Issues with Ex/Child's Father

[mercuryshadow]

My son's father and I have joint custody, and I am the primary custodial parent. During the summer, due to vacations and things, we amicably agreed to a varied schedule than that of during the school year. I agreed to let him stay at his dad's for M-F this week because his little cousin is visiting from many states away. I was supposed to get my son back on Saturday. However, I got notice from my ex that he'd like him to stay until Sunday because his little cousin won't be leaving until then. I agreed. Fast forward to today. I tell his dad that I'll be picking him up on Sunday at a time that works for both of us. He then tells me that he's sorry, but the cousin's flight is not until late Sunday night and our son is going with them to the airport to see her off.

 

I became upset, and told him I hadn't agreed to this. It was originally agreed that I'd have him for the weekend. He was to go back to his dad's for the following week (M-F), and I'd have him back for the weekend (as I mentioned, we had a varied summer schedule.)

 

During this conversation, I told him that this was not our agreement and that I need to see my son (and vice-versa), and that he doesn't need to be at the airport until 9:30pm. He then told me I was "selfish", and that I didn't need to "be attached to our son every minute". I have not seen him since this past Sunday, so I hardly see how going for a week without seeing him is "being attached every minute." I call him every day to speak to him, but I must add that oftentimes, I cannot reach him on his father's phone.

 

Additional info: Our son is 9. I am the sole parent who takes care of school things, buys his wardrobe, throws his birthday parties, pays his bills, handles his medical coverage, dental coverage, etc. I agreed to a reduced rate of CS (something agreed upon outside of court) because he claimed he was having trouble make ends meet. He gives me a mere $150 a month. We have been to court 3 times since our son was 1 y.o. He demands joint custody, yet quite honestly does not do anything as a "parent". He still ditches our son during his weekends with him to go out drinking with his gf (and he's 32 - leaves him with grandma to babysit).

 

This conversation ended with his father telling me: "I'm very disappointed to see that you haven't grown up in all these years." It's the furthest thing from the truth. I did not once insult him or do any name calling, I simply stated that we had agreed that Sunday was the day I'd have him back, and that I was not going to go for an additional week without seeing him. I am honestly very close to going back to court.

 

Is this worth fighting? For anyone with knowledge of these sorts of things, am I within my rights to say that this in not acceptable? I have, for many years, done my best to remain cordial and peaceful so as to avoid conflicts such as these. I have compromised and sacrificed a great deal. I rarely (and by rarely, I mean never) object to compromise... I knew that by standing my ground over this matter, I would be met with this kind of battle to ensue. My ex simply, as I see it, wants things to be his way, or the highway.

 

Any advice? Am I overreacting in this instance?

Edited August 9, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Screw that ****. Get a real custody order and child support order. If he can afford to go out drinking, he can afford child support.

[Janesays]

Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I'd let this one go.

 

Your son will probably think it's a great adventure to see his little cousin (Who I'm guessing he probably barely ever sees) off at the airport. I think this could be a very happy memory for your kid and not worth spoiling so you can get him a couple of hours earlier and make a 'point' to your ex.

 

I know you miss him, but instead of fighting it out with your ex, why not ask your kid what HE would like to do?

 

The child support and drinking with the girlfriend are separate issues that you are using to 'justify' spoiling your son's weekend and time with his cousin. If you are unhappy about those arrangements, you need to worth those out a different time.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I'd let this one go.

 

Your son will probably think it's a great adventure to see his little cousin (Who I'm guessing he probably barely ever sees) off at the airport. I think this could be a very happy memory for your kid and not worth spoiling so you can get him a couple of hours earlier and make a 'point' to your ex.

 

I know you miss him, but instead of fighting it out with your ex, why not ask your kid what HE would like to do?

 

The child support and drinking with the girlfriend are separate issues that you are using to 'justify' spoiling your son's weekend and time with his cousin. If you are unhappy about those arrangements, you need to worth those out a different time.

 

I have to agree. My other post still stands, as I think you should have an official child support and custody order in place. But yeah, maybe let this one thing go, then get your ducks in a row so he cannot pull this crap again.

