Is boyfriend just completely disrespectful?

August 18, 2013

I have a question.

Now after almost 2 months of not seeing him, this is what I've felt. First of all, for some reason, this has felt like a break up to me. I didn't sleep well for at least the first month and even now I'm still having trouble. For at least the first month I had no appetite, which happens when I am very sad. Now although I remember him and the times we spent together very well, for some reason the prospect of him coming back into my life soon feels like an ex coming back to rekindle a relationship and this brings me to my point where I feel (as I've felt in break ups before) that it's almost better not to "meet to rekindle" because when a relationship is over it's over. Do you understand the last part? What I am talking about are the feelings you experience when you care deeply about someone you have ended a relationship with, and are now debating whether to get together again and all of the ambivalence that comes with it.

All of the things I have mentioned are reflective of a break up and not simply a relationship going long distance.

Can someone please explain these feelings to me? Why am I feeling them if we didn't break up and we just went long distance? Is it because he and I have barely communicated in the last 2 months? Shouldn't I feel more like he and I are "together" than what I am feeling now, since we have been together all this time? Please someone bring some light to this.

It sounds like 1. you two remained quite disconnected while he was gone and 2. You're getting over the initial "shock" of him not being in your life and I think somewhere on a sub concious level you do not want to let this hurtful and harmful person back in.

August 18, 2013

Yes he is being disrespectful and he is not giving what you need to be happy in the relationship.

People her are talking about 'time' before taking someone to meet your parents. Well, if you love someone you take them to meet your parents. You either love someone or you don't, its not dependent on time.

Either take a step back or end it, but don't tolerate!

August 20, 2013

*FYI: The people posting about him should get over the Santista train. The fact that you are incessantly throwing this guy into every post when I have clearly said I don't want him around is just annoying. I'm going to make one last polite request before I start ignoring people. I shouldn't even be saying this as I have already made it clear before. Other than that I am reading every post diligently.

Okay I have another update. I want to mention I have several weeks left to end it if I want to. There is no rush while I am working through this, but I wanted to update an incident that happened recently.

I mentioned before that he refuses to talk on the phone when his family is around or awake. Now I will say that his father has walked in on him talking to me multiple times and from what I know about his family they are a tad controlling. So, I do believe he does not get much privacy. But when I forced him he found time to talk to me. There is a side of me that understands and a side that refuses to understand much longer. When he was still here, I didn't want my family to see him with me but because they are in the same town, they did see us and figured out I am dating someone. I didn't flip out though (as much as I didn't like it) because it's not like THAT will make me stop seeing someone I care about.

Fast forward to the incident. We haven't spoken in days because of "his family." And meanwhile I am the one paying for the long distance calls. Let me just sum this up. He is doing ME a favor by talking to me? Well that's the way he acts, right? Again I had to go to sleep without talking to him after several days of not speaking to him. In my heart I know that's not right and I don't want to understand or respect it, because guess what? I am on another f*cking continent and he is with them. That's the reality. He is across the world from me, and our level of contact is almost nonexistent!!! Can you believe that? And when I brought this up to him he said to me, "I respect that you don't want your family to see me" but did that ever stop me from calling him, picking up his call, or spending the night with him? Did I force him to spend 2 months without me physically next to him while I went to another continent? Did I force him not to call me while I was away? NO! I can't fathom WHY he tries to make it seem like this is an "equal situation," that he will give me a CRUMB and then take the whole damn LOAF. It's like...he is okay with some stupid little thing so that means now I have to have no problem with him obsessively hiding me from his family while he limits our communication to nothing but a few texts every 24 hours?

He asked if I was upset. I said, it shows how he really feels about me and how much I mean to him. Well, I called him selfish. He didn't like that so to punish me he decided (being across the world and all) that he was going to sleep. Literally. Those were the texts. He said he doesn't want to fight and he is going to sleep now, goodnight. As I told you previously, this is how he deals with things when he doesn't like what I say. He turns around and leaves.

Opinions?

Edited August 20, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt

August 20, 2013

As I told you previously, this is how he deals with things when he doesn't like what I say. He turns around and leaves.

Opinions?

You should return the favor and do the same.

August 20, 2013

He is doing ME a favor by talking to me? Well that's the way he acts, right? Again I had to go to sleep without talking to him after several days of not speaking to him. In my heart I know that's not right and I don't want to understand or respect it, because guess what? I am on another f*cking continent and he is with them. That's the reality. He is across the world from me, and our level of contact is almost nonexistent!!! Can you believe that?

