Can you love too much and can it ruin what could've been?

[likeagunshot]

hi in lack of finding ways to mend myself or cope with this, im just going to share my story here and see if theres anyone out there who could help me out with a little more intelligence than i seem to have when it comes to this situation..

 

so, there's this guy (he's 23 and i'm 26, same birthday) we've been on off for 2 years. we met and immediately hit it off - we just have this insane connection, in the beginning we moved so fast it was like we didn't need the initial phases of getting to know each other because it felt like we'd been married for years almost instantly.

 

we've been through ups and downs and been through some really horrible fights and done some pretty bad things to each other. but when we've been good it's been better than life itself; just real and close and true and we both felt like it was truer than anything we ever experienced before.

 

i will go out of my way to be there for him. and he's done some pretty solid things for me as well. i feel that through our fights which were absolutely HORRIBLE and HORRENDOUS in every way imaginary, he's lost the hope that we can ever work out.

 

he's told me only months ago we're not 'made for a couple' but same night he told me that he then ended up calling me a few hours later saying he doesnt want to see any other girl and he's here with me. the morning after however i just decided it wasnt enough and left. we then had a two month break before he called me again. since then we've been sporadically seeing each other.

 

we never said i love you but i always felt the most safe and loved with him. he made me feel loved. if i was ill at 4am hed come and bring me to the hospital. when i couldnt sleep or worried about not getting a job or whatever he was there even though i might have called him in the time that we werent supposed to talk, but i did anyway without even thinking and he picked up and comforted me like it was normal.

 

we've been through ALOT together, i mean alot from the worst possible scenarios to the best. everytime its good and we are the most close i feel like one of us ruins it.

 

i feel like i love him so much and we could have had so many great moments but we were just unable to have.

 

a week ago i think we had our final.. bye. he told me again we'll never be together and i deserve better. he also said and i dont know why, that he doesnt understand why im in love with him and he thinks im not. he said he thinks i want him only because i cant have him.

 

i dont know if i loved him too much and thats one of the reasons we couldnt work. i feel that i encouraged all of him, his bad and good sides and maybe because i loved him so much i never set any boundaries. im just really confused.

 

i feel like this is the final curtain call and i should move on but i miss him, or i dont even miss him but i dont feel right being without him.

 

im really confused by this. help?

Edited August 9, 2013 by likeagunshot

[likeagunshot]

'you're not in love with me, you just want me because you can't have me.'

 

my ex wrote that and i cant for the life of me figure out why. or what it means.. thoughts?

 

given the nature of our relationship its a bit complicated and we've been down this road once before when he was saying how nobody would put up with him. he's lazy and very irresponsible and etc. and i told him i would but clearly he didnt believe me?

[flow15]

I feel like I'm reading my own story here, do we have the same ex?? I may not be able to give you the best advice out there, but I'm going to try seeing as I completely relate to your story.

 

You have to try and forget about this guy, he isn't good for you... you need to be with someone who doesnt keep coming in and out of your life, who can't decide whether he wants to be with you or not. This kind of relationship isnt healthy and it took me a long time to firgure that out.

 

Keep your chin up, it will get easier with time.. but you need to go NC with this one... give him time to grow up a bit.

[likeagunshot]

i dont know, do we? lol..

 

what did you do in your situation?

 

i think i CAN move on, i'm not hopeless without him.i just wish it would work out. i wish i could deserve to be with the person i love. i always manage to move on for a bit and then i start missing him so much and for whatever reason we keep going back to each other though after the last break up we absolutely said we should try and NOT contact each other (this has failed on both accounts)

 

so he told me we'll never be together two weeks ago along with the 'youre not in love with me' bull**** and a week later i responded with a text telling him i want him because i love him and i will continue to but that he is right and i deserve somebody who loves me and its not him.

 

this was monday a week ago almost and NOW out of the blue he just called me. i didnt pick up but i dont know if i should text him or call him bk?

 

im scared he only called me to tell me to move on. what do you think?

[flow15]

After going back and forth for 3 years, and realising he was never going to commit to me (not any time soon anyway, I am also 26 and he 23) I decided to cut all contact and walk away. I actually bumped into him for the first time in over a year just last week, and it left me feeling rly confused.. but thats another story.