[mercuryshadow]

Screw that ****. Get a real custody order and child support order. If he can afford to go out drinking, he can afford child support.

 

Thank you, Daisy...

 

I have nothing against him having a "life", or doing things for fun but I got over the drinking and partying thing years ago. However, as I sated, he doesn't help with school clothing shopping, dental or medical, etc. The only birthday parties thrown are thrown by me, and of course, I invite his dad to share in the special occasion. Every year. He does not help.

 

Once in a while, he'll somehow splurge on something ridiculously expensive to give our son to win his love. This year, it was an Ipod Touch. (brand new) His dad, btw, always has the newest of everything (latest Iphone, new video games, etc).), and tells me he cannot make ends meet.

 

I have been accommodating and agreeable for years in order to avoid conflict, because any disagreement results in attacks and name-calling from him. Today, I reached my limit. The agreement set forth was adjusted, as I had agreed to, so my son could spend more time with his cousin. And then his father acts as if I'm being difficult when he's the one who completely nullifies the agreement by saying that my son cannot even spend Sunday evening with me because he'll be at the airport until 9:30pm. I do not believe this is what my son wants (as his father would like me to believe), so I will speak with my son on the phone tonight to find out.

 

 

[Janesays]

Thank you, Daisy...

 

I have nothing against him having a "life", or doing things for fun but I got over the drinking and partying thing years ago. However, as I sated, he doesn't help with school clothing shopping, dental or medical, etc. The only birthday parties thrown are thrown by me, and of course, I invite his dad to share in the special occasion. Every year. He does not help.

 

Once in a while, he'll somehow splurge on something ridiculously expensive to give our son to win his love. This year, it was an Ipod Touch. (brand new) His dad, btw, always has the newest of everything (latest Iphone, new video games, etc).), and tells me he cannot make ends meet.

 

Again, NONE of this has ANYTHING to do with the issue of your son seeing his cousin off at the airport. If you are unhappy with the arrangement that YOU agreed to, these need to be worked out a different time and NOT 'taken out' on your son (AND HIS COUSIN) by spoiling their time together.

 

I do not believe this is what my son wants (as his father would like me to believe), so I will speak with my son on the phone tonight to find out.

 

 

 

 

I'd bet money your son tells you this is what HE wants. And when he does, I hope you swallow your pride and let him do it. Your anger and issues with his Dad should NOT be taken out on him.

Edited August 9, 2013 by Janesays

[mercuryshadow]

Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I'd let this one go.

 

Your son will probably think it's a great adventure to see his little cousin (Who I'm guessing he probably barely ever sees) off at the airport. I think this could be a very happy memory for your kid and not worth spoiling so you can get him a couple of hours earlier and make a 'point' to your ex.

 

I know you miss him, but instead of fighting it out with your ex, why not ask your kid what HE would like to do?

 

The child support and drinking with the girlfriend are separate issues that you are using to 'justify' spoiling your son's weekend and time with his cousin. If you are unhappy about those arrangements, you need to worth those out a different time.

 

I added the details about the CS and his other behaviors to illustrate the background (relevant, though not directly), not to use them as an excuse to ruin his weekend.

 

I had already made an adjustment to the weekend arrangement which the ex later wanted to completely nullify. Any time with him on Sunday is now completely out of the question. This actually goes against the rules of joint custody. And when I stand my ground on an issue (as rare as it may be on my part) I am attacked, called names, and gas-lighted. He made it seem as if I was 100% unreasonable and at fault, turning it all around on me. Yesterday, I had spoken with my son and told him I'd be seeing him Sunday. I am absolutely sure he was not asked if he'd instead like to see his cousin off on the plane... but I will ask him tonight, to be sure.

[Janesays]

I added the details about the CS and his other behaviors to illustrate the background (relevant, though not directly), not to use them as an excuse to ruin his weekend.

