dgiirl Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 So it's over. I love him. I don't want it over. But I started to want more. He started to pull away. Everything went down hill from there. We just broke up tonight. I'm heart broken, relieved and numb all at the same time. Half of me doesn't believe it's over. Such confusing mix of emotions. Can someone say a prayer for me? I really want to find peace within myself and a healthy loving lasting relationship in the future. We almost had it! Almost!
Author dgiirl Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 The night is hell. I keep tossing and turning and the few moments of sleep is dreams about him. I just had a dream where he wrote a beautiful eloborate romantic message with candles with the message, "our love was true never have any doubt about that" I'm so sad right now. I feel like writing a mutual friend the following: Dear A, I just wanted to let you know that T and I just broke up after 6 years being together. I still love him very very much and am tremendously hurt. I wanted to let you know because although I cannot fault you for our entire breakup, I want you to know you are not completely innocent either. It hurt me very deeply when you started hanging out with and messaged T behind my back. When a woman agrees to have lunch with another woman's boyfriend without her there and when she starts messaging him to set up activities for the three of us without involving the girlfriend, she has to realize that her actions can lead to a dangerous line. If the news of us breaking up has brought any tinge of happiness then that is the line I am talking about. T reassures me that nothing has happened and I do believe him. But I also don't think he fully understands the difference between a physical and an emotional affair. I believe your actions put a lot of stress on our relationship and T started to pull away and hid your communications from me which are actions that lead to an emotional affair. I just want you to know, regardless if it was intentional or not, you just hurt me the way your ex, M, hurt you a few years back. Obviously, I'm not sure where our friendship lies. But I'm asking for you to please be respectful to me and be conscious of your actions and hurting me in the future. Especially if you keep pursuing T. -d
Trimmer Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 The night is hell. I keep tossing and turning and the few moments of sleep is dreams about him. I just had a dream where he wrote a beautiful eloborate romantic message with candles with the message, "our love was true never have any doubt about that" I'm so sad right now. Hey girl. I'm so sorry. That is the most unfair dream... Where you get teased with some kinds of good feelings about it all, and then when you wake up and realize it was a dream, it's like a loss all over again. You know the drill - it's rough at first, then little tiny bits of good will poke through occasionally. But yeah, mostly it sucks for a while. Thinking about you...
Author dgiirl Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Trimmer! It is so nice to see a familiar face! Yeah, sadly i do know the drill. So far it's not as painful as my divorce, and at least the breakup is semi mutual and a lot more respectful towards one another. But it is a lot more confusing too. He knows that i dont believe in staying friends with an ex but he doesn't want to lose my friendship. He seemed tremendously shook up when he asked " I'm never going to talk to you again? You have been in my life for 6 years!" But I just don't know how to stop loving and wanting him if he is in my life. So complicated!
Trimmer Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 God, I can't believe it's been 6 years! (Hmmm, that may be as close as I come to a prayer...) And given the time in your time zone, I'm going to assume this is another one of your sleepless nights?
Author dgiirl Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Yep sleepless night for me. Sadly I have the next two weeks off for vacation with zero plans. Great start! Has it only been 6 years for us? I'm sure it's been longer! Sadly, I lost contact with this forum when things were going good for T and I, self preservation and all. I hope life is treating you well!
Exitleft Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Will say a prayer for you, dear. It gets better. **hugs** 1
Trimmer Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Yep sleepless night for me. Sadly I have the next two weeks off for vacation with zero plans. Great start! Well, you know as well as I do that you can't just sit around and do nothing - you've got to have something going on - try something new, take a risk, anything but sit around, right? Has it only been 6 years for us? I'm sure it's been longer! Sadly, I lost contact with this forum when things were going good for T and I, self preservation and all. I hope life is treating you well! Hey, don't worry about going away from here - I was assuming that was generally a good thing. I'm doing OK, but I won't be if I don't get some sleep! I'll check in tomorrow.... Take it easy and treat yourself well right now, OK?
Author dgiirl Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Will say a prayer for you, dear. It gets better. **hugs** Thanks ExitLeft! For some reason, having ppl think positive things for me is a great source of comfort. I feel very lonely at the moment and just need reassurance that life works out in the end. Well, you know as well as I do that you can't just sit around and do nothing - you've got to have something going on - try something new, take a risk, anything but sit around, right? Yep. I'll do my best not to sit around moping . All the old feelings are rushing back tho. Panic attacks, desperation, wanting to call him and beg him to change his mind. And it's only been one day! So hard right now, but I'm not in complete tears just yet. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet or I've grieved enough the past month (which I was crying mostly daily as he pulled away). Lets hope for the latter. I want to start living again! Hey, don't worry about going away from here - I was assuming that was generally a good thing. I'm doing OK, but I won't be if I don't get some sleep! I'll check in tomorrow.... Take it easy and treat yourself well right now, OK? Take good care! And thanks for replying to my thread!
