My No Contact Rulebook

[Detroiten]

Having recently split up with my ex boyfriend due to a myriad of reasons and subsequently employing the No Contact Rule, I’d like to divulge a little of what I’ve learnt.

 

 

1) 1) You will hear this again and again, and when you’re in the throes of emotion and grief and pining, it is probably the advice you want the least or that you perceive to be less than useful. THE NO CONTACT RULE IS FOR YOU. Not to get them back, not to make them miss you, not to punish them. IT IS FOR YOU. If you are still contacting your ex post-break you can never sit down and start the grieving process. This entails crying, pining, self-doubt, guilt, anger and ruminating/obsessive thoughts (yes, this will happen and no, there’s nothing wrong with you).

 

You have to work through this process to see the relationship for what it was and not the fantasy illusion almost mythical beast you’ve let it grow to in your head. It might’ve been perfect to you, or you may have noticed problems developing pre-breakup, but either way you have to inject some reality on the situation back into your life. THIS MEANS NO CONTACT.

 

Any contact you receive will act as a sort of drug fix while you’re trying to get over an addiction. It will stay in your system longer and you’re delaying the inevitable. When people say your ex is giving you ‘crumbs’ here imagine they are talking about being handed syringe of heroin that you’re willingly injecting yourself with. Don’t accept the ‘crumbs’ and you will give yourself a chance to work through the grief. FOR YOU.

 

2) 2) IT TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES. You’re not going to hit the 30 day mark or the 60 day mark or 1 year or any length of time, and suddenly wake up and start singing musical tunes as cartoon animals clean your house and help you get dressed. I’ll be blunt and say that whenever you think of the breakup at any point in the future it is likely to not conjure pleasant emotions, but the important point to note is that it will hurt less and you will think about it less. You will learn that your world keeps turning without them in it, and you’ll even be glad for such a realisation, hard as that is to believe right now.

 

The extent to which this succeeds depends on you. Sit around forever stuck inside looking at Loveshack or other dating advice hoping for some magic answer or other success stories for hope is only going to postpone it. If contact ‘crumbs’ from your ex is heroin, think of staying wallowing about on the internet or stalking them online as taking up smoking. You’re replacing one addiction for another.

 

I’m not saying don’t think about it, but there’s a line between thinking/ruminating and complete wallowing. Don’t sacrifice your life or stop doing the things that once made you happy. You risk slipping into depressive patterns doing this. It may be the hardest thing in the morning, but after you wake up don’t just lie there – get up and do something fun. Go to the gym, go for a walk/drive, read a book, try a new cereal, do starjumps, literally anything that is going to get you up and break your negative patterns.

 

It also helps to have a family member or really close friend you can go to whenever you feel helpless. This person can know EVERYTHING about your relationship and about you, and so you can feel completely comfortable talking to them about it. They can help you disentangle the negative threads of guilt or blame or what ifs that you've built up in your head and help you see clearly. Your confidante will need to be patient though, you are going to be talking about this A LOT in the beginning as emotions are raw and at an all time high.

 

3) 3) If you feel like maybe getting in touch because you’ve reached a milestone in No Contact and you think you can bear it/be friends with them... DON’T CONTACT THEM. You’re still thinking about them clearly and have managed to fool yourself into thinking you can handle it. You’re still secretly hoping, and hoping is another inevitable part of the process.

The point to remember is they’ve ‘made it’ to this milestone as well, and they’ve not contacted you. This probably means they don’t think about you or want to get back together. If they do still do either of those things, they’ll contact you at some point in the future. Which brings me onto the final point...

 

4) 4) If it’s been a long time and they FINALLY contact you, all the questions rush through your head. What does this mean? Do they want to get back together? Should I message back? I’ve come so far getting over them; do I want to risk going back to square one?

 

The only thing I have to say to this is it entirely depends on the nature of their contact. If they are asking you silly things, or friendly things, or polite things, if they want to just say hi, or share a funny video, or ask how you are, they don’t want you back. They want you to be friends with them. In this case, don’t message back. I’m not quite so harsh as many people here who think the only possible reasons they do this is to alleviate guilt or keep you as an option. I think sometimes they genuinely enjoyed your companionship in the relationship and would like you back in their lives in some capacity. Nothing wrong with that, but NO CONTACT IS ABOUT YOU. There are billions of other people to be friends with, and what’s the point in risking trying to be friends with them.

 

If they contact you saying meaningful things, or start off with the above but gradually become more meaningful after you don’t contact then maybe you need to evaluate. If they are saying ‘I love you and want to be with you’ or ‘I made a mistake and I want you back’ or ‘is there any chance of reconciliation between us’ you can think about whether you want to contact them to discuss this. At this point no contact can be broken or you’ll forever torture yourself with what ifs if you let your ex get away.

 

However BE SMART. Don’t rush back into a relationship with someone who wants you back all of a sudden. You broke up for a reason. You have to be honest and communicate with your ex about why it happened, see if they HAVE ALREADY CHANGED (don’t fall for the ‘I will change’), and you two are willing to take joint steps in fixing the issues. BE PRACTICAL. Don’t just talk, do actions. If someone crosses a boundary again, you walk away. And for goodness sake, take reconciliations slow, things are complicated. This is why I wouldn’t recommend reconciliations for anything other than marriages or relationships with kids – they’re just tricky and there are HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE.

 

 

So there you have it. All you need to know about no contact. It’s not easy and it could take a long time to feel better, but focus on these points and I promise one day soon you will.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Detroiten

[amkxoxo]

I appreciate the honesty in this along with the personal experience. If you read my other threads it will give more insight into my relationship. He broke things off, I have been a mess since. I called him 5 days after, which I probably shouldn't have. He went missing for a month with sickness. That month though I missed him and was worried also felt almost good. It gave me time to grieve like you said. I got more perspective on what happened, the good times and the bad, and what I want. I feel like learning to know what you want out of a relationship or out of a person is key to moving on. I have low expectations of him now because we aren't together. I tried calling him once during that month and since he was sick he didn't answer. Maybe he wasn't meant to. I am not saying that I don't sit and miss him still but I am getting more confident day by day. He called me after the month was up because he figured I called him and he wanted to let me know he was better.

 

He left me some breadcrumbs in this conversation. I haven't talked to him since. I don't plan on calling him. He thinks we have a future but right now his life is a mess. If he wants me then he needs to keep me in his life. Oh and Breadcrumbs suck. #4 on your list is exactly what happened but I'm more confused. We talked like old times, like back when we were dating. It was easy and fun and flirty. Breadcrumb was when he told me "You're so perfect still," and "I wish I could give people attributes because they would all be from you," and "You don't realize how perfect you are, you don't do anything wrong." He used to say stuff like this when we were dating. I tried not to get excited like you said in your rules but its kind of hard. We still aren't back together so....haven't communicated with him since. Don't know If I should so I haven't. He can call me if he wants.

[Angry bird]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 

I think when a break-up happens there is a space in your "heart" that used to be occupied that is now unoccupied. And instead of trying to fill it or patch it up. LET IT BE UNOCCUPIED. Figure what or who REALLY deserves that unoccupied space in your heart. And give yourself time, to clean out the remnants of the last occupier.

 

Even if you have to imagine him/her packing their **** up from the space in your heart and shutting the door behind them. Take that sponge,soap, water whatever...and imagine everyday cleaning out a memory or thought. Pick up that thought look at it and then remove it from that space in your heart. Send into the universe. Say "thanks for the memory/lesson, I can go on now."

 

And relationships often do turn into addictions, so that is a good analogy.

 

This is one of my favorite posts.