pteromom Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Methinks it is too late for that, pteromom. The problem with abusers like him is that they infiltrate and chip away at you until they've reached your core. I think he's definitely ALMOST there if not there yet. Meaning I can't just "change the frequency," I think it's the end of the relationship a long time coming. This is good that you see all this. I was speaking to the woman who "loves him" and doesn't want to lose him. But if you can see clearly, you are halfway there already. Now you just have to work on making your heart see the logic. Love doesn't hurt. Love is beauty and happiness. Love floats like a balloon and soars like an eagle. Love lives in the sunlight and fills you with warmth. Love is being accepted for who you truly are. Love is the freedom to be vulnerable with someone, and to know and share with someone else without condemnation or criticism. What you are feeling IS NOT love. You see that right? I am not saying that you don't have some kind of need/want for him, or that you do not have strong feelings for who you wish he could be, or who you think he is underneath. But it isn't love.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 I would be doing the happy dance, not sitting around with a sad face. You should be thrilled to get out of such a toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. And you actually have the TIME to do so. Know that the second he gets back home he's going to try to sink his claws right back into you. That would be him: 1. Being charming, 2. Swearing he will change, 3. Becoming that "perfect" guy he was in the beginning, or 4. Threatening you, or 5. Stalking you. You know the funniest thing is that I had a feeling he should sink his claws back into it and I am afraid of that. But wouldn't it be a natural reaction for someone who hasn't seen me in 2 months?
KatZee Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 You know the funniest thing is that I had a feeling he should sink his claws back into it and I am afraid of that. But wouldn't it be a natural reaction for someone who hasn't seen me in 2 months? For a normal healthy relationship? Yes of course. But for the right reasons. The reasons being, they missed you, truly loved/cared for you, and have SHOWN that love and caring for the entire relationship. For the abuser? Yes, but not for the right reasons. If he comes home and you tell him the relationship is over, THAT'S when he's going to pull his claws out to try and get you back. 1
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) Even before I went on this website he confused the hell our of me. Say he is not angry or we are not fighting then you bet your butt he will tell me sweet things like he misses me or wants to be with me. But bring up a topic he doesn't like and you'll know what the definition of anger is. He says his patience runs out and that he is patient with me for as long as he can be until "I piss him off" Edited August 9, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt
KatZee Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Even before I went on this website he confused the hell our of me. Say he is not angry or we are not fighting then you bet your butt he will tell me sweet things like he misses me or wants to be with me. But bring up a topic he doesn't like and you'll know what the definition of anger is. He says his patience runs out and that he is patient with me for as long as he can be until "I piss him off" Stop making excuses for him. He's an abuser. Abusers aren't off their rocker 24/7. They're capable of being "normal." It's when you hit the rocky patches that you see who a person really is. And well, he's not all that normal so it frankly doesn't matter that he says he misses you or that he wants to be with you. I'd HOPE he'd want to be with you, seeing as he's been dating you for 7 months now. He's not even saying anything remotely mind blowing. He just tosses a few crumbs and you latch onto that instead of focusing on what you should be focusing on. 1
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Blah. This really sucks. Even sometimes I think to myself things would be better if I stopped confronting him and then he won't claim reason to be angry. Just do what he wants, y'know? Have you read my other posts?
