Undecided WS

[bermboy]

Thanks everyone.

 

I need a little help understanding something said by the OM. He is aware that my wife and I are working on our marriage and that him being in the picture is counter productive. He told my wife he would back away "if she wanted him to". Is he putting the burden on her thinking or knowing she wont or is there something more here I may be missing here. I would appreciate anyone's thoughts or interpretation of this.

[Turtles]

You don't know this, bermboy, but this is the best advice you will get here. Listen to this; this is not just some random talk. This is what happens over and over and over ad nauseum. Betrayed spouses try to "get better" for their cheating spouses and take on the blame that is shoved at them. You won't believe this right now, I don't think, but I would advise you to read some of the other posts from those betrayed spouses who have been in your situation and take heed from their advice. Good luck.

 

It's true... if she is on the fence now she is not going to come to a decision by herself... she has to experience the consequences first, otherwise at the slightest setback she will think of how much better it would be with OM.

[bermboy]

She was talking again last night about re financing our house and plans for a vacation. She was talking as if our relationship is all fine and good. This made me think she really has no plans to change anything.I gave her until the end of the week to either dump the OM or I file for divorce. Her counselor appointment is Thursday. Maybe this will help her understand better what's in her head. Maybe not.

 

As I am the bread winner of the household and she really cannot support herself with her current income she be hard pressed to survive fanancially. Our son is over 18 so she will not get any financial help from me unless I choose to do so.

 

Curious what the OM will tell her now. On her own.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Thanks everyone.

 

I need a little help understanding something said by the OM. He is aware that my wife and I are working on our marriage and that him being in the picture is counter productive. He told my wife he would back away "if she wanted him to". Is he putting the burden on her thinking or knowing she wont or is there something more here I may be missing here. I would appreciate anyone's thoughts or interpretation of this.

 

When he says he will "back away," he means that he will stop seeing your wife if she breaks it off. When he says he will "back away," he is saying "I don't want to end this affair, but I will if you want to."

 

Saying "I will back away if you want me to" is a pretty ridiculous thing to say, because of course if either party breaks it off, the other will have to stop being romantically involved. If your wife divorces you, you will have to back away. If she tells him she doesn't want to be involved with him, he will not be involved with her anymore whether he likes it or not, whether he agrees to it or not. So this is all totally within your wife's power to end. YOUR WIFE CAN END THIS AFFAIR AT ANY TIME. She doesn't want to. Don't forget that simple fact.

 

You will learn, if you are not in the process of doing so already, that both of their words are meaningless. Look only at their actions. Don't over-analyze.

 

They are both conflicted. Your wife has been with you 23 years through ups and downs, while he has two teenagers. Neither want to hurt you or their families. Nevertheless, they are "in love" and can't bear to be apart. It's mostly all fantasy land stuff.

 

Be very skeptical of what you hear from your wife. I'm assuming she is the one who told you that he offered to "back away." She probably is leaving out the context and key details to make the other man look more honorable than he really is. She sees a very idealized version of him who is honorable, respectable and just caught up in a very difficult situation through no fault of his own - they are "star-crossed" lovers, meant to be together. You see him as a cheating scumbag.

 

Here is probably how the "back away" conversation went:

 

Your wife: "I love you so, so, so very, very, very much. I can't believe I found you. We just have that connection, that spark, that PASSION! I just wish I didn't feel so terrible about what we're doing to our families. To my husband. He doesn't deserve this. I am a terrible person for doing this."

 

Other man: "I know, I feel the same way. But you are NOT a terrible person. It's not our faults that we fell in love the way we did. It's terrible circumstances, yes, but we are not bad people. We are good people who just got caught up in circumstances beyond our control. We can't control how we feel about each other. I feel terrible about what I'm doing to my family, too."

 

Your wife: "I just wish my husband could find someone else who makes him feel the way you feel. The thing is, this is what's best for everyone. He wasn't happy with me. He had no passion for me. Now that he's afraid of losing me, he is doing all the things he never did before. I'll always love him, but I'm just not "in love" with him. I'm "in love" with you. Still I feel terrible."

 

Other man: "I hate to see you this way. I don't want to see you upset like this. I will sacrifice my own happiness for you. I will back away if that's what you want me to do."

 

Your wife: "Oh no! No, no, no. I don't want that. I want you. I can't picture my life without you in it."

 

Other man: "Me too. I just can't leave my family yet, though. My kids are going through a tough time (with their friends, at school) and I'm afraid my wife may harm herself. I have to wait until (fill in the blank), then I'll be able to leave and we can finally be together."

