Is boyfriend just completely disrespectful?

[SantistaUSA]

Thanks PlumPrincess,

 

You hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much! I agree with your assessment. Let me explain the family issue. We come from different cultures and religions and his culture does not approve of a girlfriend. It's marriage or chastity for them. I let it go for a while, but when he told me he didn't want to talk to me on the phone because they SUSPECT us, I got VERY hurt. Even my family is suspecting him and they saw us together once!!! Although I would've preferred they did not see us - I love him and it didn't bother me that much. When he made the point about having to limit conversations while he's away so that they don't find out, well, that was a different ballgame.

 

Sorry to break this to you, but you need to leave him, why would you want to be with a person that is afraid to tell their family about their SO? He is not that into you, if you stay with him, you are going to have tons of drama in your life. Which country is he from?

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Sorry to break this to you, but you need to leave him, why would you want to be with a person that is afraid to tell their family about their SO? He is not that into you, if you stay with him, you are going to have tons of drama in your life. Which country is he from?

 

It's not that simple. There's a lot that rides on this, and he's most likely going to be expected to marry me at that point. I mean, I understood out of respect for his situation because there's a lot going on and we agreed to make the decision to tell each other's family together. I'm just saying that the way he acted with respect to the limiting of the conversations is something I did not expect. In terms of "not just that into you" is not a phrase I respect. If he's an ********* that's his problem, but that has nothing to do with me.

[PlumPrincess]

Thanks PlumPrincess,

 

You hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much! I agree with your assessment. Let me explain the family issue. We come from different cultures and religions and his culture does not approve of a girlfriend. It's marriage or chastity for them. I let it go for a while, but when he told me he didn't want to talk to me on the phone because they SUSPECT us, I got VERY hurt. Even my family is suspecting him and they saw us together once!!! Although I would've preferred they did not see us - I love him and it didn't bother me that much. When he made the point about having to limit conversations while he's away so that they don't find out, well, that was a different ballgame.

I assume he is from a culture where family is very important. If he never manages to integrate you into his family and to reconcile his feelings for you and his family, you will be wasting your time. I think at one point in time most people who are in such a situation have to make a decision if they don't want to get torn apart by their family and their partner. Most will probably choose family over partner and if they choose the partner, they might be harboring ressentments towards them for forcing them to make this difficult decision and considering that your partner isn't exactly the most understanding and stress-resistant person...

[JustSomeoneHurt]

FYI Sanista - He's the one who begged ME to be with him. And I gave in. Just so you know the game, aight brother.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I assume he is from a culture where family is very important. If he never manages to integrate you into his family and to reconcile his feelings for you and his family, you will be wasting your time. I think at one point in time most people who are in such a situation have to make a decision if they don't want to get torn apart by their family and their partner. Most will probably choose family over partner and if they choose the partner, they might be harboring ressentments towards them for forcing them to make this difficult decision and considering that your partner isn't exactly the most understanding and stress-resistant person...

 

Actually you seem to be getting everything right. He constantly, and I mean constantly, it's his favorite phrase, tells me that "it's too much pressure it's too much pressure" to handle something or do something. I am sitting there like...How can this simple thing that should come naturally be too much pressure? I can never understand that BS.

[Phantom888]

At 7 months, I think it would be respectable for him to at least discuss his schedule and see if you have any inputs. If you can't join him, then maybe he can work out a schedule where you can skype a few times a week. He needs to at least talk to you about it, and not making it HIS thing. If you feel disrespected, take the time to look elsewhere while he is on this trip. By the time he comes back, you'll be gone!

[Treasa]

I've had a freaking long day, and I only read the OP and am typing this with my head on my desk at work, but I don't see why he should ask how you'd feel or bring up a communication plan. Especially not after just seven months.

 

You said you do anything and everything for him. Stop. You said you stayed with him the entire time at the airport. Stop.

 

When you start pulling back to the level he is and start giving more to yourself, things will balance out.

 

My part in this, if I had been you, would have been to kiss him goodbye before he got in the cab to take him to the airport.

[KatZee]

 

When you start pulling back to the level he is and start giving more to yourself, things will balance out.

 

My part in this, if I had been you, would have been to kiss him goodbye before he got in the cab to take him to the airport.

 

 

This. Sounds like you're both at two completely different points in this relationship. Pull back, mirror him. Stop bending over backwards and investing 150% when he invests 40%.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

My part in this, if I had been you, would have been to kiss him goodbye before he got in the cab to take him to the airport.

 

I wouldn't have done that had I known him for a month. I got with him because I liked him and now after all this time I care about him a lot more than just a kiss before he gets into a cab. And that's what makes me feel happy. Being with him makes me feel happy. I wish say he got very emotional before he got on the plane and contacted me when he landed and between flights because I asked him to. It's a shame his love didn't last long after he got to his family. Maybe he only acted with respect and love when he was vulnerable, travelling, and now that he's safe and sound with his family he couldn't care less.

