In a love mood...confuzzled.

[kaylan]

So I had a late night session at the gym, and usually that gets me pretty pumped up and giddy. And considering its Friday night, its easy to be in a sex mood. And Id normally expect to be pretty feisty after the gym on a Friday, especially when Im in a bit of a dry spell.

 

But I got home a little while ago and Im in a love mood. I just wanna lay and talk with a cool chick. Maybe do the cuddling thing too. Feels weird considering how Ive not been to love or relationship minded the last couple months. I guess these feelings go through cycles.

 

But really, tonight is but another example of my trying to figure out of I wanna bother dating with the aim of a relationship soon. For those who have had these confusing periods, how do you figure these things out. Im think Ill prolly have to date around and see if I meet someone I really like, but I really get frustrated at my own unsure thinking sometimes.

[MrCastle]

I have those bouts sometimes. Hell I've made threads about them with people ripping me to shreds and calling me a hypocrite, as if you have to think a certain way or feel a certain way 100% of the time. Moods change, feelings change.

 

Anyway, it's best not to actively look for a girlfriend. I believe they just sort of happen. You can't force the issue. Right now I'm not looking for a girlfriend, but if a great girl came along, I'd be stupid to let her date other men. I'd want to lock her down if I felt strongly about her.

 

I basically just push those feelings down when they come up and tell myself I can't force it. I can't go out with the specific intention of finding a girlfriend. When she comes, I'll know it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have those bouts sometimes. Hell I've made threads about them with people ripping me to shreds and calling me a hypocrite, as if you have to think a certain way or feel a certain way 100% of the time. Moods change, feelings change.

 

Anyway, it's best not to actively look for a girlfriend. I believe they just sort of happen. You can't force the issue. Right now I'm not looking for a girlfriend, but if a great girl came along, I'd be stupid to let her date other men. I'd want to lock her down if I felt strongly about her.

 

I basically just push those feelings down when they come up and tell myself I can't force it. I can't go out with the specific intention of finding a girlfriend. When she comes, I'll know it.

 

:rolleyes:

 

You change your mind every day

[Ninjainpajamas]

These emotions aren't going to stop, but you're young 20's? you just need a quality FWB that you don't just physically connect with but that you can share some of the more intimate/romantic experiences with without having to get yourself in contract of a relationship, because at your age I wouldn't say is advisable It's better to find out who you are as a man IMO as you develop along through the 20's which are big self-learning years...what you want now, might not be the same in your 30's.

 

These moments/spurts may feel powerful and quite convincingbut you're better off waiting until someone comes along and inspires you to take it to that level while you're actually truly ready for a relationship, not just feeling it one day. I think If you were a relationship kind of guy or in that place you'd know it.

 

Relationships are progressive things for most women...you got to meet the dog, then the friends, then the family/parents or what not...they can have an expectation of how things should progress...you lose a lot of freedom and the hour glass can tip over...so unless you're on that track or find someone who really feels the same way as you do about the future whatever it may be (not sure what your long-term plans are...and oh, remember women can change their mind at their discretion without warning) just keep that in mind

 

It's also important as a man to be able to have different kinds of relationships with women instead of just romantic...it pays off just to have someone you can really talk to or understands you/sees eye to eye or can talk to you about things in your life or how you're feeling or what not...it doesn't or shouldn't always be about intimacy, but you need that self-control and try to not send any mixed signals which can be very difficult to do...If you're looking for something to stick your weenie in though, might be better to choose another girl than ruin a "friendship"/acquaintance.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Disagree with ninja. I think that kaylan is relationship oriented and is not really casual sex or FWB type. I also don't think that 20s are too young for a serious relationship...all depends on the type of person you are and if you come across someone you strongly connect to. After 30 the pool narrows with most desirable people being taken (yes even for men). I see many people settle for someone they are not that into because they are running out of time..and even men don't exactly want their first child at 40.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Like Eternal Sunshine I disagree but only to the extent that I can't fathom how having a "quality FWB" and sharing intimate, romantic experiences with them can be even remotely positive for someone feeling themselves becoming more relationship oriented. You take someone who is starting to look fondly on a serious relationship then throw in some kind of convoluted "arrangement" that mimics an actual relationship...but isn't and you're pretty much courting disaster at this point.

 

I mean you are really advising someone to get a friend with some very extraordinary benefits. Too many in fact. How confusing for the both of you. At which point does it become basically a girlfriend but without any of the work? You'd have to be pretty hardened or pretty strong willed not to catch any type of real feelings after all that. Now I don't think he should be rushing into a relationship but I'm also not against getting into something serious in your 20s either.

