Ex keeps popping up in my head

[J21]

Hello, I'm sorry for the wall of text below, but I just wanted some outsider perspective.

 

It's been about 7 months ago since I broke up with my ex (relationship lasted 8 months). The relationship was pretty serious since we did talk about marriage, having kids, buying a house someday--I am 31M and she is 34F. Just a quick back story about our relationship and why it ended.

 

Things were going really well until she switch jobs from a stable "9 to 6 job" to a start up company. The new company required long hours, plus weekends (which she knew about ahead of time). She said she wanted the challenge since she was bored at her old company. While she was discussing whether she should move or not, I hinted I didn't want her to move because I knew the dynamics of our relationship would change. She wanted to switch jobs, and her parents/friends were encouraging it as well. In addition, it was still relatively early while we were dating (i think 3 months in); so I didn't want to come off as selfish (like I'm holding her back) and felt I couldn't press too hard on it.

 

Fast forward 2 months into her job and our relationship just seemed to progressively get worse. I got to see her less and less, and she was always busy/stressed, or in a bad mood because of work. Her texts became less and less responsive since she was always swamped. I would wait for her all night just to talk to her for a few minutes since she would come home around 11pm or 12am daily. (I have a regular 8 to 5).

 

Believe me, this was the most serious relationship I had in a long time and I tried my best to do what I could do. I tried cheering her up and giving her moral support, but eventually even that started to wear thin; It began to feel like a one sided relationship and took a toll on me. Eventually I would see her once every two weeks, for only a few hours. She lived 45 minutes away, but I would always want to drive to see her even if it was for a little bit. She would get a call from her manager (while we were on that "once-every two weeks-for a few hours" date) about numbers on her spreadsheets not matching and she would immediately be put in a bad mood. Again, I did what I could to cheer her up, put on her favorite song in the car, tell her how my (ex) gf was right, and the manager was crazy, held her, gave her kisses, etc, etc. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. When it did work, she would back to her former self and enjoyed our brief date together. The times it didn't work, she was just cold, one example: I would hug her and affectionately touch her hair and smile at her, she would be like "stop touching my hair".

 

Eventually a breaking point did come, and I initiated the break up talk. I beared it as long as I thought I could, but at the end of the day I genuinely felt neglected, taken for granted, uncared for, unrespected and was miserable at what the relationship has become. We broke up in amicable terms (more or less) no yelling or shouting, just some tearful, heart to heart talk. She attributed it to me "not being understanding of her situation", but I responded with "what about all those times we couldn't meet and I just accepted it, do they not count for anything? I wait 2 weeks to see you and you tell me I'm not being understanding? How would you feel if you waited 2 weeks to see me and I just tell you I'm tired?" She saw my perspective and changed it to "bad timing" of her career.

 

She did not want to break up though--She repeatedly asked me if I could wait another month for things to get better but I was just so unappreciated and hurt I didn't respond. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship but felt like I got nothing back. I told her couples break up and get back together all the time, and maybe it will happen to us someday.

 

She told me if I ever get burdened or sad, to give her a call because she would answer. I was very burdened and saddened after the break up, but I did not call. I thought at the time I would be able to overcome this just other heartbreaks in my lifetime.

 

We've had no contact since January, and I realize we've been separated as long as we've dated, but she still pops up in my mind every now and then. I can't help it. I've had vivid dreams about her lately too. I had one last night where we got back together and I was happy in my dream. I had another one a few weeks back where she told me she didn't think the break up was for real and was waiting for me to come back to her.

 

I did date another girl for 1.5 months, but ended it with her because I realize we weren't really compatible. After 2 "failed" relationships relatively back to back, I went on a "dating detox" for about 3.5 months since then. I feel ready to date again soon but was wondering if I should try to give it another go with the ex? My friends tell me if "she got less busy and wanted to get back together she would've called", but others tell me "you broke up with her so its incumbent upon you to make the first move". Both valid reasoning.

 

I realize my chances are very slim and there's a strong possibility she may have already moved on. What I am afraid of is I have recovered a lot since January. I mean it still hurts when I think that she could have potentially been my wife. But I don't want to reopen that wound or play "shoulda, woulda, coulda" scenarios if I don't need to.

 

But I guess I wanted opinion from neutral parties. Thank you if you read this all, and I appreciate any comments whether good or bad.

Edited August 10, 2013 by J21

[Charym88]

Give the girl a call, she gave you permission to do so. I wish my ex would have given me the go like that. Call her, if that's what your heart desires.

[singme2sleep]

Call her! Life is short...fight for what you want!!!

[J21]

Thank you both for the encouragement.

 

A part of me is realistic, and thinking maybe 7 month is already too much passed time. We've both had no contact since January and it seems like I'm trying to revive something that's already dead?

 

Has anyone broke up for an extended period of time and successfully got back together?

 

Give the girl a call, she gave you permission to do so. I wish my ex would have given me the go like that. Call her, if that's what your heart desires.

 

Call her! Life is short...fight for what you want!!!

[Charym88]

Thank you both for the encouragement.

 

A part of me is realistic, and thinking maybe 7 month is already too much passed time. We've both had no contact since January and it seems like I'm trying to revive something that's already dead?

 

Has anyone broke up for an extended period of time and successfully got back together?

 

I broke up with an ex approximately 8 years ago and I had the opportunity to get him back, so in 7 months is very possible. Some people go 5-15 years of NC and get back together. There is a lot of hope. If not now, probably later.