How Do I Get Over This Breakup?

[goodnightrebecca]

I've already written a couple threads about what actually happened between me and my ex, but on here I just want to focus on what I realized over the past couple of days.

 

Since those threads I have gotten a little closure as to why my girlfriend for 2-years (friends for 4) decided to, almost out-of-the-blue, break it off. It wasn't because of anything that one person had done, but more because of personality differences and a lack of communication upon her part. She would tell everyone else about the issues we were having without ever coming to me and talking about them, leaving me almost hopeless to fix it.

 

What I've realized over the past few days is that I was feeling the same way as her for months, I even remember thinking it would be easier if she just broke up with me so I wouldn't have to break her heart. We just never had an emotional connection, and all I can think ever since we broke up is how good she looks (shallow?). I don't think we were ever truly in "love" (because we never connected emotionally).

 

So my question here is why am I all of a sudden feeling so strongly for her? Is it just the rejected feeling of it all and the fact that it caught me off guard and I had no time to prepare? Or is it because me and this girl had orbited around each other for a very very long time (she had been a childhood crush of mine, and she was the one remaining anchor left from high school that I kinda hung on to in my ever changing life).

 

Every morning when I wake up I think about her, yet when Im out with friends or talking to another girl I feel better. I know this comes in waves and all but is what I feel the actual mourning of a love? or is it the mourning of a person who I had an physical attraction to and a lot of memories with?

 

It still kills me to think of her with another guy, and I do miss calling her my girlfriend, but I've accepted the fact that I could never of lasted with someone so different from me and so emotionally closed off...

 

 

 

So how should I go about getting over this? How do I fill the void that she has left in my life? Will it get any easier? Its been 2 weeks..

Edited August 10, 2013 by goodnightrebecca

[dgiirl]

She would tell everyone else about the issues we were having without ever coming to me and talking about them, leaving me almost hopeless to fix it.

 

I did not read your backstory, but it always astonishes me that someone would think things would get better without even trying or talking about the issues. You really NEED someone who will communicate to YOU. Sometimes, the other person won't hear or doesn't understand your issues as serious, so it's definitely work on both sides to learn how to communicate, both have to really listen and express the seriousness of the issue. It sounds like to me she has never learned this lesson yet and you deserve someone who has.

 

What I've realized over the past few days is that I was feeling the same way as her for months, I even remember thinking it would be easier if she just broke up with me so I wouldn't have to break her heart.

 

I've had two past serious relationships where I knew something was off. The first one, I allowed myself to be reassured by my exh for years until I was blind-sighted by him leaving. It led to a really painful split. My second relationship, I learned from my first relationship, but I still struggled with whether it was just my insecurities or not. Thankfully, I didn't fully listen to his reassurances that what was happening was "normal". I did try really hard to be patient and work on the relationship and my insecurities, but our breakup was a lot less painful as I could predict it coming. You really need to listen to that gut of yours. It really is a good barometer of whether your relationship needs work or not.

 

 

Every morning when I wake up I think about her, yet when Im out with friends or talking to another girl I feel better. I know this comes in waves and all but is what I feel the actual mourning of a love? or is it the mourning of a person who I had an physical attraction to and a lot of memories with?

 

It still kills me to think of her with another guy, and I do miss calling her my girlfriend, but I've accepted the fact that I could never of lasted with someone so different from me and so emotionally closed off...

 

So how should I go about getting over this? How do I fill the void that she has left in my life? Will it get any easier? Its been 2 weeks..

 

All of the above! It's really good that you are taking a serious look at your relationship and your feelings and trying to analyze them. With my first breakup, it took me years to reach the questions and answers you are asking yourself. You are mourning your companionship and friendship with her, but you are also mourning "love", your idea of what you thought your relationship was and your dreams of what you wanted in the future. It's a huge amount of emotions towards different things, the things that were real and the things that you wished were real. Of course, you miss her physical presence too.

 

As you have already noticed, when you are out with friends, you start to feel a little bit better. The way I always visualize it, your brain is like a bucket filled with memories. Right now, a lot of these memories involve her, and so that makes you sad as it reminds you of your breakup. But as time passes, and you start making new memories, you need to take some of the old memories out and put them in the attic, not so easily accessible like the bucket. As you do more and more new activities/adventures/experiences, the more you have good memories, the less it's filled with memories that make you sad right now. So I recommend you keep doing what you are doing. Go out with friends. Try new things. Try new hobbies. Make new friends! Talk with girls. Just don't do anything too serious just yet. It will take some time to replace the bucket with new memories, but the more you get out of your head and be present in the present moment, the more memories you'll make and the easier it'll get. You will never forget her because the memories are still in the attic but you will make a conscious act to drag them out as opposed to being at the top of your mind as it is now.

[JDPT]

To answer your very last question, you just can't fill the void that person will always remain in your memory as you lived life with her and if there was a magical way to erase someone from your memory trust me I would have done it long ago, however, what you can do is focus on yourself and find peace within yourself. Don't make the mistake of being stuck in time, it's time to move forward with your life. The grieving process occurs naturally whether you were connected to someone emotionally or physically its a loss nonetheless. Keep in mind that your feelings will fluctuate for instance, early last week I felt wonderful, I quiet honestly thought I was "cured" and no longer worried or thought about my ex as much but towards the end of this week thoughts and feelings started to slowly surface again. What I'm trying to say is that we need to understand that these changes in feelings are perfectly find and to not allow them to torture us or obsess over them. I might have mentioned this to you but you have to do the grunt work in order to move on with your life otherwise you never will and will eventually be stuck in time. Reroute your thoughts when you think of her, focus on all the plans and projects you can now accomplish as you are now a free agent. Don't focus on what she is or not doing, or obsess over how "gorgeous" she was because there are plenty of "gorgeous" women in this planet. We just feel torn because we want that particular one, however, don't allow that infatuation to hinder your chances at recovery. You are no longer with her for a reason and don't sugar coat the bad moments you spent with her and only focus on the good. You have not lost a thing but gained it all in life, take advantage of this time and turn it all to make it work in your favor.