 

Yep - quality FWB is a complete mind f-k.

[iKING]

I feel like this should be a Facebook post instead of a thread.

[sweetkiwi]

Awww K. I feel you man. Definitely wasn't looking for anything romantic after my LDR breakup. But I started getting real feelings for someone and I am not holding back. It's a great thing to be able to dive in, not worrying about the endless potential outcomes. If someone catches your eye you go with it. What an amazing thing!!!

[johan]

... I started getting real feelings for someone and I am not holding back. It's a great thing to be able to dive in, not worrying about the endless potential outcomes. If someone catches your eye you go with it. What an amazing thing!!!

 

Well... this comes as a bit of a surprise... but yes, I do. I feel the same way, Sweetkiwi.

 

Oh man, what a relief! I've been carrying around these feelings for so long, and then to find out they aren't for naught! I'm going outside right now to sing at the top of my lungs!

 

Oh, Love, what a beautiful and mysterious thing you are....

[Emilia]

Yep - quality FWB is a complete mind f-k.

 

Yep, that's exactly what it is.

 

It's the so-called 'girlfriend experience' for commitment phobes or those looking to maintain a steady sexual and romantic partner while also possessing the freedom to sleep around and/or "dump" them at random without any of the guilt. This is the gateway to a lot of hurt and confused feelings IMO.

Agree dysfunctional 'relationship' at its worst. I don't know why the fear of relationships and why there has to be a strict book on what a man should learn in his 20s. Dealing with intimacy and expectations should be just as high up on the list as heaving steady sex while he 'finds himself' (is Kaylan lost?). I don't think aiming to be a heartless bastard and dumping you 'FWB' is a way to gain a healthy outlook on life. Half of the bitter men on this board who are in their 30s and 40s are not capable of connecting to women on a level that goes beyond FWB.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm definitely not trying to win any popularity contests with this post...especially with the ladies on this advice here, but it's definitely applicable to young men and that's who I am speaking to...I could easily have said something that sounds good for everybody but in reality isn't how things are...I'm not on LS to be politically correct or win favor of the ladies.

 

Nobody has to associate with me or openly agree with it from the forum (I wouldn't expect that especially with the judgments being made already, I'll take the flak for you, it's not a problem) but it's there for young men to read and I do stand behind it for many reasons, I know how young guys operate and I know the indecisiveness they can feel when wanting one thing or another and being conflicted because they want to live up to their own standards/expectations but women are telling them if they want anything worthwhile they've got to be in a relationship, when they are not ready for it. As a young man, you're trying to walk a tight-rope without falling to either side.

 

Any young guy reading this, don't succumb to peer pressure or popular vote...don't make decisions based on a whim and because of what women say to guilt you into relationships and make you feel like a "bad guy" and like you've got to be lacking some particular character quality, along with the one or two guys who takes the easy road and stokes the fire by agreeing with them with how you should be and feel...It's your life, you gotta go with your gut and figure out your own feelings, don't jump into something because you don't know what to do or how to respond to internal emotions or romantic thoughts...it's always easier to take the easy road or conform to call yourself "normal" and being the good guy, at the end of the day you got to live with yourself and you'll pay the consequences for your decisions...the woman will make sure of that If you aren't honest...and even if you are, they still will.

 

Don't worry about being judged, labeled or criticized for your decisions if they're really what you want or need and you know they come from a good place...there are many many guys out there that are screwing as many women as they can just to screw them over yet without thinking two seconds about it, doing it with a smile and appearing emotional available because they have charm and charisma being completely believable, when they are truly not genuine, pretending things could have actually went further and just didn't work out when they full well knew it wasn't going any damn where from the beginning even though they agreed to a "relationship" and stayed far past the experience date...but they didn't really give a damn anyway, because they were thinking of themselves...but decided to just be "that guy" and to sing a nice tune that people want to hear, in particular to women who so eagerly want to believe it..and for men that know how, it really isn't that hard...we all know as guys how things operate behind the scenes, you know what it really is like as a man, the BS goes a long way.

 

Learn about yourselves as men and take your time...learn what you need physically, emotionally and mentally with a woman to be satisfied and content...make wise decisions with the women you actually go into relationship with because it's not just a small deal for women and realize that that woman is expecting a commitment out of it and a way to share your lives together and ask yourself if you're ready for it...you don't need a bunch of 2 or 3 months relationship, 6 or 7 months or whatever to say you're a "serious guy", or to be sitting in 1, 2, 3 year relationship that's got all kinds of problems ...you already know If you even want to make it that far when a meet a woman, you know her potential...listen to that...don't waste yours or her time.

