JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 He planned a trip overseas to see his family because he has not seen them in, what he says is 2 years. He looked for flights, booked a tight, booked the day and booked the return flight all on his own. The trip was supposed to be 1 month long but it became 2 months because he rescheduled it to see a relative who was leaving before his arrival. Can anybody see at this point how that would affect me? We'd been together for 7 months when he left. Does my opinion/do my feelings matter here at all? Well, according to him, no. And he did not mention a peep of how he'll miss me from before the booking until the last day he left. I stayed with him the enter time in the airport from arrival to check-in (about 4 hours). I do anything and everything for him. I've brought it up on multiple occasions. Why did he never mention me? Why didn't he ever ask how I'd feel? His answer is a consistent "it is MY life and MY family and MY trip. Why should I ask you how you feel about it?" and this response has never changed. Talk about making someone feel worthless. What makes me feel the worst isn't only that he acted this way, but he's consciously defending that decision to my face and asking me what the problem with marginalizing my feelings is, because it is clear he has no problem doing it. Is he just completely disrespectful?
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Can anybody see at this point how that would affect me? Is he just completely disrespectful? Yeah I can see how it would affect you, but it's not surprising or out of the norm...especially after 7 months, most men aren't going to change their lives for you completely and make you the center of their world and include you in everything...especially when you're not really in a serious relationship that's headed towards marriage or anything, he'll just leave you in the shadows and treat your feelings irrelevant...because they really kind of are, this is not about you to him, this is about his life and his family...does that make sense? you're not apart of that family, you're just someone he is dating/in a relationship with for 7 months...you're not on that level and he's not going to build his life with you or include you in it at this stage, especially If he's on the younger side and still living his life. Emotionally yes I can see it as being disrespectful especially If you were planning on doing or going somewhere together, I'm not sure how disrespectful it is just because you're not including in his personal life...I understand your emotions are involved and I think he could have done a better job addressing it and asking you how you feel and what your thoughts are...but on the same hand, he doesn't really care because he doesn't sound really invested in you...so I think you both have two different perspectives and expectations of what this relationship is.
Balzac Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Seven months into it and taking a girl home? Uh no. In many cultures, such a trip imolies marriage and you've got no clue about the imposition of making accommodations for your presence. Seven months??? No way. 2
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) Seven months into it and taking a girl home? Uh no. In many cultures, such a trip imolies marriage and you've got no clue about the imposition of making accommodations for your presence. Seven months??? No way. FIRST OF ALL before you jump to conclusions I wasn't implying I wanted him to take me. I don't know HOW you came to that conclusion but it is wrong. Do me a favor and READ my post before you answer it because answers like these, which are clearly uninformed, offend me greatly. I believe I clearly wrote, that he did not ask me how I FEEL about the subject. He did not even discuss it with me until I brought it up to him. Literally, he didn't even bring up how do I feel about him leaving and trying to make a plan with me about how to communicate. He just sat there in his glory about leaving. The result was poor connection and being unable to speak with him for days at a time, and having to wait over 24 hours for a text message if at all. I haven't seen his face in weeks (on photos or Skype). You want to know the funniest part? Before he left he had a conversation with me about faithfulness to make sure I didn't stray while he makes this "independent decision." So, he gets to sit there and wipe the floor with me and expects me to stay loyal. Edited August 9, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt 3
Balzac Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 It's all about your independent decisions. You're free to protect your own best interests. Absent accompanying him - I'm not getting your whine.
jphcbpa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I understand how you would feel and yes he is selfcentered. But hey maybe he is showing you how he is?? I would never do that to my g/f of 7 months. I would try to figure a way to see her in that 2 month span. I would have been in conversation with her about my trip before hand, not to get her approval, but out of respect that I have for her. In fact, I would not want to go 2 months without seeing her. I would do this because I would like to be treated with the same loving respect. Treat people how you want to be treated. If I was you, I would mirror his actions. 6
StarsOnFire Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Yes it would've been nice if he brought this up to you in a nicer way, and talked about it with you. But whether or not you're sad/upset about this probably doesn't matter to him, it's his right to go and see his family. He doesn't need your permission. It sounds like you've been a downer about this whole trip, so he probably wasn't too excited to even talk to you about it, since it's all just negative. Think about it from his perspective, he hasn't seen his family in 2 years, and now he's getting the chance to go. Yes you'll miss him, but you should show some happiness for him. It's not all about you, and he probably won't get to see them for another long period of time. And you're thinking about being unfaithful because he's gone for 2 months? Obviously this relationship isn't that serious if you're scoffing at the fact that he expects his girlfriend to be able to be faithful while he visits family overseas. 5
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) Yes it would've been nice if he brought this up to you in a nicer way, and talked about it with you. But whether or not you're sad/upset about this probably doesn't matter to him, it's his right to go and see his family. He doesn't need your permission. It sounds like you've been a downer about this whole trip, so he probably wasn't too excited to even talk to you about it, since it's all just negative. Think about it from his perspective, he hasn't seen his family in 2 years, and now he's getting the chance to go. Yes you'll miss him, but you should show some happiness for him. It's not all about you, and he probably won't get to see them for another long period of time. And you're thinking about being unfaithful because he's gone for 2 months? Obviously this relationship isn't that serious if you're scoffing at the fact that he expects his girlfriend to be able to be faithful while he visits family overseas. Hi Stars, Why do you assume I was a "downer" throughout the planning process? Contrary to your belief, the guy wasn't even asking me how I felt so how exactly do I express my negative beliefs if he ain't even talking to me about it? You see, what you're saying does not even make sense. Secondly, and much like HIS own thinking, you assume he is asking my permission. That isn't true. Why do you think this is "permission" just because he is talking to me about it? So let me ask you, if a man talks to a woman about a surgery he will need, does that mean he is asking her permission to get the surgery? I don't understand this mode of thinking and in my opinion this is immature. But it is funny how you'd ASSUME I am a "downer" because I won't take whatever he wants to throw at me. That's something a teenager would say to a parent. HA HA HA HA HA HA BTW, I never had a problem with him seeing his family. I encouraged him to stay as long as he wanted. When he told me he was going to reschedule it for an early leave date I told him not to worry and to stay as long as he wanted. Not ONCE did I push it or give him doubt. Not once. Ask him... before you accuse me of being a monster. Edited August 9, 2013 by JustSomeoneHurt
Eddie Edirol Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 (edited) Well youre attacking everyone that is trying to advise you, so Ill pull my swords out...... I'd say that he was being pretty disrespectful. That sounds like a guy that isnt really taking you too seriously, to not even tell you ahead of time. So do you have any idea where you stand with this guy? Has he tried to contact you since he's gone? Do you think he wants to? From what you said it sounds like he doesnt. Is his family stressing him out? Does he not have access to phone or internet? Do you think he will continue to treat you like this? If so you might have to reconsider this relationship. You have any other nuggets of the story to toss out there to combat what I said? Edited August 9, 2013 by Eddie Edirol 2
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Well youre attacking everyone that is trying to advise you, so Ill pull my swords out...... I'd say that he was being pretty disrespectful. That sounds like a guy that isnt really taking you too seriously, to not even tell you ahead of time. So do you have any idea where you stand with this guy? Do you think he will continue to treat you like this? If so you might have to reconsider this relationship. You have any other nuggets of the story to toss out there? Sorry Eddie, really don't mean to be particularly aggressive today as I am really asking for help. I just can't sit here reading people getting everything wrong, telling me I said things I didn't, and assuming without reading the post. The story is pretty clear cut like I said. He said a lot of the same things, like trying to tell me I am trying to take him away from his family (how?), asking for my permission (what?), telling me my opinion doesn't matter because it's HIS life (sounds like a teenager), and basically telling me in every way shape and form that I don't matter. Then when I tried to get him to call me every day he refused, telling me he doesn't want his family to know about me so he can't "risk it" by talking to me "too often." It's like this whole process was thrown upon my shoulders and I am the bad guy because I wanted him to talk it over with me, make sure I am OK, and keep in contact. I'm the bad guy... I am not even kidding this is literally what I've been putting up with.
