My boyfriend has been married before, and I can't shake the idea of them together!!!

[Dkaplan2]

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months now, I met him while he was still living and in a marriage with another woman. He states that they were separated though they still lived together, said I love you, and hasn't filed for a divorce yet. We worked together and worked nights and would hangout after work from 4am till 8 or 9 then he would go back home and it'd break my heart.

 

It took 2 and a half months for him to file a divorce, they hadn't even been married a year. Terrible way to fall in love with someone. He had put off the idea that he was happily married so i never admitted to liking him so he told me and her that he loved us both at the same time but claimed he was only "going through the motions" with her, that the only time he ever loved her was as a friend and that everything about the relationship was forced.

 

He and his friends had told me that he didn't want to get married he was forced into it but I can't get over the fact that he had promised forever to someone else. We talk about marriage and kids but I can't imagine the feeling of walking down the aisle to meet him in a place and listen to him promise things to me that he already promised to someone else. It hurts so bad. I can see that he loves me he says I am the love of his life, we talk about our future and dreams and growing old but it feels like I am just standing on the second place platform.

 

I am not handling his past well at all he's 24 I'm 21 we all have a past but I don't know how to handle these feelings and I need help! I go back and forth between telling myself that he's the one and then telling myself that this relationship is too much to handle!

Edited August 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BradJacobs]

Rule of thumb is this:

 

One in two first marriages will fail.

Two out of every three second marriages will fail.

Three out of every four third marriages will fail.

 

But that almost means there are success stories so take the statistics with a grain of salt.

 

You're 21. You have a long life ahead of you. Why not just do your thing and enjoy the moments?

[Kant]

I know this is easier said then done (believe me I know), but he has to grieve for the loss of his marriage. In fact he has to go though that whole grieving cycle before you two have any hope of making this work. And I know how scary that sounds, because it means letting him go and hoping that he comes back.

 

I know thats not what you want too hear

[LostInTheWild]

Well, if he's really going through the divorce, then he must not have thought she was the one to begin with. Maybe you should tell him your concerns and see what he says. I've heard a lot of men just tell their mistresses these things and never make any move to divorce their wives.

 

On the other hand, when they do actually divorce their wives, I'm sure the third party often has the same feelings you do and I think they're more attributed to fear and guilt. What value does he place on marriage? Will he do the same thing to me if I married him?

 

Think about whether or not you can let these feelings go. If you can't, maybe you could try counseling for yourself or invite him to come along. If that's out of the question and in a few months you feel the same way, I believe it will ruin your relationship with him. Good luck.

[ForgetMeNots]

You are jealous of being the other woman, and there is also the fear of if he did this and said that to her, he may do the same thing for you. There will never be trust in this relationship from the beginning which will not be healthy.

Edited August 10, 2013 by ForgetMeNots

[FitChick]

Rule of thumb: Don't date a man who has been divorced less than two years, unless you just want an affair.

[IAmRobot]

Rule of thumb is this:

 

One in two first marriages will fail.

Two out of every three second marriages will fail.

Three out of every four third marriages will fail.

 

But that almost means there are success stories so take the statistics with a grain of salt.

 

You're 21. You have a long life ahead of you. Why not just do your thing and enjoy the moments?

 

That's just in modern western societies. -.-'. Im sure in more conservative countries the first one

"One in two first marriages will fail." is more like "One in ten first marriages will fail." making the other two lines mean nothing.

 

Anyway, OP, so you basically got yourself a committed guy, to commit to you? And now you wanna be the wife that he was "emotionally" cheating on? How can you even trust him around other women when you know what happened with you two?? GL

[BradJacobs]

That's just in modern western societies. -.-'. Im sure in more conservative countries the first one

"One in two first marriages will fail." is more like "One in ten first marriages will fail." making the other two lines mean nothing.

I gathered from how quick the divorce was processed that both her man and her are in the US.