 

That's my advice, don't have to take it...definitely don't have to like it, but it should be considered because I'm not one to talk out of my @ss and without reason.

[MidwestUSA]

Awe, sweetkiwi and Johan! Congratulations!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm definitely not trying to win any popularity contests with this post...especially with the ladies on this advice here, but it's definitely applicable to young men and that's who I am speaking to...I could easily have said something that sounds good for everybody but in reality isn't how things are...I'm not on LS to be politically correct or win favor of the ladies.

 

Nobody has to associate with me or openly agree with it from the forum (I wouldn't expect that especially with the judgments being made already, I'll take the flak for you, it's not a problem) but it's there for young men to read and I do stand behind it for many reasons, I know how young guys operate and I know the indecisiveness they can feel when wanting one thing or another and being conflicted because they want to live up to their own standards/expectations but women are telling them if they want anything worthwhile they've got to be in a relationship, when they are not ready for it. As a young man, you're trying to walk a tight-rope without falling to either side.

 

Any young guy reading this, don't succumb to peer pressure or popular vote...don't make decisions based on a whim and because of what women say to guilt you into relationships and make you feel like a "bad guy" and like you've got to be lacking some particular character quality, along with the one or two guys who takes the easy road and stokes the fire by agreeing with them with how you should be and feel...It's your life, you gotta go with your gut and figure out your own feelings, don't jump into something because you don't know what to do or how to respond to internal emotions or romantic thoughts...it's always easier to take the easy road or conform to call yourself "normal" and being the good guy, at the end of the day you got to live with yourself and you'll pay the consequences for your decisions...the woman will make sure of that If you aren't honest...and even if you are, they still will.

 

Don't worry about being judged, labeled or criticized for your decisions if they're really what you want or need and you know they come from a good place...there are many many guys out there that are screwing as many women as they can just to screw them over yet without thinking two seconds about it, doing it with a smile and appearing emotional available because they have charm and charisma being completely believable, when they are truly not genuine, pretending things could have actually went further and just didn't work out when they full well knew it wasn't going any damn where from the beginning even though they agreed to a "relationship" and stayed far past the experience date...but they didn't really give a damn anyway, because they were thinking of themselves...but decided to just be "that guy" and to sing a nice tune that people want to hear, in particular to women who so eagerly want to believe it..and for men that know how, it really isn't that hard...we all know as guys how things operate behind the scenes, you know what it really is like as a man, the BS goes a long way.

 

Learn about yourselves as men and take your time...learn what you need physically, emotionally and mentally with a woman to be satisfied and content...make wise decisions with the women you actually go into relationship with because it's not just a small deal for women and realize that that woman is expecting a commitment out of it and a way to share your lives together and ask yourself if you're ready for it...you don't need a bunch of 2 or 3 months relationship, 6 or 7 months or whatever to say you're a "serious guy", or to be sitting in 1, 2, 3 year relationship that's got all kinds of problems ...you already know If you even want to make it that far when a meet a woman, you know her potential...listen to that...don't waste yours or her time.

 

That's my advice, don't have to take it...definitely don't have to like it, but it should be considered because I'm not one to talk out of my @ss and without reason.

 

It's not about popularity contests. It's the fact that you always seem to speak on behalf of ALL men. In reality, what you are saying is only your own opinion. No matter how much you think you know it all, your opinion is worth just as much as mine or anyone elses.

 

Men are not "forced" or "trapped" into relationships with women. They are willing participants and in many cases get just as much, if not more out of them. So saying that men are tricked to commit (which is a general tone of most of your advice) is just false IMHO.

[sweetjasmine]

I also don't think that 20s are too young for a serious relationship...all depends on the type of person you are and if you come across someone you strongly connect to.

 

I agree. I would also add that relationships don't always just fall into your lap. If all you're looking for is casual fun until someone special pops up on your radar and suddenly changes you, you're probably only ever going to come across like-minded casual people.

 

I also think that there's value in having relationships that aren't necessarily going to last. Being in a healthy committed relationship requires certain skills that you don't really get to practice unless you're in one. I'm sure there are people out there who suddenly meet The One, change, and have a lifelong committed relationship, but I don't buy that it's a common thing. I think a lot of people need to learn how to navigate serious committed relationships, and a "quality FWB" doesn't teach you that.

[tbf]

kaylan, I don't think you're ready for any long-term commitment in that you still have trust issues to work through and some maturing to do.

