WomanOfStrength Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 Hi Guys, I need some good and realistic advice. I asked my boyfriend nicely to throw his pictures of his exes away, but he refused and got mad. He said I was not respecting his privacy??! I asked him to give me one valid reason why he should keep it..and he can't really answer. He just said that he figured those pictures were taken prior to meeting me and were kept out of respect. I told him that I would throw my exes' pics away at no cost, because I understand how he would feel. But he wouldn't do the same for me. I really don't understand what's the huge sacrifice about pictures of your ex if you really don't have feelings for them. I totally believe him that he really really likes me and is serious about our relationship. But it seems like he fails to realize that him keeping pictures of his ex and not willing to throw them out for me- hurts me and makes me feel insecure. I think he is being selfish. I feel like he hasn't completely let go somehow. To me, ex means EXIT, so everything out the door. It's the past, so move on, right?! What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking for too much? I'm not asking him to throw every picture he has, his friends and family pictures--strictly his ex. What exactly is the benefit of keeping those tangible items?
SadAndLonely Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 I think you're being unreasonable and asking too much. Your boyfriend's life doesn't begin with you. If you want to throw out pictures of your exes, feel free, but it's disrespectful to ask him to. If you have insecurity issues, those are YOUR issues, not his, and he shouldn't be punished for them. My boyfriend has pictures of his first love. I asked to see them one day so I could see what she looks like. They were cute together, and she was cute on her own, but I didn't feel threatened. She's his ex for a reason. Incidentally, she's also married now, and while they're sort of still friends (opposite sides of a big group of friends), they rarely see each other. Now, I could either make a big deal out of the pictures and drive him away, or I could truly show love for him by embracing everything that made him who he is, and accept everything about him and let him have his privacy and past.
babybear Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 I would be upset if my bf asked me to throw out pics of my ex. They are experiences that I have had, that have made me who I am, and that I want to remember. Doesn't mean I am still in love with the guy, but all of these things had some special meaning at some point in time. If he's distasteful about it, looks through them everyday, or plasters his ex-gf;s all over his walls, I'd be pissed. But I certainly wouldnt ask him to throw away all his memories just b/c I can't stand the fact that he has had an ex-gf. I agree with Sad and Lonely. I have asked my ex to show me pics of his first love, and he has seen mine. We shared the experience, we didn't threaten each other by it. Bb
dyermaker Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 SadAndLonely is right. To me, ex means EXIT, so everything out the door It's possible that your flawed etymology is causing your misunderstanding. Ex is latin for "out of". Recognize that the person you know and love now comes "out of" his relationship with this lady. A memory of who he once was shouldn't threaten what he now has. Responses: I really don't understand what's the huge sacrifice about pictures of your ex if you really don't have feelings for them. He does have feelings for her, you have feelings for everyone who's been a part of your life. The destruction of photographs does nothing to erase feelings. But it seems like he fails to realize that him keeping pictures of his ex and not willing to throw them out for me- hurts me and makes me feel insecure. You can't make someone feel insecure, it's unfair to take out your insecurity on him. You're guilty of what's called "emotional blackmail"--using the idea of "you're hurting me" to get what you want--that's destructive. There's a difference between understanding your feelings and doing whatever you say. I feel like he hasn't completely let go somehow. It's possible he hasn't--that's a seperate issue. If he hasn't let go, the photographs are inconsequential. Am I being unreasonable? Yes. Am I asking for too much? There's no need to ask at all. I'm not asking him to throw every picture he has, his friends and family pictures--strictly his ex. Not relevant.
tokyo Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 I´d never do this, even if I´m not interested in someone anymore I´d never throw his picture away, it´s part of my life and I´m not going to be ashamed of it or rip it our or throw it away, because someone who is also important to me demands it. You can expect a lot from your partner, but not everything. This is clearly not your business. It wouldn´t be ok to frame them and put them up in his apartment, but don´t expect him to throw them away.
Mr Spock Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 Hey, he shouldn't have to throw them away, it's part of his life. If he's got them lovingly displayed in a sliver frame decorated with hearts ask him nicely to pack them away in a special box, if you're not too busy running for the door.