Author dgiirl Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 (edited) Another sleepless night, although slightly better than the previous night. I spent the entire day yesterday walking around downtown in the sunshine. It was great to be distracted and I'm just faking it until I make it. I'm going through ups and downs. Wanting him back, acceptance that perhaps he wasn't "the one", relieved that I don't have to worry about him pulling away and what I can do to fix it, etc. But right now, I feel like a f"ing idiot. T and I have been apart of this group of friends from the beginning of our relationship. We all shared a hobby and that's how we ALL met. In any case, A use to date M, and they broke up a few years ago. It was awkward for the group because ppl didn't know who to invite to where. I was really supportive towards A and I tried to not leave her out, so often if I planned one thing with group + M, the next time I would alternate it with A. About a year ago, with the help of A, T got a job at the same place as A, and then she quit a few months later due to a better job oppurtunity. Then about 6 months ago, T and I would start hanging out with A. We would often go out for day trips and bring her along. I didn't know they were very close, I assumed as close as I was to her. Friendly, hang out for coffee once every few months, and comment on each others fb pages. But then I started to find out that A and T had lunch together as they work in the same area. Then I found out it was a few more times. Then I find out she invited us to hang out here and there. But I had NO clue when they were talking to one another, only after the fact. I really struggled with if I was just over reacting and being jealous or if I should be worried. I talked to T and told him, please be careful with A, as I think she has a crush on you. Can you please keep me involved in the conversations as I feel left out. He said he would, but nothing changed. During this time, I would tell him that we need to spend more time together. We were only seeing each other once a week and talking every night on the phone. The last month it got worse to the point that we saw each other 4 times and he didn't want to speak any more on the phone. Last week, I mentioned that the group was going to an event. He told me he didn't want to go as it was a long drive, would involve us staying out really late, and each year it rains out. I was ok with that as he also had an event the next morning for another friend. So we didn't really talk on the phone during the week, but he msged me good morning every morning and we would have little chit chat through the day. Friday, he msged me saying we are going to the event and we are picking up A. I asked him when did he speak to A, mid week, and said I wished he talked to me before hand. I wasn't upset. I was disappointed we were not communicating properly. He then said he would cancel the plans and was upset. After work, I called him and asked if he wanted to talk, and he said no, he was going to take the weekend to himself and would see me during the week (we are both on vacation now). That is when I said we need to talk tonight and we broke up. Our breakup was as best as one could be. He admitted that he was pulling away and that I did everything I possibly could. That I fought hard for us and that is why we stayed together for so long. I asked him in 6 months from now am I going to look like an idiot when you start dating A. He said there is nothing going on, there never has been anything going on, they are just friends. Then he acknowledged that she is an attractive woman, but nothing is going on. For anyone who knows my story, I was married before I dated T, and my exh left me out of the blue. He left me saying there was no one else, then admitted to having just lunch three times with this girl, and now they have two kids together and as far as I know have been together for the last 8 years. So I'm pissed off that both my relationships have ended pretty similar. I do realize that there was a lot more to the breakup of my relationships than these girls. But both men refused to acknowledge that anything was going on. I trust that nothing physical was going on, but why can't they see or admit that they were developing crushes on other women? I just cannot compete! I kept my dignity by not saying anything to anyone about my exh and his mistress, but now I just feel like punching A in the face! I don't know what to do. I feel like an idiot. I just know in 6 months they will be together and worry what our mutual friends will think of me. I don't want to lose my friends, but I also don't want to see them accept A and T together. I'm so pissed! Edited August 11, 2013 by dgiirl
Author dgiirl Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Another sleepless night. I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do! I keep writing letters (and not sending them) to various people. Him. Her. Group of friends. One minute I'm accepting of it. Next minute, I'm so pissed off. Do I take the high road once again and keep everything to myself? Or do I tell the world what bull **** this "just friends" thing is. I'm really really mad at life! I keep having to start over again. It's bull****! Is there ever such a thing as true love? I'm starting to have my doubts. Obviously, I'm not the "marrying" type. Something's wrong with me! I can keep these really great guys for a few years and then it slowly goes down hill! With my marriage, I know what went wrong. Or at least, I knew what *I* did wrong. Not that I could have saved my marriage, but at least I was able to learn about myself and take some lessons away for self improvement. I made tremendous progress. I grew up, took accountability for my actions, conquered my depression, did things I would have been completely afraid to in the past. The amount of growth I did was amazing. I became a much stronger, prettier, better person. This time, I really don't know what I did wrong. There is nothing that I can take away to do differently next time. I gave him his space. I didn't fight or nag him. I didn't pressure for marriage. We took things really slow, perhaps too slow. When he started to have mild complaints about house chores, etc, I listened and actively tried to find solutions. I tried to keep the spark alive, tried inviting him to try new things, and kept getting rejected, but I tried to not take it personally. I kept the sex going and it was great! His words! I always showed appreciation for everything he did. I kept fighting for us! And yet he still wandered off! What is wrong with me? I wasn't a very good wife and I learned from that experience. I was an excellent girlfriend! I don't know what I can learn from that! I strongly believe that when you keep facing the same issues over and over again, life is trying to teach you something. I don't know what my life lesson is!
