fanine Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I'm so angry today. Woke up and just burst into tears. I want to pick up the phone and scream at him and tell him so many things. I want to tell him I wish I had never met him, I want to ask him why he entered my life and messed my emotions around so much. I want him to know how much he has hurt me with his lies and deceit. I know I can't, so I have to vent off here. I hate the fact he always chases me when he finally thinks I have gone. Tells me he has missed me. I hate the fact he takes no responsibility for the fact he told me he was separated and got me so involved with him. I hate the fact he would go hot and cold on me. Last time we spoke he said that I was his best friend, the only person he had in his life, that he wouldn't know what he would do if he didn't have me in his life. That's not fair to do that to me. He is the one that won't sort out his marriage. How can he want me just to settle for the scraps from him? The fact we would see each other and he would say things like the above, and then he wouldn't contact me for days. Wouldn't return text messages, or call me... If he was here now I would want to hit him so hard. I'm normally such a calm and passive person. I know NC will get easier as time passes. But I just feel I was hoodwinked. I know he is the one with the problems, I know I cannot turn the clock back. I am doing my best, seeing friends and family, keeping busy, looking after myself. But I just cannot understand how someone can treat someone so badly and I cannot understand why I let him treat me so badly...
sadwithouthim Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I'm sorry you're having a rough day (hugs). There have been a couple days since OM went NC that I have woke up and cried. There were days when I felt overwhelmingly sad, like a very heavy sadness that I could physically feel. Every day isn't like that though. It's a lot of ups and downs, this NC thing. Now, at day 33, I feel like I might be entering acceptance. Do things that make you feel good. For me, I love music, cooking, reading, watching philosophical or inspirational shows, and playing Lexulous. I also think exercise and meditation/yoga can help us to relax and get in a better mental state. Sometimes, even just making myself put on a big smile can improve the blues. Coffee never hurts either! It's a great antidepressant for me, along with music and Lexulous. 1
sadwithouthim Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I'm so angry today. Woke up and just burst into tears. I want to pick up the phone and scream at him and tell him so many things. I want to tell him I wish I had never met him, I want to ask him why he entered my life and messed my emotions around so much. I want him to know how much he has hurt me with his lies and deceit. I know I can't, so I have to vent off here. I hate the fact he always chases me when he finally thinks I have gone. Tells me he has missed me. I hate the fact he takes no responsibility for the fact he told me he was separated and got me so involved with him. I hate the fact he would go hot and cold on me. Last time we spoke he said that I was his best friend, the only person he had in his life, that he wouldn't know what he would do if he didn't have me in his life. That's not fair to do that to me. He is the one that won't sort out his marriage. How can he want me just to settle for the scraps from him? The fact we would see each other and he would say things like the above, and then he wouldn't contact me for days. Wouldn't return text messages, or call me... If he was here now I would want to hit him so hard. I'm normally such a calm and passive person. I know NC will get easier as time passes. But I just feel I was hoodwinked. I know he is the one with the problems, I know I cannot turn the clock back. I am doing my best, seeing friends and family, keeping busy, looking after myself. But I just cannot understand how someone can treat someone so badly and I cannot understand why I let him treat me so badly... This last part is exactly what I think about my H, and why I want to get back to IC. I need to find out why I've allowed him to treat me badly. I'm also very passive and people pleasing. These aren't good traits when they're extreme.