 

Point is, relationships aren't supposed to be easy, but I don't think theyre supposed to be this hard either... we may love someone so much, but that doesn't mean they are good for us. The fact that you are on/off/on/off.... isn't healthy... Call him back, see what he has to say... but in the end you have to walk away from this mess. Give yourselves time to really think about what you want, and also give him time to grow up. Cos right now it's not doing you any good, I'm sure the situation is driving you crazy.

[likeagunshot]

thanks for replying really. it helps. and i think youre right i think i need to re-evaluate and maybe further down the road we can have an honest talk about what went wrong but for now hes just too into his own way of living and it doesnt matter how much i love him because i cant fix him and i dont want to either but i cant stick around for his madness

 

its just hard because obviously i love him more than i love me and its the first time i feel that way. i have this unshakable sensation that hes the one and it would break my heart if ever he was hurt or he hurt himself and no one was there for him or the day something happened and he DIDNT call me (which he still does even though we're split up)

[veggirl]

What kind of fights did you have?

 

Sounds like you equate drama with good passion. Don't you want a drama free relationship? obviously you can't have it w/ this guy, that type of intensity you guys had built up is unhealthy, it's kept alive only by the crazy drama you obviously had. That's not true love. That's dysfunction. Super high or super low...you guys had a bi-polar relationship. Where was the happy middle ground? nothing you wrote suggests anything of the sort, just crazy fighting and intense making up.

[likeagunshot]

veggirl - thanks for replying.. i absolutely agree with you. in a way. the thing is i would've loved those happy moments to have been the bigger part of our relationship. the moments we were good and happy were the happiest of my life (relationship wise).

 

our fights have always been sparked with alcohol and or drugs. not as into it as him but around him i always do it or its been that way. we arent very healthy together but i dont want it to be that way and i dont want to tell this story in a light that will make you think that. we have had some pretty heavy lows, we lived together or i lived at his and his lifestyle is very... outlandish, we always ended up going on day benders and sleeping til 8pm if sleeping at all and doing crazy things.

 

but when i could keep him OFF alcochol and drugs it was perfect, we did normal things, went to museums, parks,picnics, walks, painted, saw friends, had dinners, went exploring around the city, etc. its just that he has this need to live like an artist (the way he thinks they should live) and he has a super super complex relationship with his very burgeouise parents so he always tries to rebel in a way.. hes not dumb though he knows his ways very well and he knows hes not very healthy and i think hed like to change it but the urge isnt strong enough and i guess i wasnt inspiring enough for him to really make that change long lasting.

 

our worst fights have been when we've both been on drugs or alcohol for days on end, no sleep, no food.. this affects ANYONE and especially me as i usually have a pretty solid daily schedule, so im not used to it, so i will become crazy and he will react to that and in response i will just blow up even further and things go downhill. but what upsets me is that after he cant just talk about it like a normal person, he completely pulls a 360 and blames it on me, refuses to listen and uses my lashing out and previous behaviour (while i was in those extreme situations) as reasons for why we cant be together. the biggest joke might have been when he told me he needed someone to 'calm him down' but he doesnt wanna be calmed down.

 

i just dont know what to do. we can have those big fights and i know he hates them as much as i do, but we can almost never get over them. we always find a way back to each other but always on a happy note never mentioning the fights really or in a light way and then we stay happy like that until something truly bad happens like it has where he ended up locking me into his bathroom and i threw an ashtray at him.

 

i dont think either one of us wants to have this immature childish relationship. i love him so so so so much and if i could be just happy with him i would but i dont know why thats not been possible.. or it has but like i said before everytime we are the most close, something dramatic happens for him to pull away.

 

sorry about the essay, i just dont know how to move on from this. i dont want to have to leave him but its so hard because at the same time i know he cant give me what i need not right now anyway..

[flow15]

Wow... i really do think we have the same ex after reading this lol! The behaviour, the fighting, the alcohol/drugs, parents, artist lifestyle... all the same!

 

I think, as difficult as it is for you, you have to move on from this. Its not healthy, and it will never get better unless he improves his lifestyle...which I think will take at least a few years. You cant make him change, he has to realise and do it himself.. And it will take time. If you carry on, it will just continue to spiral out of control... You need to move on and cut contact for now, if its meant to be in the future it will be... But right now you are harming yourself and you need to walk away

[likeagunshot]

flow - it would scare me if we did - it means he's been living a double life!