KatZee Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Blah. This really sucks. Even sometimes I think to myself things would be better if I stopped confronting him and then he won't claim reason to be angry. Just do what he wants, y'know? Spoken like a textbook abusee. This is really sad. You can't keep walking on egg shells thinking that if you don't confront him he won't be angry. If he's not angry at you for this, he'll be angry at you for something else. Soon it will be, "why is my dinner cold?!?!?!" Bam. 2
SantistaUSA Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 (edited) Blah. This really sucks. Even sometimes I think to myself things would be better if I stopped confronting him and then he won't claim reason to be angry. Just do what he wants, y'know? Have you read my other posts? OMG snap out of it already! From what I've read your relationship with this guy has been at least as you said crappy 50% of the time from the beginning. Why is it so hard to let him go? HE DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOU! I'm mean if that's what you are into then have at it, but don't come crying on a forum trying to figure it out why he is so disrespectful to you etc. You are in complete denial and that guy is loving it! Edited August 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
todreaminblue Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 (edited) I understand you are angry but you are angry with the wrong person, santista might have been blunt and a bit straightforward....he actually said he didnt want to seem rude, and you have belittled and ridiculed him for offering his thoughts,the anger you have you are misdirecting onto another... this thread started out how your bf didnt ask for your opinion and left you out of the planning for his trip to see his family then didnt tell you he missed you and expected you to stay faithful fro two months.......then it was he threatens you with breaking up,over a text message,hasnt told his family about you because it easier for him not to.......you have been together for seven months.......have i get your thread down? i dont understand the abuse coming in.......so ill give my opinion based on this....... you know if he is abusive to you or not...every woman feels it in their gut.......that nagging thought at the back of all your other thoughts..is normally spot on in what you need to think of..... you have to decide if you truly want to pursue a relationship with this man, if you truly care about him and can handle whatever flaws he has.....its not the good times that shape a relationship its the rough times....and at seven months...rough times for you are rather early...... it is quite easy to be with someone who has excellent qualities and attitude.....but....what defines whether you stay or not in the relationship is your ability to be with the whole person not just the things you like, you have to accept what you feel is not ideal.........if you cant handle the flaws and compromise...you wont handle the relationship for it to be a lasting one..its just a matter of time that will bring the relationship you have now, to a close...............i wish you well.....and hope that you make the best decision for you and for him......good luck....deb Edited August 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 (edited) I understand you are angry but you are angry with the wrong person, santista might have been blunt and a bit straightforward....he actually said he didnt want to seem rude, and you have belittled and ridiculed him for offering his thoughts,the anger you have you are misdirecting onto another... this thread started out how your bf didnt ask for your opinion and left you out of the planning for his trip to see his family then didnt tell you he missed you and expected you to stay faithful fro two months.......then it was he threatens you with breaking up,over a text message,hasnt told his family about you because it easier for him not to.......you have been together for seven months.......have i get your thread down? i dont understand the abuse coming in.......so ill give my opinion based on this....... you know if he is abusive to you or not...every woman feels it in their gut.......that nagging thought at the back of all your other thoughts..is normally spot on in what you need to think of..... you have to decide if you truly want to pursue a relationship with this man, if you truly care about him and can handle whatever flaws he has.....its not the good times that shape a relationship its the rough times....and at seven months...rough times for you are rather early...... it is quite easy to be with someone who has excellent qualities and attitude.....but....what defines whether you stay or not in the relationship is your ability to be with the whole person not just the things you like, you have to accept what you feel is not ideal.........if you cant handle the flaws and compromise...you wont handle the relationship for it to be a lasting one..its just a matter of time that will bring the relationship you have now, to a close...............i wish you well.....and hope that you make the best decision for you and for him......good luck....deb UMM TODEREAMBLUE, Thanks for your opinion on the thread Edited August 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
darkmoon Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 (edited) "I do anything and everything for him"...you are trying to perfect your love-life by dint of all means possible, but he does not care to perfect it too, he likes you, but does not seem to want what you do, which is to be a fully-fledged couple, date around elsewhere, discreetly or otherwise, for the coupledom, the glued-together situation, that you want Edited August 10, 2013 by darkmoon