 

I appreciate you reading my posts given your long day.

[SantistaUSA]

FYI Sanista - He's the one who begged ME to be with him. And I gave in. Just so you know the game, aight brother.

 

ok, that was 7 months ago right? Him fighting for you back then doesn't mean he's still into you but since still don't know which country he's from it is hard to give a better advice. But what culture doesn't allow for someone to have a gf? Why does he have to hide you from his family?

 

I'm Brazilian but be leaving in the US for over 13 years, if I'm dating someone I have no problems in telling my family about it, specially if is someone that I'm extremely happy with :-)

 

In my point of you the way he went on a 2 months trip to see his family without asking how you would feel about it, is just a red flag. But that's just me.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

In my point of you the way he went on a 2 months trip to see his family without asking how you would feel about it, is just a red flag. But that's just me.

 

You are damn right my friend, but maybe you are not a power hungry controlling freak like he is. I don't want to get into his personal business but just take my word for it, that if they find out there might be drama. Also if my family finds out there will be drama too. But that never stopped me from calling him and my family suspected it too. So yeah, I do think you are correct overall.

[KatZee]

I wouldn't have done that had I known him for a month. I got with him because I liked him and now after all this time I care about him a lot more than just a kiss before he gets into a cab.

 

Giving him a kiss before sending him off in a cab has nothing to do with how much you care about him. It has to do with not being a doormat, it has to do with expecting a bit more from what he's giving you.

 

I highly recommend you investing in the books, "Why Men Love B*tches" and "Why Men Marry B*tches."

 

You're bending over backwards and becoming a doormat while he gives bare minimum and doesn't even bother with your feelings/concerns/opinions. His way or the high way.

 

Continuing to act as if he's God's gift, being so "nice" and so "caring" and so everything to him is going to backfire on you terribly.

[PlumPrincess]

ok, that was 7 months ago right? Him fighting for you back then doesn't mean he's still into you but since still don't know which country he's from it is hard to give a better advice. But what culture doesn't allow for someone to have a gf? Why does he have to hide you from his family?

 

I'm Brazilian but be leaving in the US for over 13 years, if I'm dating someone I have no problems in telling my family about it, specially if is someone that I'm extremely happy with :-)

 

In my point of you the way he went on a 2 months trip to see his family without asking how you would feel about it, is just a red flag. But that's just me.

Asian cultures, Arabic cultures. My guess here is, Arabic. I think with Asians it's more women who want to hide their relationships and if it was an Asian guy, he probably would be reluctant, but still be more considerate. His reaction would be less macho.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

Giving him a kiss before sending him off in a cab has nothing to do with how much you care about him. It has to do with not being a doormat, it has to do with expecting a bit more from what he's giving you.

 

I highly recommend you investing in the books, "Why Men Love B*tches" and "Why Men Marry B*tches."

 

You're bending over backwards and becoming a doormat while he gives bare minimum and doesn't even bother with your feelings/concerns/opinions. His way or the high way.

 

Continuing to act as if he's God's gift, being so "nice" and so "caring" and so everything to him is going to backfire on you terribly.

 

I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate your opinions, but do you realize the implication of what you're advising me? If he's an ******* and doesn't want to give anything to me that will NOT change even if I invest less or more. In this particular situation this isn't a DOORMAT situation -- if I want to love him I will love him regardless. If he doesn't want to give me anything I will leave him. That doesn't mean I should lie about my feelings or pull back even though I don't want to, does it really? I don't want to play games with him. He either becomes an adult and "gives" or he will be left.

[KatZee]

I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate your opinions, but do you realize the implication of what you're advising me? If he's an ******* and doesn't want to give anything to me that will NOT change even if I invest less or more. In this particular situation this isn't a DOORMAT situation -- if I want to love him I will love him regardless. If he doesn't want to give me anything I will leave him. That doesn't mean I should lie about my feelings or pull back even though I don't want to, does it really? I don't want to play games with him. He either becomes an adult and "gives" or he will be left.

 

I'm advising you to give him as much as he gives you. Which doesn't seem to be all that much. When one person is giving more than the other, the relationship is unbalanced, unfair, and unhealthy to one of the individuals.

 

You can think all you want that he should become an adult and "give" but unfortunately that's not really for you to dictate. It's not like you can tell him, "hey grow up and give me more!" Words mean nothing. It's going to be your actions which gets him to perk up and be like "hey whats going on?"

