Is boyfriend just completely disrespectful?

[Eddie Edirol]

What are we fighting so much about anyway? Everything. There are things I will take responsibility for, for example, bringing up a topic. I'm talkative and he isn't. I bring up a lot of stuff, I ask questions, I'm interested. But I'm polite and I listen to him. That's irrelevant to him though because regardless of my politeness or general interest, he will catch an attitude with me. And this attitude will escalate. Let me stress this. I can be the nicest person in the world that moment, without an ulterior agenda, but if he doesn't like it for whatever reason (and he usually doesn't) then he will immediately become rude and defensive. In a way you can say he is the one who starts the fights.

 

Yeah but no matter how politely you ask things, anyone will get annoyed if you keep bringing up things they dont want to talk about. Are you bringing up subjects that he doesnt want to change? Do you keep asking the same questions? What riles him up so much?

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Yeah but no matter how politely you ask things, anyone will get annoyed if you keep bringing up things they dont want to talk about. Are you bringing up subjects that he doesnt want to change? Do you keep asking the same questions? What riles him up so much?

 

I bring up things that are on my mind. Sometimes the subjects are repetitive because he didn't take care of things the first time by giving me BS answers or getting defensive. I gave an example before where he clearly smiled at another female directly in front of me knowing I was looking. When confronted, he said "What I can't smile at people now?"

 

You can tell for yourself this is childish, manipulative, and if he wants to be in a big boy relationship he needs to act like a big boy. Last time I checked he didn't like it when I smiled at the opposite sex even if there was no flirtation involved. However, that night it was clearly he was flirting with her, and she was eating something and got it all over her face. When he smiled at her and give her some tissue paper, she shyly looked up at him and smiled back. Now that...is some major flirting. And he said "what I can't smile at people now?" OBVIOUSLY he will get annoyed since he feels that he do whatever he wants and I have the nerve to have a problem with it?? Why wouldn't he get annoyed with me for that? He expects me to kiss his ass and I'm not doing it.

 

If he doesn't want me bringing things up he needs to stop acting like a cheating piece of crap. He needs to act like he's in a relationship, and when he makes mistakes he needs to show remorse. So far he wants me to feel remorseful for bringing these things up. He wants to do whatever he wants to do and get away with it no questions asked, and beat me off with a stick.

 

For me, this is no way to live. I don't have a future with him and I know it. This relationship isn't even a smidgen of what I deserve.

Edited August 12, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt

[pteromom]

He flips like a coin. When he's angry or hurt for whatever reason he acts in a terrible way. He will ignore me (silent treatment), act like he doesn't care if I ever speak to him again, and wait for me to break down - usually. Then when things calm down he is spending me kisses, wanting to see me, listens to me, he even gets a little upset when I won't "share" with him. This latter part reflective of a normal relationship, and the former being reflective of...I don't know...but it's not love.

 

What is this?

 

It's selfishness. He is nice when you meet his needs and want the same things he wants. He is mean when you are "out of line" or want something other than what he wants.

 

Remember that the kisses and listening and all that stuff benefits HIM too. It's not about him showing you love; it's about him taking love from you.

 

So the "normal" part of your relationship is just when things are going smoothly because you are meeting all his expectations.

 

You are right - that is NOT love.

[pteromom]

Yes. I don't understand how a person can go from being so rude to being so nice and experience no tension? I can feel it. If I do what he wants he is okay, but if I start kicking then the crap hits the fan. He catches an attitude, gets defensive, becomes rude and won't answer any of my questions or concerns.

 

Does it really matter? You can spend all your energy speculating as to why he is the way he is, and try to justify his actions.

 

But the REAL question is - does this work for YOU?

 

If you don't want to live with someone who is mean, angry, immature, and unpredictable, the reasons why he is that way don't really matter.

 

Just not wanting to live like that is enough reason to walk away.

[dasein]

Didn't read whole thread. Yes, after seven months invested, there should be more than a "this is the way or the highway" attitude in people dating, and it is very disrespectful to unilaterally make such plans without concern for an SO's feelings. But it is what it is, whether due to his bad attitude or he's using this as the beginning of an exit, time to move on and cultivate other options. Whatever you do, dont sit around waiting for the end of this trip. Good luck moving forward.

[KatZee]

If he doesn't want me bringing things up he needs to stop acting like a cheating piece of crap. He needs to act like he's in a relationship, and when he makes mistakes he needs to show remorse. So far he wants me to feel remorseful for bringing these things up. He wants to do whatever he wants to do and get away with it no questions asked, and beat me off with a stick.