[Anela]

I'm definitely not trying to win any popularity contests with this post...especially with the ladies on this advice here, but it's definitely applicable to young men and that's who I am speaking to...I could easily have said something that sounds good for everybody but in reality isn't how things are...I'm not on LS to be politically correct or win favor of the ladies.

 

Nobody has to associate with me or openly agree with it from the forum (I wouldn't expect that especially with the judgments being made already, I'll take the flak for you, it's not a problem) but it's there for young men to read and I do stand behind it for many reasons, I know how young guys operate and I know the indecisiveness they can feel when wanting one thing or another and being conflicted because they want to live up to their own standards/expectations but women are telling them if they want anything worthwhile they've got to be in a relationship, when they are not ready for it. As a young man, you're trying to walk a tight-rope without falling to either side.

 

Any young guy reading this, don't succumb to peer pressure or popular vote...don't make decisions based on a whim and because of what women say to guilt you into relationships and make you feel like a "bad guy" and like you've got to be lacking some particular character quality, along with the one or two guys who takes the easy road and stokes the fire by agreeing with them with how you should be and feel...It's your life, you gotta go with your gut and figure out your own feelings, don't jump into something because you don't know what to do or how to respond to internal emotions or romantic thoughts...it's always easier to take the easy road or conform to call yourself "normal" and being the good guy, at the end of the day you got to live with yourself and you'll pay the consequences for your decisions...the woman will make sure of that If you aren't honest...and even if you are, they still will.

 

Don't worry about being judged, labeled or criticized for your decisions if they're really what you want or need and you know they come from a good place...there are many many guys out there that are screwing as many women as they can just to screw them over yet without thinking two seconds about it, doing it with a smile and appearing emotional available because they have charm and charisma being completely believable, when they are truly not genuine, pretending things could have actually went further and just didn't work out when they full well knew it wasn't going any damn where from the beginning even though they agreed to a "relationship" and stayed far past the experience date...but they didn't really give a damn anyway, because they were thinking of themselves...but decided to just be "that guy" and to sing a nice tune that people want to hear, in particular to women who so eagerly want to believe it..and for men that know how, it really isn't that hard...we all know as guys how things operate behind the scenes, you know what it really is like as a man, the BS goes a long way.

 

Learn about yourselves as men and take your time...learn what you need physically, emotionally and mentally with a woman to be satisfied and content...make wise decisions with the women you actually go into relationship with because it's not just a small deal for women and realize that that woman is expecting a commitment out of it and a way to share your lives together and ask yourself if you're ready for it...you don't need a bunch of 2 or 3 months relationship, 6 or 7 months or whatever to say you're a "serious guy", or to be sitting in 1, 2, 3 year relationship that's got all kinds of problems ...you already know If you even want to make it that far when a meet a woman, you know her potential...listen to that...don't waste yours or her time.

 

That's my advice, don't have to take it...definitely don't have to like it, but it should be considered because I'm not one to talk out of my @ss and without reason.

 

And what about all of the guilting into sex, that seems to go on? "If a woman doesn't want to have sex right away, then she must not be attracted to you," and that sort of thing. Not in this thread, but everywhere else.

 

Nobody needs to be trapped in a relationship, that goes for women, too. Maybe men would do better to actually see if they like a woman, before they sleep with her? There's an idea. See how compatible you actually are, and then get to the sleeping together, and see what happens there. If you don't want a relationship, then date the girls who don't want one either - but don't insult them afterwards, and make them out to be disgusting creatures who will never, ever be capable of a real relationship (or deserving of one).

 

I see the value in more casual relationships now, I guess. I've always just been attracted to someone, though - I thought it started with two people who are sincerely attracted to each other, and WANT to date, so they have no interest in seeing other people. That hasn't been the case, though - I've mostly heard of people who want a test run in bed first, and then if they like the person, they want to keep seeing them, and that turned me right off. Or the whole "third date" rule. I wasn't going to be ready by the third date, with anyone.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Anela

[Anela]

How is this guilting into sex? A woman doesn't have to have sex with anyone, just because they want to, right? Certainly works that way for me

 

There are so many people out there, who will say that a woman isn't interested if they don't have sex with you right away. They think they're being dated to pass the time, or getting the friend zone, until someone the woman wants to sleep with comes along. Sex seems to be the big deal, and it used to be for me, too - not that I've really had much at all, and depression has killed the idea of it for me.

[kaylan]

Disagree with ninja. I think that kaylan is relationship oriented and is not really casual sex or FWB type. I also don't think that 20s are too young for a serious relationship...all depends on the type of person you are and if you come across someone you strongly connect to. After 30 the pool narrows with most desirable people being taken (yes even for men). I see many people settle for someone they are not that into because they are running out of time..and even men don't exactly want their first child at 40.

