Devastated

[tooslowatlove]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, advice or a sympathetic ear, but I need to express this in some form . . .

 

 

 

I feel like I’m going insane. I’ve had a crush on a woman for 6 years, on and off, though I’ve tried to fight it.

 

 

 

She’s the best friend of my cousin, and I’ve always thought she was cute. I don’t see her often, just at family gatherings, mostly ones that the cousin is at. Back in 2007 I started to feel a bit more, but I didn’t think it was appropriate since she’s a close friend of my family. So I kept my feelings under wraps. Then she was the maid of honor at my cousin’s wedding, and was absolutely gorgeous. But I kept my feelings under wraps. I didn’t even ask to dance with her at the reception, even though I desperately wanted to.

 

 

I’ve had relationships in this time – one for 9 months, and another for a year and a half. It was pretty easy to ignore the crush then. But even then I was still attracted to her, though cheating was never an option.

My relationship of 1 ½ years ended with a failed engagement, and since then I’ve been thinking more and more about this girl. Finally I decided to accept my feelings for her, take a chance and try for her.

 

 

Yesterday I talked to my best friend M1, the sister of my crush’s best friend. I explained my feelings. She was supportive and suggested I talk to M2, since she would know best if I had a chance with my crush.

I called M1 back tonight, and she had talked to M2 (to kind of feel things out for me.) They got on the subject of relationships and M1 learned that my crush had found a guy. It might or might not serious. And since she’s in the Army, her guy probably is as well. Even if I want to compete for her interest, how the hell is a shy, overweight nerd supposed to stand a chance against a buff army guy? Why didn’t I go after her when I was in karate and in better shape?

 

 

I’m not angry or upset at her. I have no right to be. She’s just living her life. But right now I’m devastated. Right now I’m furious at myself. I thought I was just trying to put this to rest one way or another, and I might be better in the morning. But right now I absolutely hate myself. I had six years to express my feelings. I was single something like 65% of that time. I could have expressed my interest, asked her to dinner, something. But I hid my feelings because I was afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of things being awkward because this girl has a history with my family. I finally, finally accept my feelings for this girl as ok, as not inappropriate or whatever, only to find that (for the moment at least) it’s too late. It stinks, and it’s my own fault!

[tooslowatlove]

A small update: I'm feeling a little better about things after a few hours sleep and a talk with M1. M1 reminded me my crush only just started seeing this guy - there's no engagement ring on her finger yet. (And my own experience shows that even that is not a guarantee!) And of course, if I'm ready to put myself back on the market, which I seem to be, I have very supportive friends to help. And I'll need it, since the approach is the part I have the most trouble with.

 

I reminded myself that she's not the only woman out there, just the one I especially want right now. And when I find the next one I fancy, I had better make a move! Better to have the consolation that I tried than to feel like I did last night.

 

Nothing has changed really, except the disappointment is out of my system (for the moment at least.) But that'll do for now.

[FitChick]

Even if I want to compete for her interest, how the hell is a shy, overweight nerd supposed to stand a chance against a buff army guy? Why didn’t I go after her when I was in karate and in better shape?

That is something you can change and which will improve your chances as well as your confidence with any woman. Stop eating fast food, stop eating large portions and second helpings, start seriously exercising until it has become a habit. That way you will have eliminated one thing for which you could be rejected -- your appearance.

 

If she is in the Army, there is a good chance she would be leaving for parts unknown and you could be setting yourself up for disappointment anyway.

[tooslowatlove]

That is something you can change and which will improve your chances as well as your confidence with any woman. Stop eating fast food, stop eating large portions and second helpings, start seriously exercising until it has become a habit. That way you will have eliminated one thing for which you could be rejected -- your appearance.

 

If she is in the Army, there is a good chance she would be leaving for parts unknown and you could be setting yourself up for disappointment anyway.

 

I'm already working on trying to lose weight - might try to budget for karate again - exercise, confidence boost and socialization at the same time!

 

And she already travels as part of her duties, but her hometown is in this area. I'm quite aware that any relationship that happened with her would have to be intermittant, and I think I'd be ok with that. (Then again I'm shocked at how upset I was at learning she's seeing someone. I was really not expecting to be that upset.) Skype is a good thing.

Edited August 10, 2013 by tooslowatlove

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Damn man. Talk about a long term seduction.