Sure... I believe it. He doesn't need anything from you right now, so he doesn't want to be bothered with communication. He's already proven to you over and over that your needs are not a priority for him. So I don't know why you'd expect anything different from him.

I think you are projecting your own feelings onto him. You love him, and you want to do things that make him happy, so you ASSUME that he feels the same way and wants the same thing. But in reality, what he wants is for himself to be happy. If what he wants also makes you happy, great. But if not, he isn't going to bother putting in the effort.

He asked if I was upset. I said, it shows how he really feels about me and how much I mean to him. Well, I called him selfish. He didn't like that so to punish me he decided (being across the world and all) that he was going to sleep. Literally. Those were the texts. He said he doesn't want to fight and he is going to sleep now, goodnight. As I told you previously, this is how he deals with things when he doesn't like what I say. He turns around and leaves.

Again, he doesn't want to bother with it.

And again - what are you going to do about it?

He is who he is. Your love can't magically change him into someone who is loving, caring, giving, and rational. He's got some major issues.

You deserve more than what he gives you - no doubt about it. But you aren't going to get it from him. So you can choose to accept him as he is - selfish jerk parts and all, or you can move on and find someone who can share a healthy giving love with you.

August 20, 2013

Sure... I believe it. He doesn't need anything from you right now, so he doesn't want to be bothered with communication. He's already proven to you over and over that your needs are not a priority for him. So I don't know why you'd expect anything different from him.

Ok I will go over this in parts. The idea that he doesn't need anything from me only makes sense to me in the context that he absolutely doesn't care one bit for my feelings after almost 9 months of dating. I have a hard time grasping onto this because I've been with him for a long time and I am very confused, because there are times that he's all over helping me out and listening to me, and other times when he acts like this.

I think you are projecting your own feelings onto him. You love him, and you want to do things that make him happy, so you ASSUME that he feels the same way and wants the same thing. But in reality, what he wants is for himself to be happy. If what he wants also makes you happy, great. But if not, he isn't going to bother putting in the effort.

I don't know if I am projecting. I've been with him for 9 months. If we were together for a month and I was going ba-zerk for him I can understand projection, but is it really projection after I have good reason to expect him to care after almost a year of dating? But you are right, those are my expectations (justifiably).

Again, he doesn't want to bother with it

This is what it seems like. Let me explain more elaborately what happened. We were having a nice, friendly conversation for a few hours over text and I asked him if he wants me to call him, this is probably the 3rd night in a row, maybe 4th. He said no because of the circumstances. I became frustrated and he asked if I was upset. The guy SAW that I was getting upset and ACKNOWLEDGED it. I told him he is selfish, and that I can see what is really most important to him, that he'd be across the world from me for months and have the nerve to limit contact without regard for how I feel about it. NEVERMIND how superficial his feelings for ME are, considering how OK he is with doing this. He got mad at me for calling him selfish and said he was going to sleep.

August 20, 2013

that he'd be across the world from me for months and have the nerve to limit contact without regard for how I feel about it.

Just like he had the nerve to go across the world from you without caring about how you felt about it.

Just like he had the nerve to be verbally abusive to you.

Just like he had the nerve to threaten you with breaking up.

When it comes to creating a mutually satisfying, happy, healthy relationship, he just doesn't get it. And nothing you can do is going to make him get it.

August 20, 2013

Just like he had the nerve to go across the world from you without caring about how you felt about it.

Just like he had the nerve to be verbally abusive to you.

Just like he had the nerve to threaten you with breaking up.

When it comes to creating a mutually satisfying, happy, healthy relationship, he just doesn't get it. And nothing you can do is going to make him get it.

Exactly. Now I've demonstrated how he flips from being nice to some evil monster without reason. This is the Jekyll and Hyde I was talking about earlier.

And you know what? I'm not really as much upset about MYSELF not being able to talk to him, but about HIM being so damn OK with it. It's like...are you serious? And you try to tell me you care about me?

Edited August 20, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt

August 20, 2013

For some guys that is how a guy should behave and women must take it:

Whenever I complained to my bf about his cheating and angry behavior he would say "do you know how many women take this ****??? I don't understand why you don't!" "if it weren't for you, we would be happily in love" When he went to Honduras for a few months he would call me everyday, tell me he loved me, I even went to stay with him and met everyone. Comes back I found out he had been cheating. But of course nobody told me, it's his family and they live in a culture where that is normal. I wouldn't be surprised if he's over there because his family has found him a bride or looking. These men love having women in different countries.