 

I had already made an adjustment to the weekend arrangement which the ex later wanted to completely nullify. Any time with him on Sunday is now completely out of the question. This actually goes against the rules of joint custody. And when I stand my ground on an issue (as rare as it may be on my part) I am attacked, called names, and gas-lighted. He made it seem as if I was 100% unreasonable and at fault, turning it all around on me. Yesterday, I had spoken with my son and told him I'd be seeing him Sunday. I am absolutely sure he was not asked if he'd instead like to see his cousin off on the plane... but I will ask him tonight, to be sure.

 

 

Hey, I'm not disagreeing that your ex sounds like a jerk and this arrangement is sucky and probably incredibly inconvenient for you.

 

But I also urge you to dig deep and understand that, as a parent who is worried about the BEST INTEREST OF YOUR SON, sometimes these 'rules' and issues and your bitterness needs to be set aside so your son can create a happy, irreplaceable memory with his cousin.

 

It's called being the bigger person. Master it and your son will thrive.

[mercuryshadow]

Again, NONE of this has ANYTHING to do with the issue of your son seeing his cousin off at the airport. If you are unhappy with the arrangement that YOU agreed to, these need to be worked out a different time and NOT 'taken out' on your son (AND HIS COUSIN) by spoiling their time together.

 

 

 

 

I'd bet money your son tells you this is what HE wants. And when he does, I hope you swallow your pride and let him do it. Your anger and issues with his Dad should NOT be taken out on him.

 

I have not taken any of this out on my son... that's reaching there, quite a bit. He does not even know of this mess, it's between myself and his father. I don't understand your bias here, but there clearly is one. I provided background information, and further stated that things have been kept peaceful for years (by me, for the sake of my son) so as to avoid conflicts such as these. When I stand my ground, name-calling and attacking ensues. I had done nothing wrong but state the schedule we had agreed to upon our second adjustment of the weekend, and was met with brutal attack.

 

I am not the kind of parent who is content to go for a week without seeing my child. Nor should I have to. I don't need to defend myself there. To my ex, I reiterated the terms of the joint-custody agreement, the basic tenets, which have been grossly twisted and abused over the years by him.

 

I have no problem seceding and seeing my son Monday evening instead if seeing his cousin on her flight is what he truly would like to do. I hope that is understood.

[mercuryshadow]

Hey, I'm not disagreeing that your ex sounds like a jerk and this arrangement is sucky and probably incredibly inconvenient for you.

 

But I also urge you to dig deep and understand that, as a parent who is worried about the BEST INTEREST OF YOUR SON, sometimes these 'rules' and issues and your bitterness needs to be set aside so your son can create a happy, irreplaceable memory with his cousin.

 

It's called being the bigger person. Master it and your son will thrive.

 

 

I completely understand... I guess that after years of trying to be the bigger person, I felt as if I was pushed to my limit today.

[Janesays]

I have not taken any of this out on my son... that's reaching there, quite a bit.

 

If you force your son to come home early to 'prove a point' to your ex, thus spoiling the FUN and EXCITEMENT of seeing his cousin off on a PLANE (Come on! Little boys LOVE planes!), then YES, you are taking it out on your son.

I don't understand your bias here, but there clearly is one.

 

Because I don't agree with you, I'm biased? I don't even HAVE children. But I did have a Mother who used to ruin things for me and my brother in the name of 'proving a point' all the time. And yeah, that sucked. So if it's 'bias' to remember what it's like being a little kid used as a pawn in Mommy's chess board, I guess maybe I am a little biased. And maybe I HATE seeing children treated that way.

 

In short, this is something my Mother would have done. My advice to any and all parents is: DON'T EVER ACT LIKE MY MOTHER.

 

I am not the kind of parent who is content to go for a week without seeing my child. Nor should I have to. I don't need to defend myself there.

 

Then don't. And if I were you, I wouldn't bother asking a forum of people for advice if all you want is to hear your opinion reflected back at you. Go throw a little hissy and ruin your son's weekend if that's what you want. It's no skin off my nose.

 

I have no problem seceding and seeing my son Monday evening instead if seeing his cousin on her flight is what he truly would like to do. I hope that is understood.