 

You're in the "rationalizing" stage of grief. I get that you want to be with him. It's painfully clear that despite everything he's done to you, you STILL love him and STILL want to "work it out" and remain with this guy.

 

Unfortunately, this guy isn't going to magically do a 180 and act different than he is now. He's not magically going to start respecting you, showing remorse for mistakes, and he's most certainly not going to stop doing whatever it is he feels like doing all while tossing you on the side.

 

You need to stop with the "he needs to do x, y, and z." Your complaints, concerns, all your talks, crying, pleading, whatever else you're doing is falling on deaf ears. He doesn't care. Just get this.

 

He. Does. Not. Care.

 

In the back of your mind you're aware you deserve better. So go out and find that "better."

[Ann s]

Why did he never mention me? Why didn't he ever ask how I'd feel? His answer is a consistent "it is MY life and MY family and MY trip. Why should I ask you how you feel about it?"

 

Sounds to me like he doesn't see you in his future, so why mention you, why care about how you feel? My boyfriend of about 6 months up front and told me he'd be going on a business trip for a few weeks in the next few months. A guy that sees himself keeping you around, at least in his short-term future will tell you these things before hand and be at least empathetic to how you will feel being away for that long.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Perhaps you might want to rephrase that to say "Any man who puts hands on a woman has something wrong upstairs."

 

Hello harmfulsweetz,

 

Thanks for your support. I agree with everything you've said and I'd like to tell you something you will be proud of. I realized this before and I confronted him about it, because he tried to feed me crap about how I do things to piss him off and I straight up told him he's full of *****, because I know if I stop doing what he doesn't like he will find another reason to keep doing the same thing.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Uhm... **** no.

 

 

 

 

I would never stay with a man who pulled that crap. It isn't about meeting family, it is the fact that he thinks it has nothing to do with you and that he shouldn't have to tell you.

 

Guess what? He DOESN'T... but guess what else? He ****ing SHOULD have.

My man was always telling me where he was and who he was with. I always knew, there was no not telling me.

 

 

Your boyfriend is VERY disrespectful.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Uhm... **** no.

 

 

 

 

I would never stay with a man who pulled that crap. It isn't about meeting family, it is the fact that he thinks it has nothing to do with you and that he shouldn't have to tell you.

 

Guess what? He DOESN'T... but guess what else? He ****ing SHOULD have.

My man was always telling me where he was and who he was with. I always knew, there was no not telling me.

 

 

Your boyfriend is VERY disrespectful.

 

missjac,

 

Right! You know that's what I was trying to say this whole time. I mean, I have devoted actually more than 7 months now to the relationship, and even though this is HIS trip and HIS family, I am dealing with it because hey, I am not sleeping with anyone else or going to parties or flirting. I am patiently waiting for him to do his business and come back. And besides that, I am emotionally invested. So yes, it damn well DOES include me and the decision should be run by me.

[Auguria]

I don't even need to read anything more about your situation. It's pretty obvious where you stand with this guy.

 

He was never going to take your opinion into consideration. He's being very clear with you. It's HIS life, HIS family, everything about this relationship is all about HIM. So you either deal with it, or you leave.

 

He doesn't sound particularly invested in you. 7 months together and he doesn't want his family finding out about you? What exactly is there to hide?

 

Not quite sure why you're putting up with being someone's fun accessory.

 

-- Just a bit of perspective about the underlined sentences... In many cultures, one doesn't necessarily want to introduce every single boyfriend to his/her parents as it is not seen in a positive light. In many non-western cultures, one introduces only the partner that one is positive he/she will marry. The OP and her bf have been going out for seven months only. While it might seem considerable time for many westerners, it is a laughable period of time for many other cultures. So I wouldn't jump the gun on that point yet...

[Auguria]

missjac,

 

Right! You know that's what I was trying to say this whole time. I mean, I have devoted actually more than 7 months now to the relationship, and even though this is HIS trip and HIS family, I am dealing with it because hey, I am not sleeping with anyone else or going to parties or flirting. I am patiently waiting for him to do his business and come back. And besides that, I am emotionally invested. So yes, it damn well DOES include me and the decision should be run by me.

 

Ok. First, you should probably calm down. I am a woman, simply reading your thread and I feel suffocated by your emotions. A bit of objectivism wouldn't hurt you and maybe ease it up on the intensity too...

Listen, it's difficult, I know. You're upset, I get it.

May I ask you if there's not something else bothering you with your boyfriend traveling to his country? Do you trust him ? Do you trust that he won't be straying while there?