 

I think you should make a move anyway and see what happens.

 

There are 2 things to consider in this situation though (coming from a current military guy....me):

 

1) Just because someone is in the army does not mean that they are in good shape. Trust me on this one.

 

2) If you date someone in the army, prepare to be cheated on. The cheating here is ridiculous. Just about everyone does it (married, dating, etc).

[tooslowatlove]

Damn man. Talk about a long term seduction.

 

I think you should make a move anyway and see what happens.

 

There are 2 things to consider in this situation though (coming from a current military guy....me):

 

1) Just because someone is in the army does not mean that they are in good shape. Trust me on this one.

 

2) If you date someone in the army, prepare to be cheated on. The cheating here is ridiculous. Just about everyone does it (married, dating, etc).

 

Does it count as seduction if it's not deliberate? I'd be thrilled if she seduced me! I'm pretty sure my crush (let's just call her "S" - I'm tired of typing "my crush" all the time) is unaware of how I feel. I caught my best friend off guard, and she knows me better than anyone. BUt yeah, I'm sure the big reason this hit me so hard is it was so drawn out. If I'd made a play for S back when this started and was turned down, I might have been better off, rather than letting it build below the surface.

 

Hmm. Maybe I should try. I probably don't have much to lose at this point, and I do have a pretty good reference. Although I'm not sure how M2 would like me using her as a springboard for messing with her best friend's relationship.

 

And I'll wait on worrying about her cheating until there's actually a relationship for her to cheat on! Unless I'm the one she's cheating with . . . Honestly not sure if I'm kidding here . . .

Edited August 10, 2013 by tooslowatlove

[tooslowatlove]

e I'm trying to "cram the genie back in the bottle" so to speak, and having little luck. I hate the fact that after all the time I spent fighting these feelings, and now I'm at their mercy. I know a relationship with S isn't very practical, might not work, hell she might not even be interested. All this time battling my feelings for her, trying to not let anything slip, and now I'm stuck wanting her and she isn't "on the market". I guess I should be glad - I resisted the thought of pursuing her for so long, and now I can't

 

M2 (S's best friend) knows I'm interested in S, although I'm not sure how much she knows. She actually figured it out on her own when M1 mentioned that "someone" likes S. I hope it's just that she knew if M1 was going to help make a match for anyone, it would be me. I'd hate to think I was so obvious about my feelings.

 

I should talk to M2 - I've been meaning to call her, but haven't had a good chance. M2 might not help me "land" S, but she'll be sympathetic and might help me get over her. Even if there's potential with S and me, I wouldn't want M2 to try to talk S into switching to me (ok, I'd love that, but it wouldn't be right), but if S breaks up with her boyfriend, M2 might give me a good "referral".

 

I just wish I could get rid of these feelings or at least go back to suppressing them.

[FutureMrsBird]

A small update: I'm feeling a little better about things after a few hours sleep and a talk with M1. M1 reminded me my crush only just started seeing this guy - there's no engagement ring on her finger yet. (And my own experience shows that even that is not a guarantee!) And of course, if I'm ready to put myself back on the market, which I seem to be, I have very supportive friends to help. And I'll need it, since the approach is the part I have the most trouble with.

 

I reminded myself that she's not the only woman out there, just the one I especially want right now. And when I find the next one I fancy, I had better make a move! Better to have the consolation that I tried than to feel like I did last night.

 

Nothing has changed really, except the disappointment is out of my system (for the moment at least.) But that'll do for now.

 

This sounds like what happened to me... But, shortly after I let it go, I met my fiance, who is the most amazing man ever. Just let things go as they go... That's my piece of advice. Things will always turn out as they're supposed to be. Try for her, try to get to know her, but don't force it. Just be yourself, and get to know her better. The best of luck to you!!!!

[tooslowatlove]

Another update: Talked with M2 finally (briefly - her kids were acting up.) She was very understanding of my situation, supportive of whatever direction I choose, but not going to get involved. Also, S is interested in that guy, but hasn't been able to get in sync with him. So there might be a slim chance, if I start trying to engage S now. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, getting to know S better might help me move on.

 

So I'm starting my engaging her on Facebook a bit more - a game request or two, and chat when the chance presents itself. M2 said she could give me S's phone number, but would need permission first, which I agree with completely. I wouldn't want my number given out without my knowledge. Besides, S might think it was weird if her best friend's cousin called her out of the blue. She'd definitely know something was going on.