 

I truly hope you mean that and don't try to manipulate or guilt you son into coming home early so you can get one more 'dig' in at your ex. Because, to me, it would be extremely odd if a little boy didn't want to spend more time with his cousin and see some super cool planes at the same time.

 

Remember: these memories and experiences CANNOT be replaced. Don't deprive your son of these.

 

But go see a lawyer so you can get a custody/child support agreement that you can live with happily.

 

And for the record, I do think your ex sound like a jerk. All I'm saying is that isn't your son's fault.

[amaysngrace]

My ex sounds a lot like yours. No, I don't think it's ok for you to go a week without seeing your son. I don't think it's ok that your ex is calling you selfish when he is the one being selfish by not understanding that you have been more than accommodating during his visit with his cousin.

 

I'd bet anything that this has more to do with grandma than with daddy though. You can always look to the mom who raised a man like that.

 

Go back to court, get full custody, get proper child support and then you alone will have the final say rather than trying to work with someone who is disagreeable and disrespectful.

 

Teaching your son to disregard mommy is not in your son's best interest. One day he will have to form relationships with women. He should be taught to respect them.

[sarah16]

Janesays, I think you are completely out of line. Adhering to an agreement is NOT mom trying to spoil anyone's fun.

 

There was an agreement. She already accomodated beyond the original agreement, then she calls to ask when she can pick the child up and is told tough luck, plans changed and this is happening now.

 

What happened to communication from her ex? She has primary custody. She gave up the weekend that was already agreed on.

 

Ex is tremendously manipulative and walking all over agreements.

 

Mom absolutely has the right to be upset, feel jerked around and screwed with. She has been. Don't start crap about oh poor you being a meanie and ruining childs fun. That is bullcrap.

 

Aside from that, ask for new child support order, tough luck on dad, he can put his money on kid and not beer down his gullet. File for new orders. And if they are violated like this again, call the police and file charges.

 

Order is there for a reason, if OP is generous enough to put herself out for her ex, then apprecation, consideration and respect is deserved back!

[mercuryshadow]

I really appreciate everyone's input. I know my words became a little chaotic and my thoughts a bit jumbled, but I was in a state of distress upon writing (which is why I wrote in the first place). I wanted to provide a bit of background so as to illustrate how long I've been biting my tongue in regards to my ex for the sake of peace (and sanity). My distress came over the way the situation was met with an ambush of insults. I had no reason to defend myself, but it still hurt to be met with such words.

 

I spoke with my son on the phone that night and asked him what HE wanted to do. He told me he wanted to say goodbye to his cousin but did not want to wait in the airport (which is the part that made no sense, because in the US, you can only go so far into the airport if you aren't on a flight). So, I was able to pick him up later in the evening and had dinner with him and took him to the park with my FI.

 

The whole debacle may very well have had a lot to do with his grandmother. My ex, in fact, lives with his mother and as far as I can gather, she has a lot of say in what goes on. And yes, my ex is in his 30s.

 

For now, my ex is being very cautious toward me. I am getting married in a few months' time. He must realize he was very out of line and that things could change in regards to custody. Largely, I don't want for anything that could hurt my son. He needs both of his parents. I just hope that things will get better, though I won't be holding my breath. This all may need to be revisited after a few months.

[imfine]

MS, I understand your frustration with your ex and I think you handled the insults thrown at you very well. It is very hard to be the responsible parent while the other parent gets to be the "Disney" parent. If you question anything, they accuse you of not caring about what's best for the child. I always find that ironic considering they provide for little to none of the child's needs. People forget that parents are people too. We love and miss our children. We work hard and sacrifice for them every. single. day. You did the right thing speaking to your child and getting his input. I'm glad you got to spend quality time with him Sunday night. Since his cousin has returned home, hopefully things will go back to normal. As far as the future, your ex and his mother are manipulating you and that needs to stop. In no way does that serve your son's best interests.

[Radu]

He could definitely have called when the situation first came up, it shows consideration.

 

He does sound very thoughtless.