My long story, do i still have a chance?

[robsa]

this is the first time i do something like this but i just need to tell it all and get some objective opinions.

 

i met my now ex boyfriend in high school, i'm italian and he is german and we were both in boarding school for 1 year together. this was 11 years ago and now we are 28 years old. the moment we met we had a crush on each other but things did not proceed as planned and even though he tried to be with me it never happened, we became friends and i knew that i should like and want to be with him but there was something missing. then i left to go to another school and in the next 7 years we had little to no contact and saw each other once for a night.

 

In 2009 we got back in touch out of the blue, we had not corresponded at all in over 4 years and we totally reconnected. We were both going through a rough patch after break ups and getting back in touch was liberating, I was living in London and he was in Berlin at this point. His interest for me was once again clear and we would skype regularly talking about everything and anything and flirting. he then came to visit me and although we had a great great time we both realised there was still something missing between us so we stayed friends. By this point he started calling me his Holy Grail, may be i was a goal or an illusion i'm not sure. we both went on with our lives staying in touch as much as possible as i started travelling for work, and he was travelling for pleasure during the next 1.5 years. In 2011 i decided to go see him in India for a holiday because i needed some quality time with a good friend and that is when it all started, it was natural but we tried to resist it because of the friendship and because we both thought it might not be the best timing, we were both starting careers and would not be able to be physically together and we did not want long distance.

 

leaving him behind in india after a month was not easy but the plan was to stay friends, however in the following months we were acting more like a couple, staying in touch as much as possible through Skype and phone. I fell in love with him and i knew there was no turning back, however in the 6 months that followed he was having some doubts as per the long distance and how out future would look, i always believed that we could make anything happen. we saw each other again after six months and i met his family he met mine and we managed to spend about a month together. At this point he made our relationship official because anything else was confusing and because we were madly in love.

 

I threw myself fully in this relationship without hesitation because we both knew this was serious, we knew each other very well and there was so much love, also for me knowing that he had wanted to be with me for so long was a security. We both moved to india, but still very far from each other. I was working in the north and he was starting up the business in the south. we would talk everyday on phone and skype and we would see each other approx every 6 weeks. things were good but during this time he has moments of insecurity and tried to break up once because he did not see a future because of my career and the distance. Also we would have fights because i needed to talk to him very regularily and he did not have the same need, or because i would worry about thing before there was the need to in his opinion. He asked me to go live with him for 6 months to see how it would be and if it was worth staying together. leaving work for 6 months seemed too long for me and also i saw it as if he was testing me. I believed that if we truly wanted to be together living together would not be an issue. in any case we stayed together and things were good. in october 2011 i left india because i got sick and i was home in italy for a few months before going to be with him for 3 months in india. this was a stressful time not only because of my illness but also because i'm never really at home and when i'm i have no social life essentially so i was more of a burden to him while he was busy, this caused us to fight and one or two times while on skype he tried to tell me he could not deal with it anymore and that it was over, but we would talk about it and things would be fine. Also ever since we started "dating" we always talked about future wedding kids etc, and i was of the impression we wanted the same things but he wanted to live together first but also he wanted to have his business going. Before living together he said something along the line "come live with him and we see how it goes and then we probably will get engaged or it will be over", this scared me as it made me really feel as if it was a test but i thought things would be fine because we had so much love for each other and also we knew each other well.

 

I finally went to be with him in jan 2011, india is not an easy place especially when you are in a smaller costal town with not many expats, i thought things were going well but i started feeling insecure. also we would get in fights because of stupid things like me wanting him to stay home or spend more time with me, or because i could not get my way with certain things, he would try to make me happy but would not talk to me about how he was feeling, and i thought they were small details. in any case while i was there after a couple of months he broke up with me, but i managed to reason with him so i stayed another month and we both thoughts things were improving.