sadwithouthim Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I just had a crazy thought of giving you my OM contact info so you could be each other's mental support. Then, I thought that would surely turn into an EA...lol. Sorry, just trying to lighten things up. 1
C00kie Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Sorry to hear that, fanine. Like sadwithoutyou said, some days will be like that, some won't, and it will get easier, eventually. All the anger, the questions you have...I struggle with that too. I wish I could make him see sense, come out of his selfish comfort zone, but...I won't find, we won't find the answers in him. Deep down we already know what it is but still hope to hear something that will make it easier to understand, something that will help us heal. Well, that won't come from him. He's a weak selfish guy. May have some qualities, but it's the selfishness, the weakness, the lack of perception - and lack of character, in a sense - that make him act the way he does. It's very cruel, they don't realise (how can one not realise...) how cruel and devastating their actions are. Just go your own way, find the answers - not all the answers, but some peace - within yourself. If you can afford to, travel, doesn't have to be very far away. Change scenarios, see other faces, other places away from everything that reminds you of him. Yes, it does help you remember there's a world outside this shell of pain, that there are actually things really worth living for, people worth meeting. Grab a good book, a good coffee, a good movie...make peace with yourself. Meet up with friends even if you don't feel like it - people with good vibes, not moaning ones. Don't bear grudges - just let him go, don't wish him any pain, just let him follow his way. Let it be. I really hope you get better soon. You will be fine eventually, keep your eyes on that. 1
findingnemo Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Fanine, I'm so sorry it hurts but anger is good. Ride on that anger. Don't forget what he did. A Pakistani friend of mine told me of a saying in Urdu (their language) that states that you can do so many good things for someone but all it takes to end your R is doing one bad thing. Or something like that anyway. Your xMM did a lot of nasty things to you even if you did have some good times. Those bad things he did now outweigh the good and rightly so. He lied to you from day one. Be angry. Anger helps you move on. 2
Author fanine Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 I just had a crazy thought of giving you my OM contact info so you could be each other's mental support. Then, I thought that would surely turn into an EA...lol. Sorry, just trying to lighten things up. that did make me laugh!
Author fanine Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Thank you everyone for your support. I think it could also be a time of the month kinda thing too... I'm so glad I found this place, as it is somewhere I can vent my frustration - rather than vent it at him! A couple of my friends know of my situation, but I do not like to burden them with it too much even though they are of great support. Thank you 1
Got it Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Fanine I am sorry you are feeling this way. I am not sure about you but some good old plate smashing may be in order here. I can't begin to tell you how cathartic breaking glass is! I recommend find some old plates, glasses, etc., a safe place and a solid wall and just start wailing away! Pretend each item is his face, tell the item what you think of him and then rocket it against the wall. It is a great outlet for your emotions. I am sorry you are feeling this way, it is hard and the only way is through it. Remember silence is golden, silence is No more hurt. ((((Fanine)))))) 1
Author fanine Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Fanine I am sorry you are feeling this way. I am not sure about you but some good old plate smashing may be in order here. I can't begin to tell you how cathartic breaking glass is! I recommend find some old plates, glasses, etc., a safe place and a solid wall and just start wailing away! Pretend each item is his face, tell the item what you think of him and then rocket it against the wall. It is a great outlet for your emotions. I am sorry you are feeling this way, it is hard and the only way is through it. Remember silence is golden, silence is No more hurt. ((((Fanine)))))) Thank you.. I used to do a boxercise class when I was younger. I think I might find one again - no better feeling than getting those gloves on and hitting a punch bag hard
Got it Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 fanine - absolutely! You have to just ride the waves unfortunately but releasing some of that energy will do you good. I would also recommend journaling as well. I am not sure if you have read the Clown story I have posted here a few times but it is a good way to remember to stay NC. I also recommend, gloryb.com, their endings section has some great tips, comments, and stories posted. There is one consolidated thread just for Endings and it has a lot of great information to help work through this time. I know that many people recommend Baggage Reclaim(er) as well. Remember to take care of you, drink plenty of water, try and eat, and exercise just for the sake of releasing energy and getting the perks of endorphins. (((fanine)))) 1
Author fanine Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 fanine - absolutely! You have to just ride the waves unfortunately but releasing some of that energy will do you good. I would also recommend journaling as well. I am not sure if you have read the Clown story I have posted here a few times but it is a good way to remember to stay NC. I also recommend, gloryb.com, their endings section has some great tips, comments, and stories posted. There is one consolidated thread just for Endings and it has a lot of great information to help work through this time. I know that many people recommend Baggage Reclaim(er) as well. Remember to take care of you, drink plenty of water, try and eat, and exercise just for the sake of releasing energy and getting the perks of endorphins. (((fanine)))) Thank you. Yes I am doing my best, and being a journalist by trade, writing and reading does help me. I guess this is just harder to deal with compared to any other relationship I have had - and I've been through a divorce and 44! Ah well, I know it will get better, and I feel better already having posted here...
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