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I need your encouragement in following thru with a break up


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Posted

I need some help, support, and reenforcement. I told my live-in boyfirend that we should break-up this morning. This was after a frequent angry outburst where he yelled, cursed and told me to get the f*ck out of the house - in front of my 3 children.

 

He doesn't get along with my 13yr old son who has ED problems. and I have 2 younger daughters. He has no impulse control, is verbally abusive, and I have tried to break up with him about 4 times in 8 months since moving into a house together. Each time, I reconciled mostly out of fear of being alone, child care issues (his family helps) and financial (ex- doesn't pay support)

 

I feel I cannot truly turn my life around unless he is gone from my life, because living with him is like waiting for the ax to fall. I am still scared but feel a bit stronger to follow through on it.

I found the house we are now living in. I pay all the living expenses (he says its just 1 of him and 4 of us) and he pays 1/2 the rent. It will be tough but I know I'll make it. He preys on my insecurities like - "Who will want a woman with 3 kids?" (he did!)

 

Anyway the kids are with their dad this weekend, and I'm afraid of being alone. Most of the time he thinks I dont mean it when I tell him it's over, cuz I back down. This time I do.

I don't like confrontation because he's intimidating and attacks my charachter and that just kills my self esteem. I wish I could go to a friends house this weekend alone - but none.

 

I'm scared to tell him again to look for another place. All the furniture is mine exept for 3 items. He also has $7000 I foolishly asked him to put in his safe- that he refuse to return to me. He feels that if we break up he is going to CHARGE me for all the things he's done for me over the 4 years (like he paid my cell phone for 2 years) and did some carpentry work.

 

It is this discovery too that revealed WHO he really was, and why I no longer want to be involved with him. I want to end it without it being UGLY. My kids keep asking me if I'm alright, and I dont want to trouble them or worry them with mom's problems.

 

ANy ideas and encouragement would help. Please post.

Posted

First contact a lawyer so you can retain what's rightfully yours. I don't know whose house it actually is, but if you're paying for most of everything, you should be ok on your own. See if you children's dad can keep them a bit longer.

 

Right now your obligation is to yourself and your children, and being that they're minors, you need to protect their interests. The time for introspection will come later. Right now protect your assets. Get out of there. Tell your children you love them and will take care of things, and then do it.

 

Good luck! If I were a lawyer I'd happily help you, but unfortunately I'm not.

Posted

i think the first most important thing for you to do is realise that everything that man said about you was never true. you are a strong independant woman, and he is an insecure man who tried to make himself feel better by excerting power over you. you have such a kind heart to let a man like that into your life, and see the best in him even though things weren't always good and that is a good quality.

 

you may find a bit of happiness in realising now that you are far better off without him, and can live a full and happy life, whereas he is now less than what he was, he has nothing without you, and he knows it, which is why he tries to use anger to make you feel guilty and ask for him back.

 

but you are right to know that you are better off without him, and dont let any other thoughts let you forget that. look at your children, and allow your love for them give you strength. you dont want a man like that helping to raise them because you never know what bad habits they can pick up.

 

you have done the right thing. the best thing for you and your children and you should be feeling good. treat yourself to something, have a lovely day out with just you and your children, concentrate on making yourself feel good about the step you have taken, because then all else with come easily. you may find it hard to think about all that material stuff while you haven't got your emotions back on track.

Posted

Oh my god, lifestyle, your story is so much like my own. I heard get the f *** out of my house 2-3 x a week for the last few years. In front of the kids as well. That is the control they think they have when we move in with them, or let them become the "man of the house". If you moved in to the home together, it is just as much your residence as his, and if you can manage the bills alone, then he should be the one to leave. Who's name is on the home, including a rent/lease agreement and utilities? You have to be strong and just tell him calmly that it is over. If he gets angry and starts verbally attacking you remind yourself he is trying to make you doubt yourself, don't let it get to you, and insist that you just want an amicable split. Don't let him make you cry either. Switch your heart to your head and get out. If he really makes it difficult you may have to resort to calling the police. And do contact a lawyer as far as he money and belongings. Don't waste anymore time on him. And your kids do not need to be raised in that environment.

Good luck. Feel free to pm me if you need anytime.

Posted
Originally posted by lifestyle1

He preys on my insecurities like - "Who will want a woman with 3 kids?" (he did!)

 

Oh my :mad: He says things like that to you?

 

And the business with this money! How ghastly is that ?!

 

You should contact a lawyer - you are not legally obliged to reimburse him for things he did for you while you were a couple unless you specifically agreed to pay him back & he can prove that. I hope you can prove that you gave him that $7,000. It's a lot of money and I'm sure you could really use it if you're going to have to stump up with the extra half of the rent for a while.

 

Obviously you've reached the decision that he has to go - I don't blame you. Is there no one that you can call to be ready to come over to give you some support? If you're afraid of him it could be good to know that there is someone in the other room with a cell phone handy - I don't want to alarm you, only to try & make the situation feel a little safer, that's all.

 

I'm not sure about your arrangements with the lease, who is on it, etc. but if there is the possibility that he could challenge you to his legal right to live there then you should try having some other arrangements in place if at all possible.

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