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vla1120

By vla1120
in Separation and Divorce

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vla1120 Established Member

vla1120

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I'm not sure how to navigate the family and friends situation. I do not communicate with my family. We have always lived near his family, so they have been my only family for 32 years. I have pretty much withdrawn from his family because I don't want anyone to feel like they are in a position to have to pick sides. (Over the years, they have been advocates of mine and have wondered many times why I stayed.) Maybe down the road, things will be different. I made contact with them to tell them that I love them and I am here if they want to contact me. I'm still getting daily texts from friends about his postings on social networking about how I'm ruining his life and leaving him in a financial mess. They keep asking me what's going on. They haven't heard anything from me about it because I refuse to let my private life play out on social networking. Really? I'm leaving him in a financial lurch? I pay all the bills except his car, and I offered to pay that off in the agreement. I offered to pay $300 per month toward his rent for the first year when he gets a place. I am giving him a $3000 nest egg to get started. I asked him why he is telling people I'm screwing him financially when I think I'm being quite reasonable. He said because he knows I'm only doing it because I feel guilty for leaving. I do NOT feel guilty for leaving! He makes PLENTY of money to support himself, but always cries poor. He has the victim act down so pat! Meanwhile, again, he cares SO much about all of this that he is dating his second woman in two weeks from an online dating site!

 

Sorry about that vent. Here is my real question. I am really close to his 34-yr-old daughter from his first marriage. She wants to meet me for lunch next week to see how I am doing. I want to see her, of course. We could have lunch and not discuss the current situation, but I'm not sure if I should ask his permission to see his daughter, or at least tell him I'm seeing her? She is a grown woman, but she is also his daughter. I don't know if I'm over-thinking it. I'm glad I have my friends who have supported me and rallied around me. He has his friends, too. I just wonder what to do about the gray areas, like his family and his daughter.

Edited by vla1120
Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yes, you are over-thinking. This is a free country. And his daughter is over 21. You don't need anyone's permission to meet her.

 

As far as the rest of his family, all you can do, is what you have done, period. You told them you love them. That is all you can do, those are your final words to his family. Honey, I understand this very well myself. His family is not your blood family. In divorce, they are no longer your family in law. It is their decision if they want to maintain contact with you.

 

On a personal note. I met my "Greek" family late in my marriage overseas, in 2000. They immediately embraced and loved me as their daughter. But the divorce began in 2008. It was recommended to me to send cards to my foreign Mother and Father in Laws that simply stated that "I love you" in their language, which I did. My consciounce is clean. They must stand by their son, even though I believe, even through a dis-connect in language, they knew very well he mistreated me and brought on the divorce himself. Families stand by their own, thru thick and thin. That is how the world works. Just let go of your connection to his family. It's over.

 

If everyone thinks you a bad girl about screwing him with the money (even though the opposite is true), then why not just give to your established reputation, and accept it? Cut off the findings with that new perspective as well. Why would you want to be throwing around all that dough when EVERYONE SAYS you are robbing him blind?

 

So, just live up to your rep, that's all. If anyone has any questions about your withdrawal of current funding, you just say, "Now you know what being left in a leerch is all about, everything that is being said about me is now currently accurate."

 

You'll find that you have more money in you own bank account that way.

 

And who cares what anyone says? Can it get any worse? You might as well live up to your reputation. Done and done. Thank you very much. :)

 

(That's the attitude I'm promoting to you. Get me?). Yas

 

PS I don't use smiley faces very often.

Edited by Yasuandio
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vla1120 Established Member

vla1120

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Thank you, Yas. In a way, I've been grieving the end of this marriage for years. I guess I hadn't really considered the fact that I was going to lose the family, too, until now - but they are his. You are 100% correct. Now, if I could just muster up the kahunas to pull back on some of the generosity. That one, I'll have to work on. I guess maybe I feel like it's worth it if that's what it will take to finally make him go away for good, but if he pi**es me off enough - I'll grow a pair!! (And I'm honored to have warranted a smiley!! Lol)

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