KatZee Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 i dont understand the abuse coming in.......so ill give my opinion based on this....... TDiB-- please check the other threads which mention emotional abuse/manipulation, him putting his hands on her to shove her to the point of almost falling, passive aggressive behavior, control issues, and the fear of his anger issues. She's constantly walking on eggshells, he has broken her down to nothing, she feels worthless, and feels he will probably beat or cheat on her in the future. Although this thread was about him leaving for 2 months without any consideration for her, there are far more things involved than this mere issue & I feel like everyone needs to see the whole picture. Not just think this is the only issue and the rest of the relationship is wonderful. 1
MidwestUSA Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Oh, I have woken up in feisty mode. You know, you could break up with him VIA TEXT, LOL! Sorry, I had to say that. OP, I sincerely hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. And to resist and fight off the claws that are going to come out. He's going to try to suck you back in. He'll do it over and over and over again. If you allow it. Do you want to live like that? 1
SantistaUSA Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I understand you are angry but you are angry with the wrong person, santista might have been blunt and a bit straightforward....he actually said he didnt want to seem rude, and you have belittled and ridiculed him for offering his thoughts,the anger you have you are misdirecting onto another... this thread started out how your bf didnt ask for your opinion and left you out of the planning for his trip to see his family then didnt tell you he missed you and expected you to stay faithful fro two months.......then it was he threatens you with breaking up,over a text message,hasnt told his family about you because it easier for him not to.......you have been together for seven months.......have i get your thread down? i dont understand the abuse coming in.......so ill give my opinion based on this....... you know if he is abusive to you or not...every woman feels it in their gut.......that nagging thought at the back of all your other thoughts..is normally spot on in what you need to think of..... you have to decide if you truly want to pursue a relationship with this man, if you truly care about him and can handle whatever flaws he has.....its not the good times that shape a relationship its the rough times....and at seven months...rough times for you are rather early...... it is quite easy to be with someone who has excellent qualities and attitude.....but....what defines whether you stay or not in the relationship is your ability to be with the whole person not just the things you like, you have to accept what you feel is not ideal.........if you cant handle the flaws and compromise...you wont handle the relationship for it to be a lasting one..its just a matter of time that will bring the relationship you have now, to a close...............i wish you well.....and hope that you make the best decision for you and for him......good luck....deb I've read her previews post and it has been a nightmare for her for months, so we can't sugarcoat to her anymore. When someone says ok he likes you, all she sees is OMG he likes me etc, she is in denial and I'm getting the feeling she will stay with him, and if ever breaks up with her she will stalk and persue him. To me she's the one with the problem, he probably noticed this and is just using her.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Santista, I am not sure you read my previous posts towards you but I do not want your advice anymore. I would prefer if you stopped posting on my thread. Please don't discuss any issues with me on the matter - I just don't want you posting to me or on my behalf or reading my PREVIOUS posts. If you continue to do so I will ignore you.
veggirl Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Your relationship with this guy has been horrific from the beginning, I'm not sure what you are expecting, a sudden change? Why would things change? They won't, you will continue down dysfunction alley til one of you finally pulls the plug. Don't you want a peaceful relationship? One where you don't call each other names or swear and scream or push? I think you have not only self-esteem issues but also anger management issues. You have been fighting and calling names since the beginning. Do you think this guy is someone you could spend the rest of your life with? It's only been 7 mos and you should have called it quits at least 4 mos ago. btw, 7 mos isn't "nearly a year", it's "barely over 6 mos". Its the HONEYMOON PERIOD. Think about it--THIS is the ****ing honeymoon period with you two. HEALTHY relationships don't have this much drama and discord in YEARS much less MONTHS. What are you holding on to? If you can do better, THEN DO IT. 3
ascendotum Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Eddie, ..I will call him using MY FUNDS, late at night when his family isn't up because he doesn't want them to "find out." Since he got there he has gotten more and more disrespectful to me. He has said on several occasions he wants to break up and mentioned how "easy it would be, all he needs to do is send a text message"!!!!! Can you f*cking believe it... If one of the partner's start dropping threats like this, then don't wait around for the inevitable, because its going to be a bumpy crappy ride to dump town in the not too far away future. Or else they stay on and learn to live with the episodes of disrespect (because of the tender times) but the other partner picks up on what their bf/gf are willing to tolerate and it just leads to more disrespect/cheating. Also just saw Katzee post. Do yourself a favor and dump him. Tell him you accept his threat to break up with you and no need for a formal txt.