 

M2 commented that S has a very engaging, magnetic personality. I can't really argue with that! I've been fighting that pull for years!

[HumptyDumpty]

But damn it!

 

Ok, to show you what is going wrong here:

I'm deeply in love with Johnny Derpp. Love hi to bits, he's gorgeous, perfect! He's single but seeing some girls, leaving me sad since I want to be with him. I love Derpp!

 

So far so good! But you know why there isn't 0 chance for me? it's because I'm not talking to Derpp! I don't see Derpp! So how the heck might he guess I like him?!? I repeat...How?? :

 

I'm a girl who is blind to others being in love with me etc! I prefer someone tells me straight out, then the cards can be played, can be positive or negative, the latter does happen...

 

What I would suggest is talking more to her, trying to go out with her- if there is a concert from a band she likes, invite her? I don't know, be creative and suggest something she can't refuse since she loves this particular activity! Talk more with her, make her laugh, whatever! Take it from there, be subtle and light and fluffy!

A girl then will get the hint and must react to this!

 

If she's a good friend, well, talk cash! If she would be this close already, let the cat out of the sack!

 

But do something! I can pour saliva all over my Derpp poster but he couldn't care less since he doesn't know!

 

If she refuses altogether, well, chapter is closed then but at least you know! You can't force anyone to love you and luckily!

 

So...ACT.

[tooslowatlove]

But damn it!

 

Ok, to show you what is going wrong here:

I'm deeply in love with Johnny Derpp. Love hi to bits, he's gorgeous, perfect! He's single but seeing some girls, leaving me sad since I want to be with him. I love Derpp!

 

So far so good! But you know why there isn't 0 chance for me? it's because I'm not talking to Derpp! I don't see Derpp! So how the heck might he guess I like him?!? I repeat...How?? :

 

I'm a girl who is blind to others being in love with me etc! I prefer someone tells me straight out, then the cards can be played, can be positive or negative, the latter does happen...

 

What I would suggest is talking more to her, trying to go out with her- if there is a concert from a band she likes, invite her? I don't know, be creative and suggest something she can't refuse since she loves this particular activity! Talk more with her, make her laugh, whatever! Take it from there, be subtle and light and fluffy!

A girl then will get the hint and must react to this!

 

If she's a good friend, well, talk cash! If she would be this close already, let the cat out of the sack!

 

But do something! I can pour saliva all over my Derpp poster but he couldn't care less since he doesn't know!

 

If she refuses altogether, well, chapter is closed then but at least you know! You can't force anyone to love you and luckily!

 

So...ACT.

 

Hey I'm working on it . . . Just being careful. Starting out slow because I'd been keeping my distance from S before since i was determined not to act on these feelings. This is a full 180 on my part. I wasn't wishing she'd figure out how i feel- until recently i didn't want anyone to know! Besides, they might not be far along yet but S is interested in someone. Isn't it a good idea to recon the situation first?

[HumptyDumpty]

Well, see, there is a saying: first come, first served!

This actually applies in the dating world as well!

 

Is she married? No! Is she engaged? Most probably not!

Is she dating? Could be but you don't know how serious it is do you? It could be all fresh, vague... dating is only a step as to know if the person is right for us!

 

Now, I'm against interfering in relationships if she is dating seriously! But yet again, why waste time? They could very well get married and all your pining was for nothing and you'd still feel like crap since you didn't try to have a go at it!

 

Therefor, I say: go for it! Start conversations with her! On facebook if you must, I actually really liked facebook messages! It helped me to test the waters with my ex when I really was interested in him! We got along perfectly and wrote nonsense that made me laugh! He even got more and more attractive to me as we wrote more and more! And I was dying to see him which actually only happened after like 2 months since he was busy renovating his house! Plus, I have to add, I've already known him in real life prior to facebook but we didn't have a chance to talk and see each other like that!

 

So, start a facebook conversation about something funny or I don't know what! Or that you thought about her watching that and that movie/series/ etc she is into!

 

It's very easy, can be funny and amusing and then you can take it from there- getting number, getting to see each other privately! And most of all, getting to be her fb friend! You can actually do some nice research before moving steps further!