Adunaphel Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 It is unreasonable to ask him to throw the pics away, but it is very reasonable to ask him to keep them in a sellotaped shoe box or in a similar place and not to look at them while he is in a relationship with you.
bluechocolate Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 Originally posted by Adunaphel It is unreasonable to ask him to throw the pics away, but it is very reasonable to ask him to keep them in a sellotaped shoe box or in a similar place ..... .... and really it should be a no-brainer of his part.
dizi Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 It is unreasonable to ask him to throw the pics away, but it is very reasonable to ask him to keep them in a sellotaped shoe box or in a similar place and not to look at them while he is in a relationship with you. My boyfriend asked me to get rid of all my pictures of my exes. After all, we are getting married. Since he will be with me forever, what is the point of putting them in a box and "not look at them while he is in a relationship" with me? If he is with me forever, would I ever take these out? Probably not. What's the point? So I can go, "Oh yeah...that guy was hot," or "I was so in love with him...wonder what he's up to?" So, I did it, and I don't regret it. You keep pictures so you can look back and remember what was. When I was just dating, sure I kept my pictures in a box and might bust 'em out occasionally, but this is different. He does have feelings for her, you have feelings for everyone who's been a part of your life. The destruction of photographs does nothing to erase feelings. True, true, Dyer... They may have played a part in who I've become, but the lessons and memories are in my head. I don't need and will never feel the need to look at these people. He did the same thing. No regrets. I'm not saying that everybody should do this - this is just what we did, and it works for us... I think that while you are "just" boyfriend and girlfriend, it probably is asking too much. So, did you end up throwing yours away anyway, or are you keeping them because he is?? If not, why don't you?
SadAndLonely Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 I keep the pictures of my exes in a loose bundle along with all my other pictures, including ones of places to which I'm traveled, family members, etc. Sometimes I look through all of them. I don't pine or linger over the pictures of the exes. Let the man have his damn photos. Let him look at them once in a while. As long as everything else in your relationship is solid and he's not pining over them or displaying them in places, things are fine. Controlling someone else = bad.
250r Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 Yep, I agree w/ everyone. I have never dated a woman who didn't have several boxes of exboyfriend crap laying around somewhere. It didn't bother me a bit. My current live-in-girlfriend must have 10 shoeboxes full of stuff in my attic. As long as it stays out of site I don't care at all. I show the same respect for her by keeping all my pictures out of sight as well.
tiki Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 I'm getting married in December and I've done my work. Mine are gone. If I come across them as I go, they'll be gone too. We have a memory for a reason. Let it serve it's purpose. How long have you been dating this guy? Is it serious? Marriage material? I didn't get rid of mine until recently. There's no way I'm trashing my pics if there's a chance this guy could be fly by night, sorry.
paradissa1 Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 i wish i had kept a pic of my first....that was 16 years ago but i have great momories and no regrets except one.........i have no pics.he died 12 years ago.i am happly married for and been with my husband for 10 years but it would have been nice to have some pics
SoleMate Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 This issue has been addressed many times before on LS. 80% of answers say, "OK to keep G-rated pictures of ex, as long as they are stored out of sight and not viewed frequently." Many people think naked or sexual photos should either be DEEP stored or discarded. I would never ask my SO to toss photos of the ex(es), nor would I agree to toss mine (if I even had any). Those are memories. As often as not, the memories are unflattering to the ex! Whether one's current SO can accept it or not, one's past is part of who one is today. Widespread cleansing of ex memorabilia smacks of rewriting the past. As in, "Before I came into your life, there was no one. Ever." We know that in most cases, this is not true...
SadAndLonely Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 To be fair, it shouldn't be up to anyone here to decide, because we all have our own opinions. It should be up to your boyfriend. They're his pictures. You need to decide if this one thing is big enough to make you break up. If it's not (and in my opinion it shouldn't be), then you should get over it, because anger and insecurity are wasteful emotions, especiall when misplaced, as anger often is.
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