 

He doesn't hear anything when you're whining in his ear, or complaining, or saying you want more. Because at the end of the day it's "womp womp womp" in his ear, but there you still are. Doting, loving, affectionate, caring, and wonderful to him. So really, what does he have to change here? Nothing much.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

He doesn't hear anything when you're whining in his ear, or complaining, or saying you want more. Because at the end of the day it's "womp womp womp" in his ear, but there you still are. Doting, loving, affectionate, caring, and wonderful to him. So really, what does he have to change here? Nothing much.

 

I'm just saying that this will be a game that I won't win, I have been through it. Men like him change temporarily and go back to their real self. Even if I stop talking to him for a week just to spite him, it would not be what I want and I will be unhappy. I think it would wiser just to leave him than waste time playing games that I won't win. Although I do want to say I understand your suggestion. What do you think?

[KatZee]

I'm just saying that this will be a game that I won't win, I have been through it. Men like him change temporarily and go back to their real self. Even if I stop talking to him for a week just to spite him, it would not be what I want and I will be unhappy. I think it would wiser just to leave him than waste time playing games that I won't win. Although I do want to say I understand your suggestion. What do you think?

 

I'm not saying play games. It's not about playing games, or ignoring him for a week. That is completely ineffective and yes, a game. You don't want to start issuing "punishments" out of spite.

 

You basically have to teach him what you do and do not accept within a relationship. The books I mentioned above give real clear cut examples and ways to handle situations where a man is pushing a woman's button. He does so to test your boundaries. He's trying to see how far he can push you before you snap back.

 

Best reactions to a guy "pushing your buttons" is zero reaction at all. He basically is driving this relationship right now, not you. This is imbalance. He has all the power here, and he knows it. So he can really do whatever he pleases.

 

That's why Treasa's advice was pretty good. If you were hurt that he was pushing your button, not caring about your opinion, saying he wanted to hide you, it was his family, his trip... whatever the issue was, you should have just pulled back and given zero reaction... told him, "Have a great time! Bye!" And put him in a cab to leave.

 

When you're not falling all over yourself trying to please him, love him, accommodate him, make excuses for him, and whatever it is you're doing... he's going to be like, "Wait what? Why doesn't she care that I'm pushing this boundary?" And suddenly, pushing that button on you is no longer fun, because there is no reaction.

 

I get the impression you're the "nice" girl. And you're the girl that often gets taken advantage of. I still highly recommend those two books for you to read while he's off on this trip.

[SantistaUSA]

I'm just saying that this will be a game that I won't win, I have been through it. Men like him change temporarily and go back to their real self. Even if I stop talking to him for a week just to spite him, it would not be what I want and I will be unhappy. I think it would wiser just to leave him than waste time playing games that I won't win. Although I do want to say I understand your suggestion. What do you think?

 

I'm sorry but you love drama and have no respect for yourself and that is why he treats you the way he does, I have a friend like that and she was in a relationship with a guy (from different culture) that abused her and even tried to kill her once and she is a freaking DOCTOR!!! and she still loves him even though they are no longer together!!!

 

You have been having issues with this guy for months, I went ahead and checked your previous posts, you even said

 

- "With him, I don't feel valuable, loved, or wanted. I feel like nothing."

 

He has even got physical with you! You need to let him go and find professional help, show yourself some respect!

[Leigh 87]

Yeah I can see how it would affect you, but it's not surprising or out of the norm...especially after 7 months, most men aren't going to change their lives for you completely and make you the center of their world and include you in everything...especially when you're not really in a serious relationship that's headed towards marriage or anything, he'll just leave you in the shadows and treat your feelings irrelevant...because they really kind of are, this is not about you to him, this is about his life and his family...does that make sense? you're not apart of that family, you're just someone he is dating/in a relationship with for 7 months...you're not on that level and he's not going to build his life with you or include you in it at this stage, especially If he's on the younger side and still living his life.

 

Emotionally yes I can see it as being disrespectful especially If you were planning on doing or going somewhere together, I'm not sure how disrespectful it is just because you're not including in his personal life...I understand your emotions are involved and I think he could have done a better job addressing it and asking you how you feel and what your thoughts are...but on the same hand, he doesn't really care because he doesn't sound really invested in you...so I think you both have two different perspectives and expectations of what this relationship is.

 

 

 

wow wow wow.

 

Hell yes it is disrespectful.

 

Remember my ex ninja, who you are convinced was never in love with or that into me?

 

Well. Even HE, when he went away after 7 months, made it VERY clear how much he would miss me; and it was just obvious he did miss me. He did not make a bit song or dance about it in a fake way, but he just made it known that he would be upset without me and it would be hard for him to have to live without me for a period.

 

He hated how it made me feel (him leaving for over a month) and he would always have time to comfort me about it, even if he was busy.