 

I came back to Italy in May and was waiting to hear when he would come back so we could have a holiday in Europe together, and while waiting i started getting really worried he would not make it (he was waiting for an inspection and official papers and we had not idea if and when it would happen), also because i was waiting to hear about jobs and time could have been limited. We got in many fights were i would take my anger caused by the situation out on him. But he managed to come after 2 weeks and we had 5 weeks together in europe mostly with hims family and friends.

 

As you can imagine it was a very busy time travelling around over 4 countries meeting his friends and family, and it was at times stressful for me. Also was stressful because his family wanted to have time with him and i felt like i was in the way, or i was the reason why they could not. In any case we had some fights and i had a few freak outs which did not make him very happy. When we parted things were fine, we agreed to see each other in sept in canada and i was waiting for a visa to go back to india for work for 2 months in the meant time.

 

waiting for a visa is quite stressful (and a long process) and i was once again back home and bored and he was back in india bored and with lots of time, we would talk everyday but we did not have much to say and convos would drag on because i wanted to talk to him. then mid july i got the news that i did not get the visa and i was devastated as i was looking forward to go back to work. I suggested trying to get a tourist visa to go be with him but he said it was not a good idea first because i might be flagged by the embassy but then he also said because he had lots of work to do and he would not be able to spend time with me like i wanted to. this was difficult to hear and i replied by saying that it was strange that he would not want to see me when he had the chance to. The next day during our daily conversation he broke up with me.

 

 

I was devastated, i knew we were going through a rocky patch but i tought we would get through it. I saw all the experiences of the past months as an opportunity for us to learn more about each other and how to modify certain things to be better together but instead he gave up saying that even though it was very hard because he still loved me and still had very strong feelings he thought we were not compatible and had no future together, and we did not want the same things.

 

for the first week i tried to contact him in every possible way almost every day, we talked a few times on Skype and i was throwing myself at him in any ways, begging him and trying to convince him to give us a second chance or to take some time and meet up again but nothing....he called me once after 10 days had passed from the break up and then we talked one more time. I initiated all the conversations except for one. I did not know what to think, he kept saying it was for the best but he was also telling me that he still had strong feelings and he was suffering and having a very hard time, and he had very little hope we could ever be together again, but at one point he said he wanted to see me in sept but with no promises.

 

we had no contact for one week and i was going crazy and i dropped him a very stupid message, to which he replied in a very distant and cold way pretty much saying that i needed to get over it. There has been no contact since then (now 2 days). I'm scared i blew my chance of seeing him in september in canada or that i have lost him forever but i have hope and i still love him so much. I can't lose him....

 

what do you all think? do i have any chance? i know i need to give him space and get on with my life.

[Zahara]

The guy is not interested. He's telling you and you're still asking if you have a chance?

[robsa]

but he still wants to go back to being friends like we used to be, i don't want only friendship even though i do still want him in my life....

 

and why would he suggest meeting up?

[Zahara]

You're focusing on every other useless detail instead of focusing on what he's telling you:

 

1. He doesn't see a future with you.

2. He doesn't think you both are compatible

3. Avoided seeing you.

4. HE BROKE UP WITH YOU.

5. He said you both don't want the same things.

6. Told you to get over it.

 

He probably said he wanted to see you because he couldn't stand the guilt he had to face with you begging and badgering him to reconsider things with you. Exes ask to be friends to relieve guilt and to sometimes place you in the backburner incase they need you to fall back on.

[robsa]

anyone else?

 

i think posting might have been a mistake as it is difficult to explain everything! and explain the whole situation!

[Heysimon]

As long as you both are alive , obviously you will have a chance... whether or not you will want to take that chance should it arise is another thing... You could be happily married to the spouse of your dreams with three kids by then... but hey at least you didnt wait around on a maybe....

[robsa]

I think i had to hit bottom again when i thought i was doing much better to realise that it is best not to have hope! he will always try to keep his options open because he is thinking about himself..and i should think about myself...i hope this thought will still stand by the time i wake up tomorrow morning! I wish i could wake up and be happy again! happy without him!