True....certain cultures (in my case Latin but born here, he was Honduran) men are taught to be machos, they run the house, a woman steps out of line, you hit her and he MUST cheat to prove hes a real man. Women are raised to know that men are animals but as a good woman you stand by his side. Beating and cheating is just what men do, what can you do?

Seems like you know better. This isn't no 3rld world country where that **** flies. There are so many men looking for LOVE, not a posession.

August 20, 2013

For some guys that is how a guy should behave and women must take it:

Whenever I complained to my bf about his cheating and angry behavior he would say "do you know how many women take this ****??? I don't understand why you don't!" "if it weren't for you, we would be happily in love"

He's said similar things to me. For example, he's said, "No other guy would take this."

And I am sitting there thinking to myself...what a wuss he is. LOL He is crying about THIS? Damn he's a baby!

But I always knew it was a variation of the same thing.

August 20, 2013

oh, haha, moral of the story:

I felt like you did a few months into it, but I kept waiting around for change. Thinking no, he's not like that.....we were together 3.5 years. The cheating never stopped, he was starting to get verbally abusive, and I'm like "oh no, i stop here" so see.....what's the point of you staying when you know the breakup is inevitable. I wasted 3.5 years when it should've only been like 4 months. And I knew this way back when, but I wasn't strong enough to ever leave.

But as soon as he started the verbal abusive (that was my tipping point), I was like oh no, this will only get worse, then the hitting will commence, the cheating and justifying it with MY bad behavior or bc I gained weight, lost weight, you name it, there will always be an excuse no matter how ridiculous (like how your bf blames you for the abuse), etc etc. This guy is ALREADY abusive, 7 months in. Mine at least waited 3 years, lol. But abuse is abuse, nonetheless.

Walk away now, because it will always hurt, might as well cut the hurt now that he's gone. Perfect sign if you ask me.

August 20, 2013

He's said similar things to me. For example, he's said, "No other guy would take this."

Oh yes! Classic abusive behavior, make her think no one will ever want her so she feels like crap about herself and doesn't leave.

I was a calm girl, of course I'd get angry when I found out he cheated....so he'd pull "no other guy would take this....you are psycho" line on me.

Um, may I remind you the only reason we are having this fight is because YOU are the one that stepped out of line.

Took me a while to wake up and be like , "wait a minute, if it weren't for HIS misbehavings I'd be cool as a cucumber, there would be no fights, this is all HIS fault" But logically, to him these weren't issues for me to be upset, because remember: a good woman stands by her man with her mouth closed.

August 20, 2013

He actually pushed me in the beginning. He was actually hugging me close, and I made a bad joke, so he flung me away. But he pushed me away with force and I nearly fell backwards -- I barely caught myself. He did apologize but it was definitely a watered down apology because he told me he did it out of pain for what I said (he justified it). He said he wasn't trying to "push me" but was instead "pushing me away" because he did not want to be close to me when I am making such horrible jokes.

But how was that to be pushing me away, when he was willingly hugging me? I was not forcing myself on him, so why would he need to push me away when I am not breaking physical boundaries?

He has not done anything like that since that night, but I will always remember it in addition to the way he says "I piss him off" and so he has a right to yell at me or become rude.

August 20, 2013

i mean every single thing you have mentioned are signs yelling at you ABUSIVE MAN.

With me I had a lot of pieces missing until my 3rd year and even then I had a hunch. But once the "you've gained weight..." "I can't tell an unstable woman that I love her" started, I was out. He never hit me, but that's not to say it wasn't down the road. I feel it would've been.

Then I found out he even tried to get with my sister.

Just walk away.

August 20, 2013

i mean every single thing you have mentioned are signs yelling at you ABUSIVE MAN.

With me I had a lot of pieces missing until my 3rd year and even then I had a hunch. But once the "you've gained weight..." "I can't tell an unstable woman that I love her" started, I was out.

Then I found out he even tried to get with my sister.

Just walk away.

In the beginning he said I wasn't taking care of myself because he thought I had too much hair on my arms and needed to shave it, because "all the other women he knows shave their arms and take care of themselves." And that if I loved him I would do this one thing for him.

I told him I was not going to be with him after he said that. So, he never mentioned it again and chose to talk about another part of my body. I was like, if this stupid behavior doesn't stop I am leaving and you can find someone who doesn't have hair in those places. And I never heard it again after that.

Edited August 20, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt

August 20, 2013

In the beginning he said I wasn't taking care of myself because he thought I had too much hair on my arms and needed to shave it, because "all the other women he knows shave their arms and take care of themselves."

and that was JUST the beginning!!! No no no. No good. Don't ever take that from a man, please.