 

I think the OP'S boyfriend is being very insensitive to her feelings. As a lot of men tend to me when it comes to "feelings". It is not exactly a very masculine trait to be "caring" and "sensitive" or talk about "feelings"

 

The least he could have done is figured out that, after 7 months, he should sort of be at "that" level with a girl if he was REALLY that in love with her! Guys that are TRULY in love to send to miss their girlfriends if a separation is imposed!

 

I think it is sort of telling, the fact that, after 7 months, he really does not seem to miss you all that much and he STRESSES how her feelings are not important!!!

 

I would personally leave, as 7 months for me need to be that intense honeymoon stage where we both feel madly in love; and a separation would be an obviously sad event for us both.......

 

My ex was not a guy who expressed his feelings, but, like most guys, he DID show emotion towards the girls he liked enough.

 

Maybe I am reading too much into this. I just add 2 and 2 together; after 7 months, a guy will have already fallen madly in love with a girl IF he is capable of it. Therefore, the OP'S boyfriends actions and not mirroring a guy who is that crazy in love.

[KatZee]

 

You have been having issues with this guy for months, I went ahead and checked your previous posts, you even said

 

- "With him, I don't feel valuable, loved, or wanted. I feel like nothing."

 

He has even got physical with you! You need to let him go and find professional help, show yourself some respect!

 

OP, dig deep and answer this question: Why are you with this person?

 

I'll also give you a hint: "Because I love him" is the wrong answer.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I don't really know what to think. He does tell me he misses me when we are not arguing, then when we are arguing he is like "it would be so easy to break up, all I have to do is send a text" then the next day we are nice to eachother and he says "miss you baby (kisskiss)."

 

This is an immature petty game I am fed up with.

[JustSomeoneHurt]

I'm sorry but you love drama and have no respect for yourself and that is why he treats you the way he does, I have a friend like that and she was in a relationship with a guy (from different culture) that abused her and even tried to kill her once and she is a freaking DOCTOR!!! and she still loves him even though they are no longer together!!!

 

You have been having issues with this guy for months, I went ahead and checked your previous posts, you even said

 

- "With him, I don't feel valuable, loved, or wanted. I feel like nothing."

 

He has even got physical with you! You need to let him go and find professional help, show yourself some respect!

 

I'll be honest with you Santista I have a strong feeling if I end up staying with this guy I will get beat up, cheated on, and abandoned with children if I marry him. This is my gut instinct at this point. I doubt he'll propose any time soon but if it came to that I think that's how it would end. Beat up and cheated on first and foremost.

[Leigh 87]

This. Sounds like you're both at two completely different points in this relationship. Pull back, mirror him. Stop bending over backwards and investing 150% when he invests 40%.

 

 

 

I know men. Enough to know that they tend to fall deeply in love by 7 months, with the right girl/girls.

 

If he is only investing 40% after 7 months, he honestly will never have it in him TO fall all that in love with this girl. If he did, he would have by now, and he would have invested 150% as a result.. As most men in love do when they truly feel that strongly about a woman.

 

I would personally bail after a few months, save 7... if a guy was not falling very much in love with me and investing 110%.

 

I just feel that most men will put in 100% from the get go if they are truly into a girl. I have a low tolerance for men now who don't. At this stage in my life and with my experience of men thus far.

 

A communication plan should have been established. After 7 months!???? it is a GIVEN, in my opinion, if two people are BOTH that in love!?

 

Heck. My ex was an idiot yet he found time to message me daily on a party holiday where he had food poisoning and was confined to bed/with no internet in his hotel.

 

Katzee - The guy should have said that he would call every other day; especially if she was showing obvious signs of distress at him leaving..

 

I don't believe that a man, after 7 months and who is that in love with a woman, would NOT at least call or message them every one or two days, perhaps 3 if they have an action packed vacation with no wi fi in their hotel rooms at night when they get home from said adventures.

[SantistaUSA]

I don't really know what to think. He does tell me he misses me when we are not arguing, then when we are arguing he is like "it would be so easy to break up, all I have to do is send a text" then the next day we are nice to eachother and he says "miss you baby (kisskiss)."

 

This is an immature petty game I am fed up with.

 

You need to snap out of it, if you can't respect yourself, how can you expect someone to respect you?

 

How old are you? Have you had family problems growing up? Trust me, HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU! I know it will be hard to let him go, but if you do and go NC you will get better and will feel happier!

[KatZee]

So... you're aware you may be beat, cheated on, you're currently being emotionally manipulated and abused, you're nothing more than a passing thought in his mind, he hides you from his family, you don't feel loved, cherished, or adored, you feel like nothing... and you stay? Why? Because he told you he missed you?

 

I'm failing to see even one speck of light in this dark and disastrous relationship. I would have been fed up 6.5 months ago.