 

I think from reading your posts, you know what youre talking about. I can see that it ****ed with your head that its ****ed with my head.. I just wanna shake him though like why cant he see what he is doing to me and if he wants me gone then why wont HE himself stay gone..

 

My friend once said its like he knows he has no willpower given the nature of his personality and thats why the only reason any one of us will ever move on or be able to have a shot at a real relationship is if i now walk away. not forever necessarily but for now. And for a good amount of time

 

it just gets to these moments when i miss him TOO much. like i can sleep and wake up and just dial his number before even realizing what im doing and then when i realize i immediately hang up. hes not just in my heart hes under my skin and thats what makes it so hard to shake him

 

most days i feel fine but theres always an undercurrent feeling of 'what if i never get over him' although saying that i know its completely unreasonable to think like that in your 20s.

 

I texted him for example saying i love him for him but i wont continue to text him forever and that i deserve someone better and of course he did not reply to this.

 

then last night i texted him because i ran into someone he knew and he RANG ME UP about it. THAT was the reason he called me. but couldnt he just have texted... i didnt pick up the first time then sent him a text 'did u call' and he called back again. its so meaningless. all of his little... whatever. they dont mean anything so i dont know why he does it.

 

i cant completely move on like this

[flow15]

I know exactly what you are going through... believe me... it happened to me 2 years ago, and it took me 1 year to shake him off... he would keep coming back and I was too weak and let him back in, but a year ago I finally walked away for good.

 

And it took me about a year to be ok with it... i know it sounds crazy, but these things take time... he would be in my thoughts every waking day, i would have strong urges to contact him but i stopped myself, oh how hard it was... I cried myself to sleep countless nights... I completely lost my dignity, my mind... I thought he was the ONE, and i thought i am never going to get over him.. truth is, even to this day i don't know if i am... but i know i am stronger now, I don't need him, I don't get upset, I don't cry, I don't think about him as much, I know deep down he is not good for me.. and I know deep down one day I will meet the right MAN for me (I say man because my ex and your ex are BOYS not men.)

 

So I know it seems impossible to walk away, but you can do it.... you love him more than you love yourself (I did too).. you need to learn to put yourself first, to take him of the pedestal, and walk away and put your needs first. It will hurt, and you will want to run back to him, but you have to be strong for your own sake... cos you will never get out of this vicious cycle otherwise

[likeagunshot]

i think i can find a way to move on.

but i dont know how to feel better about myself.

 

i just had a breakdown and it hurt in my whole body not because i cant see what a 'bad' person he is but because i CANT understand that he made me feel so cheap and used. Especially since being WITH him always made me feel loved and secure.

 

I accepted things and adopted a behaviour that meant compromising parts of my self respect and i can never get that back and it kills me. It kills me that I let him turn me into this weak pathetic mess when its NOT who i am. Im still strong and me but i can feel where the toxic of him and our relationship got into my veins and i can see how weakened i am from it.

 

It kills me that I let him do this to me. And it kills me that it was for NOTHING. all the pain and the hurt it was for nothing. he messed with my head because of his own incapability to figure out what the **** is wrong with HIS OWN HEAD and now HES the one that gets to walk away and im the one being left having to pick up the pieces of whats me and slowly put myself back together.

 

Im shaking of anger because every fiber in my body is dying to be justified, all the times where I've let him control me when I shouldn't keep playing in my head and my pride feels so damaged, I feel so damaged. I gave him so much, and I was always there for him and It was my first time loving someone unconditionally and I thought it was right because of it but it wasnt

 

Loving unconditionally like this is painful and i dont know how to get over feeling so cheap and used and worthless. i know i am not. but the words WONT SINK IN truly.

[flow15]

I am so sorry, I know how you feel believe me... I read the words you write and I feel like they are coming from my own mouth.

 

Before I met my ex I was strong, secure and would NEVER let a guy treat me like I deserved any less than I did... But when he came along, I fell for him hard, I thought he was the one and I loved him unconditionally too, no matter what he did... I kept telling myself, he's just messed up in the head, he will grow up and we will be fine, but he never did! And my head just got messed up as much as his, I felt used, I lost my self-esteem, I became an insecure, desperate mess.. My sole purpose in life, was to work on things with him hoping, praying that he would come round and want a real relationship with me. It never happened and it was for nothing.