 

Plus... if she bites, than her fancy relationship isn't what she is looking for, is it then? If I'm happy in a rs, I'd be friendly but would set limits, reminding the guy I'm in a relationship! If I'm not, well, it's more broken uo than a rs then...

 

So, yeah, I'd say f* it, you only live once and it costs nothing to try! At least you know where you're at! If there is the guy I think could be right for me, I go for it

[tooslowatlove]

Well, I've tried to chat on once or twice. Facebook, but haven't gotten much response - just a polite thank you to congratulating her on something. Most of the time I go to initiate a chat and her status changes from "online" to "offline for 10 minutes". But it's possible she doesn't use the chat much - it looks like she might just pop in for a moment to check on friends' statuses. Plus I've hidden my interest in her until now so she might not know what to think. She probably just thinks its odd that I'm showing interest in her activities. But it's frustrating.

 

I'm considering just telling straight her how I feel in an email/PM, but that doesn't feel like the best move to me. More like romantic kamikaze! I just wish I saw S more often, so I could more easily build up to the reveal. I've even had some cheesy poetry going through my head. If it at least put a smile on her face, might be worth a try.

 

Maybe nothing can come of this, but for my peace of mind at least, I need to get my feelings out there. I hate the prospect of living with knowing I didn't even try! I have enough regrets in my life - I'm not going to let "Blonde Soldier Girl" be one of them!

Edited August 27, 2013 by tooslowatlove

[tooslowatlove]

Would I be slitting my own throat if I tell her plain & simple know how I feel in a PM? I'm having no luck catching her on FB chat, and I can't wait until the next family party she comes to - I'll be insane by then!

[Onward_Upward]

Would I be slitting my own throat if I tell her plain & simple know how I feel in a PM? I'm having no luck catching her on FB chat, and I can't wait until the next family party she comes to - I'll be insane by then!

 

In a word... YES!

 

Just hold your horses there, my friend.

 

Think about it: Even though this girl knows "of" you (through family gatherings, etc), she really has no idea who you are. You've never really spoken with her that much, and you've always been to shy, or nervous, to approach her when you've had the chance. All she knows of you is that you were that "distant", somewhat overweight fellow at the occasional event she was invited to, years prior... If you jump in now, declaring your "undying" love for her, I can just about guarantee you'll scare her away... perhaps permanently.

 

My advice is to be patient. Simply get to know her via FB, and in person, when you get the chance.

 

And, about those family gatherings where you occasionally see her, you're gonna have to bite the bullet, overcome your shyness, and actually start talking with her. Don't come on all strong though, just treat her as you would anyone else you might meet at these events. Try to be yourself, and if she takes the bait, continue it on FB...

 

But you're going to have to take your time... And as long as your actively involving yourself in basic interactions, things may grow from there.

 

Bottom line is that you're no where near even reaching first base with her... So how the heck do you think you can reach 3rd, or 4th base by simply sending her a PM expressing your inner most feelings towards her?

 

Mark my words, unless she's a really "special kinda gal" who secretly has had a crush on you all these years, you're just going to push her further away

Edited September 1, 2013 by Onward_Upward

[tooslowatlove]

Another update.

 

I'd managed to come to terms with my feelings for S, and accept that I can't go after her right now.

 

Until Saturday. A big birthday party for a cousin, and S was invited. And more beautiful and charming than ever.

 

A few of us were trying to figure out where to go for the event (held a botanical gardens) when she walked up. And she came to me because I was the person there she knew. As I brought her up to speed on what we'd figured out I could feel myself blushing . . .

 

Once the party got started she kept with the people she knew most (and played with their kids a lot), but I did get the opportunity for a little smalltalk.

 

Best bet I think is to try to find better opportunities to get to know her. If I can replace the idealized view I have of her with reality, maybe I can finally get this thing to go away.

 

Rationally, I should just let it go - she's still seeing someone and she lives 90 minutes away from me.

 

Unfortunately, there's a reason I've dubbed this "the Lazarus Crush". I've tried to put this thing to rest a few dozen times, and next time I see her or someone even mentions her . . .

 

I've finally got a job I like, I'm getting my finances under control, I have people who love me (just not in that special way . . .). It actually kind of pisses me off that my heart has fixated on this one woman. Yeah, she's attractive interesting and personable, but those aren't exactly unique qualities. What the h3!! is so compelling about her?

Edited May 7, 2014 by tooslowatlove