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Oh, I have woken up in feisty mode. You know, you could break up with him VIA TEXT, LOL! Sorry, I had to say that. OP, I sincerely hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. And to resist and fight off the claws that are going to come out. He's going to try to suck you back in. He'll do it over and over and over again. If you allow it. Do you want to live like that? Hey MidwestUSA, You are too funny. When he made that statement I made him sound stupid - I said "Oh really? You can break up with me over text it would be so easy? Wouldn't it be easy for me to break up with you over text while you're over there? Wouldn't it be easy for me to break up with you over text while you're over here?" Thank you for your support.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 Your relationship with this guy has been horrific from the beginning, I'm not sure what you are expecting, a sudden change? Why would things change? They won't, you will continue down dysfunction alley til one of you finally pulls the plug. Don't you want a peaceful relationship? One where you don't call each other names or swear and scream or push? I think you have not only self-esteem issues but also anger management issues. You have been fighting and calling names since the beginning. Do you think this guy is someone you could spend the rest of your life with? It's only been 7 mos and you should have called it quits at least 4 mos ago. btw, 7 mos isn't "nearly a year", it's "barely over 6 mos". Its the HONEYMOON PERIOD. Think about it--THIS is the ****ing honeymoon period with you two. HEALTHY relationships don't have this much drama and discord in YEARS much less MONTHS. What are you holding on to? If you can do better, THEN DO IT. Hey Veggiegirl nice to meet you, You have a great point with the honeymoon. Can't imagine the rest of the stages not to mention marriage. At T-4 months I was in the same place contemplating leaving Be gentle...
SantistaUSA Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Santista, I am not sure you read my previous posts towards you but I do not want your advice anymore. I would prefer if you stopped posting on my thread. Please don't discuss any issues with me on the matter - I just don't want you posting to me or on my behalf or reading my PREVIOUS posts. If you continue to do so I will ignore you. Ok fine I will stop posting, it's sad that you see me as the bad guy and states that you will ignore me, that's what you should do to the guy that is abusing you! I truly wish good luck to you and hope you find strength to move on! 2
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 11, 2013 Author Posted August 11, 2013 Pteromom, Z, and others, This is really weird. He and I seem to be fighting endlessly and the feelings I am experiencing are a mixed bag to say the least. I can feel that he doesn't really care for me. Finally, I guess? But I suppose I knew that from the beginning or it is becoming too evident now. I don't know how someone can love another person and turn their back on them so easily (without justification). He flips like a coin. When he's angry or hurt for whatever reason he acts in a terrible way. He will ignore me (silent treatment), act like he doesn't care if I ever speak to him again, and wait for me to break down - usually. Then when things calm down he is spending me kisses, wanting to see me, listens to me, he even gets a little upset when I won't "share" with him. This latter part reflective of a normal relationship, and the former being reflective of...I don't know...but it's not love. What is this?
Eddie Edirol Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Pteromom, Z, and others, This is really weird. He and I seem to be fighting endlessly and the feelings I am experiencing are a mixed bag to say the least. I can feel that he doesn't really care for me. Finally, I guess? But I suppose I knew that from the beginning or it is becoming too evident now. I don't know how someone can love another person and turn their back on them so easily (without justification). He flips like a coin. When he's angry or hurt for whatever reason he acts in a terrible way. He will ignore me (silent treatment), act like he doesn't care if I ever speak to him again, and wait for me to break down - usually. Then when things calm down he is spending me kisses, wanting to see me, listens to me, he even gets a little upset when I won't "share" with him. This latter part reflective of a normal relationship, and the former being reflective of...I don't know...but it's not love. What is this? Since hes from a different culture its rough to say. He could be losing his attraction to you, and then decides he misses you when he doesnt hear from you for a day. If you know what to say, its easy to use certain tactics to keep a person on the hook when you dont want to be alone. Its a constant thing on this board. Sometimes the chemistry just doesnt work for the long run. The pressure of the culture clash could be getting to him. Maybe men of his culture are used to women being subservient, lower class, easily manipulated, people pleasers, etc. That is a major clash for a woman that is independent. Maybe he thinks it would be easier if he finds a woman of his culture that he can manipulate any way he wants. Maybe he was just using you to sow his wild oats while his family finds him a wife. THAT sure as hell would explain his behavior. Its totally possible too, there are TONS of manipulation stories on this board. IMO it sounds like the culture clash alone is just too difficult to deal with to keep this going, not even including the recent treatment. What are you guys fighting about so much anyways? Who is starting the fights, and who is antagonizing?