 

The reason why I'm asking is because you seem to emphasize quite a lot your lack " of social interactions". Pardon me, but it seems like you think you're making many sacrifices vis-a-vis your boyfriend by not flirting, going to parties or not even sleeping with others. It's a bit unsettling, to be honest.

[MissBee]

He planned a trip overseas to see his family because he has not seen them in, what he says is 2 years. He looked for flights, booked a tight, booked the day and booked the return flight all on his own. The trip was supposed to be 1 month long but it became 2 months because he rescheduled it to see a relative who was leaving before his arrival.

 

Can anybody see at this point how that would affect me? We'd been together for 7 months when he left. Does my opinion/do my feelings matter here at all? Well, according to him, no. And he did not mention a peep of how he'll miss me from before the booking until the last day he left. I stayed with him the enter time in the airport from arrival to check-in (about 4 hours). I do anything and everything for him.

 

I've brought it up on multiple occasions. Why did he never mention me? Why didn't he ever ask how I'd feel? His answer is a consistent "it is MY life and MY family and MY trip. Why should I ask you how you feel about it?" and this response has never changed.

 

Talk about making someone feel worthless. What makes me feel the worst isn't only that he acted this way, but he's consciously defending that decision to my face and asking me what the problem with marginalizing my feelings is, because it is clear he has no problem doing it.

Is he just completely disrespectful?

 

Yes he is.

 

If I am in a serious relationship, and its been 7 months, and I love and care about you, while ultimately my choices are my own, I always include my partner and ask for their opinions and consider their feelings. It doesn't mean that their feelings override my decisions, but it is only good communication that I let them know about stuff I'm planning to do, esp important stuff and stuff which will affect us. Going to another country for 2 months most certainly affects us! It turns the relationship into a LDR for that time at least. There is NO WAY I would be in a relationship and book an extended trip and not talk to my partner about it or even arrange that during those 2 months he should come for a week or two and really plan together how we're gonna handle this.

 

What he did would be an absolute deal breaker for me. He is inconsiderate, disrespectful, and marginalizes your feelings and doesn't treat you as an important person, but like the help, who is told things on a need to know basis.

 

I also don't get how people read it as you wanting to stop him or wanting to go home to meet his family . The OP said nothing about that. I think it is common courtesy that if you're in a relationship and plan to make any big changes...like say...you're gonna be in another country for 2 months...you discuss this. She didn't say he needed her permission or she wanted to tag along...but it seems like he didn't really mention it until after he already did it. Who really does that? It shows you don't value this person and don't see them as someone important, as when you do, it's just natural that you share things like this. When I'm in a relationship my bf knows about mundane stuff like how my day went or more important stuff like when I have a conference presentation, way in advance of the event, because I care and value him so it is natural for me to keep him up to speed. So worse, if I planned to leave for 2 months, how could I possibly not discuss how this will affect us???? I don't know about other people, but I do not expect that if I'm dating you seriously you should tell me the week before your trip "By the way, tomorrow I'm off to another country for 2 months!" I would expect that I've been in on the plans since day one and we've already discussed how we will work through this transition.

Edited August 14, 2013 by MissBee

[MissBee]

-- Just a bit of perspective about the underlined sentences... In many cultures, one doesn't necessarily want to introduce every single boyfriend to his/her parents as it is not seen in a positive light. In many non-western cultures, one introduces only the partner that one is positive he/she will marry. The OP and her bf have been going out for seven months only. While it might seem considerable time for many westerners, it is a laughable period of time for many other cultures. So I wouldn't jump the gun on that point yet...

 

She said nothing about wanting to go visit his country with him in the opening post...and when the first poster jumped to that conclusion she also clarified again to say that she is not at all upset about not going with him or being introduced to his family, but that he planned a 2 month trip, which originally was even supposed to be 1 month, without really saying anything until after he did it.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Ok. First, you should probably calm down. I am a woman, simply reading your thread and I feel suffocated by your emotions. A bit of objectivism wouldn't hurt you and maybe ease it up on the intensity too...

Listen, it's difficult, I know. You're upset, I get it.

May I ask you if there's not something else bothering you with your boyfriend traveling to his country? Do you trust him ? Do you trust that he won't be straying while there?

 

The reason why I'm asking is because you seem to emphasize quite a lot your lack " of social interactions". Pardon me, but it seems like you think you're making many sacrifices vis-a-vis your boyfriend by not flirting, going to parties or not even sleeping with others. It's a bit unsettling, to be honest.

 

Hi,

 

If you feel suffocated by my emotions simply reading my post you can stop reading my post. Thanks and have a good day/night.