 

All you can do is walk away, and be strong and time will heal, and you will feel better about yourself with time. I'm a different person to the person I was when I was with him, I found ME again... albeit with a broken heart... But I learnt that I will never let anyone have that control over me again, and you will too.

[likeagunshot]

thank you flow it seriously helps knowing someone was in the same boat or is..

 

i think the hardest part will be to forget, and maybe you never do but to accept that something you believed for so long is NEVER going to happen, delete his nr from your phone book and get accustomed to a life without him.

never again look at the pictures, never revisit the memories that made you smile, try and forget the connotation between him and all of your favorite songs and places.

 

its weird because this thing has shook me more than any other relationship and ive had way longer ones. i guess i really have to believe that he will never change but even when i write that i dont know if i believe that. i am however sure that I cant change him and if hes going to improve himself its a long road to go and it needs to be done for himself..

 

i have to find a way to make peace with myself and rid him from my life.

but what do you do when they call?

 

we've never lasted longer than 3 weeks without one of us giving in and calling the other. nothing good comes from it and everytime he calls after some time i always remind him that he cant call me and he gets offended like 'no but please' and starts pleading with me to come see him.

 

it is absolutely so ****ed how i can even think in this hopeful way that one day he will come around or just realize that the times with me which HE claimed were the only true ones hes ever experienced and he wouldnt lie about something like that, were REAL. i think sometimes he just doesnt know love and hes never experienced real love and he cant recognize it when its here in front of him - maybe we need a long honest talk further down the road but... its weird too because i dont know if i could be that honest with him after all the hurt he's put me through.

 

but theres also a reason why its never worked i guess. sigh.

[flow15]

If he calls its up to you what you want to do, but if you want to move on, I would tell him that you want him to leave you alone and not call you. I did the same and my ex didn't call me. Sure it killed me that I had to ask him to do that, and that he never called me again... But deep down I know it was for the best... what was better? Cutting him out of my life, knowing I would never experience those amazing moments I had with him again, or putting myself through hell again not knowing what was going on with us, arguing, going round in circles.... In the long run, you will see you will feel better once you cut him out of your life. Its really tough and takes a lot of will power at first, but months down the line you will start to see how much stronger you are becoming again.

 

My ex used to tell me the same things, that he never experienced this with any one else, that it was so real and amazing, and something so rare... but if it was.. why did he keep walking away, why did he never come back for me? Something to think about... you can't believe what they tell you... who knows if there is someone else he is interested in? He is still so young at 23... he has yet a lot to experience, he isn't mature yet...

 

I know what you mean about being in other relationships that were for longer but this one was the most intense.. It got me thinking, you know your ex said 'you're not in love with me, you only want me cos you can't have me' I think its true in a way, we think we are so in love... but maybe we are just obsessed... its true that us humans want what we can't have... maybe deep down we know we will never have the relationships we want with our ex's, so it makes us want them even more and obsess about it even more.. Do you know what I mean?

 

And I have to ask - is your ex from France as well? If so, then we don't have the same ex lol!

 

And about having the open honest talk with him? I never got the chance to do that, perhaps that is why I don't have full closure on the situation, I wish I could tell him exactly what he put me through, exactly how I feel and how unfair it was... But all I think is that it would give him a huge ego and that he won't care, what do you think?

[likeagunshot]

Yeah he's also from France haha so im happy to hear we dont have the same ex. but its so nice (not nice maybe but you know) to get advice from someone who knows exactly what im going through and not your typical standard generalized post break up bull****.

 

I think it always helps to get closure, i mean ideally you should get closure on your own and what he thinks of you shouldnt be any of your concern. but i know what you mean. could you write him a letter? although i too would prefer to tell him face to face, when i muster up the courage!! i think you should tell him, you know you are moving on and youre over it, i think for YOU, not him, you should meet him and just pour your heart out or be like, ok this and this happened, you did this, i felt like that, the end. just be straight to the point but make it known that he cant behave like that, its not natural, its not respectful and if not for you then he should change his ways for the future, for himself, his friends and family and for whoever will end up marrying him. IF ANYONE! maybe he will take your honesty better than you think. i always feel that i was never truly honest face to face with my ex, i could write him letters and tell him he has hurt me so much and i need to move on blabla but if i saw him again id be all smiles and sunshine. i almost dont blame him for not taking me more seriously because i think some of my behaviour must have been pretty inconsistent too.