Sunshine87 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 He planned a trip overseas to see his family because he has not seen them in, what he says is 2 years. He looked for flights, booked a tight, booked the day and booked the return flight all on his own. The trip was supposed to be 1 month long but it became 2 months because he rescheduled it to see a relative who was leaving before his arrival. Can anybody see at this point how that would affect me? We'd been together for 7 months when he left. Does my opinion/do my feelings matter here at all? Well, according to him, no. And he did not mention a peep of how he'll miss me from before the booking until the last day he left. I stayed with him the enter time in the airport from arrival to check-in (about 4 hours). I do anything and everything for him. I've brought it up on multiple occasions. Why did he never mention me? Why didn't he ever ask how I'd feel? His answer is a consistent "it is MY life and MY family and MY trip. Why should I ask you how you feel about it?" and this response has never changed. Talk about making someone feel worthless. What makes me feel the worst isn't only that he acted this way, but he's consciously defending that decision to my face and asking me what the problem with marginalizing my feelings is, because it is clear he has no problem doing it. Is he just completely disrespectful? Hey there. My opinion is that you view your relationship as more serious than it actually is. Family is a very sensitive issue. While a lot of women would adjust their lives just to fit their new/fairly new relationships, many men tend to be more logical and independent. His family remains number one to him. Whilst you would've preferred him to communicate and perhaps include you in his planning, he completely shut you out. I understand why it would hurt. But if anything, it sheds lights on where exactly you stand in his life (for now). Was he disrespectful? No. Was he insensitive? Perhaps. Why? well, he could have been kinder in his approach. In addition, I know people who got very serious after dating for six months. It's certainly not too early. But I guess this gives you an insight into his assessment of your relationship. It could also be that he is generally not a very considerate person. Take a step back and let him be for now. Focus on your family and friends too. 3
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Hey there. My opinion is that you view your relationship as more serious than it actually is. Family is a very sensitive issue. While a lot of women would adjust their lives just to fit their new/fairly new relationships, many men tend to be more logical and independent. His family remains number one to him. Whilst you would've preferred him to communicate and perhaps include you in his planning, he completely shut you out. I understand why it would hurt. But if anything, it sheds lights on where exactly you stand in his life (for now). Was he disrespectful? No. Was he insensitive? Perhaps. Why? well, he could have been kinder in his approach. In addition, I know people who got very serious after dating for six months. It's certainly not too early. But I guess this gives you an insight into his assessment of your relationship. It could also be that he is generally not a very considerate person. Take a step back and let him be for now. Focus on your family and friends too. Hi, Thanks for your opinion. Good point.
jphcbpa Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 But I guess this gives you an insight into his assessment of your relationship. It could also be that he is generally not a very considerate person. Take a step back and let him be for now. Focus on your family and friends too. This is some good advice
StarsOnFire Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Hi Stars, Why do you assume I was a "downer" throughout the planning process? Contrary to your belief, the guy wasn't even asking me how I felt so how exactly do I express my negative beliefs if he ain't even talking to me about it? You see, what you're saying does not even make sense. Secondly, and much like HIS own thinking, you assume he is asking my permission. That isn't true. Why do you think this is "permission" just because he is talking to me about it? So let me ask you, if a man talks to a woman about a surgery he will need, does that mean he is asking her permission to get the surgery? I don't understand this mode of thinking and in my opinion this is immature. But it is funny how you'd ASSUME I am a "downer" because I won't take whatever he wants to throw at me. That's something a teenager would say to a parent. HA HA HA HA HA HA BTW, I never had a problem with him seeing his family. I encouraged him to stay as long as he wanted. When he told me he was going to reschedule it for an early leave date I told him not to worry and to stay as long as he wanted. Not ONCE did I push it or give him doubt. Not once. Ask him... before you accuse me of being a monster. Firstly, I didn't accuse you of being a monster. Calm down, I'm not attacking you at all, I thought I was pretty nice about it haha. "When he told me he was going to reschedule it for an early leave date I told him not to worry and to stay as long as he wanted. Not ONCE did I push it or give him doubt. Not once. " Then what is your issue? You're the one calling him disrespectful when you told him "not to worry" and "stay as long as he wants". Why would he assume anything otherwise? Sounds like you guys DID talk about it... It is hard to judge based on one post, and one persons side. I was merely reading what you wrote and you were only negative about the whole experience, I didn't see where you were positive about it to him. I'm glad that you in fact were encouraging, as these are the cards your relationship was dealt. He can't control that his family lives overseas and he rarely gets to see them. I'm saying, what's the point of long, drawn out discussions about something that is going to happen, whether or not you're sad about it. It sounded like you were upset he didn't ask you if you were okay with him going. Which I don't see why he'd need to. But like I just said, sounds like you guys did discuss, so this is all a waste of a post. In the end, I'm sure he's not shouting with joy about being away from you for 2 months, however I don't think you should consider him disrespectful over the situation, when it turns out YOU told him to extend his trip.... Enjoy your 2 months, do fun things with your girlfriends, lighten up, you guys haven't even been together a year, you're supposed to still be in the honeymoon phase he'll be back before you know it.