Author dgiirl Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) Oh boy what a whirlwind couple of days! I was moving on, keeping myself overly busy, and didn't want to talk to him. Unfortunately, I was also hurting a real lot and just wanted to accept the situation. I told our group of friends that we broke up and that he was spending inappropriate time with her. It made me feel good to let my "truth" out. I didn't do it to spite them. I just couldn't keep quiet like I did in the past. It almost killed me. Then, T sent me the most touching birthday card and wrote all the things I've been begging from him for the past year. He was thinking of me and missing me! He also sent me a birthday txt asking if I wanted to have lunch or dinner with him. I was so confused. I was so pissed. I was moving on and feeling good. But a friend confronted me. She said it looked like I was doing things in spite of him. I kinda was. So I msged him. Saying that I was thinking and missing him too. If there was and doubt about his feelings, I would still be willing to talk, otherwise, I think we should unfriend on Facebook. It wasn't healthy for either of us. He replied that he has been conflicted ever since we broke up. That he was listening to his head too much, to not be a couple, but his heart didn't want that. He asked if we could speak and make this decision together. We met and he said everything I've ever wanted a guy to say. He wanted to live with me. He wanted us to work and find a solution to the whole thing. He also said some other stuff about how I needed to find my own passion in something. He criticized my photography and said I haven't improved and I should just stop. I told him politely off! I told him I don't care if he liked my photography or not, I do! I'm going to do what I want and he has no right to tell me what I can or cannot do! It felt so good to stand up for myself and he said that maybe that was the passion he was talking about. We spent the entire time walking in a park like we use to when dating. We were going to take things slow, continue to evaluate our relationship but we agreed to not date anyone yet, we will remain exclusive. I confessed to the email I sent, I showed it to him. He was very supportive. However, the next day, his feelings changed. He was shocked and hurt I would betray him that way. I told him he hurt me too, and we were broken up when I sent the email. He finally convinced me he never cheated on me. I made a HUGE mistake. I was pissed, said some things to him and hung up the phone. I couldn't sleep at all. In the morning, I found the courage to write another email to the whole group explaining I was so wrong. I cried the whole day. I deleted my fb account. I stayed in bed with the covers over my head. I msged him telling him I'm truly sorry for the way it ended and that I hope he can forgive me one day. He replied saying he has already forgiven me. It took a lot of courage to do what I did and he was proud of me. He said to not go into hiding, I'll still have my friends, including him. He offered to come over as a friend. It kills me every time he writes friend. I want so much more than friendship! So I don't know where we are at right now. I'm just trying to refocus back on me, get my self confidence back. Please, keep saying those prayers/thoughts for me. I need the strength for whatever is about to come. I hope he will come back. I hope we can figure out how to work together. He keeps surprising me! Things I was positive he would or wouldn't do, because that is what me ex did, he has done the complete opposite. But if he doesn't, I just need the strength to get back to being happy again! Edited August 19, 2013 by dgiirl
Author dgiirl Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 So we haven't talked in over a week. So much for him wanting to work on us. Noticed A also blocked me on fb. I'm trying to understand if that is a reasonable response. If I was her, and nothing was going on, I'd accept the apology and try to reach out. I'd have compassion that the person was hurting. ****, I was there for her! I just had a nightmare that t de friended me. Woke up in panic. I know it's not healthy, but I can't just de friend him yet. Man, I miss him so much.
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