That later turns into cheating and always belittling you in comparison to the mistresses. Even if it's stupid ****. Don't ever take that from a man, please.

My stepdad always called my mom fat and sloppy. He cheated on her with a woman about 100lbs fatter than her and super nasty looking. But bc he'd always compare her to the lover my mom thought she was a good looking woman. When she finally saw her she was like WTF? This is what i'm getting treated like **** over?

August 20, 2013

and that was JUST the beginning!!! No no no. No good. Don't ever take that from a man, please.

That later turns into cheating and always belittling you in comparison to the mistresses. Even if it's stupid ****. Don't ever take that from a man, please.

My stepdad always called my mom fat and sloppy. He cheated on her with a woman about 100lbs fatter than her and super nasty looking. But bc he'd always compare her to the lover my mom thought she was a good looking woman. When she finally saw her she was like WTF? This is what i'm getting treated like **** over?

Oh God. I just know it will slip into that... I feel it in my gut.

August 20, 2013

This man doesn't love you, or respect you, and isn't even committed to you. Why waste your time when in the end he will prob end up leaving you....after your better years have gone....or worse, WITH KIDS.

Walk away while you're still young and beautiful.

You can't keep putting yourself into this revolving door that you know very well won't end well. You can't expect change from someone who doesn't care to change. You are the only one that keeps allowing this heartbreak. Gotta remove yourself from the hurt for it to stop.

August 20, 2013

so you know all this? why do you still want to stay?

August 20, 2013

This man doesn't love you, or respect you, and isn't even committed to you. Why waste your time when in the end he will prob end up leaving you....after your better years have gone....or worse, WITH KIDS.

There is confusion. He acts like this, and then he will also act nicely. He will keep his eyes from other women (at least when I see him), he will speak in a non-flirtatious tone to other women, he will call me daily as I've asked him, he pays, he's not cheap with me (whatever he can afford), and he's introduced me to all his friends. I've mentioned the times he's acted shady, but the shady times tell more than the good ones I think. It's confusing and I don't know what to think about it.

I'm really not trying to sound stupid. I'm just pointing out that he keeps me hooked in by confusing me by throwing in some "nice ones." The nice ones may just as well be fake as hell.

Edited August 20, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt

August 20, 2013

Sounds pretty disrespectful to me.

If my girlfriend did that to me, she'd no longer be my girlfriend.

August 20, 2013

My bf loved me too, he was super sweet, took me out, never looked at other women infront of me. Gave me money, gave my family money. Did ANYTHING i wanted and needed.

That being said, I don't give a f**** if he loved me anymore. He didn't give me the love that I deserve. Sure I know to some other insecure women his love will be the best love that they've had, since he's super nice and helpful as a person, but not the love that I know I deserve and I know that I can get much better.

I know you'll get to that point, but you have to get there on your own. Nobody can tell you otherwise. Just don't get pregnant. He will try to have his anchor baby (so you will NEVER leave)

August 20, 2013

it's all about your and his perspective of love.

To him love was being super nice to me, helping me out financially, having sex every night. Cheating, getting angry at me didn't mean he didn't love me to him. To me that's not love. Doesn't mean he didn't love me, just means our views of what love is are different. Therefore what's the point?

If you think his love is enough, that's all that matters!

August 21, 2013

Life is too short to date a guy who makes you feel this ****ty! Don't waste any more time on him. This two months will be a great period of time for you to get used to not being with him.

August 21, 2013

I used to volunteer abroad....in the villages, women would actually say that their men hitting them and being angry was a sign of his love. They said that they loved them and that's why they were disciplining them, to make them into better women. That the men were overwhelmingly jealous because their love for them was so great that they couldn't stand the thought of her being with someone else.

When these women hear or come to the US they are just so mind blown of all of our "liberties". They can't believe a man would "allow" a woman to work, go out, etc. They raise their daughters the same, the daughters grow up seeing the same at home. Then it becomes a clash in the daughters head, "mom says this is the way it is....but here in America it's not like that....this is a different culture, I don't want to live like mom did"

But sometimes the daughter has no choice but to keep it within the same culture. But those who don't have to usually seek outside their race for better treatment.

Different strokes right?

I decided to give my "peoples" a try, thinking since he'd been here for 10 years he was Americanized. Big mistake.

Edited August 21, 2013 by emva07

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Is boyfriend just completely disrespectful?

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