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 So do you have any idea where you stand with this guy? Has he tried to contact you since he's gone? Do you think he wants to? From what you said it sounds like he doesnt. Is his family stressing him out? Does he not have access to phone or internet? Do you think he will continue to treat you like this? If so you might have to reconsider this relationship. You have any other nuggets of the story to toss out there to combat what I said? Eddie, He has contacted me several times since he left and I did know about the trip beforehand. But he only told me that the trip will take place, he didn't ask me about how it would impact me or if I wanted to discuss it. I think people are thinking talking about it means I will change his mind, but it doesn't. It's just a matter of acknowledging that this will happen and he cares, and he understands, and that he will be back soon. The internet connection is poor and I already wrote about the phone issue. Will we talk once every few days usually because I will call him using MY FUNDS, late at night when his family isn't up because he doesn't want them to "find out." I will look forward to talking to him every night or calling him when I miss him but I can't! Because he doesn't want his family to know and feels it would ruin things. We generally text every 24 hours or longer, because the connection is strong only at night. And I just...have to deal with it. My opinion doesn't matter remember? It's like, who cares that I miss him and want to call him? Who cares if I want to hear his voice? Not him! Since he got there he has gotten more and more disrespectful to me. He has said on several occasions he wants to break up and mentioned how "easy it would be, all he needs to do is send a text message"!!!!! Can you f*cking believe it...
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Then what is your issue? You're the one calling him disrespectful when you told him "not to worry" and "stay as long as he wants". Why would he assume anything otherwise? Sounds like you guys DID talk about it... ...however I don't think you should consider him disrespectful over the situation, when it turns out YOU told him to extend his trip.... Whoa whoa whoa. He initiated it by telling ME that HE WAS PLANNING on rescheduling his trip. I RESPONDED by saying he should stay as long as he wants. That doesn't mean I didn't want it deep down. I just knew that with a disrespectful, selfish, ego-centric person like him, had I said "yes, please reschedule it I will miss you" he would've used it against me later. Okay? AND ONE MORE THING. I did NOT tell him to extend his trip! HE planned his own trip and made it 2 months. He said he will try to make it shorter if he could. And I told him he didn't have to. No where, NO WHERE, did I extend his trip. Please get it right.
Sunshine87 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Eddie, He has contacted me several times since he left and I did know about the trip beforehand. But he only told me that the trip will take place, he didn't ask me about how it would impact me or if I wanted to discuss it. I think people are thinking talking about it means I will change his mind, but it doesn't. It's just a matter of acknowledging that this will happen and he cares, and he understands, and that he will be back soon. The internet connection is poor and I already wrote about the phone issue. Will we talk once every few days usually because I will call him using MY FUNDS, late at night when his family isn't up because he doesn't want them to "find out." I will look forward to talking to him every night or calling him when I miss him but I can't! Because he doesn't want his family to know and feels it would ruin things. We generally text every 24 hours or longer, because the connection is strong only at night. And I just...have to deal with it. My opinion doesn't matter remember? It's like, who cares that I miss him and want to call him? Who cares if I want to hear his voice? Not him! Since he got there he has gotten more and more disrespectful to me. He has said on several occasions he wants to break up and mentioned how "easy it would be, all he needs to do is send a text message"!!!!! Can you f*cking believe it... Hey, I think you have your answer right here. How old are you both? Are you from the same country? Do you share the same religion?