[hoping2heal]

It sounds like you're hurt and angry that you are more invested in the relationship than he is. Sure, the "issue" is that he booked the trip for 2 months without consulting you, but you managed to throw in the "I do everything and anything for him." but the fact that he doesn't think it's serious enough to consult you says he doesn't do anything or everything for you.

 

Working yourself over the hot coals for the guy isn't going to make him do the same in return. You guys need to get on the same page so there are less hurt feelings and seriously, quit doing so much for him.

[MissBee]

I do agree withe healing OP,

 

Seems you're a lot more invested and the giver in this relationship and your bf is a lot more nonchalant about the relationship. Besides this trip, have you felt this way or had other experiences similar to this where he leaves you out or you feel like you value him more than he values you?

 

As the trip is only an illustration of a larger problem...and if he doesn't value you as his partner whom he tells stuff, keeps up to date with things, but just accepts your love and time, then this 2 months may be a blessing in disguise where you can break it off and go NC in one and be on the road to healing and finding a guy who treats you like his bestfriend and will share the big things in his life with.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

It sounds like you're hurt and angry that you are more invested in the relationship than he is. Sure, the "issue" is that he booked the trip for 2 months without consulting you, but you managed to throw in the "I do everything and anything for him." but the fact that he doesn't think it's serious enough to consult you says he doesn't do anything or everything for you.

 

Working yourself over the hot coals for the guy isn't going to make him do the same in return. You guys need to get on the same page so there are less hurt feelings and seriously, quit doing so much for him.

 

Yes, for real I should. I didn't mean to sound like a broken record with that whole "I do everything for him" gig, but it was more of an in the moment statement I made because I'm feeling the impact of being more invested than him. What's worse is that In the beginning he was actually more invested and I think I mentioned this before. If I could describe the difference between him then and him now I would say that: 1. the niceness has tapered off 2. he's not polite 3. he doesn't think about how many things will affect me or assumes I SHOULD deal with them (notice I didn't say WILL deal with them but SHOULD deal with him) and 4. finds every excuse in the book for his temper tantrums and abandonment whereas in the beginning of the relationship when he would do these things I would turn around and leave, literally, or just break up with him on the spot! And this would cause him to panic and ask for forgiveness. But NOW I am more invested because we're been together now for almost a year and I can't find it in myself to leave someone I care about (before I didn't care as much because it was the beginning). I think it's natural to care more when you're more invested. But he has not really stopped doing the crappy things, he just knows I won't leave now or doesn't care if I leave anymore and doesn't panic and apologize or back-peddle anymore.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I do agree withe healing OP,

 

Seems you're a lot more invested and the giver in this relationship and your bf is a lot more nonchalant about the relationship. Besides this trip, have you felt this way or had other experiences similar to this where he leaves you out or you feel like you value him more than he values you?

 

As the trip is only an illustration of a larger problem...and if he doesn't value you as his partner whom he tells stuff, keeps up to date with things, but just accepts your love and time, then this 2 months may be a blessing in disguise where you can break it off and go NC in one and be on the road to healing and finding a guy who treats you like his bestfriend and will share the big things in his life with.

 

He picks and chooses when he wants to bond with me. Usually he does tell me things but we ask one another about the stuff happening in our lives. He typically does tell me things and asks about things, but there are a lot of times he feels he shouldn't have to "worry about how I feel" and do what he wants. That in itself sounds like a load of crap.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I have a confession...

 

Throughout the relationship, when he and I would have particularly long, nasty fights, where we would both lose our temper (and I have a particularly foul mouth), he would turn around and leave. You read that correctly. He would turn around and straight up abandon me on the street. And he would do is routinely... And if you're wondering if he'd call me up to try to apologize or work it out the answer is no. He'd expect ME to contact him after he'd do that. Instead of staying and working it out he would drop me. He wouldn't say "let's talk about this later" or "maybe we shouldn't talk now and I'm going home." He would turn around... and leave. And although we've talked about this behavior plenty of times, he hasn't really ever permanently stopped. He said he does this because I say foul things when we're fighting and he doesn't like it when I swear at him. He tries to justify it as an eye for an eye. As if this isn't bad enough, you haven't heard all the circumstances he's left me in -- and usually he does this at night.

Edited August 14, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt

[hoping2heal]

I have a confession...