 

the only time i told him i loved him was post break up and in a mail. if you think about it, why couldnt i have told him face to face? i urge you to have a talk face to face because you need to look him in the eyes and see if the love that was will at least make him understand how he hurt you. and maybe it will help you if he apologies in person. my ex told me he was sorry in a text msg but really, that sorry meant about zero to me.

 

of course i dont know for your ex but when we had the talk where my ex told me he feels like with me he for the first time in his life has a true girlfriend (hes only ever had one before me and she messed him up pretty good which i will always resent her for because she had him at his most innocent stage and at the time he was still fragile and naive about love and she killed him and his idea of a loving relationship) anyway in this same talk he also said that he cant be in a relationship right now, he told me if i saw all of his bad sides i wouldnt still love him and that he knew i wouldnt put up with it.

 

i dont know if its worth arguing with him about this. i know what you mean with being obsessed, it is definately human nature but not with my ex. i want him because i love him and because despite the very bad times he made me extremely happy. (this is pretty much the exact text i sent him a week ago)

 

i dont think hes mature to have a relationship right now and im so torn between letting him go completely and stick it out and try and fight for it. i know he can be such a great man. i just dont know why he doesnt want to be.

Edited August 11, 2013 by likeagunshot

[flow15]

The problem with me is that we now live in different countries, and so its impossible to see him. I actually bumped into him out of pure coincidence last week after a year, but I couldn't bring up the relationship as it had been over a year since we cut contact. We only spoke briefly about what we are up to now and thats it, and he was actually really off with me, and when I bumped into him again after talking to him he didn't even acknowledge me. So if I'm going to say anything to him, it will have to be by email, but I think too much time has passed now. He will probably think I am crazy for still feeling this way! At the end of the day, it is all about respect. He didn't behave respectful towards me, or towards our relationship.

 

Its so funny, because before me my ex also had a girlfriend who cheated on him and broke his heart.. which I think was when he was so naive and so when he met me he didn't think he could really love and perhaps took my love for him for granted. I too blamed what his ex did to him for the way he behaves now. Now he's a player, and he's been with countless girls that mean nothing to him...When I was with him he told me that being with lots of girls meant nothing to him, he would rather be with me and be in love than have that... but the tables have turned... i guess being in love and in a relationship wiht me scared the hell out of him, and hes run off to be a player now.

 

My ex too can be such a great man, but he's not ready yet for that, he doesn't want to be... I think it scares him, and he needs his freedom... We just have to let them grow up a bit, and perhaps in the future things will work out, I don't know.

 

He told you he can't be in a relationship right now, you have to listen to him.. If you fight for him, you are fighting a losing battle, and you will waste too much of your energy..

[likeagunshot]

how long has it actually been since you and your ex said your final goodbye and how did that end?? you never thought about writing him a letter before this?

 

i've emailed my ex twice since we broke up not too long emails, just saying i deserve to move on and if i keep hearing from him i wont be able to, and the other email was just a picture of us from last summer.

 

what puzzles me more is that after our break up he took too much drugs or whatever (i HATE that he still uses) and he called me so weak and begging me to come over. and of course i questioned him about it but he was so weak and fragile i couldnt resist going, he sounded really hurt and i cant bear if he actually was that ill and i didnt go. so i went. and he said i was the first person he thought to call when he felt that way. but what pisses me off is why cant he see what that means or why cant he reflect upon that?

 

and theres been multiple times like this. i just dont get it.

 

its like the signs of love is there and he is just choosing to avert his eyes from it. i dont know?

[flow15]

It was over a year ago now, and we met up one weekend to 'try again' as we were really missing eachother and obviously still had strong feelings for one another.. but my way of trying again was to talk everything through and understand where we went wrong, but he hates to talk things through... he just wanted to go back to normal, but i was still hurting from the last time he had walked away from me. I then started to feel used, and insecure... he got annoyed, we argued... then he said he couldn't do this anymore.. i got upset as i felt like he hadn't even tried, and so i told him not to contact me anymore that that was it!