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Hey, I think you have your answer right here. How old are you both? Are you from the same country? Do you share the same religion? Both are between mid to late 20s. Not from the same country or religion. What answer do you speak of?
Mr.Mango Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 You sound too pissed for this to be worthwhile. Worse things have happened in the history of dating, you just need to decide if it's worth going through with. Getting angry at him and hoping he changes his behavior (which is very unlikely) probably won't change anything. 6
StarsOnFire Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Whoa whoa whoa. He initiated it by telling ME that HE WAS PLANNING on rescheduling his trip. I RESPONDED by saying he should stay as long as he wants. That doesn't mean I didn't want it deep down. I just knew that with a disrespectful, selfish, ego-centric person like him, had I said "yes, please reschedule it I will miss you" he would've used it against me later. Okay? AND ONE MORE THING. I did NOT tell him to extend his trip! HE planned his own trip and made it 2 months. He said he will try to make it shorter if he could. And I told him he didn't have to. No where, NO WHERE, did I extend his trip. Please get it right. Since the latest update is that he's talking about breaking up with you over text while he's there, I'd rethink the whole relationship and boot him to the curb. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was telling me he could break up with me so easily. I think you should take this time apart to see if this is someone you really want to be with. 1
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Yeah this whole thing has gotten me extremely upset. I care about him a lot (otherwise wouldn't have spent almost a year with him!) and what he has to offer is holding the relationship over my head telling me how easy it would be to break up. Ever since he said that my feelings took a nosedive.
Sunshine87 Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Both are between mid to late 20s. Not from the same country or religion. What answer do you speak of? A few things sprung to mind. Why is he hiding your relationship from his family? I thought he was perhaps very young but he isn't. There is a more fundamental problem to your relationship which goes beyond the current issue we are deliberating over. Your boyfriend sounds like he is passing time with your relationship. It is pretty evident from his behavior. 3
PlumPrincess Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I think she just wanted him to ask her if she would be fine with the trip and to tell her that he would also miss her. It's a pro forma question. You ask it out of respect for your partner's feelings at the same time knowing that out of respect for your feelings she will say, "Of course, it's ok, I want you to be with your family, even though I will miss you a lot." I do believe he's not the best partner though. I think he feels stressed with you and his family, that's why he is not willing to be very considerate of your feelings. And a guy who tries to hide his girlfriend of seven months from his family does not sound like a great idea. 4
KatZee Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 Then when I tried to get him to call me every day he refused, telling me he doesn't want his family to know about me so he can't "risk it" by talking to me "too often." I don't even need to read anything more about your situation. It's pretty obvious where you stand with this guy. He was never going to take your opinion into consideration. He's being very clear with you. It's HIS life, HIS family, everything about this relationship is all about HIM. So you either deal with it, or you leave. He doesn't sound particularly invested in you. 7 months together and he doesn't want his family finding out about you? What exactly is there to hide? Not quite sure why you're putting up with being someone's fun accessory. 6
Author JustSomeoneHurt Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 I think she just wanted him to ask her if she would be fine with the trip and to tell her that he would also miss her. It's a pro forma question. You ask it out of respect for your partner's feelings at the same time knowing that out of respect for your feelings she will say, "Of course, it's ok, I want you to be with your family, even though I will miss you a lot." I do believe he's not the best partner though. I think he feels stressed with you and his family, that's why he is not willing to be very considerate of your feelings. And a guy who tries to hide his girlfriend of seven months from his family does not sound like a great idea. Thanks PlumPrincess, You hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much! I agree with your assessment. Let me explain the family issue. We come from different cultures and religions and his culture does not approve of a girlfriend. It's marriage or chastity for them. I let it go for a while, but when he told me he didn't want to talk to me on the phone because they SUSPECT us, I got VERY hurt. Even my family is suspecting him and they saw us together once!!! Although I would've preferred they did not see us - I love him and it didn't bother me that much. When he made the point about having to limit conversations while he's away so that they don't find out, well, that was a different ballgame.
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