading through the texts to the OM, and she was using MY jokes to try and pick up on him. Man... **** that. Come up with your own material! Its not like it costs money to make up a damn joke. HAHAHA the fact that you're pissed she's stealing your jokes...priceless. You're a good person man. I've said this before in other threads, but it's going to be a while before you get true closure; and when you do get it, you won't even realize it. In the meantime, re-read your last two posts, and give me one legitimate reason why shouldn't remove this garbage from your life. That's right, there is none. Cut this hua off.
Author PootieMandela Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Thanks! I know it seems weird, but the joke thing is seriously the one thing thats making me like, actually mad about the whole situation. It's like she has no discernible personality of her own to win the affection of others, but has to use facets of mine. I suppose it should be flattering, knowing she thinks my material born of my personality will work in attracting people.
Author PootieMandela Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Okay... Blocked her and the OM on Facebook and unfriended all her family and friends. Deleted all of the texts, PM's and her phone number. Its time for me to take this a bit more seriously and focus on me rather than what she's up to. I've spent the last two months wishing that her life would just fall apart without me. But what I should be doing is making the effort to have my life NOT fall apart from not moving on. 1
bob the brave Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Wanting peace of mind and heart is never bad, but let's be real. You are forgiving her to remove her power over you. This way you are telling yourself, she no longer matters in your life so you are free to move on. I guess that is one way to do it. Many people have success with this. I tend to view it from a practical sense. If you are bit by a dog, you don't forgive it. And you don't distrust all dogs in the future. You learn from your mistake to be more careful. You become wiser, learn to spot warning signs you might get bit and appreciate dogs that don't bite more.
Author PootieMandela Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Emailed me yesterday. This is after 2 days of blocking her out of social media. This is beginning to look like some weird cyber stalking stuff. The email was about needing my new forwarding address. Which would seem logical if it were 6 weeks ago when I moved out. I changed my address through USPS almost immediately and my mail has been forwarded ever since. Anybody else find this a little odd?
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