I actually agree with most, if not all of what he said. If youve seen my past threads, I used to be very relationship oriented. But getting ones heart stepped on in their late teens and again in their early 20s changes things. Plus as Ive gotten older Ive really seen the reality of how most people and relationships are...so I dont take getting into one very lightly.

 

No my 20s arent too young for a serious relationship, but my priorities have changed from my younger days. Right now I dont really have the trust just yet to commit to someone long term. And I do want to date around some still (that doesnt mean sleeping around).

 

Ninja had it pretty right with the idea of a romantic FWB. Sure its not ideal and sure it may lead to some drama or confusion...but as it stands Im not ready to make myself vulnerable to another. Its possible that a really great girl could change that, but I havent met anyone whos made me want to commit since things ended with my ex a few years ago. Its rare I meet a girl so compatible with me that I can see a future for us.

 

I wont settle, I wanna do the relationship thing right when I get into one.

Like Eternal Sunshine I disagree but only to the extent that I can't fathom how having a "quality FWB" and sharing intimate, romantic experiences with them can be even remotely positive for someone feeling themselves becoming more relationship oriented. You take someone who is starting to look fondly on a serious relationship then throw in some kind of convoluted "arrangement" that mimics an actual relationship...but isn't and you're pretty much courting disaster at this point.

Its not that Im becoming "more relationship oriented". Ive always been a 1 woman kind of dude even when casually dating. Once a girl and I get sexual, I dont continue to date around, even if its just a casual thing.

I mean you are really advising someone to get a friend with some very extraordinary benefits. Too many in fact. How confusing for the both of you. At which point does it become basically a girlfriend but without any of the work? You'd have to be pretty hardened or pretty strong willed not to catch any type of real feelings after all that. Now I don't think he should be rushing into a relationship but I'm also not against getting into something serious in your 20s either.

It works for some and not for others. I mean, if I found a girl Id want such a FWB arrangement with, it would maybe even put seeds of commitment into my head. Im not worried about catching feelings, as Ive had it happen with girls Ive dated casually before. Its a reality that happens sometimes.

Yep, that's exactly what it is.

 

It's the so-called 'girlfriend experience' for commitment phobes or those looking to maintain a steady sexual and romantic partner while also possessing the freedom to sleep around and/or "dump" them at random without any of the guilt. This is the gateway to a lot of hurt and confused feelings IMO.

Youre partly right but also partly wrong.

 

You call it being a commitment-phobe....I call it understanding the reality of people and relationships. While I do have trust issues due to what Ive experienced with women Ive dated and been in relationships...I also recognize how people really behave (a great many are dishonest and selfish). So Im very right to wait for the right girl to commit to.

 

That said, I never mislead a woman regarding my intentions when dating her. And I dont sleep with more than 1 woman at a time. So any freedom Id have to sleep around would be meaningless to me. And of course Id feel guilty about dumping someone if they really liked me...so that part doesnt apply to me either.

 

No gal has to date me. And Im always honest from the start. Shes free to dump me for someone else as well.

Edited August 10, 2013 by kaylan

[MrNate 2.0]

I say just keep walking in the path you feel most comfortable walking in.

 

Sure, everything may not be clear yet, but I say don't let it slow ya down.

[kaylan]

kaylan, I don't think you're ready for any long-term commitment in that you still have trust issues to work through and some maturing to do.

Agree. I think some people here missed that. Im not a spring chicken at 26 going on 27, but Im still young and growing. Im still figuring myself out some.

Agree dysfunctional 'relationship' at its worst. I don't know why the fear of relationships and why there has to be a strict book on what a man should learn in his 20s. Dealing with intimacy and expectations should be just as high up on the list as heaving steady sex while he 'finds himself' (is Kaylan lost?). I don't think aiming to be a heartless bastard and dumping you 'FWB' is a way to gain a healthy outlook on life. Half of the bitter men on this board who are in their 30s and 40s are not capable of connecting to women on a level that goes beyond FWB.

This is not just about sex. I dont think some women will ever truly get why some guys do the FWB thing. I dont take relationships lightly. Unless I really see a future with a girl, Im not gonna commit. And its not because Im heartless. Not everyone is compatible long term, and I wont mind if some girls feel that way about me.

 

Just because I may be able to sexually and/or emotionally connect with someone doesnt mean they are the right girl for me. And just because I dont decide to commit to a girl Im seeing casually doesnt make me a heartless bastard. I never lie about my intentions, though I know many guys do.

Edited August 10, 2013 by kaylan