Ex boyfriend to Friend to Polyamorous?!

[JengleBells83]

Long story short, i was very good friends with this guy for years...then he chased me relentlessly and we started dating for 3 months. It ended bad and we didn't communicate for about a year. We started talking again in December and its definitely had its ups and downs. We've slept together on numerous occasions and back in march he said he was trying to figure out if we could make this work again. Well it didn't and he told me it was because I am too good for him and too good for his BS and he wants to see me be happy. So we continued on as friends..no sex.

 

He claimed he isn't interested in sex or any type of relationship with anyone so we agreed to be friends. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago when we went to a concert together (i should also mention that he lives 2 hours away from me and at that point I hadnt seen him in like 2 months.)..and we had a GREAT time. I mean an awesome time. He held my hand he kissed me we sang love duets and the whole night he just kept saying 'I'm so glad we are friends whenever we try to get romantic it doesnt work'. We didnt sleep together then. So right after the concert - he kind of did this disappearing act thing for about a week and a half..I asked what was going on and he was just like "Ive had a bad week and have done a lot of reflecting' etc.

 

Then we started talking again. We hung out 2 days in a row the other day - and he told me that he is polyamorous and that he is in love with me..but he is in love with other people too..and has repeated over and over that he doesnt want to get married or have kids and he is just not cut out for relationships. I know he slept with this other girl last week too..that he claims is also someone he wants in his life. We slept together (dumb) and he kissed me and cuddled with me..etc. we had a great time. He keeps thinking that he is schizophrenic or bipolar or something..but really I'm just trying to figure out what all this means.

 

I feel like my head is spinning. I want to be friends with him..but when we hang out..something intimate always happens..and if all that time he said he just wants to be friends with me...why is he telling me now that he is in love with me and telling me about his polyamorous lifestyle?! Any insight would be appreciated...

Edited August 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr.Mango]

He's a male, poly amorous and in love with you, couldn't be more clear.

 

If that works for you, cool. If not, eh. Though to be honest, you are allowing him to get intimate with you. Nothing stopping you from just being friends. So I'd say you're at least attracted to him, or maybe even fancy him. You'll have to address that for yourself before you can start making decisions of where to go with this guy.

 

Count yourself lucky for having this guy spell it out to you. Most guys aren't this upfront.

[FitChick]

There is nothing stopping you from dating other guys while you date him and he dates other women. He doesn't want a committed relationship now. If you do, find someone better.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's pretty simple and straight-forward...although he wants to be with you, he also wants to be with other women and also has very strong feelings for multiple women at a time.

 

He's upfront because he's forced to explain his erratic behavior and try to make some sense of this to you...of why one day he can be all over you and pretending to be your friend, and then the next intimate with you and telling you all these romantic lovey dovey things because you have an amazing time together and all of that.

 

You can tell that he's going through some inner-battles and quarrels within himself, I'm sure he feels disappointed at the fact that he can't just focus on one relationship at a time but at the same time that's not going to give him everything he wants/needs, but he's trying to work on his issues alone which is why he mainly fails and continues to go into a cycle and recommit the same behavior...when people are overwhelmed by their own issues they ride a roller-coaster that goes in circles in their own personal lives, dragging whomever is on it along for the ride...a lot of women refer to these as "up and downs" but it's really this guys issue that keep him in his own cycle...its your own emotions and beliefs that keep you involved in this, partly because you don't really understand it and get it and on the other hand still feel like there's something genuine about it, but the fact that he's clearly unavailable and you still engage even under the guise of "friendship" shows that there is something deeper and more magnetic of why a relationship like that would be appealing to you...so you have your own issues basically.

 

Just like before...a relationship would end in a disaster, anything but this hot and cold situation where he's free and able to do what he wants and needs wouldn't work out...part of the grab for him is being in the position he is now, this kind of conflict or drama that you're experiencing together is something that he is addicted to...he feels at home in that grey area. The guy only wants what he can't have and what is not completely available, the fact that he still is able to turn on the charm and get you to be romantic with him is a big part of that motivation, It's why he chased you so hard in the initial stages...as honest as he may appear with you, he's not completely transparent and honest about everything, only when it comes to explain/justify his behavior, because he knows it's not going to make sense so it's easier to call himself crazy/dysfunctional that way you won't hold him accountable for his actions. But the more pulled along in this you are, the more that helps his cause.

 

This guy already has you manipulated and convinced of his emotions due to what you experience together...once you realize things are never going to change and there's really no substance/value to it because he doesn't ultimately feel and see things the same way that you do, you'll realize that this is just a never ending cycle with no result...although that might take years.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas