Is boyfriend just completely disrespectful?

[JustSomeoneHurt]

OP, dig deep and answer this question: Why are you with this person?

 

I'll also give you a hint: "Because I love him" is the wrong answer.

 

I wasn't even going to go there. Ok KatZee PLEASE stop using lines out of context against me. I am trying to be honest here so that you all can advise me properly, but I can't be having this stuff used against me.

 

I was saying I don't want to force myself to act a way that is not genuine because I care about him and want to act the way I care. I am being true to myself, that's all. That's not an excuse to stay with an abusive guy though, and I wasn't going to claim that.

 

Geez. Ya give an honest answer and people assume you are a basket case..lol

[JustSomeoneHurt]

So... you're aware you may be beat, cheated on, you're currently being emotionally manipulated and abused, you're nothing more than a passing thought in his mind, he hides you from his family, you don't feel loved, cherished, or adored, you feel like nothing... and you stay? Why? Because he told you he missed you?

 

I'm failing to see even one speck of light in this dark and disastrous relationship. I would have been fed up 6.5 months ago.

 

He's a Jekyll and Hyde. He was very nice and progressively got worse. Now is the worst it has ever been.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Leigh87,

 

Read the above post. In the beginning he was 100% and has gotten progressively more disrespectful, probably because this power hungry beast is seeing me fall for him, so he smells power and takes advantage of it. He used to be a lot better. Sometimes he comes through others he doesn't. If I ask him to call daily he does call daily. If I ask him not to say something he stops saying it. Sometimes he doesn't, regardless of how much it hurts me, but I'd say most of the time he does. But it's times like these (this trip) that makes me think twice...

[KatZee]

I wasn't even going to go there. Ok KatZee PLEASE stop using lines out of context against me. I am trying to be honest here so that you all can advise me properly, but I can't be having this stuff used against me.

 

I was saying I don't want to force myself to act a way that is not genuine because I care about him and want to act the way I care. I am being true to myself, that's all. That's not an excuse to stay with an abusive guy though, and I wasn't going to claim that.

 

Geez. Ya give an honest answer and people assume you are a basket case..lol

 

Who's using lines out of context? No one. You point blank have said things in past threads, and you've said things here. Nothing is being construed the wrong way.

 

You're with a piece of garbage. Sorry to completely pop that bubble you're living in, but I'm quite confused why you're continuing to stay, or create threads about a guy who has gotten physical with you, emotional abuses and manipulates you, doesn't care about you, makes you feel worthless, and whom you feel with either beat or cheat on you down the line.

 

He's done these things throughout the relationship... and you're STILL IN THE RELATIONSHIP!

 

This isn't any of us misconstruing anything! You're being treated like crap and abused, and you're only "just getting fed up." Really?

 

Are you hoping one day he's going to magically change? Because he won't. And you need to seriously ask yourself why you didn't leave when he got physical with you the first time. Any woman who stays with someone who puts their hands on them has something wrong upstairs.

[KatZee]

He's a Jekyll and Hyde. He was very nice and progressively got worse. Now is the worst it has ever been.

 

There is no such thing as Jekyll and Hyde.

 

He was and always will be Hyde. All he did was put on a nice and pretty facade for you to fall in love with. Who he is now? What he's showing you now? That's what he always was. But now there's no reason to keep the game going. He has you. He has you in his little trap and his nice tight web. You totally in love, too weak to leave. He can put hands on you, disrespect you, make you feel like crap... who cares. You'll still stay.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

And you need to seriously ask yourself why you didn't leave when he got physical with you the first time. Any woman who stays with someone who puts their hands on them has something wrong upstairs.

 

Valid point. Although he's done that only once, that's not an excuse I guess. It's always in my mind though, and no, I don't expect him to change. I expect myself to get some courage and leave. Honestly. I didn't plan a life with him and I can't trust him.

[KatZee]

Valid point. Although he's done that only once, that's not an excuse I guess. It's always in my mind though, and no, I don't expect him to change. I expect myself to get some courage and leave. Honestly. I didn't plan a life with him and I can't trust him.

 

Not an excuse at all.

 

You know what "once" means? Means he's capable of doing it twice. Three times. There are no second chances when it comes to physically abusing someone. There are no "Three strikes and you're out." This is a "one and you're done" situation.

[MidwestUSA]

Valid point. Although he's done that only once, that's not an excuse I guess. It's always in my mind though, and no, I don't expect him to change. I expect myself to get some courage and leave. Honestly. I didn't plan a life with him and I can't trust him.

 

So then, wouldn't NOW be a good time for you to forget him? While he's gone?

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Not an excuse at all.

 

You know what "once" means? Means he's capable of doing it twice. Three times. There are no second chances when it comes to physically abusing someone. There are no "Three strikes and you're out." This is a "one and you're done" situation.

 

You're right. That's what I've always said to other women being abused. Explains why I have no trust for him though. Deep down you remember things like that, you know they are capable... His temper forces me to walk on eggshells constantly (if you read the previous threads).

[JustSomeoneHurt]

So then, wouldn't NOW be a good time for you to forget him? While he's gone?

 

Yes! Just easier said than done.

[SantistaUSA]

Valid point. Although he's done that only once, that's not an excuse I guess. It's always in my mind though, and no, I don't expect him to change. I expect myself to get some courage and leave. Honestly. I didn't plan a life with him and I can't trust him.

 

How hard is it to let someone go that just plains abuse you? Now should be the time cause he's overseas! Just let him go and start working on bettering yourself, when you do that the right person will come along and will open your eyes!

 

I'm gonna ask again, how old are you? Have you had problems growing up at home? Why do you think you don't deserve respect? If you avoid confronting this things you will never get better.

[KatZee]

You're right. That's what I've always said to other women being abused. Explains why I have no trust for him though. Deep down you remember things like that, you know they are capable... His temper forces me to walk on eggshells constantly (if you read the previous threads).

 

Yep. It's always easier to give advice, but when you find yourself in that situation the game changes. Unfortunately, this is a situation and a relationship that you really need to walk away from. No good will come of staying.

 

He's gone for how much longer? A month? Month and a half. Stop contacting him. Use this time to detach from him emotionally. Really focus on yourself. Book an appointment with a therapist if you can. Keep yourself on track.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I'm gonna ask again, how old are you? Have you had problems growing up at home? Why do you think you don't deserve respect? If you avoid confronting this things you will never get better.

 

Brother, why do you assume I think I don't deserve respect?! Has it occurred to you that perhaps I don't realize it is disrespect? I do doubt myself a lot. I ask if maybe I am taking it the wrong way or being too angry about it? Overreacting? The doubt is what makes it happen so often.

[KatZee]

Brother, why do you assume I think I don't deserve respect?! Has it occurred to you that perhaps I don't realize it is disrespect?

 

It's obvious you don't think you deserve respect based on everything you put up with and continue to put up with. How could you NOT realize all of this was a form of disrespect? Lets put this issue aside for a second. Lets talk about his anger issues, lashing out on you, putting his hands on you, and everything else... what do you think this is? Love?

[SantistaUSA]

Brother, why do you assume I think I don't deserve respect?! Has it occurred to you that perhaps I don't realize it is disrespect? I do doubt myself a lot. I ask if maybe I am taking it the wrong way or being too angry about it? Overreacting? The doubt is what makes it happen so often.

 

First I am not your brother, second I'm not assuming, it is a fact that you do not respect yourself!

 

When someone gets violent, argue, keeps saying that they will break up with you all that time and that it would be easy to do and all it needs is a text to get it done.....THAT"S DISRESPECTFUL!

 

Ok fine you haven't realized that you are not giving yourself respect enough to walk away, but you came here for advice and all of us are telling you what the deal is, so wake up or you will regret it for the rest of your life!

[JustSomeoneHurt]

It's obvious you don't think you deserve respect based on everything you put up with and continue to put up with. How could you NOT realize all of this was a form of disrespect? Lets put this issue aside for a second. Lets talk about his anger issues, lashing out on you, putting his hands on you, and everything else... what do you think this is? Love?

 

No way. The anger is something I've NEVER made excuses for, actually. The anger is something HE always makes excuses for and is characteristic of his problems. According to him I "piss him off." So, by that token in his eyes I deserve whatever he throws at me or acts like a petulant child. Pushing me happened once and then he learned, I guess. But you never know, as you said, happened once and could happen again. He never takes responsibility for his anger though (or very rarely). In his eyes I deserve it, or rather, if I do something to "piss him off" he believes I deserve it in an eye for an eye type of manner.

[pteromom]

When I read your initial post, I was on his side, honestly. I was all "He's an adult. He doesn't need to run it past you if he wants to go visit his family."

 

But as I kept reading, yikes. You are LUCKY he is gone for two months. You can do better than someone who is cruel and abusive.

 

You come across as very defensive and over-reactive (in response to advice here), and I can understand why. If you are in a relationship where you are being abused and manipulated regularly, you get to where you are like a burn victim with very sensitive skin. Always ready to defend and push back.

 

I think you need to use this time when he is gone to work on yourself. Read. Reach out to those who support you. Practice being stronger. Minimize contact with him and focus on other friendships. Remember what it is like to be the FREE you, who can do what you want when you want, without criticism or cruelty. Twirl, smell flowers, listen to good music, laugh. Feel the constriction of his "love" letting go, and see if it truly feels better to be free. I think it will.

[pteromom]

He never takes responsibility for his anger though (or very rarely). In his eyes I deserve it, or rather, if I do something to "piss him off" he believes I deserve it in an eye for an eye type of manner.

 

Sounds EXTREMELY tiring.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

When I read your initial post, I was on his side, honestly. I was all "He's an adult. He doesn't need to run it past you if he wants to go visit his family."

 

But as I kept reading, yikes. You are LUCKY he is gone for two months. You can do better than someone who is cruel and abusive.

 

You come across as very defensive and over-reactive (in response to advice here), and I can understand why. If you are in a relationship where you are being abused and manipulated regularly, you get to where you are like a burn victim with very sensitive skin. Always ready to defend and push back.

 

I think you need to use this time when he is gone to work on yourself. Read. Reach out to those who support you. Practice being stronger. Minimize contact with him and focus on other friendships. Remember what it is like to be the FREE you, who can do what you want when you want, without criticism or cruelty. Twirl, smell flowers, listen to good music, laugh. Feel the constriction of his "love" letting go, and see if it truly feels better to be free. I think it will.

 

Thanks Pteromom I'm glad you understand so well. I just want to say that you hit the nail on the head with the burn victim philosophy, I even noticed it firsthand - I noticed how BEFORE I would let things go so easily and nowadays I react to virtually everything and it is usually negative.

[KatZee]

According to him I "piss him off." So, by that token in his eyes I deserve whatever he throws at me or acts like a petulant child. Pushing me happened once and then he learned, I guess. But you never know, as you said, happened once and could happen again. He never takes responsibility for his anger though (or very rarely). In his eyes I deserve it, or rather, if I do something to "piss him off" he believes I deserve it in an eye for an eye type of manner.

 

He's a textbook abuser. Nothing here is surprising to me, or anything that hasn't been exposed before. An abuser NEVER takes responsibility for their actions. It's always, ALWAYS going to be your fault.

 

"Baby I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have pushed you/punched you/screamed in your face, if you didn't get me so angry! Don't you know not to say/do/act that way?!"

 

It's all about flipping the situation so you're the one at fault. Understand why you're always on egg shells around him? He's conditioned you to acting certain ways, and if you don't, you'll get his wrath.

 

He hasn't learned anything. The only thing he's learned is that he can abuse you, and it will ONLY get progressively worse the longer you stay.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

He's a textbook abuser.

 

He hasn't learned anything. The only thing he's learned is that he can abuse you, and it will ONLY get progressively worse the longer you stay.

 

Yep. Exactly. And it has. Funny how it got worse and he's not even here. Well, the way I see it is that now that he has a "new tool" in his toolbox he will use it (the distance).

[pteromom]

Thanks Pteromom I'm glad you understand so well. I just want to say that you hit the nail on the head with the burn victim philosophy, I even noticed it firsthand - I noticed how BEFORE I would let things go so easily and nowadays I react to virtually everything and it is usually negative.

 

I recommend reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". It will give you a lot of insight into how he thinks and why he is the way he is. The saddest thing is how his anger is changing YOU.

 

Which version of you do you prefer? The old easy-going you, or the defensive on-edge you? If it is the first, what can you do to get her back (regardless of whether you stay in the relationship or not.)

 

You can't change him. And it sounds like he won't acknowledge his issues to change himself. So how can YOU change your part in the relationship so that you are still the person you want to be, and so you don't allow his anger to control you?

 

Journaling would be very good for you, so you can write freely and work through the answers and all your feelings.

[pteromom]

Yep. Exactly. And it has. Funny how it got worse and he's not even here. Well, the way I see it is that now that he has a "new tool" in his toolbox he will use it (the distance).

 

That is it exactly. It's another way to manipulate you.

 

I hope you are able to break free of this. You can do so much better.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

So how can YOU change your part in the relationship so that you are still the person you want to be, and so you don't allow his anger to control you?

 

Methinks it is too late for that, pteromom. The problem with abusers like him is that they infiltrate and chip away at you until they've reached your core. I think he's definitely ALMOST there if not there yet. Meaning I can't just "change the frequency," I think it's the end of the relationship a long time coming.

[KatZee]

I think it's the end of the relationship a long time coming.

 

I would be doing the happy dance, not sitting around with a sad face. You should be thrilled to get out of such a toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. And you actually have the TIME to do so.

 

Know that the second he gets back home he's going to try to sink his claws right back into you. That would be him: 1. Being charming, 2. Swearing he will change, 3. Becoming that "perfect" guy he was in the beginning, or 4. Threatening you, or 5. Stalking you.