 

Throughout the relationship, when he and I would have particularly long, nasty fights, where we would both lose our temper (and I have a particularly foul mouth), he would turn around and leave. You read that correctly. He would turn around and straight up abandon me on the street. And he would do is routinely... And if you're wondering if he'd call me up to try to apologize or work it out the answer is no. He'd except ME to contact him after he'd do that. Instead of staying and working it out he would drop me. He wouldn't say "let's talk about this later" or "maybe we shouldn't talk now and I'm going home." He would turn around... and leave. And although we've talked about this behavior plenty of times, he hasn't really ever permanently stopped. He said he does this because I say foul things when we're fighting and he doesn't like it when I swear at him. He tries to justify it as an eye for an eye. As if this isn't bad enough, you haven't heard all the circumstances he's left me in -- and usually he does this at night.

 

So why are you with him? Why are you playing the martyr role? The guy abandons you, he is callous towards you, and he is not very nice to you but yet you still stay with him. Well into "after the niceness tapered off". Why are you even surprised he did this or what his response to you was when clearly this is just normal for him? The guy sounds like a douche but you have to take some responsibility for the way things are too. You can't just keep letting this guy piss all over your leg and then come crying to the peanut gallery about it.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

So why are you with him? Why are you playing the martyr role? The guy abandons you, he is callous towards you, and he is not very nice to you but yet you still stay with him. Well into "after the niceness tapered off". Why are you even surprised he did this or what his response to you was when clearly this is just normal for him? The guy sounds like a douche but you have to take some responsibility for the way things are too. You can't just keep letting this guy piss all over your leg and then come crying to the peanut gallery about it.

 

This particular behavior has stuck longer than it had to. I've spoken to him about it and he's agreed to changing it but it's still there, just not as prevalent. And it is also "tapering off" but it's there, I won't lie.

 

I'll never forget this one night we had this big fight and he wouldn't let me talk. That's another thing he does, he cuts me off and when I try to respond, defend, or answer him he cuts me off. So, I sat down on the sidewalk and started to cry (sorry for the sob story but that's what I did). But I didn't swear at him. He says "and you're going to make me stand there while you don't say anything!!" turns around and leaves.

 

He has mental problems.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I have a question.

 

Now after almost 2 months of not seeing him, this is what I've felt. First of all, for some reason, this has felt like a break up to me. I didn't sleep well for at least the first month and even now I'm still having trouble. For at least the first month I had no appetite, which happens when I am very sad. Now although I remember him and the times we spent together very well, for some reason the prospect of him coming back into my life soon feels like an ex coming back to rekindle a relationship and this brings me to my point where I feel (as I've felt in break ups before) that it's almost better not to "meet to rekindle" because when a relationship is over it's over. Do you understand the last part? What I am talking about are the feelings you experience when you care deeply about someone you have ended a relationship with, and are now debating whether to get together again and all of the ambivalence that comes with it.

 

All of the things I have mentioned are reflective of a break up and not simply a relationship going long distance.

 

Can someone please explain these feelings to me? Why am I feeling them if we didn't break up and we just went long distance? Is it because he and I have barely communicated in the last 2 months? Shouldn't I feel more like he and I are "together" than what I am feeling now, since we have been together all this time? Please someone bring some light to this.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Bump..not sure if anyone saw.

[Faith13/2]

Valid point. Although he's done that only once, that's not an excuse I guess. It's always in my mind though, and no, I don't expect him to change. I expect myself to get some courage and leave. Honestly. I didn't plan a life with him and I can't trust him.

 

I've read through this post and I've read through some of your others also..

I know you may not listen to me, but I have once been in your place, not exactly, but with the abuse aspect of it. Please try to at least think about what I'm going to say, even though you haven't seemed to take anyone else's advice that has been given since February..

 

It doesn't matter if it has happened "only once," it will happen again. You have allowed him to do this and obviously forgave him if you stayed with him. Little boys like him will never change, they will make you think things are good and show you a nice, sweet side sometimes.. but that angry, hurtful, non-caring person will ALWAYS prevail. Abuse is not just physical it is also mental, and that's exactly what he is doing to you, but the physical has been there also.

 

I know it's hard and I know you may think there's a way to fix things deep down, but what you need to do is go now while you have the chance. Things will only get worse as time moves forward, I promise you that. I know this post particularly had to do with him not caring about how you felt when he left, but of course he didn't because to him your becoming a possession someone who will be there no matter what happens.

 

Find your worth before he makes you his pet completely. You are your own person, you have the right to speak on how you feel, whether he likes it or not. Don't worry about how much not having him in your life may hurt, someday you will see that this is what you needed to do for you. You will want to thank every single person on this site for trying to help you see that, including Santista. Focus on the bad times, eliminate the "good" you think you've seen in him. You have that courage to leave, don't doubt yourself.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Faith13/2