 

This is probably the type of stuff that's going on.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

She was talking again last night about re financing our house and plans for a vacation. She was talking as if our relationship is all fine and good. This made me think she really has no plans to change anything.I gave her until the end of the week to either dump the OM or I file for divorce. Her counselor appointment is Thursday. Maybe this will help her understand better what's in her head. Maybe not.

 

As I am the bread winner of the household and she really cannot support herself with her current income she be hard pressed to survive fanancially. Our son is over 18 so she will not get any financial help from me unless I choose to do so.

 

Curious what the OM will tell her now. On her own.

 

After 23 years of marriage, don't you think a court is going to award her some type of support? If she goes to see a lawyer, he/she is going to tell her how to make you pay while the divorce is in process. The funds for her lawyer will come from you, too. Is this not how the process works where you live?

 

I'm not trying to dissuade you, I want to encourage you, but you have to be realistic.

[Try]

I need a little help understanding something said by the OM. He is aware that my wife and I are working on our marriage and that him being in the picture is counter productive.

This is the other man (OM) confirming to your wife that even though they will be cooling down the affair for a bit, he understood when she told him that this changes nothing about the fact that she is still in love with him.

 

He told my wife he would back away "if she wanted him to". Is he putting the burden on her thinking or knowing she wont or is there something more here I may be missing here.

This is the OM telling your wife that he has zero respect for you and your marraige, and that he will be there waiting for her when she gives in to her addiction to the affair brain drugs. Please note, that wife will pick a fight with you so that she can rationalize sneaking behind your back and cheating with him again.

 

You cannot nice your way out of this. You cannot reason her out of her affair addiction or her strong emotional connection to the OM. You are playing the OM man's and your wife's game, where he has almost all the cards. The OM has known about you and has been working against you for a long time, where you did not even know that the OM existed in you life, much less know that your marraige was under attack by him. You cannot win playing this game. The only card that you that you may have a chance to win with is to move quickly to try to end the marraige. This will take them out of their game and force her out of their current fantasy. Not only will it force your wife to decide now, but it will put him on the spot as your wife will ask him if he plans to leave his wife for her. Any hesitation by him to leave his wife for your wife, will be viewed very negatively by your wife. This may be the first shot of reality that their affair has had to endure. Your wife will either fight to get you to change your mind, in which case you get to change the rules of the game to something that you can win, or she decides that she wants a divorce, in which case you find out sooner rather than later about where this was really heading anyways. Acting now increases your odds of saving your marraige, and there is no real down side, because if she is willing to let you divorce her without her fighting to save the marraige, your marraige was over anyways. You filing for divorce because she cheated on you and will not commit to you is no reason for her to love you less, it is only a reason for her to respect you more.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Try

[So happy together]

Call her OM's wife now! Tell her what's going on!

 

If she was lonely - cheating isn't a solution! She cold work, do charity work or help others.

 

For her to say its your fault is absurd! Don't own that - it's ONLY her fault!

 

Sop making it so easy for her to continue cheating - give her consequences that make it hurt for her!

 

She can move!

 

Cut off her money, credit cards - everything!

 

Her cheating is ONLY her fault! Do not take responsibility for her bad behavior!

 

The fact that you've been to the counselor - yet she hasn't yet - is a big problem too!

 

IF/SINCE she's not doing 200% of her efforts to repair the damage she caused and right what she's done wrong - she just intends to keep using you and doing whatever she wants (seeing her OM).

 

 

Call his wife right now! Tell her everything!

 

 

Wow. Don't follow THIS advice. If anything, consult an attorney before doing anything like this. Jeebus.

[2sunny]

Wow. Don't follow THIS advice. If anything, consult an attorney before doing anything like this. Jeebus.

 

Says the OW...

[bermboy]

She is pissed-off today. Guess the idea that it's all up to her to decide the future of our marriage is on her shoulders now is tough. Join the club.

[Artie Lang]

i suggest you tell OM's wife what he told your wife. doesn't seem like he's not all that committed to his reconciliation efforts.

 

sounds like he's stringing along his BS and waiting for things to cool down so they can take this underground.

[aliveagain]

Stop being nice, OM is stealing your wife and she's looking to you for a reaction, talk to a lawyer, she needs to know that being married to you and actively dating is not alright. Expose the OM immediately because you need help from his wife to balance the game. It's OM and your wife on one side, you on the other. They share information and hide the truth from you, expose him. The sooner you do so the quicker OM will be out of the picture, he will be too busy protecting his own finances to worry about your wife, happens all the time here. Your wife is not the prize, you and your family are and she has already walked away from that in order to start her affair. She needs to know that the fiction that she has been living is just that, fiction and unless she comes out of the fog her new reality may not include you, the nice roof over her head and the children full time.

[road]

Wow. Don't follow THIS advice. If anything, consult an attorney before doing anything like this. Jeebus.

 

Telling the truth is not a legal matter. Lawyers are not needed.

 

Dollars to doughnuts that WW and OM are lying that the OMW knows about the affair.

 

How can you believe liars and cheaters?

[road]

Stop being nice, OM is stealing your wife and she's looking to you for a reaction, talk to a lawyer, she needs to know that being married to you and actively dating is not alright. Expose the OM immediately because you need help from his wife to balance the game. It's OM and your wife on one side, you on the other. They share information and hide the truth from you, expose him. The sooner you do so the quicker OM will be out of the picture, he will be too busy protecting his own finances to worry about your wife, happens all the time here. Your wife is not the prize, you and your family are and she has already walked away from that in order to start her affair. She needs to know that the fiction that she has been living is just that, fiction and unless she comes out of the fog her new reality may not include you, the nice roof over her head and the children full time.

 

Another reason to expose.

[Betterthanthis13]

Maybe we should just set up an ananamous BS -contacting email service for LS'ers to use, email in your evidence and stuff, we can take turns moderating it, and assist people in getting this type of thing done in a constructive way if they want to.

[road]

She was talking again last night about re financing our house and plans for a vacation. She was talking as if our relationship is all fine and good. This made me think she really has no plans to change anything.I gave her until the end of the week to either dump the OM or I file for divorce. Her counselor appointment is Thursday. Maybe this will help her understand better what's in her head. Maybe not.

 

As I am the bread winner of the household and she really cannot support herself with her current income she be hard pressed to survive fanancially. Our son is over 18 so she will not get any financial help from me unless I choose to do so.

 

Curious what the OM will tell her now. On her own.

 

 

Divorcing or not one does not refinance a house to take a vacation. Dollars to doughnuts I bet WW wants to get her hands on cash to finance her affair, set up a love nest, finance her divorce filing, or any combination or all of those things with the added debt.

[Betterthanthis13]

Nevermind ill just do that. If anyone wants to help me great. I'm going to contact the moderators and ask them if I can post a link or if this is totally against policy or what

[Try]

She is pissed-off today. Guess the idea that it's all up to her to decide the future of our marriage is on her shoulders now is tough.

I still do not get why you think that making it "all up to her to decide the future of our marriage" is a good idea. Weakness is not attractive and only works against you.

[whichwayisup]

I recently discovered my wife has been having an affair for 2 months. She cannot decide to stop seeing this man nor choose between the two of us and is confused. She tells me that is no physical contact any longer as I have asked for this. I do believe her. She says she wants to work on our marriage and we are starting counseling. She is still acting like we have a future as we are planning future events. This OM is married with kids and is also in counseling for his marriage. I don't know where to turn or what I should do. Just wait?

 

This sucks and I'm sorry for your pain.

 

All I can tell you is, focus on you and don't do anything. As long as your wife is in an affair fog and can't make up her mind, fighting for her is the last thing you should do right now. Hands down she is confused and torn between what she feels for (aka how this OM makes her feel) and her feelings for you and all that she knows (stability, home, marriage, a life built with you) vs this affair where everything is good, happy and fun. that is NOT reality, it's the honeymoon phase. That bubble of hers HAS to break before she wakes up. She has to suffer consquences before she can change.

 

I say, focus on you and your children if you have any and tell her to move out, that you can't not and will not allow her to sit idle and keep you both. Tell her that you love her and hope some time apart will straighten her head and heart out.

 

Going to marriage counseling in hopes to save your marriage when she isn't sure is a waste of time and money.

[2sure]

Reconciling a marriage after infidelity is hard work for both spouses. It involves doing things you really really wish you didn't have to. But it's a process that works. First, the affair has to end . Just to give enough time to make real decisions . Like reconcile or divorce.

 

When WS misses the AP, the BS has to be the affair police. And it sucks and it's hard. But the thing is...your wife made a horrible decision , you can't leave her in the drivers seat right now. For the sake of all of you, stop letting her make decisions for you right now.

 

You need to put all of everyone's cards on the table by speaking directly with OM's wife.

[MidwestUSA]

Whatever you do, do NOT refi your house! She's looking to put her hands on available cash. She'll 'appropriate' it, and you'll be stuck with a bigger loan. She's blowing smoke talking about a vacation with YOU!

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thanks everyone.

 

I need a little help understanding something said by the OM. He is aware that my wife and I are working on our marriage and that him being in the picture is counter productive. He told my wife he would back away "if she wanted him to". Is he putting the burden on her thinking or knowing she wont or is there something more here I may be missing here. I would appreciate anyone's thoughts or interpretation of this.

 

Bermboy,

Sorry for your pain.

 

1. Call the OM BS and let her know they are still talking. Do not tell your wife you are going to do this. Do not ask your counselor (they always tell you not to, but they are wrong). She should know he is not invested in their counseling. Do not believe anything your wife has told you about them. Cheaters lie.

 

2. Tell your wife that you decided you don't want to be in a relationship with 3 people. Tell her to pack her bags and move out, today, she can live with her family or friends, or move in with the MM... Tell her that she can call you if she decides she wants to be in 100% otherwise, NC.

 

3. Get an attorney and know your rights. Find out what the financial situation and legal situation of your location entail. File for divorce.

 

4. Go radio silent..do the 180. Someone will provide links.

 

^^^^This...is blowing up the affair bubble, she needs to feel the pressure of supporting herself and losing her lifestyle. She needs to FEEL what it's like to lose you. SHE NEEDS TO BE AFRAID, of what comes next. Being nice and letting her figure it out on her timeline doesn't detonate the situation. This will.

 

She may turn to her AP who hopefully will be experiencing the same thing since you told his wife. But she will now not have the romantic affair nonsense because now it's real.

 

I know you love her. I know you want it to work. This has a better change of working than waiting it out.

 

You need to evoke the biological reaction of abandonment here. Think of animals, how if you chase them they run? But if you turn and run away they chase you? Same biological concept.

 

Good luck.

[road]

Bermboy,

Sorry for your pain.

 

1. Call the OM BS and let her know they are still talking. Do not tell your wife you are going to do this. Do not ask your counselor (they always tell you not to, but they are wrong). She should know he is not invested in their counseling. Do not believe anything your wife has told you about them. Cheaters lie.

 

2. Tell your wife that you decided you don't want to be in a relationship with 3 people. Tell her to pack her bags and move out, today, she can live with her family or friends, or move in with the MM... Tell her that she can call you if she decides she wants to be in 100% otherwise, NC.

 

3. Get an attorney and know your rights. Find out what the financial situation and legal situation of your location entail. File for divorce.

 

4. Go radio silent..do the 180. Someone will provide links.

 

^^^^This...is blowing up the affair bubble, she needs to feel the pressure of supporting herself and losing her lifestyle. She needs to FEEL what it's like to lose you. SHE NEEDS TO BE AFRAID, of what comes next. Being nice and letting her figure it out on her timeline doesn't detonate the situation. This will.

 

She may turn to her AP who hopefully will be experiencing the same thing since you told his wife. But she will now not have the romantic affair nonsense because now it's real.

 

I know you love her. I know you want it to work. This has a better change of working than waiting it out.

 

You need to evoke the biological reaction of abandonment here. Think of animals, how if you chase them they run? But if you turn and run away they chase you? Same biological concept.

 

Good luck.

 

Good advice.

[oldshirt]

I recently discovered my wife has been having an affair for 2 months. She cannot decide to stop seeing this man nor choose between the two of us and is confused. She tells me that is no physical contact any longer as I have asked for this. I do believe her. She says she wants to work on our marriage and we are starting counseling. She is still acting like we have a future as we are planning future events. This OM is married with kids and is also in counseling for his marriage. I don't know where to turn or what I should do. Just wait?

 

I haven't read any of the other posts but I can tell you right now that you are looking at this all wrong.

 

You should not be looking at it from the perspective of what SHE chooses to do.

 

You need to decide whether YOU will remain in the marriage or not or what she will have to do in order to remain in your home and married to you.

 

If you decide that you will give her a second chance then you need to tell her in specific deal exactly what she needs to do to remain in the home and if she follows it to the letter then you can work on reconciling with no guarentees from you.

 

If she balks, waivers, tries to change the conditions or does not meet one of the conditions then you file and have her leave.

 

She is the one that fouled here and she is the one that needs to toe the line in order to remain in the marital home if she wants to remain married.

 

It's not up to her and her choice. It's your choice whether she gets that opportunity or not.

[ver13]

IMO you have to look at what is best for you at this point in your life. This whole situation is about choice's ie... you or the OM etc... in her case. In yours its about her or your sanity talking to the AP is not worth it what so ever. He is not the one who lives in your house she is the one that really needs to choose what the h*ll she wants out of life. No matter what she is telling you now until she is truly remorseful for what she has done to your M there is nothing to talk about. Get some legal advice ASAP and start to explore your options. It is time for her to truly see where this is all headed in the long run should she choose to continue the A.

[2sunny]

I would never agree to any of her plans for a week or a month from now. She's fishing to be sure your ok with her bad behavior and willing to stay.

 

I'd do opposite - I'd tell her point blank "stop talking about our future - because I'm not seeing you earning a future with me by earning my trust"!