 

I wanted to contact him after this numerous times, and pour my heart out, and tell him how much he had hurt me... but I had done it all before, after the other times he had walked away from me, so I thought.. what good is it going to do? Thing is a few months after this happened we actually bumped into eachother one night when we were drunk and ended up making out, he then told me to go back home with him. I obviously refused to as I thought, we are just going to end up having a one night stand. But after this happened I thought he was still interested in me as he kissed me and wanted to spend the night with me, so I kept trying to talk to him but he kept avoiding me saying he was 'busy', and so I cut all contact... And we haven't seen eachother or spoken since 2 weeks ago, when he randomly messaged me happy birthday, and then 2 days after that I randomly bumped into him. We had a brief catch up as I explained already, but he was off with me.

 

So as you can see things ended very up in the air, we had no discussion about things... and still haven't. I have a lot to get off my chest, but as so much time has passed now, I feel like its too late?

 

Regarding your ex, I'm sure he has strong feelings for you, and he probably does love you but what he's feeling is that he's torn between his love for you and his freedom. That was the same issue with my ex. In the end, his freedom won because that was more important to him.

[likeagunshot]

its been a whole year, what would happen if you picked things up from where you left off? and maybe it's not bad to go back to 'normal' if that's how he wants but you can try and ease into things and tell him how you feel without it turning into an argument. (IF you still love him) I don't know. For me it doesn't make sense to have someone in your life that you love so much and NOT be with them.

 

I am more than convinced that he knows the hurt he's caused you and i think he's not ready to own up to it and that's why he's being evasive each time you bring it up. but you said also you HAVE said it all before all the other times he's walked away from you so the issue of him knowing the pain he's caused you it's for sure that he DOES.

 

would you ever get back with him/fight for him again? if you knew it could lead to something stable.

 

i think i've just had a lot of time to reflect since i started this thread and my conclusion is just that i'm too old to be spending time playing children's games. if he comes back full force and wants to be with me he has to prove it but i can't keep wasting my time staying in a dead end relationship which is what it is now. (or was)

 

i'm so confused as to why he called like that, if he only wanted to know something he could have just texted. ill see if he calls again and what happens but i guess in my heart and mind i should be already moving on.

 

i will keep missing him because he's my favorite person to be with and talk to and i'm scared to death he'll move on and find someone else. maybe i'll get drunk one night and just pour my heart out, but for now i just need need NEED to try and pretend that he's not part of my life.

[flow15]

i think i've just had a lot of time to reflect since i started this thread and my conclusion is just that i'm too old to be spending time playing children's games. if he comes back full force and wants to be with me he has to prove it but i can't keep wasting my time staying in a dead end relationship which is what it is now. (or was)

 

THIS....and THIS....

 

i will keep missing him because he's my favorite person to be with and talk to and i'm scared to death he'll move on and find someone else. maybe i'll get drunk one night and just pour my heart out, but for now i just need need NEED to try and pretend that he's not part of my life.

 

THIS is exactly what I thought when I decided to walk away from him! And exactly what I felt!! Its funny how we have gone through exactly the same thing, we are the same age (ex's same age also) and have come to the same conclusion!

 

I mean if he decided he wanted to come back to me, as crazy as it sounds after everything he put me through.. I would consider take him back... because I understand, in a weird way, why he did what he did. I mean I wouldn't take him back easily, I'd make him fight for me, and test him to see if his feelings are real and if he really wanted a serious relationship with me. And also if at that point I'm not with anyone else, and still have feelings for him.

If we were to try again now, I guess I could start afresh....Just because a whole year has passed, I'm not hurting any more. I am just hurting right now because he ignored me last week - but that's a different story.

 

All the other times we tried again, it never worked because I was still hurting from the other times he had left me and not enough time had passed for me to get over it before we tried again. That's why it never worked, not only that but also because he wasn't ready. I could see that.

 

After seeing him last week, I can see he's not ready now either.

 

But I kind of wish I could just tell him I was disappointed he couldn't be happier to see me last week, or have any respect towards our relationship. And then go NC again. But I'm scared it will give him an ego rub, and perhaps push him away even further than he already is - if that is at all possible

Edited August 12, 2013 by flow15