MidwestUSA Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Pteromom, Z, and others, This is really weird. He and I seem to be fighting endlessly and the feelings I am experiencing are a mixed bag to say the least. I can feel that he doesn't really care for me. Finally, I guess? But I suppose I knew that from the beginning or it is becoming too evident now. I don't know how someone can love another person and turn their back on them so easily (without justification). He flips like a coin. When he's angry or hurt for whatever reason he acts in a terrible way. He will ignore me (silent treatment), act like he doesn't care if I ever speak to him again, and wait for me to break down - usually. Then when things calm down he is spending me kisses, wanting to see me, listens to me, he even gets a little upset when I won't "share" with him. This latter part reflective of a normal relationship, and the former being reflective of...I don't know...but it's not love. What is this? What is this? It's all about him being in control. Driving the emotional bus. Having things his way, because it's the ONLY way. Keeping you under his thumb, right where he wants you. Hope you are doing okay today!
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Since hes from a different culture its rough to say. He could be losing his attraction to you, and then decides he misses you when he doesnt hear from you for a day. If you know what to say, its easy to use certain tactics to keep a person on the hook when you dont want to be alone. Its a constant thing on this board. Sometimes the chemistry just doesnt work for the long run. The pressure of the culture clash could be getting to him. Maybe men of his culture are used to women being subservient, lower class, easily manipulated, people pleasers, etc. That is a major clash for a woman that is independent. Maybe he thinks it would be easier if he finds a woman of his culture that he can manipulate any way he wants. Maybe he was just using you to sow his wild oats while his family finds him a wife. THAT sure as hell would explain his behavior. Its totally possible too, there are TONS of manipulation stories on this board. IMO it sounds like the culture clash alone is just too difficult to deal with to keep this going, not even including the recent treatment. What are you guys fighting about so much anyways? Who is starting the fights, and who is antagonizing? What are we fighting so much about anyway? Everything. There are things I will take responsibility for, for example, bringing up a topic. I'm talkative and he isn't. I bring up a lot of stuff, I ask questions, I'm interested. But I'm polite and I listen to him. That's irrelevant to him though because regardless of my politeness or general interest, he will catch an attitude with me. And this attitude will escalate. Let me stress this. I can be the nicest person in the world that moment, without an ulterior agenda, but if he doesn't like it for whatever reason (and he usually doesn't) then he will immediately become rude and defensive. In a way you can say he is the one who starts the fights. The ironic thing is, and I won't lie to you, since the day we got together he has LITERALLY pointed his finger at me and said I start fights. The fact that we were calm and collected 2 seconds prior doesn't matter, and that 2 seconds later he is screaming or being rude, in his eyes I started it because I brought it up. Remember how I said he thinks "I piss him off"? Yep, he's an irresponsible one. Before you ask, NO, I don't want this and I was never blind to it. But in the beginning I wasn't used to it so I second guessed myself. Nowadays I am sure he's just an immature jerk. As for the marriage thing I am not so sure, but I will have a conversation with him about the relationship. He has told me multiple times that he is not ready for marriage with ANYONE. Seeing as how he's with his family now and he's still not married, I doubt it will happen soon. It's not really because of me. He's still a child and he knows it. He's not ready for marriage as it is a big commitment. He sees it mostly from the perspective of money and children. But that's enough for him to deter that decision for now... Yes, his culture promulgates female subservience.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 What is this? It's all about him being in control. Driving the emotional bus. Having things his way, because it's the ONLY way. Keeping you under his thumb, right where he wants you. Hope you are doing okay today! Yes. I don't understand how a person can go from being so rude to being so nice and experience no tension? I can feel it. If I do what he wants he is okay, but if I start kicking then the crap hits the fan. He catches an attitude, gets defensive, becomes rude and won't answer any of my questions or concerns.
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