I dont love my wife but want to create that feeling... is it possible

[Newgenguy]

Hi ...

 

I want to share my problem that ... I dont love my wife . In fact I have never loved her. Ours was an arranged marriage and she was not at all like which I had expected.

 

Still I have been trying and compromising in everything from my side.

Its now 4.5 yrs marraige .

 

And I have a son 3.5 yrs old whom I love a lot.

In fact he is the one I love the most in the world. He is my life and is very close to me as well.

 

My wife is not having the qualities that I had expected and so I have never been attracted towards her with true feelings.

Few things I have told her to change in her , but she has not done efforts from her side till now . Inspite of my saying repeatedly, she does not work in that direction. Now I feel like she cant change . And even if she changes , I am not sure whether I will have that feeling for her as till now I have not loved her though taken care of everything she needed(but thats not love)

 

What to do ... Will I live like this my entire life....???

 

 

Now a days, I am getting attracted towards my fellow worker. She is having the qualities that I had expected in my wife. She is also attracted towards me and we both have expressed our feelings also to each other .

But she is also married and I know I have no future with her as it will destroy two families which I dont want at all. In fact we both know.. it is not possible and so we have not committed anything also.

 

I told this just to mention that due to lack of love for my wife, such feelings are being developed for other girls (matching to my frequency).

 

Such feelings I wanted to have for my wife.

 

Can those love feelings be created in some one or I need to live compromising the whole life(which I dont want at all).

 

Please help...

Edited August 9, 2013 by Newgenguy

[DaisyLeigh1967]

So she has to change for you to love her.

 

Interesting.

 

Divorce her and go marry the coworker. See if the grass is greener on the other side. I will bet it is not. Your wife deserves someone who loves her.

[Newgenguy]

The reply so far seem to be bit rude... How can u be so sure that the grass is not greener on the other side. I am having the feelings for her and she also understands me . Since last 1 year .. we have been working together.

 

But actually , that is not the topic of concern as I am not thinking in that direction .

What I wanted to know is the way how one should feel attracted towards his wife. Its not that I dont care for her. I do care. I try to fulfil every wish of her .. but that I do as my responsiblity.

 

May be some one can understand my view....

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Like I said, leave and be with the other woman.

[happyandsad]

Have you ever asked yourself what does she feels with that set up?

Maybe she feels the same way. She doesn't love you but think that you both needed to live with what you've sworn when you get into marriage. Maybe she isn't happy too. Did you talk to her?

And please get over that "she was never the person I expected or wanted" because I think most of the married couple somehow has said the same,

You can teach yourself to love her by looking at everything good about her and just being herself and NOT what you expect her to be.

4.5yrs is long. if you made to live that long in the same house, there's a possibility you'll fall for her, just STOP looking for "your expectation and wants".

And stop making excuses, if things doesn't work then let her go.

Life is too short to waste. She deserve to be happy much as you do.

[Zahara]

I'm assuming you are of a certain culture seeing you had an arranged marriage. In that sense, I am sure divorce is frowned upon and now that you have a child, I would think that your situation is one you probably have to bear.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you in that when you agreed to an arranged marriage, the risk of you loving your wife versus not was evident.

 

But if you choose to venture into infidelity land with this co-worker, you're better off suffering the aftermath of getting a divorce versus getting caught cheating.

[PlumPrincess]

You need to stop picking on him. It was an arranged marriage and he didn't have a say when they chose his wife. And he is trying to have feelings for her.

 

Talk to your wife first. And when you can't resolve your issues together maybe you can get a divorce.

[serial muse]

My wife is not having the qualities that I had expected and so I have never been attracted towards her with true feelings.

Few things I have told her to change in her , but she has not done efforts from her side till now . Inspite of my saying repeatedly, she does not work in that direction. Now I feel like she cant change . And even if she changes , I am not sure whether I will have that feeling for her as till now I have not loved her though taken care of everything she needed(but thats not love)

 

What to do ... Will I live like this my entire life....???

 

If you are determined to stay in the marriage, for cultural/religious reasons, then I think you probably need to change your own approach. You say here that you've told your wife what you want her to change about herself, and that she hasn't done it.

 

Well, that's pretty one-sided, and could be making her feel like you think everything's on her. Do you? Do you feel like she's the one who has to make fundamental changes in her personality/character/looks (you didn't specify where the problems are) to make this work?

 

What's your willingness to change here? Have you talked with her about what would make her happier in the relationship? What would she like you to do differently?

 

Are you able to catalog her good qualities as easily as her faults? Have you done this? Do you repeat them to yourself as often as you repeat her failings?

 

These are the sorts of things you can try to begin to reassess your current relationship.

[CarrieT]

You have told us that you need your wife to change in order for you to love her.

 

And - sadly - it will never, ever happen... She will not be able to change in a way that will ever make you happy nor will you ever love her the way you want either.

 

If you must stay in the marriage because it is arranged and expected of you, then the best thing you can do is to find those things in your wife that you DO appreciate - maybe in ways that she treats your son?

 

Revel and build up those small, little things and go beyond appreciating those aspects of her. As you do that, you will learn more things about her that are worth appreciating and are commendable. Shortly, you will LOVE those things you have pin-pointed that you at once appreciated.

 

It is a slow process, but has worked for many arranged marriages. Build on the small and don't focus on those things you wish you could change and probably can't...